WOW #51

Mary Poppins

How to be serious, without getting serious.
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

I have always liked humor and comedy for their own sakes. They raise spirits, lower blood pressure, dissipate anger and depression, and produce feel-good endorphins. I have lived with and among jokes, almost my entire life. I have found that the best way to deal with serious matters, is often to joke about them. “Your Grandpa died? I am so sorry! Let’s have a drunken wake, and make fun of Death.”

These are only a few of the reasons why you lovely readers find my blog-posts sprinkled with a liberal dusting of

Frivolity

triviality, abandon, levity, foolishness.

From the French word frivolité, dating back to 1790–1800. See frivolous, -ity

None of the four words above exactly define frivolity. It’s more like, add them up and divide by four. I don’t like to apply the word triviality, because very little of what I joke about is trivial.

Until recently, you could practice frivolity with gay abandon, but too many Bible Thumpers have lost their sense of humor (and reality, and acceptance, and forgiveness) over anything that is gay.

Levity isn’t bad. We don’t need to get too heavy, when we’re trying to be lighthearted. If any of my readers regard my joking as foolishness, that’s precisely the audience that I’m targeting. I often feel that the foolishness is on the other side.

If you are reading this, it means that my Muse, Erato, has failed to inspire me to compose a 100-word Flash Fiction. That means that there is a 50% chance that I will be publishing another Comedy post on Monday. Why don’t you stop back and find out? 😀

One-Liners Rub off On You

Comedy

I got a new dry-erase board at work….
….It’s remarkable

People who can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology….
….bug me in ways that I cannot put into words

I could tell you about my addiction to reading books….
….but that’s another story

If you boil a funny-bone….
….you get a laughing-stock
….This is humerus.

I didn’t think that my orthopedic shoes would work….
….but I stand corrected

Why did the coffee file a police report?….
….It got mugged

A toothpick saw a hedgehog….
….”Oh, wow, a bus.” it said.

How do you teach schoolchildren about God?….
….Gather them all in a classroom, and then don’t show up.

I swallowed a laxative with Holy water….
….I’m going to start a religious movement

I nearly bought a hill today….
….but it was too steep

Some people think my puns are juvenile….
….but I like to think of them as full groan

I once had a job prospecting for gold….
….but it didn’t pan out

I got a job in a guillotine factory….
….I’ll be heading there soon

I had amnesia once….
…or twice???

They told me that I was gullible….
….and I believed them

You shouldn’t try to write with a broken pencil….
….It’s pointless

I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey….
….but I turned myself around

Never argue with a fool….
….they will lower you to their level, and beat you with experience

How do you seduce a fat woman?….
….piece of cake

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way….
….so I stole a bike, and asked for forgiveness

Practice makes perfect….
….but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?

The floor was so dusty….
…. that it seemed to be suffering from sweep deprivation.

Elevator Etiquette

Elevator

20 fun things to do in an elevator…

  1. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, “Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!”
  2. Whistle the first 7 notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
  3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, “Got enough air in there?”
  4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  7. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, “Ever had a Wet Willy?”
  8. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you “Admiral.”
  9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on.”
  10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
  11. Meow occasionally.
  12. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  13. Frown and mutter, “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say, “Oops!”
  14. Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
  15. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  16. Burp, then say, “Mmmmm…..tasty!”
  17. Say, “Ding!” at each floor.
  18. Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
  19. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  20. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting bigger.”

 

An Irish 911 Call

St. Patricks

An Irish woman was cleaning her husband’s rifle, and it accidently went off and shot him.

Irish woman: It’s me fooken husband, I’ve accidently shot him, I’ve fooken killed him.
Operator: Please calm down ma’am. First make sure that he is actually dead.
‘Click’ BANG
Irish woman: Okay, I’ve taken care of that. What next?

***

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be ‘The One,’ but after snooping through her underwear drawer, and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a policewoman’s uniform – he decided that, if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him.

***

Paddy and Murphy are on a holiday, and are running out of money. They see a sign that reads, “Challenge! Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies, and win £200.”

