Birds Of A Feather Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 says that the following are all birds, but asks, if you didn’t know that, what would you say these words meant?  At her behest, I’m going to fib my heart out, and  publish my answers here.

1. COOT

Me! – And my League of Extraordinary Older-Gentlemen Grumps.  Apparently there are no young coots.  You gotta be old, to be a coot.  Sean Connery was our Honorary Chairman, until he passed on, to that great Oatmeal Bowl in the sky.

2.   DUNLIN

That’s the name of the firm of Solicitors who constantly telephone, and send threatening letters, to get people to make monthly payments on their car-loans and mortgages.

3.   HOBBY

Hobby is the non-productive expenditure of free time and energy.  The hobby of the people at Hobby Lobby is harassing and abridging the civil rights of those who they feel don’t have the correct sexual orientation.

4.   KNOT

Knot is a euphemism for getting married – tying the knot.  For serial offenders like Mickey Rooney, Liz Taylor, and Larry King, it’s a slip-knot.  😳

5.   RUFF

Ruff is Dennis the Menace’s cartoon canine companion – the more intelligent, less destructive and irksome of the pair.

6.   SCAUP

This is an evil, online commercial deed, performed by a nefarious net-villain.  Every time I want to attend a concert by Jethro Tull, The Moody Blues, ELO, or Billy Joel, some guy with a refurbished NASA computer, and a power source about equal to a small sun, temporarily suspends his Bitcoin mining operation, swoops in and scoops up all the good seats, and then offers them online for 5 to 10 times their original cost.

7.   SERIN

That’s the cultured fluid that ethical, educated, intelligent medical researchers use to make COVID19 and variants protective vaccines from.  It’s the same stuff that nutty conspiracy-theorists, who watched the science Fiction movie, The Fantastic Voyage, believe that Bill Gates (or anyone else) cares enough about them to add tiny little machines to track them with.

8.   SMEW

It’s all the fault of the good, warm English ale.  An American tourist stole a street sign from outside the East-End, Brantley Mews.  The Roads Maintenance Department sent out a two-man team to replace it.  Since they arrived near lunch-time, and the Anvil and Turtle Pub was just outside, they had some cottage pie…. and six or seven jars of beer.   Somehow, when the sign went up, it read SMEW, instead of MEWS.  They had to send out two teetotalers to set things right.

9.   SNIPE

That was the bitch witch at my last job that I set a record with – worked with her for 14 years, and not once did I give her a well-deserved smack in the head.  We called her Princess, which she took to be a compliment.  She was the Princess with the pea, constantly carping about every little thing.

We were working on the wrong project, and if we were on the right one, we were using the wrong procedures, and if we were using the right methods, we were on the wrong schedule.  The only person she never complained about, was the office manager, and she followed him around like Mary’s little lamb.  Smooch, smooch, kiss, kiss!!  The difference between a brown-noser and a shithead – is depth perception.

10. TWITE

There are too many Brits who wouldn’t say Shit if they had a mouthful.  They say Shite, and pretend that they didn’t use profanity.  I can only presume that an irritating, irksome goofball is called a Twite, instead of a Twit.

Sweet Sixteen Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 may be worried that, if she puts up an electrified fence or landmines, she might injure a dog.  She sent me the following list of prompts to lie, by special courier, in a Hazardous Waste container.

1. Why is St. Valentine’s Day observed on February 14th?

Because it comes right before Family Day on Feb. 15^th and there’s nothing that causes more families than all that romantic snuggling the day before.

2. According to legend, what is supposed to happen if a groundhog sees his shadow on February 2nd?

That means that Russia has invaded the Ukraine, and somebody has set off a nuke.  Anyone inside the radiation radius only has a few days till their hair falls out.  The guys decide to eat, drink, and make merry Mary, but Mary got mad and went home, so they jumped for Joy, and she left too.

