The Ghost Of One-Liners Past

Jellyfish are just….
….wet ghosts.

Of all the things I’ve lost….
….I miss my metabolism the most.

Home is where dog hair sticks….
….to everything but the dog.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists….
….do not play dead.

I do all my own stunts….
….but never intentionally.

I am a leader, not a follower….
….unless it’s dark, then you’re going first.

I’m staying home today….
….I have mood poisoning.

Procrastinators unite!….

Bad decisions….
….make good stories.

Life is like a box….
….of terrible analogies.

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but….
….my alarm keeps trying to break us up.

Why aren’t I-Phone chargers….
….called Apple juice?

I love sleep….
….It’s like a time machine to breakfast.

I learn from the mistakes of others….
….who take my advice.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic….
….but when I drink Fanta, no-one says I’m fantastic.

I had a life….
….but my job ate it.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel….
….go out and buy more tunnel.

Three symptoms of laziness….
….No.  1

Know how to get a sweet, little old lady to say, “FUCK!!” ?….
….Have another sweet, little old lady say, ‘Bingo!’ first.

Don’t worry what people think….
….They don’t do it very often.

The wife and I had a couple of ’Adult Beverages’ last night….
….Metamucil and Ensure.

Pre means before. Post means after. To use them both together….
….would be preposterous.

I’m entering The World’s Tightest Hat contest….
….I just hope I can pull it off.

Elementary School Comedy

The children were lined up for lunch at the cafeteria of a Catholic Elementary school.  At the head of the line was a big pile of apples.  A nun wrote a note that said, “Take only one.  God is watching.”

At the end of the table was a tray of cookies.  A young student made a note that said, “Take all you want.  God is keeping an eye on the apples.”


Most people don’t know this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food, without telling everyone around you.


Police in Utah released video of an incident where a 4-year-old fired a single shot at them following an altercation involving the child’s father at a McDonald’s drive-thru. The restaurant manager said his Utah location had mistakenly received Happy Meal toys intended for Texas.


Three doctors were playing golf. The heartless cardiologist led the gutless gastroenterologist by 3 strokes. The dermatologist didn’t care because he had no skin in the game.


Funny, In Spite Of Everything
A farmer was standing by a fence along his property. Suddenly God appeared before him. God said “George, you have been a good man during your life. As a reward, I’m going to grant you one wish. But you must know that I will grant the same wish to your neighbor.” The farmer thought about it for a moment and said “kill my cow.”


A blonde complained to her friend, “It was terrible at the movies last night! I had to change seats five times.” “Why? Did some guy bother you?” “Yeah. Eventually.”

When my kids text me “plz” because it’s shorter than “please,” I text back “no” because it’s shorter than “yes!”

Joe answered the knock on the door. Some kids in costumes said, “Give us candy or we’ll bad mouth you on social media!” Joe was taken aback. “Huh?” he said. The kids concluded, “Sorry, man, it’s trick or tweet!”

My new blonde girlfriend got all angry on me last night when she saw my phone. “Who in the hell is this Amber Alert?!”

I purchased a Senior’s GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get there, but why I wanted to go there in the first place.


Fibbing Friday Royale

Last week’s Fibbing Friday from Pensitivity101 was based on a fictitious major event to which you, the reader, were invited. Below are 10 questions to lie about: Give them your best shot!

  1. What would you do if you found yourself seated next to a disgraced member of the family?

So, they caught up with you too??!  I’ve got a friend who knows how to disable CCTV cameras, but she wants a few bucks.  Wanna go halfsies?

2.  How would you react if you were subjected to ‘Hatgate’? That is someone with a monstrous hat being seated in front of you.

I would begin by quietly informing her that the Red Hat Society meeting was in the adjacent hall.  If that wasn’t successful I would stand up to take photos – six or eight times – ‘accidently’   knocking her millinery masterpiece on the floor.  I might even try to assist her putting it back on, and skewer Meh-Damn’s Madame’s ear with a hatpin.  It’s too bad that smoking in public has been banned.  I Someone might burn her hat and her hair-sprayed coiffure to the ground.

3.  Photographs are not allowed, but you have a plan to take pictures………. what is it?

An Etch-A-Sketch – with a pinhole camera in the back.

4.  The person on your left has fallen asleep. How would you wake them discreetly?

Wake them??!  Hell, I’d use their shoulder as a pillow.  If anything resembling ‘exciting’ occurs, I’m sure they’ll notify me – might even make a new friend.

