Call Screening One-Liners

Can I call you back….
….in a few beers?

There are two ingredients in trail mix….
….M&Ms – and disappointment.

I’m getting WAYYY too comfortable….
….looking this ugly all the time.

Follows diet.  Diet doesn’t follow back….
….Unfollow diet.

Vegans, if you’re trying to save the animals….
….stop eating their food.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but….
….if it runs out, I’ll drink the red.

Your debt will stay with you….
….if you can’t budge it.

My new stair-lift….
….is driving me up the wall.

I prefer my kale….
….with a silent K.

If the world didn’t suck….
….we’d all fall off.

He who laughs last….
….didn’t get it.

Forklift operators hate my puns….
….They find them unpalletable.

Procrastination is a dish….
….served eventually

When I get a headache, I take two aspirins….
….and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

Your call is important to us….
….so here’s a 40 minute flute solo

I heard the word “icy” is easy to spell….
….Looking at it now, I see why.

I just can’t handle….
….automatic doors.

I once worked in a cheap pizza joint to get by….
….I kneaded the dough.

If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed….
….If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Why don’t you ever see the headline….
….Psychic wins lottery?

Reading can seriously damage….
….your ignorance.

Socialized Humor

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. “Help me, I’ve been mugged and viciously beaten” he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: “You know the person that did this really needs help.”

***

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn’t receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: “Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office.”

***

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.”

***

A classic is a book that everyone wants to have read, but nobody wants to read.

***

Hamish Farquarson the 3rd of Old Lothian died and left his wife £50,000 with the instructions

‘’Spend it on a lavish funeral and a memorial stone’’

At the wake the wife’s sister asked how much of the money she had spent.

‘’All of it’’ replied the wife…’’Just like he instructed, ’£10k on the funeral and wake and £40k on the memorial stone’’

‘’Blimey’’ replied the wife’s sister….’’£40k – how big is it’’?

‘’Oooh, about 7.5 carats’’ replied the wife

***

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many per day?
Man: Three.
Woman: How much do you pay for the beer?
Man: About $5 each, including tip.
Woman: How long have you been drinking?
Man: About twenty years.
Woman: Three beers a day equates to $450 per month, or $5400 per year.  In twenty years, that totals $108,000.
Man: Sounds about right.
Woman: Do you know that if you had put that money in a bank account, after interest, you would have had enough to buy an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your fucking airplane?

🙄

Occupied On Fibbing Friday

Christine, of Stine Writing, threw Pensitivity101 a curve ball in the comments on this post about occupations, so she decided to go with that for the final FF of 2022.

My alternatives on these are!

  1. What is a dentist?

He’s a husband/boyfriend who’s been exiled to sleep on the couch in the rec-room/family room, and usually has no idea what he said or did to rate the sentence – but is happy to enjoy a day or two of delicious silence.

2. What is a paralegal?

It’s a husband and wife law firm, where they argue about how to best split the fees, not only for bragging rights, but for maximum tax avoidance.

3. What is a Nanny?

That’s my Grandma – and she’ll have no nonsense from you.  Sit down quiet and eat your oatmeal porridge.  There’s sheep to shear, and tartans to be wove.

4. What is an auditor?

Male or female, they are the long-suffering clerks who, in short shifts, man the Returns Counter at Marks and Sparks, the week after Christmas.  They’ve heard it all before, and believe none of it.  “No ma’am, you may not return that (horrid) jumper without a sales receipt.  Even if we allowed it, you may only get an exchange, not a cash refund.  And besides, you cow, your generous gift-giver got it at Value Village.

5. What is a programmer?

He’s any normal male with a TV remote control.  Women use a remote to find out what’s on television.  Guys use it to find out what else is on.  512 channels – Click, Click, Click, Click….

6. What is a cartographer?

She’s the Natalie nattily-dressed (or He is the spiffy-dressed, don’t ask – don’t tell) airline flight attendant who seems to have been sampling the bar, before she/he wields that drink trolley like a weapon down the aisle, ramming unsuspecting knees and crushing toes.

7. What is a musician?

A Music Ian is the unofficial titled bestowed on a poor (or so we claim) Scotsman – too often a Stewart – who is dragooned into establishing the order that pipe bands will perform at Military Tattoos.   He’s LIKE a Geordie, only with administrative OCD.  Some bands want to be first, to make that all-important first impression.  Others demand to be the closing act, to be best remembered.  At least it’s all done with tablets or lap-tops these days, and disputes are no longer settled with claymores.

