I can’t dress myself! Oh, I can put clothing on my body – but pick what to wear?? Shortly after I got married, my wife proved to me that, like many other newly-wed men, I was incapable of choosing acceptable attire. I haven’t bought myself a piece of clothing in over 54 years.
We have agreed on black jeans for normal, casual wear. For the mix-and-match polo shirts that go with them, her system for choosing to purchase seems to be based on – Ooh, I love that color – Ooh, I like the collar on that, and – Ooh, they’re on sale. We’ll get one in all four colors.
She was doing laundry one day, and asked me to check my closet for any empty hangers that would be needed to hang them up after drying. I opened the closet, and it was FULL of polo shirts – How many??! – 32!! How can I possibly have 32 shirts left, on the day she’s doing laundry?? Not having done laundry in two weeks, she had another 10 in the wash.
When she buys me new shirts, she says, “I’ll throw out all the old, threadbare ones to make room.” With 42 shirts in the rotation, how would any of them become threadbare?
I was wearing a particular shirt one day. She commented, “I haven’t seen that shirt in a while.” I responded, “You should see it every couple of months. I put shirts into the closet on the left, and take them out to wear, from the right.” “Wellll… You’ve got some shirts that I don’t like, so I go into your closet and move them around, so that you won’t wear them.”
Wait!! You do what??! You purchase all my shirts, and there are some that you don’t like??! No wonder I can’t choose any that she likes. She doesn’t even like the ones that she picks. Must be the ones with the OOH collars. And she goes into my closet and curates my clothing??! 😯
She does throw out threadbare shirts – right when she shouldn’t. At the old auto parts plant, the windows were one short step up from kitchen sieves. During a winter cold snap, temps on the floor could drop into the 60s, or even 50s F. I had 10 thick, warm work tee-shirts – 5 each for two weeks till she did laundry. In the summer, with no A/C and lots of hot vinyl, many days I worked in the 90s F. I had 10 thin, threadbare shirts.
As cold weather approached one winter, I put away the thin, summer shirts. At our first heat-wave in April, I went to pull them back out – but couldn’t find them. “Honey, do you know where my summer tee-shirts are?” “Oh, they were all so thin, and they had little holes and picks in them, so I just threw them all out. Just wear the good, thick, heavy ones. They cover you better, anyway.” I can’t even go out and buy thin, cool shirts.
The poor dear probably doesn’t even notice what she’s doing, and does it with the best of intentions and my welfare and best interests at heart. A guy could die from all that love. I’ll be wearing a clean shirt when you return in a couple of days – solid colors only – no stripes, spots, or Canadian plaid. Tell me if you like the collar. 😉