5.  The grand entrance occurs and something is not quite right from your point of view. What is it?

The guest of honour, and all support staff, appear to think that I should give a damn.  I had six or seven gin and tonic antidotes to that at the local, before I arrived.

6.  After the service, it’s time for the buffet. Not quite sure where you’re supposed to go, what do you do?

Me??  Not know where the food is??  Shirley surely you jest, and stop calling me Shirley.  Follow my nose – or just follow the rest of the ravening horde.

7.  Making small talk over the canapés is awkward. What do you do to make it less so?

Make LARGE talk!  Wave my arms – one of which has a full drink.  Declaim loudly, and at great length, about what a genius Shakespeare was, and how he must have been a time-traveler, because the psycho-socio-political plot of Hamlet so closely matches the reign of Emperor term of President Trump – until there’s no-one left near the rumaki.  I love those little fellows.

8.  Time for the Speeches and they seem to go on for hours. What do you do to keep awake?

Count the number of times each speaker uses a phrase like, lay in wait, instead of ‘lie,’  or, I could care less.  The loser winner would receive a free, elementary-school English textbook.  There should be lots available.  Obviously they’re not using them in the schools.

9.  You are suddenly asked to say a few words at the podium. How do you react?

The solution is in the challenge.  Being a man of few words – I’ve said them.  Is the bar open?

10.  It has been a tiring experience and you catch 40 winks in a quiet corner. When you wake up, the venue is in darkness. What do you do?

Use my Smart phone to download such songs as Goodnight Irene, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Sleepwalk, Sweet Dreams, Talkin’ In Your Sleep, and the Everly Brothers’, Wake Up Little Suzie, to pass the time till the janitor comes in to open back up again in the morning.  I wouldn’t call the wife, though.  I want her to think that I’m having a good time at a bar, or picking up women.

Alcoholic One-Liners

Scientists studied the effect on alcohol on walking….
….The results were staggering.

Why is ‘abbreviated’….
….such a long word?

I still have a full deck….
….I just shuffle slower.

If the world’s human population held hands around the equator….
….a significant portion of them would drown.

Wal-Mart is giving out free school supplies….
….to anyone who can outrun Security.

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar….
….and doesn’t.

Pavlov is having a beer at the pub when his phone rings….
….He jumps up and yells, “Shit!  I forgot to feed the dog.”

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

To tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber….
….ask them to pronounce ‘unionized.

Gravity is a myth….
….The Earth sucks.

Change is hard….
….Just try to bend a coin, you’ll see.

A man walks into a bar….
….and is disqualified at the limbo contest.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins….
….so I drink several.

A day without beer is like….
….Just kidding.  I wouldn’t know.

How come 8 glasses of water a day is almost impossible….
….but 8 beers seems so easy?

People in Dubai don’t understand The Flintstones….
….but people in Abu Dhabi do.

I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo….
….Now I feel like such a good boy.

I believed that I could….
….but the cat was asleep on my lap, so I didn’t.

If 2022 was a drink….
….it would be a colonoscopy prep.

I told my suitcases, No vacation this year….
….now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Running feels great….
….unless you compare it to not running.

I don’t think it’s fair that only roosters….
….are allowed to start the day screaming.

If you love someone….
….let them nap.

If a black cat crosses your path….
….he probably has some important cat stuff to do.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song….
….but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Gettin’ Physical Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 went all geeky on us, and asked some deep, technological questions, to which I have shallow, silly answers, that may have some vague relation to truth and reality.

What came before the big bang?

A teen-aged, trans-dimensional entity, clumping around the meta-verse in its size 13 sneakers.

What did Galileo drop off the tower of Pisa?

The large pizza that the Uber-Eats delivery guy had to schlep all the way to the top.  While a shame, he didn’t feel that it was that much of a loss, because it had Genoa salami, instead of hot Pisan sausage.

Is a Cartesian bear similar to a polar bear?

It depends on how you observe it.  From the shaded side, it does indeed look much like a Polar bear.  From the sunward side, it more resembles a casserole of lasagna.

What did Newton say when the apple landed on his head?

#$%@&*%#!!!  Oh – after that??!  That does it!  No more Mister Nice Guy!  I’m going to invent calculus to see if I can bend gravity, so that the next one misses me.