8. What is a cordwainer?

He is a misguided Eco-Warrior who eschews heating his home with fuel oil or natural gas.  Instead, he spews his CO2 into the air by burning pieces of trees.  Near the end of a particularly long and cold winter, his pile of dried firewood is dwindling quickly, and he’s trying to figure out how he might surreptitiously add his neighbour’s garden shed.

9. What is a taxidermist?

It is any London cab-driver, what with the pea-soup fog, interspersed with blinding rain.  They had to invent Satnav for the immigrant drivers.  Star Wars came as no surprise to the old guard.  Use the force, Luke!  Use the force – to figure out where the bloody Hell we are in this garden-maze of streets.  I think they drive by sense of smell.  Charred steak-and-kidney pie??  Must be the Drunken Crow pub.  Turn right here.

10. What is a penciller?

The last of a dying breed, soon to be extinct – the actual, live editor.  He is found now only at the most upscale of publishing firms, having been replaced elsewhere by SpellCheck, GrammarCheck and Grammarly.  But Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

He scans manuscripts with an eagle eye, and a handful of coloured pencils, speaking/writing a strange, arcane language – lede, stet, dele.  Our hoped-for perfect submission is returned, looking like a kindergartner’s art project – black, green, red – add this, take out that, spell this.

Beware if it is adorned with blue pencil.  That means you’ve used salacious language which is not allowed, unless you’re writing a sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, or a porno movie plot.  The doorbell rang.  Clad only in a shorty robe, the voluptuous young housewife answered the door.  It was the handsome young pool-cleaner.  🙂

Fishing For One-Liners

I’m not a catch….
….I’m a catch and release.

Give me ambiguity, or….
….give me something else.

I was a real dude before I got married….
….Now I’m subdued.

I was attacked by a herd of cows….
….I’m okay.  I was just grazed.

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork….
….Think I nailed it.

Smile….
….It irritates the Hell out of people who want to destroy you.

Zombies….
….hate fast food.

You look like….
….I need another drink.

Remember when I asked for your opinion?….
….Yeah, me neither.

By the time I get used to how old I am….
….I’m ten years older than that.

Do I put down my age in Earth years….
….or joint pain?

I’m not saying I’m old, but….
….I just had to increase my font size to “Billboard.”

Three Senators walked into a bar….
….and nothing happened.  Ever!

Retirement….
….The staycation to end all staycations.

People who know the least….
….always seem to know it the loudest.

Give me coffee to change the things I can….
….and wine to accept those that I can’t.

Don’t play poker with an origami expert….
….All they do is fold.

Nowadays, the problem with letting myself go….
….is getting myself back.

My momma didn’t raise no fool….
….but if she did, it was my brother

Never stop being a good person….
….because of bad people.

I hate peer pressure….
….and so should you.

If I was music….
….I’d be a single.

I’m havin’ a crappy day….
….Please send cute pics of your credit card.

It’s amazing how different booty calling….
….and butt dialing are.

***

I just read on MSNBC that actor, Jeremy Renner had been seriously injured in a snowplough accident.  Thousands of Americans are now confused.  What the Hell is a snowplug, and how do you get hurt by one??  PLOUGH??!  On MSNBC??!  Who do they think they are?  The BBC?  😕

Legal To Drink On Fibbing Friday

I received a parcel via courier the other day.  I thought that it might be the sea monkeys that I had ordered from Amazon, but it was another batch of Fibbing Friday prompts from Pensitivity101.

  1. What is a humdinger?

Someone once asked Monica Lewinski if she’d ever taken it into her head to make money.  She replied that Bill Clinton had never paid her.  Most of us know that a Hummer is not only a gas-guzzling penis surrogate.  With a humdinger, the added fillip is digital anal insertion at the moment of truth.  It really adds something – or so I’m told.  No wonder she has a stain on that blue dress.

2. What is Hopscotch?

It’s a little dance I do on my way to the washroom (More of a stagger and stumble, than hop) over all the Legos and stuffed toys in the living room, after I’ve had one or two – or twelve – Glenfiddich, to wind down from another day of COVID mandate lockdowns.

