A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
“I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said,
“God, I wish I had your willpower.”
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
The second horse’s tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail.
Our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, our blonde friend couldn’t tell the two horses apart.
The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height.
When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a
train, after the initial embarrassment they both
go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on
In the middle of the night the woman leans over
and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully
cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket.”
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye,
says, “I’ve got a better idea … let’s pretend we’re married”
“Why not”, giggles the woman.
“Good”, he replies, “Get your own fucking
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what we are trying to change it into.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
I asked my friend why he walked away from his last job.
He said the pay was so poor that he couldn’t afford a car