Happy Birthday

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a
local parking spot, overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on.

Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat
reading a computer magazine and a young lady in
the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the
driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said,

‘Yes, Officer?’

‘What are you doing?’ the policeman asked.
‘What does it look like?’ answered the young man.
‘I’m reading this magazine.’

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat,
the officer then asked, ‘And what is she doing?’

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied,

‘I think she’s knitting a sweater.’

Confused, the officer asked, ‘How old are you,
young man?’

‘I’m nineteen,’ he replied.

‘And how old is she?’ asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,
‘Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be
eighteen.’

***

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen’s eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, ‘In my family we normally solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.’

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, ‘Now it’s my
turn to kick you.’

The Scotsman said, ‘Keep the damned egg.’

***

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s
office for his checkup.

Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and
said, “Unless you do the following things, your
husband will surely die.” The doctor then went
on to say, “Here’s what you need to do. Every
morning make sure you serve him a good healthy
breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch
so that you can serve him a well balanced meal.

Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each
evening and don’t overburden him with any
stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform
any household chores. Also, keep the house
spotless and clean so that he doesn’t get exposed
to any threatening germs.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what
the doctor said. She replied, “He said that
you’re going to die.”

Advertisements

Flash Fiction #22

unidentifiable-on-a-stick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Purrfect

Hi Mom.

I’m fine – a little sleepy and tired, but I’m fine.

Since Ricky turned three, he’s been really active. I need to keep a close eye on him.

The only time I get to do housework is when he’s asleep.

We got that rescue cat for him, that I told you about, from the pound.

It’s a grey and black male, almost a year old, very patient and loving with him, even when he treats it rough. – – –

Mom! Gotta go; I’ll call you back….

RICKY! It’s okay to pet the kitty – but not with your sucker!

 

 

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Sorry that I’m a little late this week – for those who noticed, or cared.  I’m planning a road trip, and we just celebrated four birthdays in one party.  🙂

 

Self Improvement Courses

Once again, the female staff will be offering courses for men of every marital status. Please note: the name of some of the courses have been changed. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is mandatory.

  1. Combating Stupidity
  2. You Can Do Housework Too
  3. PMS – Learning When To Keep your Mouth Shut
  4. How to Fill The Icecube Tray
  5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Xmas. Give Us Money!
  6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4 AM
  7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques – Formerly titled “Don’t Wash My Silks”
  8. Parenting – NO, It Doesn’t End With Conception
  9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook
  10. How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You’re Obviously Wrong
  11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
  12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
  13. You – The Weaker Sex
  14. Reasons To Give Flowers
  15. How To Stay Awake After Sex
  16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Washroom
  17. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb
  18.  #101 – You Can Fall Asleep Without It – If You Try

    #201 – The Morning Dilemma – I Don’t care If “It’s” Awake, I’m Not – Take A Shower

  19. I’ll Wear It If I Damn Well Please
  20. How To Put The Toilet Lid Down – Formerly Titled, “No, It’s Not A Bidet”
  21. The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
  22. Give Me A Break – Why We know Your Excuses Are Bullshit
  23. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
  24. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
  25. Romanticism – Other Ideas Besides Sex
  26. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
  27. Mothers-In-Law – They Are Human Too
  28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
  29. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
  30. Male Bonding – Leaving Your Friends At Home
  31. Honest, You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
  32. Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
  33. The Attainable Goal – Eliminating %$#@ From Your Vocabulary
  34. Fluffing The Covers After Farting is Not Necessary

Please register immediately, as courses are in great demand – as if there were any doubt.

**

Once upon a time, long, long ago and far, far away in the South Seas, there was a small island, ruled over by a great king. Also on the island lived a native who was very jealous of the great king, and his power and wealth. This man wanted very much to be the king and have all the wealth and power. He wished and wished and wished that he could be king, to no avail.

The king was young and strong and healthy, and even if he were to be killed accidentally, there were other members of the king’s family who would take over as ruler. One day though, this young man had a thought. Even if he couldn’t be the king, he could at least have the king’s throne.

So, one night, when it was very dark, he managed to break into the palace and stole the throne. He carried it home to his little grass shack on the beach, and very carefully concealed the throne high up on the rafters, under the roof.

The next day, the king’s men came around to search for the throne, but failed to find it hidden in the roof, and went away to look elsewhere. The young man stood at the front door of his hut, and watched them disappear down the beach.

As they went out of sight, he shouted exultantly, “I’ve done it! I’ve done it!” He stepped back into the hut and slammed the front door. Unfortunately, the vibration of the slamming door dislodged the throne from its hiding place, and it fell down and landed right on his head, killing him instantly.

The moral of this tale is, “People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.”

That’s Cool

A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird’s bad words embarrassed him very much.

As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, “That language must stop!” But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, “Don’t use those ugly words!” Again the bird cursed him.

Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator, the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man’s arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:

“I’ll be good; I promise… Those chickens in there… what did they say? ”

***

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an ‘A’ so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy … then they turned the page. On the second page was written…

For 95 points: Which tire?

***

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”.

“How do you know?” asked her father.

“She didn’t say anything.”

**

Confucius Say

Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, may get titbit.

Man who lays woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, both lead to undoing of fly.

Man and mouse alike, both wind up in pussy.

Man who sucks nipples, makes clean breast of things.

Woman who dies a virgin, sure to be laid in coffin.

Baby conceived in back set of car with automatic transmission, grows up to be shiftless bastard.

Man who lays girl on hill, not on the level.

Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine.

Girl who marries detective, must kiss dick.

Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.

Blonde girl has black hair by cracky.

Girl should not marry basketball player, he dribbles before he shoots.

He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot, not very sanitary.

Kotex not best thing in the world, but next to it.

Man who marries girl with no bust, have right to feel low-down.

Girl who rides bicycle, pedals ass all over town.

Man who pee in cash register, find it runs into money.