(One-)Liner Notes

Tired

I like a good long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex…….
…….It’s the quickest way to deflate her.

Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds….
…..poor bastard

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach….
….unless he’s a vegetarian, then you can get there through his vagina.

Why was the Pediatrician always losing his temper….
….he had little patients.

One time I forgot how to throw a boomerang….
….but then it came back to me.

What do you call a boring woman with athletes’ foot?….
….anti fun gal.

There’s a new sex position called ‘Delivery Man’….
….You stay in all day, and nobody comes.

How do Flat Earthers travel?….
….on a plane.

I have OCD, which seriously affects my sex life….
….every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again

This guy lost his entire left side….
….doctors say he’s alright now

I once got a hand-job from Albert Einstein….
….it was a stroke of genius

Vladimir Putin’s approval rating is 80%….
….the other 20% is missing

There are 10 different kinds of people in the world….
….those who understand binary humor, and those who don’t

How do you stay clean in space?….
….take a meteor shower

Of all my friends….
….I am the most competitive

My wife is always stealing my T-shirts and sweaters….
….but if I take one of her dresses, “We need to talk”

What’s positive about rape?….
….HIV

How did the captain survive the sinking of his ship?….
….He kept a log in his cabin.

What so you call a man with a shovel in his hand?….
….Doug

He digs, she digs, it digs, we dig, you dig, they dig….
….It may not be a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

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2017 Books Read

That title is a calendar reference, not mathematical. I did not read two thousand and seventeen books – I’ve probably read twice that many in my lifetime – just not all last year.

With the daughter’s power wheel chair missing, the wife’s two knee replacement surgeries, more visits to more doctors, and the discovery of yet another crossword puzzle site, my book reading fell off significantly. From 51 books in last year’s post, I was down to about 25 in 2017.

I also reread a few old sci-fi books that I didn’t count, and a few on the list are 700/800 page – one even 1200 page – super-books, the equivalent of 2 or 3 books each. Here’s what occupied some of my time

Charles E. Gannon -Commander Cantrell In The West Indies

1636 Commander Cantrell in the West Indies

Another in the ‘1632’ series about a modern Tennessee town transported back in time, and how the inhabitants struggle to survive, both politically and literally.  Sadly, it’s all alternate history, and no real action, just a reason to sell another 800-page blah book.

Mark Greany – The Grey Man – On TargetOn Target

The Gray Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of the ghost writers for the now-deceased Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan Jr. series, this author has one of his own action series about an ex-CIA assassin, forced to go independent.

Tom Clancy’s – Full Force And Effect – On Target

Full Force And EffectUnder Fire

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom Clancy’s name is the one that still attracts readers, but Mark Greaney and Grant Blackwood are two of 3 or 4 contract writers who pump them out.

Lee Child – Night School

Night School

After four years, I’m caught up.  It has been a most enjoyable series.  There will be one more Jack Reacher book this year, one more Dan Brown novel, and one more Ilona Andrews ‘Magic’ book in 2018.

Ilona Andrews – Magic Binds

Magic Binds

I got out of ‘Magic’ Sci-Fi about 30 years ago, but this series has lots of diverse character and plot development, thought and planning, and action.

Steve Perry – Patriot Threat

The Patriot Threat

A Dan Brown type of author, with a wide range of plot ideas, very enjoyable, but with just not quite the same OOMPH.

James Rollins – Blood Line – The Eye Of God

Blood Line

The Eye Of God

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like Steve Perry, above, a good, solid action/adventure author.

Clive Cussler – Plague Ship

Plague Ship

While not dead, like Clancy, Cussler is old enough that he is co-writing with his son Dirk, and a couple of other commercial writers, as well as establishing the story arc and parameters, and letting them loose.

Will Adams – The Lost Labyrinth

The Lost Labyrinth

A fresh young writer who isn’t likely to die before I do.  His books (so far) are about action and intrigue around Middle Eastern archeological sites.

E.E. (Doc) Smith – Subspace Encounter

Subspace Encounter

A re-read that I downloaded a cover for.  I also re-read his ‘Skylark’ series, The Skylark of Space, Skylark Three, Skylark of Valeron, and Skylark Duquesne.  This year I hope to re-read all 12 of his ‘Family D’Alembert’ series.  While not as prolific as Isaac Asimov, Doc still pumped out almost 50 novels in four different series.

