Good News and Bad News

Doctor

A man is driving down the highway on a rainy night and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the side of the road to change it.

While changing the tire his wrench slips from his hand and slides underneath his car.

He lies down flat to inch under the car and retrieve it.

As he’s in the prone position, a passing truck loses control on the wet road and runs over his legs.

The man goes unconscious and wakes up in the hospital.

A doctor comes in the room and sits down next to him. The doctor says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The man says, “Ok, give me the bad news first.”

The doctor gives a heavy sigh and slowly says, “We had to amputate both legs and you will never walk again.”

The man, completely distraught, takes a moment to soak in the news and asks “Ok, now give me the good news.”
The doctor perks up and announces brightly with a smile, “The guy down the hall wants to buy your slippers!”

***

A man’s mother-in-law comes to stay with them – bad enough but…. One day, he and the wife come home from shopping, and she is on the living room floor.  They quickly call an ambulance, and follow her to the hospital.  An hour later, a doctor comes out to talk to them.

“She’s alive, but she’s had a massive stroke.  I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news.”

The guy sighs, and says, “What’s the bad news?”

“Well, she’s totally paralyzed.  You’ll have to take care of her for the rest of her life.  You’ll have to hand-feed her baby food every day.  You’ll have to dress her in the mornings, and push her around in a wheelchair.  You’ll have to undress her and put her to bed every night.  You’ll have to put adult diapers on her, and clean up the messes.”

The poor guy sighs again, and says, “What’s the good news?”

The doctor says, “I was just kiddin’. She died!”

***

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take picture of a massive forest fire.

Smoke at the scene was far too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically phoned his head office to hire a plane.  “It will be waiting for you at the airport.” He was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, there was a plane, warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with all his equipment, and shouted, “Let’s go!  Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air.  The photographer said, “Fly over the north side of the fire, and make 3 or 4 low level passes.”

“Why? asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures.  I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause, the man said, “You mean you’re not the new flying instructor?”

***

A man walks into a shoe store…
…and tries on a pair of shoes.

“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight.” replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man’s feet.

“Try pulling the tongue out.” offers the clerk.

“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” he says.

***

My son and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

I told him that I knew as early as our wedding what marriage to the wife would be like.  It seems the minister asked her, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked me, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and she said, “He does.”

 

Now that COVID19 is past, I took the wife to a nice restaurant.  I asked the maître d’, “Do you serve crabs here?”
He replied, “We serve everyone.  Have a seat sir.”