Pensitivity101 and her Loss Control Officer were distracted by a troupe of Polish folk-dancers, so I was able to make off, undetected, with another list of ten chances to win the Paul Bunyan Tall Tale award.
- What did the Three Wise Men bring as gifts to the babe in the stables?
Watermelon-flavored bubblegum, a Hello Kitty backpack, and a bunch of those pine-scented car deodorizers. Do you know what stables smell like??! And He’s not helping matters any. He’s being investigated by the EPA for air quality violations. “Holy shit” may be what He produces, but it still reeks.
2. Band Aid had a Number One hit with the same record 3 times. What was it?
A catchy little ad-jingle that goes I am stuck on Band-Aid brand, ‘cause Band-Aid’s stuck on me.
3. Why is Rudolph’s nose red?
Santa can’t possibly eat all the cookies and drink all the milk that people leave out for him, all by himself, so Rudolf helps out. Approximately 40% of the milk – and almost all of the egg nog – are chemically enhanced with rum, rye or vodka. The night barely begins before Rudolf’s bloodshot eyes start to leak down to his nose. The bright glow helps tell where they are, but soon Rudy has no idea where he’s going. Santa has to attach a Garmin mini-GPS unit to his antlers, even to assure they get back to dead-drunk North.
4. Who was Santa’s Little Helper?
They were some special little ‘stay-awake’ pills that Santa got from Walter White of the Breaking Bad TV show. Pound a few of those down with a king-can or two of Monster© soda, and stay awake and alert for the 24 hours that it takes to chase the sunrise, and deliver seven billion toys in 24 hours.
5. What will you find on Quality Street?
Snooty bitches like Posh Spice, (GOOP) Gwyneth Paltrow, and Oprah Winfrey, believing their own press, and looking down their noses at lesser beings – anyone other than them. What you won’t find, is the likes of the Kardashians, Nicky Minaj, or Cardi B – who all believe in quantity, over Quality.
6. What is egg nog?
According to the translation of the French side of Canadian cartons, it is “Chicken Milk.” I don’t know how you’d milk a chicken. You must need a very short stool.
7. Who is Saint Nick?
He is my neighbor, Nicholas Dunning-Kruger, whose wife is an obsessive shopper. She only has two complaints – “I have nothing to wear.” and, “There is no room in my closet.” She will contentedly spend 12 to 14 hours of a Saturday, going into every shoe store within a fifteen-mile radius, and still return home with nothing more than a smile. Nick obligingly, obediently, uncomplainingly drives her around and patiently waits for her. He is the inspiration for my Beothuk Flash Fiction. I don’t know why he hasn’t smothered her, or slashed her wrists with a sharpened credit card. He truly is a saint.
8. Where is Christmas Island?
It’s at the seaward end of the Happy Holidays Archipelago, just across the Incensed Christians Strait from Lovingly Inclusive Key. There are lots of shopping and party places, but be careful if you want to visit. There are a bunch of religious nut-cases who try to block access with large crosses, and insist that they own the entire island, when they only hold title to one small area.
9. What does Feliz Navidad mean?
It means that you’re living too far south in the United States. Move somewhere far enough north that people say Merry Christmas – or at least, Happy Holidays – or your festive meal will be arroz con pollo. (recipe)
10. What is a gobbler?
That would be my divorced uncle, Fred, at any Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas family gathering where someone else is providing a home cooked meal. Free is his favorite flavor.