Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
“Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise.
“Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen…
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
“Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?”
“You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
A Scotsman walks into a Glasgow library and says to the chief librarian,
‘Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?’
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, ‘Bugger off, ye’ll no bring it back!’
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Maggie — put your hat and coat on, lassie.”
She replied, “Aw, Jock, that’s nice, are you taking me tae the pub with you?”
“Nae,” Jock replied. “I’m turning the heat off while I’m out.”
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”
The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well,if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, ’Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?’
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, “Sorry, kid, but baggers can’t be juicers.”
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”
“4136,” I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.
Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.
I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh sir?”
The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.
Of course, I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
“Why?” asked the chairman.
“Because,” I said, “our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don’t want be known as VP of CRAP.”