I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.
One day a preacher and a boy with his little red wagon were walking down the street when a wheel fell off of the wagon. Goddammit! The boy exclaimed.
Son don’t you dare use the lord’s name in vain! You say ‘God bless! instead, the preacher scolded
The next day they’re walking and two wheels fall off of the little red wagon. The boy caught himself after he said it – Ah goddammit….. Sorry!
The Preacher – Boy what’d I tell you?! You say God bless it when that happens and don’t let me hear you cuss like that again! ……Yes sir, said the boy.
Day three rolls around and three wheels pop off the wagon. God fricken dammit oh shi—SORRY SIR!
Boy this is the last time I’m gonna tell you to stop using the good lord’s name in vain! You say God bless it instead!!!
So the fourth day rolls around and all four wheels pop off of the wagon and the little boy paused for a moment – …….God bless it….
*All four wheels pop right back on the wagon*
The preacher – WHOA GAWD DAMN!
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year! and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?
The cop chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!
Three nuns were walking down the street each lost in introspective thought when a man wearing only a trench coat jumped out from behind a hedge and flashed the nuns. Well the first nun had a stroke! Then the second nun had a stroke as well. The third nun wouldn’t touch it.
The wife stormed into the pub last night, as the boys and I were downing shots of tequila.
“You’re coming home right now.” she yelled.
“No I’m not!” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
I told my wife I was going to pick up Beer and Pizza on my way home.
She probably regrets letting me name our sons.
I’m just going to put an Out Of Order sticker on my forehead, and call it a day.
There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank.
He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.
When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.
He went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor, I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.”
The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.
“Out of curiosity” the coastguard asked, “What did it taste like?”
The fisherman replied, ”Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”