3. Whether you call it Mardi Gras or Pancake Day, what is the day after “Fat Tuesday” called?

It is named Contest Day, when my wife and the Catholic Church strive to see who can take away more of my life’s enjoyments.
The young couple got married, drove to Niagara Falls, and registered at a honeymoon hotel.  They peeled off their clothes and tumbled into bed – where he rolled away from her, and seemed ready to go to sleep.  She said, “Honey, we just got married.  Aren’t we going to have sex??”  He replied, “I can’t.  It’s Lent.”  She said, “To who??!  And for how long?”

4. What does Presidents Day commemorate?

The fact that great past leaders have become less important and memorable than sales on sheets, pillowcases and blankets at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  We have nothing to fear but…. that Wal-Mart may price-match.  Ask not what your country can do for you…. besides providing 200 thread-count Percale sheets and eider comforters.

5. What is the story of Beauty & the Beast about really?

It’s about two acts too long – really!  It’s part of a series of psychological conditioning books that prepare you for the Bible.  The Sleeping Beauty story gets you to accept the idea of the Magic Apple.   If you believe in talking dishes and lamps in this tale, you’re ready to believe in talking snakes and donkeys, and a loud, obnoxious dictator character with anger-management problems, who holds people against their will and torments them, but He will love them…. If only they obey and love Him first.

6. What allows Peter Pan to fly?

It’s not the FAA, the TSA, or Strategic Air Command.  They only let Santa Claus invade airspace.  I think that it might be the amount of meth that he tweaks, and the fact that he won’t stay in rehab.  …and you see fairies, and pirates, and crocodiles, and alarm clocks??!  Sure you do!  Here, try on this special jacket while we try to get you officially committed.

7. Why did the princess kiss the frog?

She thought that doing it a second time might get rid of those genital warts.  😳

8. What is Pinocchio about?

After Sleeping Beauty, and Beauty and the Beast, it’s the third in the series of children’s mental formative books.  Thou shalt be forever manipulated by an invisible string-puller, and….  Thou shalt not bear false witness.  Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.  Thou shalt not steal.  Thou shalt not covet.  Thou shalt obey Big Brother – even when he is Father O’Grady.

9. Why did Little Boy Blue need to blow his horn?

Because the inattentive idiot ahead of him was texting while driving, and got so distracted that he failed to move when the traffic-light went green.  It didn’t work, so Little Boy Blue called his dad, the Man In Blue, who rushed over, wailed his siren, and gave the Facebook updater two $300 tickets for obstructing traffic, and unsafe operation.

10. Why did Jack and Jill go up the hill?

Supposedly, to fetch a pail of water – but water runs downhill – you’d fetch it from the bottom.  I think that it was so that they could book a room with cash in the No-Tell Motel, which is right next to The Stag Shop, where they picked up some edible panties, K-Y lubricant, and a couple of Adult Toys.  😯

The Three Italian Bears

Once upon a time, the following was read into the official minutes of an IBM stockholders meeting.  Read it aloud, in a thick, Italian accent

Die Tri Berrese

(di’sse libretto ise for dos iu laicho to follow di spicche – wait, ise spicche)

Uans appona taim uas tri berres; mamma berre, papa berre, a bebi berre.  Live inna contri nire foresta.  NAISE AUS, no mugheggia.  Uanno dei, papa,mamma enne beibe go toda biche, onie, forghetta locche di doors.  Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese.  Sci garra nattinge tudo batte maiche troble.  Sci pushie olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromme.  Dan sci goe appesteresse enne slipse in olla di beddse.
LEISE SLOBBE!

Bai enne bai commese omme di tri berrese, olle sonne-bronde enne sand inna scius.  Dei garra no fudde, dei garra no beddse.  En wara dei goina due to Goldilocchse?  Tro erre inna strit?  Colle pulissemenne?
FETTE CIENZE!

Dei uas bietenicche Berrese, enne dei slippa on a floore.  Goldilocchese stai derre tree dase; itte aute ausenhomme, en geusta bicose dei asche erre to maiche di beddse, sci sei “GO TO ELLE,”enne runne criene to erre mamma, tellen erre uat sonnesabietches di tri berres uar.
UATSIUSE?  Uara iu goin due – Go compliene sittiole?