E.C. Tubb – Earth Is Heaven – Melome – Angado – Symbol Of Terra

Earth Is HeavenMelome

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AngadoSymbol of Terra

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I lost this series about 20 years ago, after reading the first 26 episodes.  I recently thought of it again, and found that there were seven more available on Kindle.  The original author wrote to number 31 before he died.  He left notes for novel number 32, which his estate hired another commercial writer to assemble.  The story arc almost got the hero home to Earth, so he wrote a happily-ever-after finale to this epic tale.  I read four of them in 2017, and plan to finish the other three this year.

James S. A. Corey – Leviathan Wakes

Leviathan Wakes

Recommended by BrainRants, this is the first of five books, being made into a television series on SYFY, which I can’t get here in Canada.  The hero ‘acquires’ a slightly outdated destroyer spaceship, and renames it Rocinante, after Don Quixote’s horse, establishing the whole ’tilting at windmills’ flavor of the story.

Robert Asprin/Linda Evans – Tales Of The Time Scouts II

Tales of the Time Scouts II

Another adventure into the paradoxes of time travel.  This is actually 800 pages of two related stories in one (large) book.

Thomas Cathcart/Daniel Klein – Plato And A Platypus Walk Into A Bar

Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar

Another recommended book, although, with apologies, I can’t remember the nice gentleman’s name.  (Stand up Sign in and take a bow.)  This one explores the philosophy and psychology of jokes and humor.  I can’t find its companion, ‘Aristotle And An Aardvark Go To Washington’ in Canada.  I’ll wait till the next time we order something from Amazon, and add it to the order to get free shipping.

Well, that’s (more than) enough about me.  Besides my output, what did you read last year??

’17 A To Z Challenge – U

Challenge2017

letter-u

UH!!?? Was I supposed to have a post for the letter U ready to publish last Monday?

I was a little uneasy, sitting here in my underwear, with the understanding that it didn’t need to be finished till today, so I published an out-of-order comedy post.  Oh well, there’s never too much fun and good humor.  Maybe it was my T post, about being under so many things.  Maybe it was just my usual procrastination or preoccupation.

That’s it guys. I only stole downloaded 4 or 5 prompt words beginning with U, and they’re all used, above.  I’d like to claim that my Greek literary muse, Erato, did a hit-and-run, but it wasn’t even a little parking lot sideswipe. She, and her American cousin, Inspiration, pranced off, and are probably drinking Mimosas together in some dive Miami bar, while I sit here, being outwitted by a keyboard.

I guess the only thing to do, is what I did last year for the letter T.  I’ll make this an audience participation post, and ask my gracious readers to supply one or more themes/words that begin with U.  I will not be ungrateful.  I could even do a post about ugly, although it would have to refer to someone other than me.

Whadya say folks? Wanna get in on this ‘Help The Old Coot’ contest?  The cost of a ticket (which we don’t issue) is one thin word.  You’ve had words about for me before.  You can do it – politely – again.   😉

You’re Pulling My Leg….Off

Pirate

A man is walking down by the docks, and sees an old man standing at the end of the pier with an eye-patch, peg-leg, and a hook for a hand. He figures this guy’s got some good stories, so he wanders over and asks the man, “Excuse me, but do you mind my asking where you got your peg-leg?”
“Arr, ’tis a good story, matey. I was climbin’ up the rigging, and a rogue wave came along and smashed into the boat. I lost me footing and fell in the water, when a shark came along and bit off me leg.”
“Wow, that’s terrifying! What about your hook?”
“Arr, ’tis a good story, matey. We were sailin’ along when we were boarded by a band of marauders! I got in a sword fight with one of ’em and he cut off me hand, so I had a hook put on.”
“Jeez, that’s horrible! Alright, how about the eye-patch?”
“Arr, ’tis a good story, matey. I was out on the deck one day, with clear blue skies all around. I looked up in the sky, and a seagull came along and he pooped in me eye!”
“So, you lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?”
“Well, ’twas the first day I had me hook.”

=====*=====

Man goes to the library and approaches the front desk. He asks the librarian: “I was wondering if you had the book I ordered? It’s for men with small penises.”

