Comin’ ‘Round The Mountains

Condom

A 50 year old man walks into a store and asks the
pretty girl behind the counter where the condoms
are. “What size are you?” she asks.

The man replies “I don’t know”. So, she unzips
his pants and whips out his dick and says
“Ooooh, extra large condoms, Aisle 3”

A 30 year old walks in and asks the same thing.
She unzips his pants whips it out and says “Large
condoms – Aisle 3”

A 14 year old is standing outside and sees all
this “I wonder if I go in there and ask if she’ll
do the same for me?”

So, he goes in and asks…She unzips his pants,
whips it out and shouts “Clean-up to the Counter
please!”

***

We have enough youth,
how about a fountain of smart?

***

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Give it here!’ He snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells “We got him!”

***

Doc: Your lab tests show that you’re doing fairly well for a 65-year-old.
Male Patient: “Fairly well”… Do you think I’ll live to be 80?

Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?
     No. I’m not doing drugs either.

Do you eat rib eye steaks or barbecued ribs?
     No. I think all red meat is very unhealthy.

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like golfing, sailing, hiking or bicycling?
No, I don’t.

Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?
No, I don’t do any of those things.

Then why the hell do you want to live to be 80?

***

Why Jim Wheeler doesn’t like this joke

A man worked as a Production Engineer, always trying to find ways to do things faster, easier, cheaper. One day a co-worker asked him if he was like this in his entire life. “Oh yes.” He replied. “Just last week I mentioned to the wife that her system of making my breakfast was inefficient, and made several suggestions as to how she might improve things.” “Did it help?” “Oh yes, she used to take a half an hour to make me fried eggs, bacon, toast and coffee. Now, I do it myself in less than 18 minutes.”

😯

 

Indoor Golf

Golf Pin

Golfers might want to ‘brush up’ on the rules:

  1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment
    for play, normally one club and two balls.
  2. Play on course must be approved by the owner
    of the hole.
  3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get
    the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
  4. For most effective play, the club should
    have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted
    to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
  5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict
    club length to avoid damage to the hole.
  6. Object of the game is to take as many
    strokes as necessary. When the owner is
    satisfied, the play is complete. Failure to
    do so may result in being denied permission
    to play again.
  7. It is considered bad form to begin playing
    the hole immediately upon arrival.
    Experienced players will normally take time to
    admire the entire course, paying special
    attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
  8. Players are cautioned not to mention other
    courses they have played or are currently
    playing, to the owner of the course being played.
    Upset owners have been known to damage players
    equipment for this reason.
  9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain
    gear, just in case.
  10. Players should not assume that the course
    is in shape to play at all times. Players may be
    embarrassed if they find the course temporarily
    under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
    tactful in this situation. More advanced players
    will find alternate means of play when this is
    the case.
  11. Players should assume their match has been
    properly scheduled, particularly when playing a
    new course for the first time. Previous players
    have been known to become irate if they discover
    someone else is playing what they considered a
    private course.
  12. The owner of the course is responsible for
    the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the
    visibility of the hole.
  13. Players are strongly advised to get the
    owner’s permission before attempting to play the
    backside.
  14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players
    should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace
    at the owners request.
  15. It is considered an outstanding performance,
    if time permitting, to play the same hole several
    times in one match.

***

Sexual Innuendo

 

April Challenge – B

April Challenge

This blog-post is brought to you by the number 3.1415926, and the letter B.

Letter B

Basement; a story of a building, partly or wholly underground.

***

When they were first married, they were madly in love, always together. Couldn’t keep their hands off each other, joined at the hip – frequently. Went everywhere together.

He had to go to work to support his wife, and soon, their children. She became a housekeeper, remaining at home, to cook and clean, and raise the kids.  Still, they loved each other, and often expressed it – a quick kiss or a pat on the bum.

His career progressed. He worked longer hours and had to take courses.  When she wasn’t tied up with the kids, she got to coffee-klatch with other neighborhood wives, but they always made time for each other.

While they still liked each other greatly, and showed it, they found that they had different interests. He took up golf; she joined a bowling league.  He read only best-sellers and wondered what she got from the Historical Romance novels she read.  Still, there were the pecks on the cheek, and the rubbing of a forearm.

