Lies We (Can) Tell Each Other

Pinnochio

Here’s a chance to lie your face off. Choose any or all of the following questions, and tell it like it isn’t. Go big, or go home. Copy the questions and post them on your own site, for others to see. Imagine away! 😉

  1. Can a woodchuck chuck more wood than a woodpecker can peck?
    2. If you put something where the Sun does not shine, where did it go?
    3. What did Columbus say when he landed in the New World?
    4. Why was Nero playing his fiddle when Rome burned?
    5. If you are retired, can you still observe Labor Day?
    6. Where did the Amazons come from?
    7. Who started the Trojan War?
    8. Since corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
    9. Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?
    10. The #2 pencil seems to be the most popular, so why doesn’t someone invent a #1 pencil?
    11. If there was an Eighth Dwarf along with Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy and Sleepy, what would his name be?
    12. Why are zebras striped?
    13. If the Love Bug hadn’t been a Volkswagen beetle, what would it have been?
    14. Why aren’t we on Cloud 10 when we’re happy?
    15. Why do we draw curtains?
    16. What is the difference between cottage pie and shepherd’s pie?
    17. Are wine gums alcoholic?
    18. What’s the best way to diet?
    19. What is a homonym?
    20. Why do witches always seem to wear stripey socks?

These are my answers, and I’m sticking to them. Make up some of your own.

  1. He could, but it’s a matter of sequence. He has to wait for the woodpecker to peck it loose, before he can chuck it. Like the two Newfies who came to Ontario to find jobs. One was a woodcutter, the other was a pilot. The employment agency didn’t have any call for a woodcutter, but felt they could employ a pilot. “But, if I doesn’t cut it, he can’t pilot!”
  2. Tacoma, Washington
  3. “Here goes the neighborhood.”
  4. Because nobody was allowed to call him a lyre.
  5. Only if you have a young, pregnant, trophy-wife.
  6. I’m not sure. My last one was delivered by a drone.
  7. A hooker with STDs
  8. Not sure, but they DO cry when the drill goes in.
  9. Because, when he’s finished, you’re broker than when he started – also, because all the correct names are prohibited by slander/libel/defamation laws.
  10. Actually, the #1 pencil exists. It’s just that Avis car rental gave away tons of #2 pencils as a marketing scheme. “We’re #2, and we try harder.” Nobody remembers poor #1 pencil. Better to wonder what happened to Preparations A through G.  Take’em and stick ’em…. where the sun don’t shine.
  11. His name is Sleazy. He wasn’t there when Snow White dropped in – just as well. He was in prison with that Epstein pervert.
  12. Even when you say that you’ve spotted a zebra – it’s striped. They decided to give up half their (bad) black pigmentation for better PR, but it didn’t work out.
  13. See #7
  14. Clouds were developed over many years, right up to Cloud 9. When the computer was invented, it was decided not to assign the next one number 10, because it might cause digital confusion. Cloud 9 has been rebranded as Cloud 1001.
  15. I draw a blank on this question. With my shake, I can’t draw curtains. I just download photos of them from Shutterstock.
  16. Obviously cottage pie is eaten indoors, while shepherd’s pie is eaten in the fields with the flock. Sheep are herbivores, so there’s no danger, but watch out for rampaging hedgehogs.
  17. Wine gums are not alcoholic, but a person who eats them often is.
  18. While at the dining table, allow your arms to hang straight down. Bend your elbows 90 degrees. Place your fingers on the top edge of the table, and your thumbs underneath. Grasp the table firmly…. and push away before second helpings.
  19. That’s a nasty, pejorative name that Christian Fundamentalists and other bigots use, when they can’t pronounce LGBT.
  20. See #12 The half of the black stripes that the zebras gave up were used to pattern socks. Only witches would wear the black ones, until they were all used up. Now they wear stripey socks of the whole rainbow of colors – and the Fundies think they’re LGBT.

I feel the truth serum kicking in. I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down Ben Franklin’s kite, and used it to write my next blog-post on. Stop back again in a couple of days, and see what happens when someone makes an honest man of me. 😉

Why (Fundamentalist) Christians Hate Atheists

….Agnostics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists….pretty much anybody who’s not them!

