Flash Fiction #189

Signs

PHOTO PROMPT © Jean L. Hays

I’VE SEEN THE SIGNS

When the Europeans came to North America, the natives did not own the land. They felt the concept to be silly. Land was like the air – ever and unending. Groups might squabble about who could live or hunt on some portion of it, but The Great Spirit had put it there for all to share.

The White Man soon taught them about ownership and possession. Corporations and governments, which also didn’t “own” the land, sold chunks of it to groups and individuals. Soon, the walls went up, and then the fences – first stone, then split rail, and finally, wire fences.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

***

After the fences came the signs – signs meant “to keep all the other people out, and to keep Mother Nature in.” Click to hear the Five Man Electrical Band decry the restrictive commercialization of our land and society.

Friday Fictioneers

 

Advertisements

’18 A To Z Challenge – Neighbors

 

Challenge '18letter-n

 

 

 

 

 

Neighborhood

I accidentally did another favor for my neighbors – and I don’t regret or begrudge it.

I wrote of being able to do several favors for them, several years ago.  Those favors have been returned like bread upon the waters, 7-fold.  The ‘rot-proof’, pressure-treated posts that support our common fence are over 30 years old, and they rotted.

As I sadly stood considering the tilting fence, morosely calculating what it was going to cost in money, energy, time, and lost skin, the neighbor asked me if I would mind if he repaired it.  His son runs a small landscaping firm, so he had access to a powered post-hole auger.  His first thought was that he could bore out the concrete bases….FAIL!

Digging them out by hand was difficult and time-consuming.  Suddenly, inspiration struck.  He cut 2 feet off a 10-foot panel, moved the necessary holes two feet, and spliced the orphan back in at the end.  All he asked, was $100 for lumber and supplies.  The wife tipped him an extra $20 for saving me the trouble.

Recently, his first-marriage daughter stayed with them for several days.  They are both non-smokers, so she sits on the front porch to puff.  One spring evening, in the dark of 9:30 PM, I left the living room to use the powder-room, next to the front door.  The pebbled glass in the lower pane made car lights on their driveway seem like they’re on our front lawn.  I stood tippy-toe to look out, but it wasn’t their car.  I turned on the light, and peered out again.  The car quickly backed out, and drove off.

I hadn’t got my ass back on the couch, when the phone rang.  They were at a friend’s, and the daughter had called.  While she was sitting, smoking, some guy had just pulled into the driveway and said, “Wanna come over here, Babe?”  She’s a sturdy lass of 25, and could probably handle any problem, but she stepped inside, locked the door, and called them.  Would I please take a look and see if there was any trouble?

I told her that my neighborly nosiness had already driven him off.  She was reassured on an immediate basis, but now she, his daughter and I, were all somewhat perplexed.  Was this just some random guy, approaching random women?  In the dark, neither of us got a good look at the driver, the car, or the licence plate.  In our quiet, safe suburban subdivision, do we have a hooker, or a drug dealer working?

The wobbly wife wants a new rail installed on the deck steps.  The old ones are leaning as badly as the fence was, and she needs safe support, when she follows the new puppies that you’ll read all about in a month, out onto the lawn.  Maybe I can leverage this into some design/installation help from the amateur carpenter husband.  😀

Flash Fiction #50

Silo

PROMPT -© Marie Gail Stratford

THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON

All the corn plants were to be shredded and put into the tower as silage.  The crop was large, so ten-year-old Billy’s job was to tromp it down, so it all fit.

He brought one of their cows in through the little bottom door to help him.  For several boring hours, he and Bossy had plodded ‘round and ‘round.

Finally the level neared the top, and his Dad yelled that they were done.  “Just back out that little hatch, and climb down the ladder.”

MOOO!

“A cow??  You took a cow in there??!  How is she going to climb down??!”

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

#457

Department Of Agriculture

 

 

Lawn Mower

Department of Agriculture

Bulletin: No. 265

 

The Care and Operation of a Rotary Power Lawn Mower

 

The rotary power lawn mower is a boon to shiftless suburbanites whose lawns are full of Dandelion, buckthorn, and other weeds too tall for the conventional reel-type mower.  The rotary power mower however, is not an unmixed blessing.  Unseen sticks and stones, to say nothing of unburied rocks, will raise Hell with the blades.  So will nails, bits of wire, and other metal debris.

