Witchy Woman

Witchy WomanWitch

Mildred comes home to find her Witchy broommate crying hysterically.
Oh my god Agatha, what’s wrong??
I just got back from the doctor, and she said I CAN’T HAVE KIDS.
Oh Agatha, says Mildred, I am so sorry for you….but a food allergy isn’t the end of the world.

***

Years ago, I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the many questions asked about human anatomy, was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS”, into the name of ‘an important part of the body, which is most useful when erect.’

Those who wrote ‘SPINE’ went on to become doctors.
The rest of us are just posting jokes on social media.

***

A wife texted her husband, “Windows frozen” on a cold winter day.
He texted back, “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”
5 minutes later she texts him again, “Computer is completely messed up now.”

***

1st Hillbilly says: “My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner.”

2nd Hillbilly says: “Why is that stupid?”

1st Hillbilly says: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”

2nd Hillbilly says: “That’s nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin’ machines!”

1st Hillbilly says: “Why is that so stupid?”

2nd Hillbilly says: “‘Cause we ain’t got no plummin'”

3rd Hillbilly says: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.”

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: “Well, what’s so dumb about that?”
3rd Hillbilly says: “She ain’t got no dick.”

***

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

***

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient ones. Today I got a call from the Home Depot that installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago, but hadn’t been paid for.

Just because I’m a Senior Citizen, doesn’t mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. I told him just what his fast-talking salesman told me last year, ‘Those windows will pay for themselves in a year.’ ‘It’s been a year, so they’re obviously paid for.’ I told him. There was silence at the other end of the line, so I hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

***

Eagles fans can click ‘Witchy Woman’, above the graphic to hear what they think about a Witchy Woman.

 

Flash Fiction #210

Success

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

FOCUS ON SUCCESS

Jacob attributed his ongoing academic – and hoped for, future –success, to his ability to compartmentalize and prioritize his mind; family here, sports over there, and social in the back corner.

He was aware of the hot chick in science class, with the top and shorts that were so tight that even he had trouble breathing, but he had a physics exam to write.

He didn’t understand just how he did it, and felt somewhat sorry for those who couldn’t – only somewhat. Many of them just didn’t seem to try. Achievement is obtained through Focus: straight A’s first then go swimming.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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Institute Of Higher Learning

University

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds
for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined
$20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught
breaking this rule the second time will be fined
$60. Being caught a third time will cost you a
fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd
inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

***

Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the
flu, but he’d done so well during the year that
the teacher suggested to the principal that they
gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he
missed. The principal agreed so they called
Little Johnny into the office and explained to
him what they were going to do.

First the teacher asked, “Johnny, what does a
cow have four of, that I only have two of?”
Little Johnny replied, “Legs.”

Next the teacher asked, “Johnny, what do you
have in your pants that I don’t have in my
pants?” Little Johnny replied, “Pockets.”

Finally the teacher asked, “Johnny, what is
the capital of Italy?” Little Johnny replied.
“Rome.”

The teacher turned to the principal and asked,
“What do you think, should we pass him?” The
principal replied, “Better not ask me, I got
the first two wrong.”

***

This guy keeps falling asleep in church and his
wife’s getting sick of it. She decides she’ll
bring a pin to church with her and poke him when
he starts falling asleep. They’re in church the next
Sunday and he starts falling asleep right as the
preacher’s saying, “and the Lord God created the
heavens and the earth.” His wife pokes him and
he jumps up yelling “HALLELUIA!!”

The preacher, looking startled, says “very good, very
good.” A little while later he starts falling
asleep again as the preacher’s saying, “and the
Lord parted the Red Sea for Moses”. His wife
pokes him and he jumps up yelling, “PRAISE THE LORD!!”

The preacher exclaims, “Very good, very
good!” A little while later he falls asleep again
just as the preacher says, “and what did Eve say
to Adam after they had their second child?” His
wife pokes him again and he jumps up yelling,
“STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN AND I’M GONNA
BREAK IT OFF!”

Flash Fiction #53

Weight

PHOTO PROMPT – © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

CRUSHING WAIT

Jeremy took his parents seriously when they had explained the importance of getting into the right university to lay the groundwork for his career.

He had never missed class in high school.  He paid attention in all classes, and took excellent, extensive notes.  He had reviewed them, and crammed hard for all exams, including the fifth-year finals he had just finished.

Now, it all came down to the final results, due soon.  This was not Damocles’ Sword hanging above him, threatening a quick death.  If he didn’t qualify to get into Stamford, both he and his parents would be crushed.

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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