Singer Bobbie Goldsboro had to go to Emergency, and get three stitches in his big toe, after he stumbled into a small pile of dried Rice Krispies, milk, and far too much sugar, that his son had dripped off the coffee table while watching morning cartoons.

3. What is Boeuf Bourguignon?

She is Shia LeBoeuf’s mother.  She has been underwhelmed by his movie portrayals, and is so disappointed and embarrassed that she is going back to her maiden name.

4. What is a Lady In Waiting?

She could be any one of the professional party girls from either of the local universities who attended the drunken orgies St. Patrick’s Day or Homecoming street parties.  I’ve peed on this stick, and I need to know if there’s one blue line, or two!  😯

5. What is a lupin?

Canada has a Francophone Federal opposition party politician named Pierre Poilievre, whose name translates roughly to pea-picker – like Tennessee Ernie Ford used to say,  “Bless your little pea-pickin’ heart.”  Lupins are members of the pea-plant family.  How many peas can a pea-pickin’ politician pick while waiting for his Golden Handshake??!

6. What is brimstone?

For twenty years, the wife and I were deliriously happy.  Then we met.  Brimstone was the one in her engagement ring.  Once I had presented that to her, my life began circling the outer ring of Dante’s Hell, just like the remains of yesterday’s burrito dinner going down the toilet.  I could have married anyone I pleased, but apparently I never pleased anyone.

When we got married, the wife and I agreed that I would handle all the big problems, while she took care of the small stuff.  In over 50 years of marriage, I have never had to make a major decision.  The wife says that I have to go now, because I’m getting too maudlin – and the cat-litter tray needs to be cleaned out.  😉

7. What is a Lady’s Slipper?

It’s the see-through part of Cinderella’s costume that the Prince got to keep.  I’m not sure how.  At the stroke of midnight, the horses turned back into mice, and the coach reverted to being a pumpkin.  Why didn’t the dropped shoe change back into an eggplant??!

8. How long can a snail sleep?

I can’t get mine to sleep.  He keeps racing across the floor and up the walls, harassing the dogs.  I should never have kept one as a pet in my meth lab.

9. Up to 1 trillion germs can be found on which part of the body?

Donald Trump’s tongue.   😛  Did you see how many ‘Good Christian’ asses he had to kiss to get into power??!  And then, when a reporter asked him what his favorite Bible verse was, he couldn’t articulate one, because God shut his tongue down, so that he could not blaspheme.

10. What is a Puffling?

It’s an old, out-of-shape guy like me, whose two life-long hobbies have been to add pounds of weight, (Kilos, for those readers in Metric countries) and years of age. (Years, for those readers in Metric countries)   The only thing I run now, is my tongue.  My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  I get winded just changing my mind.  It’s a good thing that I don’t do it often.  I’m not opinionated – it’s just that I’m always right.

Someone asked me if I was the King of Non-Sequiturs.  I couldn’t answer because I was busy delivering  a completed Fibbing Friday post to Pensitivity101 that was so old that I needed Indiana Jones to help me dig it up.

Airhead Humor

An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.  He remembered what his father had said: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what was going on. The airhead explained what Dad said.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

***

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,
“Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

***

I got in trouble at a DUI roadblock.  I was too damned polite.  I asked the nice police officer if he would hold my beer while I fished out my licence and registration.

***

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.  I thought, “Wow, dogs are easily entertained.”  Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

***

My Grandpa died peacefully.  He was a religious man and my good friend Michael inquired if I had found a Bible amongst his possessions.  I said that I had.  He asked me if I knew the publisher.  I told him that I thought it was Guten-something or other!

His eyes lit up and with a trembling voice he asked if it was Gutenberg?  I confirmed it was and he excitedly asked if he could see it, as it would be very valuable, because it was one of the first printed Bibles.  I told him I had given it to a charity shop and it would have been worthless as some smart-Alec named Martin Luther had written notes all over it!

***

A couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary which garnered a lot of attention from their community. In fact, a local news reporter showed up to the celebration and was surprised by how healthy and lively the 90-somethings were. After the couple finished dancing to swing music, the reporter started asking the husband questions.