Respectfully dedicated to Edelwasia, who did not get a chance to publish it   😀

Thanx, H.E.

Flash Fiction # 269

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

Ten in the bed, and the little one said, “Roll over!  Roll over.”
They all rolled over, and one fell out.

We started with a double bed.  I don’t like the word “Obese.” Good eating made us corpulent, so we bought a Queen-sized.

We had a dog, which was not allowed on the bed, then we got two puppies who were allowed up, but are no longer puppies.  Recently, a cold and lonely cat has added himself to the nightly pile.

There’s hardly room for my legs, and it’s almost impossible to roll over.  Somebody move, before I fall out.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Flash Fiction #264

PHOTO PROMPT © Krista Strutz

NEW HOME – NEW PROBLEM

The air in Oklahoma is too dry, the wife said.  It’s like living in a clothes dryer, especially when a tornado puts you on spin cycle.  We can work from home anywhere.  Let’s move to Maine – Acadia National Park, gorgeous scenery, moist sea-breezes.

Then, along comes a Big Bad Wolf hurricane.  It huffed, and it puffed, and…. we used to have a house right there.  It’s alright.  It left us another – an assemble-it-yourself log cabin.  I hope all the parts are pre-numbered.  We need to assemble it soon.  That buzzard is looking hungry.  Be careful what you wish for.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story..

’20 A To Z Challenge – T

Amplified and heterodyned gravitonic waves from a giant Black Hole, in a far-off galaxy, https://www.msn.com/en-ca/kids/science/oldest-quasar-and-supermassive-black-hole-discovered-in-the-distant-universe/ar-BB1cLUOj?li=AAggFp5  produced an inversion in space-time which resulted in a reversal of publishing my T and U blogposts.  (Definitely not my confusion and lousy memory.)  Here’s what you missed, two weeks ago.

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her

TUFFET

a low stool; footstool.
Eating her curds and whey.  Along came a spider, who sat down beside her and said, “What’s in the bowl, bitch?”

She tossed her tousled tresses, and said, “It’s getting too damned crowded in here!  I’m going outside for some fresh air.  She trekked her pert little tush outside, and plunked it down on a

TUSSOCK

a tuft or clump of growing grass or the like.

She said, “And it ain’t curds and whey!  Who the Hell eats curds and whey, anymore??  Effete vegans, and twee guys with man-buns??!  (Speaking of which – Has anyone seen that horrible Uber Eats commercial, with the male(?) gymnast??  I don’t have to ask, but I do try to tell him, to turn down the GAY a notch.)  This, and a beer, is the “Breakfast of Champions.”  This, with a beer poured over it, is the breakfast of champions.  This is my namesake cereal, the one that Quaker named after me, ‘cause I’m so cute and well-rounded – Muffets.”

So, when I say that I ate a muffet, it’s not like Little Hot Welding Rod Little Red Riding Hood.  She was on her way to Granny’s, through the deep, dark forest, when a big, bad wolf jumped out and said, “I’m going to eat you.”  Red replied, “Eat, eat, eat!  Doesn’t anybody screw anymore?”

So, don’t screw around.  Stop back in a couple of days.  If I’ve finished my cereal, there’s a good chance that I might have something almost significant to say.   🙄

The Need For Myths

Myths are stories of our search through the ages for truth, for meaning, for significance. We all need to tell our story and to understand our story. We all need to understand death and to cope with death, and we all need help in our passages from birth to life and then to death.

It may really not be possible to do away with myths. The myth is as much a part of the human need as the allure of it. Even when one does not want to, there will come a time when a person feels the need for a story. This inner need expresses itself as a search, or as a desire. It may come early in life or it may come late. Nevertheless, a person who thinks, is bound to realize a sense of emptiness. Nothing but a story could fill it. All a person would want or hope for is to find a good story, and then, live it.

