The Saddest Funny Story

Sad Emoji

We recently had to attend a funeral service for one of the wife’s sisters. That was only the beginning of the sadness. A nephew of the wife’s sat down opposite us, and related his sad tale.

For about five years, he’s been fighting a neuropathy, a neurological syndrome which has been causing increasing pain in his extremities. First his hands, then his feet, became agonizingly sore. He was up to gobbling eight Oxycodone tablets a day, just to keep the pain level down to a 2.

He married a New Order Mennonite girl who increasingly involved him and the kids in their church. There had been a two-day weekend Salvation Convention. The church brought in speakers to lecture on different sins, and what to do to get rid of them.

After one seminar session, the moderator paired each attendee off with another church member who they were not particularly close to. They were to go to small tables, where each one would confess his/her sins to the other, who would then pray for them and forgive them. Then the process would reverse.

He said that he hunched over the table and told the other man about all his sins. The farmer devoutly prayed for him, and told him that he was forgiven. He said that he suddenly realized that he could no longer feel the continuous pain in his hands and feet. He called the pastor over and told him this, and the whole room had a Glory, Halleluiah, Praise-The-Lord, prayer session of thanks. God had cured him.

I manfully tried not to smirk, and wondered if his posture had kinked, or un-kinked, a spot on his spine, or if the power of suggestion had caused a psychosomatic (perhaps temporary) cure. He might even provide the possibility of a God-answered-prayer miracle. I was all ears!

He continued his tale. He can now not feel anything with his hands. His legs are numb from the knees down. When he had to call an ambulance for his wife’s apparent heart attack, he stood outside for ten minutes, in a foot of February snow in his bare feet. This condition is dangerous, especially for him, because he works in HVAC. This is like leprosy, or diabetes. If he cuts or burns himself and doesn’t notice it, he may have to have an amputation, if infection sets in.

This is the normal, worsening progression of the disease. GOD didn’t cure him, but he believes that happened. I just sat there in stunned disbelief, thinking that it was his belief that was stunned.
What’s the problem with a comfortable delusion?
There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Havin’ A Ball

Broken Window

A young boy was playing with a ball in the street. He kicked it too hard, and it broke the window of a house and fell inside. A lady came to the window with the ball and shouted at the young boy, so he ran away, but he still wanted his ball back.

A few minutes later he returned and knocked at the door of the house, and when the lady answered it, he said, “My father’s going to come and fix your window very soon.”

After a few more minutes a man came to the door with tools in his hand, so the lady let the boy take his ball away.

When the man finished fixing the window, he said to the lady “That will cost you exactly ten dollars.”

“But aren’t you the father of that young boy?” the woman asked, looking surprised.

“No,” he answered, equally surprised. “Aren’t you his mother?”

***

It is a dark night.
A man is riding a bicycle with no lamp.
He comes to a crossroad.
He stops because he doesn’t know which way to turn.
A tall pole stands near the road with a piece of paper on it.
It is very dark and the paper is too high – he cannot read it.
He takes out his box of matches and climbs up the pole.
There, he lights a match and then reads the following words on the paper:
“Wet paint.”

***

A female asked God that she wanted her all husband’s attention, she wanted that he should only look at her, keep her with him all the time and give her utmost importance in life….God turned that female into a mobile phone.

***

The Impact of a Job Change

One day, a passenger in a cab tapped the cab driver on his shoulder to get his attention.

The cab driver screamed, lost control of the cab, went up on the sidewalk and stopped inches from a shop.

The passenger apologized and said: “I didn’t realize that a little touch would scare you so much.”

The cab driver replied “Sorry it’s not your fault, it’s my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 20 years.”

***

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves. The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven?

Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.” “Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?” “OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

 

April A To Z – By way of G

April Challenge

I’ve gone and got to G.  What shall I gab about?   I’ve got it!

Letter G

GUNS, GOD AND GRAVESTONES

Any of you who may feel that all three of the above are connected, haven’t been paying attention to the filing system inside my head.

Colt 1911

I don’t give a shit what the Nervous-Nellie, conservative, reactionary do-gooders claim. Guns don’t kill people! Guns don’t kill people any more than hammers build houses.  People kill people when the wrong people get ahold of guns.  I know of guns that are older than I am, and the only thing they’ve ever done is put holes in pieces of paper.

The wrong people get hold of guns when gutless Gus thinks he hears a burglar, and hides a rifle under the bed, and his 4-year-old ‘pretends’ to shoot the neighbor kid – when an armed Security Guard is too lazy to store his gun in his house, or at least in his car’s trunk, and lets his girlfriend and her 6-year-old use the car, and it slides out from under the front seat – when a lady shopper leaves a loaded, cocked pistol in her purse, next to her child in a shopping cart.

We don’t need ‘Gun Control.’ We need people control! We need  background checks, waiting periods, licensing, gun handling and storage safety training, and – instead of emotional, hand-wringing histrionics – an ongoing campaign like we have for smoking in public, or drunk driving, to get people to think, (Could happen) and take their guns, and their control of them, seriously.