When the reporter asked how the 97-year-old had maintained such good health, the husband smiled. “I give the credit to my wife,” he explained. “When we first got married, we agreed that whenever we argued, the loser would have to walk 2 miles – a mile away from the house and a mile back. I’ve been walking 2 miles a day almost every day for most of my married life.”

The reporter replied, “That’s amazing! But what about your wife? I understand she’s 92, and she’s in great shape too.”

“Well, you see,” began the husband, “she’s been following me that whole time to make sure I really finish those 2 miles.”

A Fibbing Friday With Connections

Pensitivity101’s theme was song connections this past week.  As usual, I’m a week late, and a joke short.

1. Who recorded Mouldy Old Dough?

It was a lament by Scrooge McDuck, until he managed to get his money vault climate controlled, and the deterioration stopped.  In today’s electronic banking age, all his little digital ones and zeros are spiffy clean and shiny.

  1. What colour icing was on the cake in MacArthur Park?

If it was in MacArthur Park, it would have been tartan.  It slid sideways in the picnic basket, and touched some of the other food.  That’s how we got Green Eggs and Ham.

3. Who sang they were made out of Gingerbread?

Whoever they were, they were likely British of some flavour.  North Americans are so addicted to sugar that we put it in our breads.  USA Americans purchase so much sweet pastries that they can’t even spell Krispy Kreme correctly.  Canadians are a bit better, but our national coffee shop chain, Tim Horton’s, singlehandedly supports the honey industry.

4. Who sang Tutti Frutti?

The 1910 Fruitgum Company??

5. Who recorded Green Onions?

Booker T (Jones) and the M.G. – which stands/stood for Memphis Group.  The hypercorrect incorrect lie was that it was MGs, and referred to hot-damned MG cars, because it was released at the peak of surfer/hot-rod rock.

6. Who had a boy lollipop?

A lot of people!  The girl lollipops don’t have that long stick.  Just think what you’ve been grasping, all these years.

7. What is a Tangerine Dream?

That’s the witness protection alias of a Dutch international banking and financial institution.  They came to North America as ING, and confused lots of people.  (That’s a low bar to clear)  Folks wondered, Are they lyING?  Are they borING?  Are they gougING? So they became ING Direct.  The fog only became thicker, so they suddenly became Tangerine, and the confusion all cleared up.

8. Sugar Sugar or Honey Honey?

Yes please!  But on alternate mornings.  My incipient diabetes can only take so much.

9. Who sang Sugar Pie Honey Bunch?

Kellogg’s Cereals, and Post Cereals, did for years, until consumer protection groups and pediatric nutrition organizations forced them to reformulate their breakfast foods out of psyllium fiber and bran powder, making the boxes more appetizing and nutritious.

10. Do you need Hot Butter for Popcorn?

Not always.  Sometimes I like mine sprinkled with Tex-Mex flavor powder, but only if it’s prepared by the Muppets’ Swedish Chef.

Wishing For One-Liners

What do you call those things you blow, and make a wish?….
….Oh yeah, breathalyzers.

I take my wife everywhere….
….but she always finds her way back.

I made a killing on Wall Street….
….I shot my broker.

My neighbors are a fastidious couple….
….She’s fast, and he’s hideous.

My Dad was the town drunk….
….Lots of times, that’s okay – but New York City?

My wife was in the beauty shop for two hours yesterday….
….That’s just for the estimate.

Not all men are homeless….
….but some are home less than others.

I complained to my psychiatrist that nobody listens to me….
….He said, “Next.”

When you breathe, you inspire….
….When you don’t breathe, you expire.

I joined an online dating service for arsonists….
….They send me 30 new matches every week.

When you mix quick-drying cement….
….there are many hard and fast rules.

I’m on the rotation diet….
….Every time I turn around I eat.

My date last night wanted to go someplace expensive….
….so I took her to a gas station.

I lost my job as a stencil maker this week…
…I guess I just wasn’t cut out for it.

Last week I got fired for eating chips on the job….
….now none of the other casinos will hire me either.

Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy….
….Getting up off the floor is another matter.

The first thing I notice when someone approaches me….
….The audacity.

My grandma reached 100 today….
….That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

The wife asked, “Is it just me, or is the cat getting fat?”….
….Apparently, “It’s just you.” was the wrong answer.