Why did Columbus think the world was round?

Because he kept getting calls from India and Pakistan, offering to have the ducts on the Pinta, the Nina, and the Santa Maria cleaned.

What was Heisenberg uncertain about?

The whole LGBTQ2+ thing, and why so many good Christians, instead of worrying about their own sexuality, are so concerned about other people’s.  Eskimos rub noses to express love.  Too many Christians love to stick their nose in where it doesn’t belong.

What was the name of Schrödinger’s cat?

Iffy, until it died…. or did it??   🙄

When a photo finish decides the winner of a race, did they change the outcome by measuring it?

Not really!  It enlarged the noses of both front-running horses by the same amount.

What is the God particle used for?

A source of irony when Christian Apologists try to use it to define their pet deity into existence.

Is the theory of everything all you need to know?

In theory – YES.  But there will always be another irritating, smart-ass know-it-all, ready to bend your ear about some fool topic.  🙄

Loose Change Fibbing Friday

There was a little change of pace this/last week.  Below are ten scenarios and Pensitivity101 would like you to make up excuses/fibs for not complying or owning up either as kids or adults.

  1. Meeting the prospective in-laws for the first time.

My in-laws had the good sense and taste to both die before I even met my future wife.  It saved me the trouble of later having to water the grass around their grave-stones.  My fine friend asked me to pour a pint of good Scotch whiskey on his grave after he passes.  I asked him if he minded if I strained it through my kidneys first.

2.  Going to your partner’s firm’s social evening where you know it will be talking shop all night.

Honey, you know how impressed I am with insurance actuarial tables, but Elon Musk called, and he wants to discuss my expertise in designing high-power Maguffium batteries. He’s going to let me watch the SpaceX rocket launch, and help him name his next kid.  You just go and have fun, and I’ll bring you back a Tesla.

3.  Not going to school on a test day.

Win, lose, or draw, you would have to be a complete fool to do this – as I know, from sad, personal experience.  One year in high school, there were exams scheduled every morning, and every afternoon for a week, depending on what courses you took.  I blithely showed up on Tuesday afternoon for a French test, only to find that it was Greek History.  French had been that morning.

I explained my problem to the French teacher.  He promised to put me in a supervised study hall to take it, if I would swear that I had talked to no-one about it, or been given any of the questions.  I passed the exam, but the dismal mark I got proved that I didn’t cheat.

4.  Broken a window whilst playing outside

I once kicked a soccer-ball real hard, and broke a lady’s window.  She was yelling at me, and saying that she was going to go to my parents.  I told her that my dad was a glazier, and he would come and fix her window if she let me go get him.  Soon, a man showed up and fixed it.  Then he said, “That’ll be $10.”  She protested.  “Aren’t you that boy’s father?”
“No!  Aren’t you his mother?”

5.  Having gone shopping, spent all the money, but not bought anything on the list.

Shopping list??!  This isn’t our shopping list!  This is our neighbor Bob’s shopping list.  He probably put it in my pocket as a joke.  You remember about a month ago, when he tricked me into going to the bar with him and getting really, REALLY wasted – and he peed my pants, too.

6.  Damaged the car

I was just trying to pull into our driveway, when a tree we don’t have jumped out right in front of me.

7.  Late for work

Sorry Boss, I’m still on standard time.  I haven’t switched to Daylight time.
Smithers, It’s the end of April.
I know, boss, but the battery in my calendar needs to be replaced

8.  Forgotten to do your homework

I never ‘Forgot’ to do my homework – ignored it maybe, but never forgot it.  The only thing that elementary and high schools teach, is how to memorize and regurgitate.  With my innate neurological memory problem, I soon found that homework was little help.  I understood principles, but found rereading, and rereading, and rereading the texts and my notes finally cemented the memories.
We had trouble
right there in River City
with a capital T,
and that rhymed with P,
and that stood for Pool
That left me time to do most of my studying of physics – reflection, refraction, colours of the spectrum – at the local pool hall.  😳

9.  Insurance claim for damage to property

No Sir!  The pizza was stuck to the ceiling when we moved in.
Nah.  That won’t work.
Everybody else jumped off the roof, so I did too.
No, that’s not even related.  I might as well try the truth for a change.
We had a strong little storm cell come through.  It generated a small tornado, and golf-ball-sized hail stones that made my car look like J. Arthur Rank’s giant gong.

