Garbage Picker

Garbage Can

I remember the first time that I ate out of a garbage can. 😯 It was in the late 1940s, and Kellogg’s was trying a new marketing scheme.

Variety-Pack

Their cereals came in small and large boxes, but they began offering them in tiny, serving-size boxes. The equivalent of a large box would get you 10 or 12 of these, all wrapped together. The fronts had an H-shaped perforation. You peeled back the two cardboard wings, and did the same with the waxed-paper liner inside. You poured milk right into the box, and ate the cereal right from it.

This was one of the first “labor-saving devices.” Working mothers didn’t have bowls to wash. The extra labor and packaging material made them more expensive, so they didn’t do well in my cheap, dirt-poor little town.

Kellogg’s produced them in every flavor that they made. They also made a ‘Variety Pack”, with some of each. The tiny, independent grocery carried them for a while. It sat beside a laneway to another street. There was a garbage pail right beside – not a dumpster – nobody could afford to throw that much away. Somehow, one of the sampler packs came apart. Unable to sell it, the grocer just gathered the pieces up, and dropped it into the garbage pail beside his building.

Finally dry from his immersion in the Niagara River, yours truly was busy skulking and gallivanting around town. I approached the store by the alley, from the next street. I stopped to look in the garbage pail, and couldn’t believe it. Someone was throwing perfectly good food away. There were little boxes of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, Vim, Rice Krispies, All Bran, Shredded Wheat, Bran Flakes – several types that I’d like to try, but couldn’t afford to purchase a whole big (or small) box, in case I didn’t like them.

They were all “Good-For-You” cereals…. and all that Bran! You wouldn’t be just regular – more like steady. I don’t remember any Sugar Corn Pops, or Sugar Smacks, or Sugar Anything. Sugar hadn’t been invented yet – or perhaps it wasn’t off wartime rationing. That’s why old people like me are sour and bitter. They had nothing sugary to sweeten them up.

The pail was relatively new and clean. The bulk package cardboard was pristine. The small inner packs touched only it. I dug out most of the tiny boxes – as many as my little arms could carry, and quickly headed for home with them. I told my Mother that ‘someone was throwing them away,’ without mentioning the garbage can, and had a bowel-cleansing assortment of breakfasts for almost two weeks.

Even today, there are individuals and groups – and not just homeless people – who regularly comb supermarket dumpsters for food deemed unsalable – packaged meats, cheeses, bread products, even fruit and vegetables, past their ‘Best Before’ dates. They eat it themselves, or donate it to food banks, to be used today. It saves money, and reduces the amount going to landfill sites.

The son works a midnight shift. He leaves work at 7:30 AM, and reaches the nearby supermarket just as it opens at 8:00, to purchase a discount copy of the Toronto Sun newspaper. He has learned to look at the other discount racks. Stock that will be thrown out tomorrow, is on sale today, for 20%, 30% – 50% off. He often comes home with half-price ground beef, steaks, roasts, bread, and buns. What doesn’t become his 9:00 AM ‘midnight snacks’, or goes into his little apartment-sized freezer, often makes its way into the household larder.

Reduce Reuse Recycle! Waste not – Want not. Do you do anything like this, to aid your economy, and the Ecology?

No Lie

Lie Detector

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:
Dad – So you were at school right?

Son – yeah
Lie Detector – BEEP

Son – Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector – BEEP

Son – ….I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad – What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector – BEEP

Mom – Ha ha ha ha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector – BEEP

***

This 60 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her awhile then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”

She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.”

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60 year-old ass?”

She says, “Well, your name never came up.”

***

I went to a Christmas party.  I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails.  Then I had a few shots.  I had the sense to know that I was over the limit, so I did something I’ve never done before.  I took a cab home.  Sure enough, the next morning the cops showed up.

***

A guy picking up his kid after school sees another kid, and loudly says, “That’s one ugly kid!”  The person standing next to him says, “That’s my son.”  Oh man, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were his father.”  “I’m his mother.”

***

A man says to his doctor, “What’s the good news?”
“You’ve got 24 hours to live.”
“Wha…  Then what’s the bad news?”
“We should have told you yesterday.”

***

Two reasons that I don’t give money to homeless people.
They would spend it on alcohol.
I want to spend it on alcohol.

***

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway.
Cop: Whose car is this?  Where are you going?  What do you do?
Driver: Mine.

***

Jack and Jill have grown up. They’ve graduated from Uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.  One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn’t want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.
While he’s considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, “Jill, I’ve either got to lay you or Jack off.”  Jill responds with a sigh, “Well, you’ll have to jack off, I’ve got a headache.”

***

A mathematician wasn’t sure of his appearance….
So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand. After little thought his friend says: “You’re about as good looking as you are bad looking.”
”Well that’s just mean.”

 

Flash Fiction #44

Deathtrap

© Lauren Moscato

Watch That First Step

“Dey say dissa new, Pope Frank”…..

“Pope Francis!  Avva sum respeck, eh!?”

“Dey say heeza nice guy, a manna da peepul. Dey say he goze owt onna street at night, anna help da homeless.”

“Uh huh!”

“He doan like da fancy cloze, an he doan stay at da Vatican.  He live in some ratty hotel.  Heeze ‘sposed ta wave at alla da peepul from da balcony at St. Peter Basilica.  What he gonna do when dey all show up outside hiz hotel window?”

“Doan wurry about dat.  I got sum material an toolz, an datz all bin tooken care of.

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.