The first rule of The Condescending Club is really complex….
….I don’t think you’d understand it, even if I explained it to you.

I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid….
….I thought you already knew.

I’m getting older, and I need glasses….
….glasses of beer – glasses of wine.

I do whatever the voices….
….in my wife’s head tell me to.

😳

A Spun Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 asked, ‘So, what spin can you put on the following?’

  1. What are fish nets?

They are the piscatorial equivalent to the human Interwebz.  They are constructed using fiber-optic lines, so that water doesn’t short them out.  To prove that fish are smarter than some people, they don’t have Facebook, Twitter, or Tik-Tok.

2. What is a teddy?

He’s my emotional support animal.  He’s so cool that he has his own diminutive teddy – although the little traitor drinks Coke, instead of the proper Pepsi.

3. What is cross stitch?

So….  I stumbled over the dog’s new chew toy, startling him, so that he jumped against my ankles, completing my fall.  I banged my forehead on the corner of the coffee table, and bled like a stuck pig, but I was more than irked when the wife insisted that we spend almost five hours in the hospital Emergency department, waiting for some young intern to apply one suture, and a drop of Krazy-Glue.

4. What is a basque?

This is when you can finally afford to holiday in the French Riviera, and you decide that you will return to Old Blighty with a tan, or die trying.  So you risk offending the Gods of Cancer, and slather on sunblock lotion like you own an oil well, and lie out in the sun until you sizzle and crackle like a haddock filet in a fish and chips shop.

5. What are daps?

They are a series of quick, almost subliminal actions that a young female performs to entice and arouse the interest of a suitable male – a hypersonic application of lip gloss, two damp fingertips rapidly redefining already carefully plucked and shaped eyebrows, a tug on bra straps to nicely display her best points.  Older women don’t generally care that much.  Often, they’re searching for the human equivalent of roach powder or termite poison.

6. What are culottes?

They are slices of lean veal or pork, that I dip in egg, coat with breadcrumbs, and fry in olive oil.

7. What are pedal pushers?

Guys who sell stolen bicycles.

8. What are trews?

They are a Canadian soft-pop band who advertise as being rock and roll, when the closest they get to Rock is in the Bentwood on the front porch.

9. What is a gym slip?

It’s an excuse note, from the school office or nurse, to the P. E. teacher, explaining that female students may sit out the physical class while they have their Monthlies.

10. What is a feather cut?

During the Middle Ages, paper did not exist, so scribes didn’t get paper cuts on thick, soft vellum, but if they weren’t careful, they could get a nasty gash while using a dull knife to carve their quills.

Prehistoric Humor

A caveman is sitting by a creek, gnawing on a hunk of mastodon meat, enjoying the rare quiet. After a short time, the quiet is broken by a distant shriek and from the direction of his cave, his wife comes running. “Wog! Wog!” she screams, “Come quick! A saber-toothed tiger has just chased mother into the cave.” Wog looks up at his wife with mild annoyance, chews the final remaining piece of meat from the bone, and calmly says, “What do I care what happens to a saber-toothed tiger?”

***

At a wedding ceremony, the priest asked if anyone had anything to say about the union of the bride and groom – it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.  The moment of utter silence was ended by a beautiful young woman, holding a small child.  She started walking toward the pastor.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks, and wondering how to save the situation.

The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward?  What do you have to say?”
She replied, “We can’t hear at the back.”

***

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine, and asked him what he was up to these days.
He replied that he was working on aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment.
I was really impressed, until further conversation revealed that he was washing dishes with hot water, because his wife had ordered him to.

***

Me; Age 12
Fell off bike at high speed on a gravel road.  Rode home 5 miles.
Me; Today
Used the wrong pillow and was non-functional for 2 days.

***

Who Says Men Don’t Remember?

A couple went Christmas shopping.  The shopping center was packed, and the wife was suddenly surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.  She was quite upset, because they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell phone, to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember that jewelers that we went into about five years ago?  The one where you fell in love with that diamond bracelet that we couldn’t afford, but I told you I would get for you one day?”
The wife choked up and said, “Yes, I remember that shop.”
He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”

***

When my wife caught me on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed.  “That’s not going to help.”
“Sure it does.  That’s the only way I can read the numbers.”

***

The difference between an introvert and an extrovert mathematician is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you, an extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.