Non-PC Humor

During last night’s high winds, an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Kitchener City Council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.

***

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghani guy standing on a fifth-floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

***

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”
To which the call center employee replied,
“Remain calm and stay on the line.”

***

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.

A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together …….. and then crap on your car.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

***

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment, he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old, disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
“The balcony”…….

😯

***

Funny You Should Mention One-Liners

If only my cache of completed trivia posts would expand as quickly as my wasteline waistline.  In lieu of some questionable memories and claims, I offer a collection of dubious jokes.

Clowning with One-Liners

The only clowns that I’m afraid of….
….are the ones running for President.

Is your refrigerator running?….
….Because I might vote for it.

All this political talk….
….is giving me an election

If only snooze minutes were….
….as long as microwave minutes.

Step aside coffee….
….This is a job for alcohol.

Does struggling to put on your jeans….
….count as cardio?

Use promo code “Netflix”….
….to get 50% off your social life.

The days of good grammar….
….has went.

Dear Math….
….Grow up and solve your own problems.

The only thing I gained in 2021….
….was weight.

I’m not passive/aggressive….
….unlike ‘some’ people.

No matter how kind you are….
….German children are kinder.

Always remember, You’re unique….
….Just like everybody else.

Six out of seven dwarves….
….aren’t Happy.

I can rise and shine….
….just not at the same time.

Beer is like pouring smiles on your brain.

Parked car conversations….
….are unofficial therapy sessions.

Farts are just ghosts….
…of the things we ate.

My favorite flavor of cake….
….is more.

Yes, I’m into fitness….
….I’m fitness whole taco into my mouth.

Tequila tastes like….
….I’m not going to work tomorrow.

The worst part of parallel parking….
….is the witnesses.

After Monday and Tuesday….
….even the calendar says W T F!————-

Looking Back – Again

The weirdest things formerly taught in schools

Part Two:

Pluto is a planet

Kids used to be taught that our solar system has nine planets, and that Pluto was the ninth.

They were taught wrong. On August 24, 2006, the icy ball 7.5 billion kilometers away had its status downgraded to “dwarf planet,” courtesy of the International Astronomical Union.

It didn’t have enough gravity to clear its orbit of debris, which is one of the characteristics required to be considered a planet,” says Mary Colson, an eighth-grade teacher.

Darkroom skills

While some schools may for retro reasons offer photography darkroom courses, digital technology has largely killed the need to go into dark rooms and develop film in baths of toxic chemicals. Besides the dangerous chemicals, equipment and supplies for the outdated developing processes are hard to find.

Diagramming sentences

In the days of old, elementary students were taught to diagram sentences, to understand their underlying structure. These parts might include a subject, a verb, an object, adjectives, adverbs and so on. But the system developed by Reed and Kellogg fell out of favor as educators moved away from such regimented methods of analysis to freer forms of expression.

Using blackboards

The old blackboards and chalk first got downgraded by the introduction of computers and now are increasingly replaced by more versatile whiteboards, which can accommodate eye-catching marker colors and even serve as projection screens. Kids no longer have to clap together two chalk erasers to clean them, sending up clouds of particulate.

“Chalk really isn’t good for anything. It gets all over your hands and your clothes,” agrees a fifth-grade teacher in New Haven.

Note-taking

Before there were smartphones to photograph teacher presentations or record their lectures, students had to take notes—that is, on paper with pen. While technology may be more convenient, research shows that students have to pay more attention to what is being said or shown when they take notes, so they learn better.

Civics

Up to the 1960s, it was common to have separate high school civics courses, designed to teach students about community service and the government. But these courses have been slashed with school budgets, leaving the majority of schools civics-free. Some education experts believe that civics courses develop young people’s critical-thinking skills, making them more engaged in public debates and more likely to participate in elections.

Spelling

Apparently some students might have trouble spelling ABC as schools move away from explicit instruction in spelling, perhaps driven by computers and their easy spell-checks.

Writes a literary expert J. Richard Gentry in Psychology Today: “America has moved to a toxic system for delivering spelling instruction in spite of an extensive and evolving body of research showing that direct and explicit spelling instruction is required for students to master the Mechanics of reading and writing.”

Sewing

Teaching sewing skills to girls has become passé, as gender roles have become less strictly defined.  Still, with six in 10 adults unable to sew well or at all, there might be a rationae for both sexes learning to mend tears, and sew on buttons.

“We have shifted away from the anachronistic view that girls should sew as an acquired life skill. Now we would say that boys or girls who want to go into textiles [need to learn certain skills] and we would try not to be gender specific,” says Julie Nugent, chief executive of the Design and Technology Association.

Math drills

Again, calculators, smartphones and personal computers are making serious math drills less common in schools. But many educators push against the idea of always letting machines do the thinking for us, and losing the chance to exercise our mental chops. The benefits of math drills just add up.

Tough gym classes

Chances are, kids’ memories of gym class today are much different than their parents’. In the 1960s there was a push towards high-intensity fitness regimens. Today kids are more likely to be given choices that let them avoid team sports and sweaty workouts. However, with childhood obesity and sedentary lifestyles at an early age becoming an issue, a return to gym-class tough love might be in order.

Flash Fiction #223

Inspiration

PHOTO PROMPT © Jeff Arnold

WHERE’S WALDO?

What’s here? Typewriter? Check. As old as me, but in better shape.
Coffee to rev me up – wine to smooth me out.
Notepad and pencil. Check.
Dictionary? Bah, I know the meaning of every word.
Enough light for old eyes. Cozy work desk!
Something’s missing!

I know! Two things – me…. and Inspiration.
What’s this??! Rochelle wrote two FFs? So, that’s where MY inspiration went. Erato, you traitor! I’m gonna binge watch The Masked Singer till you get back. Sarah Palin says her performance was the craziest thing she’s ever done. She apparently forgets, “I can see Russia from my house.” 😳

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Friday Fictioneers

Flash Fiction #148

Lance Armstrong

PHOTO PROMPT © Ted Strutz

SHOW ME THE BENJAMINS

You’re going to do WHAT??!  Ride in the Tour de France?  Are you crazy?  You get winded reading an exciting novel.  Who do you think you are, Lance Armstrong?  You don’t have the legs for it.

No, what I do have is a new kind of bicycle invented by my nephew.  He says that it passes all current regulations, but will make urban cycling so easy that Grandma could do it.  They’ll change the regs for next year, but even if I just finish the race, both the bike and I will be famous, and his sales will take off.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.