OH GOD

God is!….And all the rest of you are wrong.

In the beginning, God created Man – and immediately, every Man created the God which best suited his selfish needs and mistaken beliefs.

The Muslim God is different from the Jewish God.   The Jewish God is not the same as the Christian God.  The Roman Catholic God is not the same as the God of the Greek Orthodox Church – and neither is the same as the Russian Orthodox God.

The Catholic God differs from the Protestant God, and the God of each of over 42,000 Protestant sects varies widely and wildly from the Catholics’– and from each other. In every case, at least one of them must be wrong.

‘Your God’ is a mean, vicious, vengeful, violent God, who would torture me for eternity for respecting all humans and their rights, even if some of them are gay, whereas ‘my God’ is loving, forgiving and inclusive.

The God of the insecure egotists, ‘sees every sparrow fall,’ but they fail to notice that the Bible doesn’t say anything about Him actually doing anything about it. If a greater being created the universe, It is not the God of the egotists’ dreams. It regards this little ball of rock called Earth like an ant-farm, mildly interesting at times, but not worth interfering with, no matter how much they vainly pray.

None of us have enough brains to know what an infinite ‘God’ thinks and wants, but too many of us also don’t have enough brains to keep our mouth shut, and prove our ignorance.

ENGRAVED IN STONE

I’m not going to get stoned – even though it sometimes looks like I am, when I write.

My maternal grandparents lie side-by-side in a double plot, in the old section of my home-town cemetery. Someone in the family must have had some money.  A four-foot high white marble obelisk sits on a sandstone plinth at their heads, with all biographical data professionally and artistically carved in.

Ever the prepared planner, my Mother arranged and paid for all funeral details long before she and Dad died. They (which may mean she) opted for cremation.  They purchased a single plot, and had their urns buried at each of the top corners.  There’s room for four more urns – two on the sides, and two at the bottom.

In the new cemetery section, the rule is that all gravestones must be flush with the earth, for ease of groundskeeping. They put two small sandstone slabs (about 8” square) over the urns, with only their names, and the word ‘husband’ or ‘wife’, no dates of birth or death.

Not exactly welcoming the inevitable, but like Mom, knowing that it should be planned for, I recently had a conversation with my younger brother. Since there’s room at Mom and Dad’s plot, did he plan to be cremated and buried with them?

No more religious than I am, he surprised me with a vehement refusal. No cremation for him!  He plans to be buried the old-fashioned way – embalming, body in a coffin, coffin in the ground.  He’s going to buy a single plot, and have a stone about a quarter of the surface area laid over him.

Like my Mother, I am not a believer in physical resurrection. I also want to be cremated.  The whole process, from beginning to end (actually, from my ending, to the delivery of the urn by Amazon drone) is about $2000/$2500.

I see no reason to rob my heirs of what little I can leave them, by purchasing a plot of land I don’t need, and a chunk of stone that, eventually, no-one will visit. I will be given, probably to my daughter, as a bagful of bonemeal fertilizer that she can sprinkle in her garden, and I will be resurrected as a rosebush, or a lilac tree. (Although, with my luck, I’ll come back as crabgrass.)  That’s the true ‘Circle of Life!’

It’s Off To WORK We Go

Seven Dwarfs

A highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest “Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) center to take antidotes known as ” Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE), “Radioactive UnWORK Medicine” (RUM), “Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter” (BEER) or “Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen” (VODKA). Please, inform everybody to raise awareness!

***

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as “she”. One of the students raised their hand and asked “What gender is a computer”?

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

***

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, “Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s not so bad.”

A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!”

***

Ad In The Paper

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. A woman on the other end asked, “How much do funeral notices cost?”

“$5.00 per word, Ma’am,” came the response. “Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?” “Yes, Ma’am.” “OK, write this: ‘Fred dead.’” “I’m sorry, Ma’am; I forgot to tell you there’s a five-word minimum.” “Hmmph,” came the reply, “You certainly did forget to tell me that.” A moment of silence. “Got your pencil and paper?” “Yes, Ma’am.” “OK, print this: ‘Fred dead, Cadillac for sale.’”

#463

I Don’t Know

You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice
there’s always like 16% “I don’t know”!

It costs 90 cents to call up and vote… They’re
voting “I don’t know!” – “Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone.” (Into
phone) “I don’t know!” (hangs up, looking proud)
“Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you are not sure about!”

This guy probably calls up phone sex girls at
$2.95 a minute. (into phone) “I’m not in the mood!”

***

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!

***

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

***

Virginity is not like a bank account.
If you save it, it doesn’t draw any interest.

***

A guy receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives
at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the
upper corner of the stadium; he’s closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway
through the first quarter he sees through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field,
right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium and
around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down he asks the gentleman sitting next
to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The
man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a
great seat for the game, he again inquires of the
man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the
Super Bowl and not use it?!”

