Good News and Bad News

Doctor

A man is driving down the highway on a rainy night and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the side of the road to change it.

While changing the tire his wrench slips from his hand and slides underneath his car.

He lies down flat to inch under the car and retrieve it.

As he’s in the prone position, a passing truck loses control on the wet road and runs over his legs.

The man goes unconscious and wakes up in the hospital.

A doctor comes in the room and sits down next to him. The doctor says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The man says, “Ok, give me the bad news first.”

The doctor gives a heavy sigh and slowly says, “We had to amputate both legs and you will never walk again.”

The man, completely distraught, takes a moment to soak in the news and asks “Ok, now give me the good news.”
The doctor perks up and announces brightly with a smile, “The guy down the hall wants to buy your slippers!”

***

A man’s mother-in-law comes to stay with them – bad enough but…. One day, he and the wife come home from shopping, and she is on the living room floor.  They quickly call an ambulance, and follow her to the hospital.  An hour later, a doctor comes out to talk to them.

“She’s alive, but she’s had a massive stroke.  I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news.”

The guy sighs, and says, “What’s the bad news?”

“Well, she’s totally paralyzed.  You’ll have to take care of her for the rest of her life.  You’ll have to hand-feed her baby food every day.  You’ll have to dress her in the mornings, and push her around in a wheelchair.  You’ll have to undress her and put her to bed every night.  You’ll have to put adult diapers on her, and clean up the messes.”

The poor guy sighs again, and says, “What’s the good news?”

The doctor says, “I was just kiddin’. She died!”

***

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take picture of a massive forest fire.

Smoke at the scene was far too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically phoned his head office to hire a plane.  “It will be waiting for you at the airport.” He was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, there was a plane, warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with all his equipment, and shouted, “Let’s go!  Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air.  The photographer said, “Fly over the north side of the fire, and make 3 or 4 low level passes.”

“Why? asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures.  I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause, the man said, “You mean you’re not the new flying instructor?”

***

A man walks into a shoe store…
…and tries on a pair of shoes.

“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight.” replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man’s feet.

“Try pulling the tongue out.” offers the clerk.

“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” he says.

***

My son and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

I told him that I knew as early as our wedding what marriage to the wife would be like.  It seems the minister asked her, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked me, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and she said, “He does.”

 

Now that COVID19 is past, I took the wife to a nice restaurant.  I asked the maître d’, “Do you serve crabs here?”
He replied, “We serve everyone.  Have a seat sir.”

 

Smitty’s Loose Change #9

Chalice

Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what you are told.

Religion is doing what you are told, regardless of what is right.

In the past we had chalices of wood and priests of gold.

Now we have chalices of gold, and priests of wood.

It is far better to have a religion without a church, than a church without a religion.

When religion is used to pander to political whims, it must forego the high moral ground, and become debased by worldly political demands.  The thrust should not be, but often is, directed at the creation of new political institutions and establishing political arrangements.

***

I decided to reward myself with a cup of coffee after a long, hard week.
Then I realized that it’s Tuesday.  Morning!

***

I’ve found a couple of inventive ways to irritate telemarketers, who call at inopportune times (are there ever any opportune times?)  I’ve placed the phone on my stomach, while reclining in my easy chair, after a platter of nachos.  I’ve laid it, face-up, beside a cat who was loudly demanding to be fed.

The son and grandson, third and fourth generations of this weirdly delightful (and delightfully weird) family, have outpaced even me.  One day, the son was in the computer room after coming home from work.  He was standing beside the scanner/printer/fax machine, when the phone rang.  When it rings, the fax machine wakes up. Is it for me?

He said ‘Hello’ into the phone, and got that second of dead air, then it opened to a boiler-room of 50 Pakis babbling in the background.  He immediately jabbed the ‘Send Fax’ button.  SCREEEE-AWWW, SCREECH-SCREECH.  If the fax noise hadn’t drowned it out, he might have learned what the Urdu word for ‘Fuck’ was.

Even more technological, the grandson’s smart-phone shows who’s calling.  When he pulls it from his pocket and looks at the screen, it shows ‘Duct-Cleaner,’ so he answers, “Rogers’ Duct-Cleaning Services, how may we help you?”  “Uhhh….never mind.”

***

I recently found a small advertising flyer, hand-delivered to my mailbox.  It was from a new real-estate company, offering 1% commission sales.  “And you don’t pay until you sell.”  All I could think was, “Margaret, I’ve got a great idea.  Let’s not sell the house….but we’ll give these nice people several thousand dollars, just because they put a postcard in our mailbox.”

***

Clarity

Forest fire update:  Parry Sound 33 inches closer to Highway 69

I wasn’t sure just how a forest fire could move an entire small city almost a meter (yard), so I succumbed to the click bait.  It seems that, a forest fire, identified as “Parry Sound, number 33,” slowly burns (inches) closer to Highway 69.  One little # number sign, or even a comma, would have made that much clearer.

Punctuation

***

That’s about all the stuff that runs screaming through my head, that the court order allows me to tell you at this time.  Arncha glad?   😆