10. Ruined an expensive piece of clothing.

The wife saved, and saved, and saved to buy this pricey little gown for the likes of company Christmas parties – and then managed to get salad oil on it.  Dry-cleaning isn’t dry.  They use liquid solvents to lift the stains.

I had a bit of petrol for the mower.  I drizzled a bit on, worked it in well, and blotted it up with paper towel.  I took ‘Before’ and ‘After’ photos with my cell phone.  The ‘after’ shot apparently generated a static spark, and I learned three things.
It’s a good thing that she wasn’t wearing it at the time.
My left eyebrow will probably grow back in six months – and
The phone will remain turned off, and in the car, when I fuel up.

A Lot Of Comedy

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.  A man leans over to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead.” The woman replies.
The man stands, says the word ‘Plethora,’ and sits down.
“Thanks.” the woman says, “That means a lot.”


I told my wife that I thought I’d taken too many sleeping pills.  She told me to have a few drinks, get some sleep, and not worry about it.


A woman is taking a shower.  There is a knock on the door.  “Who is it?”  “Blind man!”  So she opens the door.  “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”


I went to the track.  The horse I bet on was so slow that the jockey kept a diary of the trip.  The horse was so late getting home, that he tiptoed into the stable.


I was walking with my girlfriend, when some random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass!”  She was clearly annoyed, and demanded that I say something.  I turned around and said, “Thanx, I’ve been doing squats.”



“This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.” ~Will Rogers


The little girl came home from kindergarten, and excitedly told her mother, “Mom, we’ve got a Three-D printer at school.”
Her Mother said, “That’s nice.  What are you guys going to print?”
The daughter looked at her incredulously, and replied, “Three D’s”


A man and a boy are sitting on a couch.  The boy says, “Well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.”


A woman’s husband didn’t come home one night. The wife asks him where the hell he’d been. He says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive and to sleep at the mate’s place.

She thinks he’s been unfaithful to her, so rings ten of his best friends.
Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.


Dancing Around Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 was inviting us to provide alternative artists (real or fictitious) for these song titles:

  1. Stop in the name of Love

Some Biblical guy named Onán
No glove – No love
Spill your seed upon the ground

2. You can call me Al

Al Bundy did it first, but he just didn’t have the voice, so he went on to become the world’s greatest shoe salesman.

  1. Till you come back to me

Yo-Yo Squash and the Rebounds

  1. I just wanna dance with somebody

This song was made famous by Billy Idol just before closing time, at many a karaoke bar.  He said that he asked The World to dance, but, “I’m dancin’ with myself.”  It gives you a thumbnail sketch of his personality.  Sine-Aid Sinéad O’Connor told him that, Nothing compares to you – favourably.”

  1. Won’t somebody dance with me?

Were you doing shots with Billy Idol??!  I just answered this, above.  Could I hear the refrain from asking again?

  1. Two out of three ain’t bad

That’s the new campaign theme song for ex-President (and we hope he stays that way) Donald Trump, ever since an aide told him that there were 34 felony charges against him, but he’d only been convicted of 22.  He also explained to Trump how to figure out how many two out of three were.  The Donald told him that he didn’t need to, because the marks he got back in maths class were “HUGE!”

7. Ghost riders in the sky

As a supplement to Up and Away, Into the Wild Blue Yonder, this has been adopted and sung by the USAF Stealth Plane Squadron.  Can’t see us – can’t hit us.  With their planes’ strange angles and radar non-reflective coating, from the ground they have the perceivability of a robin.  Nothin’ to see here, just us clouds.

  1. Ticket to Ride

This is the new fight song for the Underground Transit Authority Constable Squad.  Determined to combat the plague of Chavs and other louts jumping turnstiles, they go where and when it most often happens, and lie in wait, concealed behind kiosks and pillars.  When it occurs, they leap out and put the arm on the culprit.

Oy.  ‘Alf a mo, chum.  ‘Ere’s a citation for criminal trespass, and theft of services.  It earns you no-charge transportation to the local nick, where you can explain your anti-social activities to a judge in the morning.  Like The Edgar Winter Group says, that’s your Free Ride.

