Being A Baby About One-Liners

Baby

People ask me what I’d like for my 76th birthday….
….I tell them, a paternity suit.

I’ve got rid of all my winter fat….
….Now I have spring rolls.

A bike in town keeps running me over….
….It’s a vicious cycle.

Is a cow that won’t give milk a milk dud….
….or an udder failure?

I’m so good at sleeping….
….I can do it with my eyes closed

I took a video of my shoe yesterday….
….It has some great footage.

Today at the bank, an old woman asked me to check her balance….
….so I pushed her over.

Average things are manufactured….
….in the satisfactory.

My wife says I’m absolutely useless at fixing appliances….
….Well, she’s in for a shock

I have a black belt in origami….
….I made it myself

How many lawyers does it take to fill an ambulance?….
….I don’t know. No-one’s ever tried to save one.

We don’t have an alarm system….
….I was just standing on the cat

A horse walks into a bar….
….The bartender says, ”Hey.”….
….The horse replies, “Sure.”

A hermit is….
….a man who goes off by himself

To improve my sex life I took Viagra and a bit of cannabis….
….I just ended up with stiff joints.

I can eat sugar with either hand….
….I’m ambi-dextrose.

Two guys walk into a bar….
….The third one ducked

Would you like to hear a construction joke?….
….Well, I’m still working on it.

Wanna hear a roof joke?….
….Okay, the first one’s on the house.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing….
….but mean your Mother

Ghosts like to ride in elevators….
….because it raises their spirits

I just spent $10,000 on home improvements….
….Now my home wants to leave me.

I’ve been watching women’s beach volleyball, and there was a wrist injury….
….but I should be okay by tomorrow

If you have a lot of math nerds in your family….
….you have square roots

What do electricians discuss?….
….Current events

 

Witchy Woman

Witchy WomanWitch

Mildred comes home to find her Witchy broommate crying hysterically.
Oh my god Agatha, what’s wrong??
I just got back from the doctor, and she said I CAN’T HAVE KIDS.
Oh Agatha, says Mildred, I am so sorry for you….but a food allergy isn’t the end of the world.

***

Years ago, I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the many questions asked about human anatomy, was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS”, into the name of ‘an important part of the body, which is most useful when erect.’

Those who wrote ‘SPINE’ went on to become doctors.
The rest of us are just posting jokes on social media.

***

A wife texted her husband, “Windows frozen” on a cold winter day.
He texted back, “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”
5 minutes later she texts him again, “Computer is completely messed up now.”

***

1st Hillbilly says: “My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner.”

2nd Hillbilly says: “Why is that stupid?”

1st Hillbilly says: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”

2nd Hillbilly says: “That’s nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin’ machines!”

1st Hillbilly says: “Why is that so stupid?”

2nd Hillbilly says: “‘Cause we ain’t got no plummin'”

3rd Hillbilly says: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.”

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: “Well, what’s so dumb about that?”
3rd Hillbilly says: “She ain’t got no dick.”

***

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

***

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient ones. Today I got a call from the Home Depot that installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago, but hadn’t been paid for.

Just because I’m a Senior Citizen, doesn’t mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. I told him just what his fast-talking salesman told me last year, ‘Those windows will pay for themselves in a year.’ ‘It’s been a year, so they’re obviously paid for.’ I told him. There was silence at the other end of the line, so I hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

***

Eagles fans can click ‘Witchy Woman’, above the graphic to hear what they think about a Witchy Woman.

 

Flash Fiction #139

Castle

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bulltot

LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOUR

There it is! Isn’t she a beauty?

When Robin Hood Realty says we’ll get you a castle, we deliver. ‘Course, it needs a bit of fixin’ up, but I know a tradesman who can put in new windows and cut your heating bill to nothing.

But….location, location, location. The Queen has a home just there, and back the other way, Madge – oops, sorry.  You colonials call her Madonna, like Adele, that one-named squawker of ours.

Madge’s husband?? ….buys an estate with a public footpath through it, then complains when the riff-raff parades past.

Don’t worry. Nobody wants to walk here.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

I Would Appreciate It….

….if you would read this blog….and comment on it….and tell your friends about it.  Hello??!  Is anybody out there?  Is this mike keyboard on?

Every blogger appreciates getting comments and feedback from their posts.  We all want to know that we’ve reached someone, gave them some new information, or a new way of looking at something.  Clicking *like* tells them that we’ve read the post, and felt it was good/interesting/worthy, but, stopping to make a comment tells a blogger that we’ve been more intimately involved with their thoughts.  Whether it’s just a little throwaway joke, or a deeply philosophical review of a complex subject, writers like to know that they’ve affected someone.  The more comments they get, the more connected they feel to their readers, and the happier they are.

There’s a new spate of blog awards making the rounds.  One of my newer Best Blog Buddies, Nicole, over at www.nmnphx.wordpress.com, despite being busier than usual, both at work, and just with life in general, has had four different blog awards lobbed at her in the last week.  After reserving one free minute to take a deep breath, she has managed to deal with all of them.  As usual, the terms of all of them are that, if you receive it, you must scatter copies of it, like flower petals in the wind.

She and I have been making free with comments on each other’s posts.  I have appreciated seeing her bright words below my prosaic posts.  Apparently she has felt much the same about my inane pigeon droppings responses.  So much so in fact, that she has deemed me worthy of the prestigious Reader Appreciation Award.  This award is bestowed upon blog visitors who are regular and reasonably intelligent commenters.  Well, I got one out of the two nailed.  I’m working to be sure I have my brain in motion, before I engage my mouth.

At least all I have to do for this award is appreciate it.  None of this telling you seven, or ten, or the square root of 144 things about myself.  I’ve already listed so much stuff about me that even I’m surprised.  Aside from blogging, the last new thing that happened to me is still carved into the cave wall.  I am supposed to pass this award on to five to ten visitors to my blog who make me feel good by regularly commenting.  Five to ten sounds like a prison sentence, and I’ve already got my five hardened criminals blog-friends picked out and will notify them as I post this.  If the following folks don’t feel any sillier than I do, feel free to mosey on over to the Archon’s Corral and pick up a pretty little picture to hang on your blog wall.

I want everyone to know that I really appreciate the comments, the following, and the support of;

The delightful, and only slightly profane, KayJai at www.kayjai.wordpress.com

Ted, the IT genius, hiding behind a rock at www.sightsnbytes.wordpress.com

Repairing a wall with one hand as she holds a loaded Glock in the other, it’s http://whiteladyinthehood.wordpress.com

The gently opinionated neighborhood axe-murderess Madame Weebles at www.fearnoweebles.wordpress.com

And Canada’s native son from the land of the midnight sun, www.theharemsmaster.wordpress.com

There are a few more that I could mention, but I’m too damned lazy right now.  There’s more exciting Olympics to get back to.  If you feel your name should have been included but don’t see it, please don’t be offended.  These blog awards come around more often than door-to-door driveway sealers.  The next time I get swatted with one, I’ll list some different names.  BrainRants comes to mind, but his comments have fallen off a bit because he’s busy saving the world from power-point presentations.  After he gets back I’ll see if I can find a logo that features a tank, or at least an M9 Beretta handgun.

How you please yourself or your significant other, in the privacy of your own home is your own business, but if you want to please a bunch of bloggers, wash your hands and leave a few nice comments.  We’d all appreciate it.