His job required him to travel occasionally. When he was out of town, she took the opportunity to visit a sister he considered a loud-mouthed trouble-maker.  When he returned home, they had little of interest to discuss with each other.

She moved into one of the children’s abandoned bedrooms, because ‘he snored.’ He might not snore if she didn’t stay awake all night, reading.

With the kids married, or off at college, organized evening meals became infrequent. One or the other might make food for them both, but it was seldom eaten together at the table.  She lounged in her bed and watched Downton Abbey.  He rocked back in the rec-room recliner and watched baseball or football.

One day he realized that they hadn’t spoken a word to each other in days – and he didn’t worry about it. They were down to having corridor sex.  If they met in the hallway, she would hiss, “Fuck you!”  He would reply, “Screw you, Bitch.”  Life had become an armed truce.

He realized that living together – separately, was better than splitting up. His benefits package covered her.  They only had one cable TV bill, one phone bill, one Internet provider.  The mortgage was retired, so neither would have to rent an apartment.

One day though, she gravely approached him, and told him that she wanted her space – without him in it. Somewhat sadly, he signed the divorce papers, and made arrangements to sell off the house and contents.  That was how he had come to be living in this basement, bachelor apartment.

 

The Art Of Programming

Nerd

An architect, an artist and a programmer were
discussing whether it was better to have a wife
or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because of the passion and mystery he
found there.

The programmer said, “I prefer to have both.”

“Both?”

Programmer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending
time with the other woman, and you can go to the
office and get some work done.”

***

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks
his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his
own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his
drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees
3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and
asks for an explanation. He explains “Every time
I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the
drawer.”

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad. But
what about the $6,000? He explains “Whenever I
got a dozen golf balls, I sold ’em!”

***

Any time four New Yorkers climb into the same cab without an argument, there’s been a bank robbery.

Men are like mascara. They run at the first sign of emotion.

Losing a wife is hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

***

I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I’m a catholic and living with him is hell.

***

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of
pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the
woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the
doctor, “Be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index
finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she
touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch!
That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right
nipple, “Ow, even that hurts”, she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a
moment and asked, “Are you a natural blonde?”

“Why, yes,” she said.

“I thought so,” said the
doctor, “You have a broken finger.”

#494

Happy Birthday

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a
local parking spot, overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on.

Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat
reading a computer magazine and a young lady in
the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the
driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said,

‘Yes, Officer?’

‘What are you doing?’ the policeman asked.
‘What does it look like?’ answered the young man.
‘I’m reading this magazine.’

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat,
the officer then asked, ‘And what is she doing?’

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied,

‘I think she’s knitting a sweater.’

Confused, the officer asked, ‘How old are you,
young man?’

‘I’m nineteen,’ he replied.

‘And how old is she?’ asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,
‘Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be
eighteen.’

***

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen’s eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, ‘In my family we normally solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.’

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, ‘Now it’s my
turn to kick you.’

The Scotsman said, ‘Keep the damned egg.’

***

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s
office for his checkup.

Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and
said, “Unless you do the following things, your
husband will surely die.” The doctor then went
on to say, “Here’s what you need to do. Every
morning make sure you serve him a good healthy
breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch
so that you can serve him a well balanced meal.

Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each
evening and don’t overburden him with any
stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform
any household chores. Also, keep the house
spotless and clean so that he doesn’t get exposed
to any threatening germs.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what
the doctor said. She replied, “He said that
you’re going to die.”

Don’t Bet On It

How do you tell a Polish guy at a cockfight?  He’s the one with the duck.
How do you tell the Italian?  He’s the one betting on the duck.
How do you tell if the mafia is there?  The duck wins!

****

Life is hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.

I’ll stop being Grumpy, if you’ll stop being Dopey.

****

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA, when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of “-ese” are you?” The Japanese, confused and replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean.”

The American repeated, “What kind of “-ese” are you?” Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yells, “What kind of –ese are you?? Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc…” The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I’m Japanese!”

A while later, the Japanese turned to the American and asked, “What kind of “-key” are you?” The American, frustrated, yelled, “What you mean, what kind of “-key” I am?” The Japanese said, “Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?”

***

A lawyer charging a high fee, a lawyer charging
a low fee and Santa Claus were seated around a
table in the center of which was $10,000.