Finding one’s myth

This is where one person differs from another. It’s easy to understand. What isn’t easy to understand is always, why one person chooses one story to understand his reality, while someone else chooses another. It is to be understood that: Till the time a person finds the story – the myth – that satisfyingly explains his existence and gives purpose to his mind, his soul, the power within is still not released. It is looking for its expression. The myth provides the expression. Only then, when one goes deep into his personal myth, is it no longer just a story, but life itself. Myths are clues to the spiritual potentialities of the human life.

Every culture ought to provide a satisfying myth to the people it holds – one might say – captive. Yes, cultures hold at least some persons captive, while the vast majority are simply organized by it. This is what we understand to be a society. Is that not true? The exceptional individuals of society – the artists, the searchers, the thinkers, and the visionaries – if they succeed in finding their creativity-unlocking-myth, will then become the heroes and the leaders. They may even one day become legends that others recall with some fondness and some fear.

I’ve Run Out Of Punny One-Liner Titles

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem….
….It’s a solution.

Despite the high cost of living….
….it remains popular.

I before E, except after C….
….disproved by Science

Please cancel my subscription….
….to your issues

Lif is too short

Couldn’t claustrophobia be cured by just thinking outside the box?

Some people are wise….
….some are otherwise

We’ll, we’ll, we’ll….
….if it isn’t autocorrect

Rick O’Shea….
….Is a bulletproof Irishman

My relationship with whiskey….
….is on the rocks

I hate it when people accuse me of lolly-gagging….
….when I’m clearly dilly-dallying.

After my friend turned vegan….
….it was like I’d never seen herbivore

My wife says I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met….
….I’m not buying it

If a midget smokes weed….
….does he get high, or just medium?

I accidentally handed my wife a glue-stick, instead of a Chap Stick….
….She still isn’t talking to me

Some people are like clouds….
….When they go away, it’s a brighter day

What’s black and never works?….
….Decaffeinated coffee, you racist

Life and beer are very similar….
….Chill for best results

Terrible summer for Humpty-Dumpty….
….but he had a great fall

I’m diagonally parked….
….in a parallel universe

Olio Humor

Little Johnny asks his mom, “Mom, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”
“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed, “Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll be home late’.

***

If you go get yourself a cup of coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will take just long enough for the coffee to get cold.

***

My therapist told me to finish things that I started.

Today I finished two bottles of wine and a cake.

I feel better already.

***

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great mom! Today we made explosives!”

Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick: “What school?”

***

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

***

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment in a train, as it winds its way through the Alps.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and, as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twit again.”

***

129% of people exaggerate.

***

The nurse said to me, “We need a stool, urine and semen sample.”
I turned to the wife and said, “Ehh??!  What did she say?”
She replied, “They want your underwear.”

***

Restaurant Sign
We serve vegetarians.  Please tell us how you’d like them cooked.

***

Ex: You’re fucking stupid
Me: You’re fucking proof

***

Do clouds ever look down and say, “That one looks like an idiot?”

***

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist with minor injuries. I rushed outside yelling, “Let me through, let me through.” A man at the front said, “Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?”…………..

………..I said, “No, that’s my fucking Pizza.”

 

Flash Fiction # 168

PHOTO PROMPT © Nathan Sowers grandson of our own Dawn M. Miller

UPON FURTHER REFLECTION

I won’t tell how I came into possession of Ali Baba’s magic lamp.  Let’s just say that I found it before it got lost.

“Oh great, another master, and what will you want?”  Where was the respectful genie from the stories?

First of all, I want a grand mansion.

“Never fear, Master.  I will provide everything you deserve.”

While it appeared spacious, it always felt claustrophobic.  I preferred being outside.  I was doing some decorating.  As I knelt to pick up the new bathroom mirror, I caught the reflection of the real ‘Emperor’s new mansion’ that he felt I deserved.

***

This fanciful Fairy Tale retelling is all the fault of Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site.  Visit there, and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.