Smartest People.jpeg

‘Good Christians’ often paint themselves into a corner with reality and society. The more Fundamentalist they are, the more numerous, and tighter, the corners.

Churches are not bastions of religious discussion. They are merely echo chambers.  Congregations congregate in buildings which are full of people who think exactly like them – no further thought required.  The strangely-dressed bellwether at the front says ‘Baaa’, and they all nod and pass the collection plate, eager to be fleeced.  There’s a reason that they’re called a flock.

Atheists are happy to be on their own, thinking their own thoughts and making their own decisions. For many Christians, it is not enough that they accept the existence of God, and Christ as their Savior; they must Have Faith, and Believe, to be able to go to Heaven.  The mere existence of Atheists, to say nothing of some of their more loudly-held opinions and arguments, undermines that faith and belief, and it scares the Hell into the Fundies.

If someone tells you that they CHOOSE TO BELIEVE – in God, or anything else – they’re full of bullshit, and they’re trying to feed some to you.  People believe because they are convinced.  They can become convinced, but it’s not controlled by an on/off switch.  They can claim that they’re convinced.  They can fool others.  They can even fool themselves, but if the God that they ’believe’ exists, really does, they’re not going to convince Him.  And so, the hatred of, and discrimination against, Atheists begins, to remove all doubts.

I can’t count the number of blog-posts and articles I’ve read, where someone raised in a ‘Good Christian’ home, becomes an Atheist. It seems the more Fundamentalist and Evangelical the household – the more likely it is to happen.  Possibly it’s because the mistakes and hypocrisy and fuzzy logic are more apparent, and easier to see.

It is sadly amusing how so many of these poor souls realize and admit that, based on the claims they’ve heard, they find no proof that the God described really exists. Many of them strongly resist calling themselves Atheists, because they’ve been taught that Atheists are evil, nasty and sinful.  I’m not evil, nasty, or sinful. I’m a nice person.  I can’t be an Atheist!  But the Christian families that kick them out, or entire Bible-belt towns who shun them, harass them, and force them to move away, are evil, nasty and sinful.

I’ve been preaching for years about the ego and insecurity that fuels this type of behavior. Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger.  You don’t have to blindly believe in My truths, because, while I’m not imaginary, I’m only G.O.D., not God.

Flash Fiction #99

Three Pigs

Thanks to Piya Singh for this week’s photo prompt

BIG BLOWHARD

When the Big Bad Wolf blew down the house of straw, that Piggy ran to his brother’s house of sticks. The Wolf blew down the house of sticks, and they both ran to their older brother’s house of….??!

“Bricks are too expensive; I used free fieldstone; it’s much stronger!”

The Big Bad Wolf said, “I’m going to huff and puff, and blow that house down.”

The third Piggy replied, “Not today, bitch!” He stuck a 12-gauge SPAS shotgun out the tiny window and blew the wolf away.

They all lived happily ever after, with their feet on a wolf-skin rug.

***

I wanted to include a line about, “This State’s got a Stand Your Ground Law.”, but a word limit is a word limit.  You’ll just have to imagine it.  😆

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple website and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

 

Flash Fiction #91

Water

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

HOW DRY I AM

Mankind is a blight upon the face of the Earth. I believe the line in The Matrix which says Humanity is like a virus.

This was a nice little town, until someone drilled a large-bore water well. Even then, it was happiness and prosperity for thirty years – till the aquifer went dry.

Then there was no more water for drinking or manufacturing. The water-dome collapsed, the soil compacted, and entrances at ground level, now needed ladders to get up into.  People moved away, plants and animals died, and the town, with its proud history and spirit, died with them.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

 

Flash Fiction #41

Deep Freeze

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deep Freeze

Everything was black and white.  He was right, and that’s all there was to it.  He’d be damned if he was going to grovel and apologise.

Everything about their relationship had become frozen, coated with icy exchanges, every detail covered with the rime of discord.

“Honey?  I’m sorry!  I shouldn’t be so rigid.  You have the right to your opinions too.  We should learn to compromise and get along better.”

….and the sun of their former love began to shine again, bringing back the warmth and glorious colors of their past.  He could visualize a bridge back to former happiness.

 

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.