The lights went off. When the lights came back
on the $10,000 was missing. Who took it????

Answer: The lawyer charging the high fee took it
because the other two are figments of your
imagination.

***

How many lawyers does it take to
shingle a roof?

About 3 1/2 if you slice them thin enough.

***

Rules Of Golf

 

  1. Ladies are prohibited from touching gentlemen’s balls, either with clubs or hands.
  2. All holes must be kept clean.
  3. Gentlemen making a hole in one shot must change partners for the second round.
  4. In getting down to short strokes, ladies are requested to remain quiet. This co-operation is appreciated by gentlemen players.
  5. In games where partners play with one ball only, the players must go off together on each tee.
  6. Where the lady player goes off first, the gentleman must not delay the stroke, but continue the play.
  7. In cases where the lay is impossible, the lady has the privilege of choosing a new position.
  8. When the gentleman finds this is impossible, he may choose another lay, starting at least a club’s length from the hole.
  9. In an impossible lay, within six inches of the hole, the hands may be used.
  10. Married couples are requested not to meet on the links, but to choose other partners where possible.

Note:  While the management strives to improve the course in every way, it cannot be responsible for balls lost in the bush between certain holes.

 

Just a reminder about proper comportment for next spring’s games.  I know it’s been a while since I played around a round.

Two Funny Bones

Speaking of which, did you hear about the guy who swallowed his Viagra too slowly?

He got a stiff neck!

What did the baby digital watch say to his mother analog watch?

Look Ma, no hands!

Poor Diet

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in both ears and a carrot stick up each nostril.  He mumbles, “Doc, I’m just not feeling well.”

The doctor replies, “Maybe you’re not eating right!”

Well, Honestly

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway.  He tells the guy to blow into the breathalyser.

“I can’t do that, officer, I’m an asthmatic, and I could have an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.  I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we’ll just take a blood sample then.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.  I’m a hemophiliac.  If I give blood, I could bleed to death.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?!”

“Because I’m drunk!”

 

Old Age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Skill every time.

 

Poll Dancing

A young man was hired to make a door-to-door survey for the Vaseline Company.  He rang a bell, and announced his business to the lady of the house, who said she would be happy to answer any questions he had.

“Tell me,” he queried, “do you have any children?”

“Oh yes,” she replied, “I have five.”

“Fine,” he beamed, “and do you use Vaseline?”

“Often!” she stated.  “When one of the kids gets a cut, or a bruise, or a rash.”

“Wonderful,” the young man replied, “Do you ever use it for sexual purposes?”

“Very often.” she smiled.

“Ah….internally or externally?” he continued.

“Externally.” she replied.

“Could you tell me where you apply it?” he asked.

“To the outside of the bedroom door knob, to keep the kids from barging in!”

Gallic Logic

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife, for having an affair with a neighbor.  Upon being asked why he shot the wife instead of the lover, he replied, “Ah m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once, than a different man every week?”

White Lady Special

One of those do-gooder, lady, settlement workers stopped a hard-looking youngster, and asked where his father was.

“Ain’t got no father.” the kid said.

“And your mother?”

“Ain’t got no mother.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.  When did she pass away?”

“I never had no mother.”

“Then how were you born?” the lady settlement worker asked in dulcet tones.

“Some bum played a dirty trick on my aunt!”

The Golfing Preacher

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away.  It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing.  The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.  The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly the urge to play golf overcame him.

He called the assistant pastor and told him he was sick and could not do church.  Then he packed his car, and drove for two hours, to a golf course where no-one would recognize him.  He happily began to play the course.  An angel up above was watching the preacher, and was quite perturbed.  He went to The Lord, and said, “Look at the preacher.  He should be punished for what he is doing.”  The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole.  He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air, and landed on the green and rolled into the cup, three-hundred and fifty yards (meters) away.  A perfect hole-in-one!  He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked.  He turned to The Lord and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

The Lord smiled.  “Think about it – who can he tell?”

I’ll leave you with a little do-it-yourself humor.  “Michael Jackson!”  He’s the punch line to any joke.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  Michael Jackson!  How is Michael Jackson similar to a grocery bag?  They’re both made of plastic, and dangerous for children to play with.