9. Totally devoted to you

Melania Trump, serial monogamist Donald Trump’s third (?) wife.  She wanted to change the title a bit to, Totally devoted to your bank account, and my lifestyle.  The hit on the B-side was, It’s Not Rape Until the Cheque Bounces, and includes the lyrics, We know what you are.  We’re just negotiating the price.  😳

10. Me and You and a Dog named Boo

A duo of the English teacher, and the Maths teacher at my high school.  They wanted to title it, You and I, and a Dog Named Pi.

Ditty Bag Of Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 had another very mixed bag last week.  To tell the truth, a Ditty Bag is a small sack in which you can carry I-Pods, Ear-Pods, and your Smart Phone and/or tablet, laden with your play list.

  1. What is clematis?

Isn’t that the thing that most women claim that most men can’t find??  O?  No!

2.  What is meant by linear?
That’s what the wife claims happens to any of her whiny complaints helpful comments.  Linear, and out the other.

  1. What is a gonk?

It’s evidence for Christian Fundamentalists who don’t believe in evolution.  In a mere 60 years time, a lame, fuzzy, British toy developed into Minions.

  1. What is a sirloin?

He was the Scottish knight at Camelot – Sir Loin of Beef – the second most famous, after Sit Gadalot Galapagos Gallivant Galahad.  He and his squire did not ride horses.  They saddled up on Highland bulls.

  1. What is pumpernickel?

Now that COVID is dying back, instead of Canadian citizens, it is a renewed campaign from Tourism Canada to urge people to travel to Sudbury, in Northern Ontario, to view “The Big Nickel” outside the largest nickel mine in the world.

  1. What is canasta?

It’s the contents of a tin of snails.  Oh, let’s give it a fancy French name – Escargot – and pretend that it’s somehow gourmet food.  Do you have to be as arrogant and irritating as a Frenchman to eat these things, or does eating these nasty slugs that ought to be stepped on in the garden, make one arrogant and irritating??  Je ne sais pas!

  1. What is a Duchess Cake?

It’s one of those blue deodorizer puck things that they put in the urinals, over at Will and Kate’s place.

  1. What is density?

That’s what I did the day of the Super Bowl.  I went into the family room and plunked my ass down in my recliner, with a case of beer below one arm, and a Costco-sized bag of Salt and Vinegar crisps by the other, and didn’t stir for four and a half hours – except to hit the WC during half-time.

  1. Where will you find Agnes, Margo and Edith?

I recently found them at my front door.  They were three well-mannered Girl Scouts who politely asked me to purchase some of their cookies.  I was so startled that I bought an entire case, because I didn’t know that children that young were allowed to carry firearms.

  1. What is a spatula?

It’s the mutual conversation exercise program that the wife and I indulge in, any given Saturday night when I’ve opened a box of beer, and she’s had 6 or 7 medicinal toddies, and the bon mots flow.  One night, she surprised me when she said, “I love you, and I couldn’t do without you.”  I asked if that was her or the wine talking.  She replied that it was her – talking to the wine.  😳

Blue Sky One-Liners

Some people are like clouds….
….When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.

Some people try to turn back their odometers….
….Not me!  I want people to know why I look this way.

More wine….
….Less whine.

Cows eat grass….
….Therefore a steak is plant-based meat.

Hamburger helper only works….
….if the hamburger is willing to admit it needs help.

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano….
….For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

I live for two reasons….
….1 I was born.  2 I ain’t dead yet.

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table….
….I needed a running start, but I made it.

I tried to Google “Directionally challenged”….
….but I couldn’t find it.

Some say ‘Life Is Short’….
….but I’ve been alive for as long as I can remember.

More than four cups of coffee….
….and you can talk to electricity.

Sprinters don’t eat anything before a race….
….They fast.

How to twerk….
….Step 1: Reconsider

I’m unsure which way to turn….
….to get treatment for my dyslexia.

I named my dog ‘Ten Miles’….
….so that I can tell people I walk ten miles every day.

I used to live hand to mouth….
….but cutlery changed my life.

I can’t even be bothered….
….to be apathetic these days.

Don’t give up your dreams….
….Keep sleeping.

If you think adventure is dangerous….
….try routine; it’s lethal.

Laughter is the best medicine….
….unless you have diarrhea.

My wallet is like an onion….
….when I open it, it makes me cry.

Relish today….
….Ketchup tomorrow.

If you’re not good at haggling….
….you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so that everyone’s clear….
….I’m going to put on my glasses

Writing my name in cursive….
….is my signature move.