She replies: “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”

He says: “Yeah, that’s the one.”

=====*=====

If trees screamed, would we be so willing to cut them down?
Maybe, if they screamed all the time.

=====*=====

A man walks into the street and hails a passing taxi. “Perfect timing,” he tells the driver. “You’re just like Frank.”
”Who?” asks the cabbie.
“Frank Fielding. He did everything right. Great tennis player, wonderful golfer, sang like Pavarotti.”
“Sounds like quite a guy.”
“Not only that, he remembered everyone’s birthday, was a wine connoisseur, and could fix anything. And his wardrobe – immaculate! He was the perfect man. No one could measure up to Frank.”
“Amazing. How’d you meet him?”
“Oh, I never met Frank.”
“How do you know so much about him?”
“I married his widow.”

 

Little Old Lady From Pasadena

WomanDrivingKnittingS

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

=====*=====

A man called the hotel manager. He said “Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!”
The manager replied “Sir this is a personal matter and we can’t get involved. I can call sec…”
The man interrupted “No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won’t open!”.

=====*=====

People have to stop putting flyers on my car.  I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse.”

=====*====

Society is just full of double standards.

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is “sweet” and “beautiful”

But when I do it, people say that I’m “drunk” and “no longer welcome at the aquarium”.

=====*=====

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everybody in my address book.  Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

=====*=====

I prefer not to call my toilet the John. I call it the Jim instead.  It sounds better to say I hit the Jim first thing in the morning.

***

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

***

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

***

A man rushes into his house and yells to his
wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won
the California lottery!’

Martha replies, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather
or cold?’

The man responds, ‘I don’t care. Just so long as
you’re out of the house by noon!’

***

Why did you leave your last job?
It was because of something my boss said.
What did he say?
You’re fired!

***

The Twenty And The One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church.”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

***

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

Homer Simpson

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. I said, ‘May I have large bills, please?’ She looked at me and said, ‘I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.’ When I got up off the floor I explained it to her…

  ***

IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’

His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side. ‘

***

IDIOT SIGHTING We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large enough’ motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’

We haven’t used Sears repair since.

***

IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’

I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, ‘We’re sorry, but we can’t do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

***

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. In Kansas City.

***

IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

***

IDIOT SIGHTING The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.

***

IDIOT SIGHTING At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

  ***

IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

***

A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!  Happy Holidays.   😀

They’re (One-)Lining Up

Comedy

I told my psychiatrist that I keep hearing voices in my head and creating imaginary people….
….He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

***

My mom said “you treat this place like a hotel”………
……..she will regret that when I give her a low score on Trip Advisor for ‘rude staff’.

***

The book that I wrote about poltergeists….
….is flying off the shelves

***

The only thing that Flat Earthers fear….
….is sphere itself

***

I was arrested last week for stealing helium balloons……
…..the police held me for a while and then let me go.

***

My pet rock is not doing well today….
….I think it is stoned

***

I’ve been searching for my stolen bed…….
………I won’t rest until I find it.

***

My ex girlfriend just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline…..
……She hit the roof.

***

My girlfriend had her driving test the other day. She got 8 out of 10……….
……the other 2 guys jumped clear.

***

My optician told me today that I’m color blind…….
……..that came right out of the orange!

***

I’m hoping to find a cure for my hiccups…..
……but I’m not holding my breath.

***

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer……..
……..dunno what he’s laced them with,
………but I’ve been trippin’ all day.

***

I just bought a book called, “How To Avoid Being Ripped Off.”….
….best $100 I ever spent.

***

Someone just told me to stop acting like a flamingo………
……..so I had to put my foot down.

***

I turned to drink when my girlfriend left me….
….I like to celebrate in style

***

My doctor told me that jogging can add years to my life…….
……he’s right; I feel 10 years older already.

***

Breaking News….
….Ne ws

***

Just saw an ad that read, “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full high.” I thought to myself….
….I can’t turn that down

***

Scientists have recently discovered a gene that causes shyness…….
……they found it hiding behind two other genes.

***

My friend told me that he’s been constipated for two years….
….I think he’s full of shit.

***

I once dumped a cross-eyed chick….
….I thought she was seeing someone else.

***

My doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him….
….The judge gave me twenty years.

***

My friend sent me an empty email….
….His message was clear….