These problems fade into insignificance though, when compared with the unhappy result of running this type of mower over newly deposited dog shit.  Until you have had your shoes shined with pulverized dog shit, you cannot appreciate the extent of this problem.

Now cat shit, to be sure, smells far worse, but cats, as everybody knows, are more careful to cover up their waste than are dogs.  Moreover, cats do not shit as much as dogs, unless you have a very large cat, or a very small dog.

There are several approaches to the problems of animal excreta and the rotary power mower.  First, you could buy a dog, bigger than all the other dogs in the neighborhood, and train him to keep all the other dogs off your lawn, and also to shit on the neighbors’ lawns.

The obvious drawback to this method of combating the problem, is that one of your neighbors might buy a cow, and train it to shit on your lawn.  It has been estimated that a rotary power mower, operating at 3750 RPM can hurl a normal cow flap as high as a second storey window, and over an area of 5000 square feet.

Building a fence is a second possible solution, but it is expensive.  Also, it is no good unless you can train the wife and kids to keep the gate shut.  Then too, some dogs will jump the fence, even when full of shit.

There are various commercial preparations, sold mostly to evil-minded old ladies, which are supposed to stop dogs from screwing lady dogs on your front porch, pissing on your shrubs, and shitting on your lawn.  These chemicals are worthless however, since it is second nature for dogs to screw and piss.  A dog’s philosophy in life is, “Anything you can’t eat or screw, then piss on it!”

This then leaves three other possible solutions:

  1. Let the God-damned weeds grow.
  2. Move into an apartment, and use the mower as a fan.
  3. Wear only brown shoes when mowing the lawn, and associate only with people who either don’t mind the smell of dog shit, or are too damned polite to mention it.

**********

 

Having previously told you what it’s like when you create a little odor, this is what it’s all about when you really get down to business

 

THE DUMP LIST

 

GHOST DUMP

That’s the kind where feel the shit coming out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there’s no shit in the toilet.

 

CLEAN DUMP

The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there’s nothing on the paper.

 

WET DUMP

The kind where you wipe your butt 30 times, but it still feels unwiped.  So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you don’t ruin them with a brown stain.

 

SECOND WAVE DUMP

It happens when you’re done shitting.  You’ve pulled up your pants, and then you realize you have to shit some more.

 

BRAIN HEMMORAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT – or the – POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT

The kind where you strain so much to get it out, that you practically have a stroke.

 

RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT

The kind where you lose 30 pounds.

 

CORN SHIT

Self explanatory!

 

LINCOLN LOG SHIT

The kind of shit that is so huge that you’re afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with the toilet brush.

 

DRINKERS’ SHIT

That’s the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.  Its most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet.

 

“GEE, I WISH I COULD” DUMP

It’s the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.

 

SPINAL TAP DUMP

That’s the kind where it hurts so much coming out, that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

 

WET CHEEKS DUMP – or the – POWER DUMP

That’s the kind that comes out so fast that your ass cheeks get splashed with toilet water.

 

LIQUID SHIT

That’s the kind where yellowish-brown fluid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the bowl, the whole time burning your tender anal sphincter.

 

MEXICAN FOOD DUMP

A class all its own

 

PHOTOGENIC LOG – or – GUINNESS RECORD DUMP

That’s the kind that is so huge that it stands out of the water and waves at you.  You remove the toilet paper, grab a camera, and take a picture for the World Book of Records.

Flash Fiction #6

It’s Only Natural

copyright-erin-leary-2He stood at the fence, looking at the little stream, enjoying the beautiful morning.  The sun was well risen, but not yet really visible, as it burned the fog from the valley.

The red-winged blackbirds held chirpy conversations.  A few dragonflies darted here and there, importantly.  The occasional frog made a political statement.

It had been a lovely summer, and the autumn was still warm.  He loved being able to come here and stand in the shade of the trees, enjoying communing with nature.

He’d better get back to the barn.  His young owner would want to saddle him soon.

Go to Rochelle Wisoff’s Addicted To Purple blog, and use the weekly picture as a prompt.  Write a 100 word complete story about it.