Fun On A Plane

Inappropriate but funny

A gay couple set off for their honeymoon; On the plane to Hawaii one says “I’ve got a kinky idea, what if we had sex?”  ”Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it” replied the other.  ”Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!”  He stands up and asks loudly, “Could I have a pencil, please? Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.  They really wouldn’t care then, would they?”

So they proceed to have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. ”Sir, you should’ve asked for a bag!”  ”I didn’t dare” whispers the old man. “A few rows ahead of me, I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…”

***

NASCAR is very popular in North Korea, because it has no rights.

***

I envy guys for being able to say ‘SUCK MY DICK’ as a sort of ‘Fuck You.’ If I said ‘LICK MY VAGINA,’ I’d have 47 tongues in my pants.

***

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” says the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”
”Sure,” the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
”Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

***

A guy is driving around the back roads of Southern Ontario, and he sees a sign….

.…in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘. He bangs on the door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’ The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says. ‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’ ‘Because he’s a Bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.’

***

An old man was sitting on a bench…… when a teenage skater punk sat down next to him. The kid has tattoos and piercings and a Mohawk dyed a half a dozen different colors. He notices the old man won’t stop staring at him so says to him “What, you’ve never done anything fun in your life old man?” To which the old man calmly replies “Got drunk once, broke into the zoo and fucked a peacock, was just wondering if you were my son.”

***

Never hold your farts in! They travel up your spine and get into your brain.  That’s where shitty ideas come from.

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I Do

Wedding rings

I guess I could put this post under ‘Old Stuff ’.  The wife is 65, and I’ve had her for over 47 years but, discretion being the better part of waking up tomorrow without a pillow over my face, I’ll just recount the fateful day.

I was raised as a Christmas/Easter kind of Baptist.  Churches and religion meant little to me.  The wife was raised in a strict Catholic family, but like two older sisters before her, had started ‘questioning’, and soon also left “The Church.”

We had met at an Adult Education retraining course in February, and hit it off right away.  We were thinking of waiting till we both graduated and had jobs.  We spoke of waiting till Sept. 21 the following year – not only my birthday, but also her parents’ anniversary.

I got out, and got a job, and she would soon follow.  We saw no point in waiting.  I told my Mom that we planned to just go to City Hall, but she insisted that we both should have a day to remember.  We talked the Anglican minister in my home town into marrying us.  The guest list was only about 25 people.  All the ‘Good Catholics’ in her family boycotted, although the two ex-Catholic sisters and their husbands showed up.

We chose Dec. 2, 1967, as a mutually agreeable date.  My sister was living directly across the street from Mom and Dad, in the ex-Presbyterian Manse, which had a huge living room/drawing room combo.  She and Mom cooked like crazy, and that’s where the reception was held.

The wedding ceremony was held after the regular 11 AM service, once the minister shooed the parishioners home.  We had bought a wedding license at City Hall, but the church issued another one, so we are twice married.  Perhaps that’s why it’s lasted so long.

The brunch reception started around 1 PM.  We gave the camera to my brother to take a few pictures for posterity.  He quickly got loaded at the open bar.  He remembered to take the shots; it’s just that people have the tops of their heads cut off, or one arm.

Long before the internet, and without phoning ahead, I had hoped to get us to Niagara Falls for a bit of a honeymoon.  About four o’clock, Mom strongly suggested that we get underway.  A freezing rain storm had blown in off Lake Huron.

I checked the car over before we left.  There was some soap on the windows that was easily removed, but no tin cans dragging from strings at the back.  We took the highway south, out of town, and turned off onto the secondary road that headed easterly towards The Falls.  Within a mile we were sliding off the crown of the road on a half-inch of ice.

Do we continue slowly, hugging the gravel shoulder, or take a different route??!  I elected to turn around.  Just as we got back to the main highway, a sander/salter truck rolled past.  Follow Him!!!  He went 30 miles southwest, down the lakeshore, and then turned southeast.

At some point, we began to notice a smell, a definite aroma.  I stopped and raised the hood.  One or more of ‘my friends’ had jammed three small whitefish between the engine block and the exhaust manifold.  Heated up with 30 miles of driving, the hot exhaust was cooking the fish, and burning off the fish-oil.  I managed to remove them with very few burns, but the smell lingered with the car for a week or more.

All plans definitely out the window, the best we could hope for were roads not too icy to prevent us from at least getting back to Kitchener.  Such was not to be.  As the freezing rain abated, it changed to wet, slippery, clingy snow.  The Ontario Works truck ahead stopped seasoning the road, and put his plow blade down and pushed the accumulating white stuff back.

We followed him to the small town of Listowel, which was barely bigger than my stage-coach stop burg.  We hoped that he would continue on through, towards Kitchener, but, just at the outskirts of town, he pulled into his home base, apparently done for the day, or at least his shift.  Now where??!

The town of Listowel was known only for The Blue Barn Inn, a motel with a couple of dozen rooms, an in-house restaurant with food famous for miles, and an entertainment room where B-acts and wannabes played.  Could we get a room?  Since no-one else drove in over the ice, there were rooms to spare.

After settling in the room, we now wondered about supper.  What little we had eaten, was 7 hours ago.  I went downstairs to the dining room and asked if I could get something to take back to the room.  On Sunday nights there was no a la carte – service was only from a giant buffet.

The cooks had worked all day to prepare for the usual huge crowd, and the ice storm had prevented almost all of them from showing up.  When the host found out that we were newly-weds, stranded there, he asked for a couple of dollars, and told me to take as much food and drink as I could carry on a cafeteria tray.  We remembered the place with nostalgic fondness for years, but, about 30 years later, it burned to the ground.

Very little of the day was as we had hoped or planned, and none of it elegant or impressive like a Hawaiian location wedding/honeymoon. It was an adventure, where all eventually turned out well, and set a sort of pattern for the marriage.  If we could survive this, we could survive each other.  We’ve passed 47 years, and are heading for the Golden 50.

Even as a second marriage for my Mom, and a war-delayed first for my Dad, they celebrated their 60th anniversary just before they died.  While we increasingly complain about aches and pains, and various medical problems, I think we’re strong and healthy enough to reach that mark also!     😀

#467

Free Sex

A Dog Named “Sex”

Everybody who has a dog calls him something boring, like Rover or Fido.  I call my dog Sex

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.  When I went to City Hall to renew his licence, I told the clerk I would like to have a licence for Sex.  He said, “I’d like to have one too.”  Then I said, “But this is for a dog.”  He said he didn’t care what she looked like.  Then I said, “You don’t understand.  I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.”  He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.  I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for the wife and me, and a special room for Sex.  He told me that every room in the place was for sex.  I said, “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.”  The clerk replied, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but, before the competition began, the stupid dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there and looking around.  I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest.  He told me I should have sold my own tickets.  “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.”  He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight over custody of the dog.  I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.”  He said, “Me too.”  Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.  He said, “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking all over town for him.  A cop came up to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?”  I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Friday.

The Three Stages Of Sex In A Man’s Life

Tri-Weekly

Try Weekly

Try, Weakly

Three Kinds Of Sex

House Sex

When you’re newly married, and have sex all over the house, in every room.

Bedroom Sex

After you’ve been married for a while, you just have sex in the bedroom.

Hall Sex

After you’ve been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say “Fuck You.”

Thank you for coming reading this.  If you sex maniacs can get the topic off your minds, I’ll be back in a couple of days.