The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl
we haven’t been together at, since we got married.

“Well, that’s really sad, but still, you couldn’t
find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close
relative?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

***

Women’s Advice to Men 

The reason why our bras don’t always match our
underwear is because WE actually change our
underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about
armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of
you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive
questions on your payday.

Don’t fret if you find out that the milkman
delivers more than once a day.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional
to the number of baths you take.

The next time you joke about female drivers,
research the number of accidents caused by
rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends
keep track of “who’s easy”?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay:
we don’t care.

Start parting and combing your hair to one side
early in life – you’ll never see the ‘island’ coming.

Your contributions to your child should go above
and beyond that Y chromosome you unselfishly
sacrificed.

Eye contact is best established above our
shoulder-level.

Your balding is a good thing – it subsidizes our
hair care expenses.

 

Mental Health

The voice-mail menu at the Board of Mental Health lists;

If you are obsessive/compulsive, press #1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, have someone press #2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press #3, 4 or 5.
If you are possessed by Satan, press #666.
If you have gambling problems, press #7 – 11
If you hear voices, press whatever number they tell you to.
If you are paranoid, just hang up. We know who you are, and are coming to get you.

***

A high school science teacher standing in front of a class of seniors, suddenly asks, ‘What part of the human body is seven times as strong as steel, pound for pound? Miss Johnson??”

Startled, Southern Belle, Miss Johnson replies, “Well, I’m sure I don’t know. I can’t understand why you would ask me a question like that!”

The teacher says, “The answer is, a human hair. And you, Miss Johnson, are an optimist.”

****

If the world is my oyster, I think I’m allergic to shellfish.

The difference between genius and stupidity, is that genius has its limits.

***

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in
the hospital, near death. The family called their
pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood
next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed
him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used
his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
he died. The pastor thought it best not to look
at the note at that time, so he placed it in
his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message,
he realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said,
“You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing
Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration
there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Asshole, you’re
standing on my oxygen tube!”

***

The nude model climbed up the ladder,
As the painter, Titian, had bade her.
The position, to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder, and had her.

The was a young lady from Bright,
Who could travel faster than light.
She set off one day,
In a relative way,
And returned the previous night.

Never Satisfied

The employees of a small local firm became more and more upset, as the plant aggressively became totally automated.  Robots, conveyor systems, self-controlled machines, it all got installed.  Finally The Day came, and all the workers were called into the cafeteria.

The boss confirmed their worst fears, and the moaning started.  “No, no, don’t worry.  You guys have all stood up for me and the company when we needed it.  I’m not going to forget you.  It’s like a divorce.  I’ll continue to pay you today’s salary, until you get another job.  Some of you are old enough; I’ll pay you till you officially retire.”

Smiles and cheers, Yay Boss!  “The only thing is, I can’t legally pay you for nothing.  The plant’s not Totally automated.  We still get some snail-mail, the automatic oilers need to be topped up, the floors and machines will get dusty, and the windows will need cleaning.  What say we get together for a half a day each week?  Everybody wants Fridays off, and nobody wants to work Mondays.  If you get Friday and Monday off, Tuesdays and Thursdays might be a problem.  Let’s get together on Wednesdays, not too early.  We’ll work from ten till two, and be done till next week.”

And a whiny voice from the back says, “What, every Wednesday??!”

White Lady Special

A classroom of small children, half white, and half black, found out that the Teacher’s birthday was the following day, so they unanimously decided to buy her a gift.  All the white children chipped on a dollar each, to buy their gift, but the black kids could only afford a few meager cents apiece.

On her birthday, she found two presents on her desk.  When she opened the first, she was surprised to find a beautiful pair of leather gloves and a silk scarf.  When she opened the other, she was alarmed to find a beautiful chocolate cake, but bearing the letters F. U. C. K. on top.  Bewildered, she cried out, “Who could be so cruel as to put such a horrible word on this lovely cake?”

The little children answered, “Heck Teacher, that’s not FUCK, that’s      F rom   U s   C  olored   K ids!”

Business Practices

TO:  ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT:  ABSENCES

It has been brought to my attention, that the attendance record of this department is a disgrace to our gracious benefactor, who, at your own request, has given you a job.  Due to your lack of consideration for your job with so fine a company, as shown by such frequent absenteeism, it has become necessary for us to revise some of our policies.  The following changes are in effect as of today;

SICKNESS

NO EXCUSE….we will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof, as we believe that, if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

DEATH

(Other than your own)  This is no excuse.  There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure someone else with a lesser position can attend to the arrangements.  However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off work one hour early, provided that your share of the work is done far enough ahead to keep the job going in your absence.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE

(For an operation)  We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation, as we believe that, as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having any of it removed.  We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less then we bargained for.

DEATH

(Your own)  This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a two-week notice, as we feel that it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

Also; entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the restroom in alphabetical order.  For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00 to 8:15, “B” will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on.  If you are unable to go at your assigned time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day, when your time comes.