Murphy goes in first, and spends 1 minute in the room, before running out yelling, “Fuck that! I couldn’t do it. Them flies was in my mouth, and I couldn’t breathe. You’ll never do it Paddy.”

Paddy says, “No sweat Murph. Get me in there.”

So, Paddy goes into the room and spends the full 10 minutes in there, and then comes out….

Murphy says, “Fucking Hell, Paddy! How did you do it?”

Paddy says, “Easy! I shit in one corner, and sat in the other.”

***

Paddy and Murphy are at the airport, waiting for a flight.
Paddy says, “I wish I brought the TV.”
Murphy says, “Why, are ya bored?”
Paddy responds, “No, the passports are sitting on it.”

***

An Irishman went to the liquor store yesterday on his bike

He bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As he was about to leave, he thought to himself that if he fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so he drank all the whiskey before he cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because he fell off his bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would’ve happened to the bottle.

***

Paddy is painting his lounge. His wife walks in and can’t believe the good job that he’s doing, but the sweat is just dripping off him.
She says, ”Why are you wearing a leather jacket, and a parker?”
He replies, “Helloooo… Read the fuckin’ tin. It says for better coverage, put two coats on.”

***

I was in an Irish couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

***

 

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

 

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Joked

confession-box

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

—–

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

—–

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

—–

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

___

 

A carful of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

***

A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a Cat died. (Notice no type of cat was named!)

In heaven, all three faced God.
God wanted to know what each of them believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Very good”, said God. “You may sit at my right hand!”
And so the German Shepherd did.

The Doberman approached and declared, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.”
Once again, God proclaimed, “Very good! You may sit at my left hand!”
And so the Doberman did.

Finally, the Cat approached and God looked down from high above on his throne and inquired of the Cat, “And what do you believe in?”

The Cat looked squarely at God and replied, “I believe you are sitting in my seat!”

___

 

Flash Fiction #200

Jokes

PHOTO PROMPT © Linda Kreger 

THAT’S FUNNY

I’ve never heard of a scavenger hunt for jokes.

There’s a couple! Scoop them up.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?….
….The porcupine has the pricks on the outside

My doctor told me that I have insomnia….
….but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it

You find them everywhere. Grab that pair!

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?….
….Dam

My girlfriend hates it when I joke about her weight….
….She should lighten up.

One more, then home.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?….
….A politician

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use here Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Milestone

Well, I’ve done it. I’ve been at this long enough to have reached the FF #200 milestone. Thank you Rochelle for having the patience to herd all these cats, and thanx to all the rest of you who come to read my silly stories.

Friday Fictioneers

One-Lines Of Wisdom

Billy Crystal

A potpourri of thoughts on life from various comics and entertainers – some wise – some otherwise. See if you can identify any of the submitters.

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”

“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.”

“Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.”

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'”

“If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.”

“I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece. And my other niece.”

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, ‘denigrate’ means ‘put down.'”

“My wife, we get along good ’cause we have our own arrangement. One night a week I go out with the boys, and one night a week she goes out with the boys.”

“I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He’d just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.”

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

“My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.”

“Let me ask you a question, who do you think has more freedom—the married man in America or the single man in communist China?”

“Housework won’t kill you. But then again, why take the chance?”

“I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.”

“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.”

When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business.”

“I’m a godfather. That’s a great thing to be, a godfather. He calls me ‘god’ for short. That’s cute. I taught him that.”

“Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.”

“I wish people would stop making fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates.”

“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.”

“Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult.”

“Nobody is worried about a government shutdown. They’re worried about it starting back up.”

“I was having a great day until I woke up.”

“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

“Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number.”

“My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.”

“I’m a gentleman and I was always taught it’s rude to talk about a woman’s age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.”

“I look at wives the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.”

“Get-well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick, you’re missing half the fun.”

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

“If you don’t do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you’ll live forever. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy with any and all bodily functions.”

“I didn’t wake up in a new Bugatti this morning…. I’ll try again tomorrow.”

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.”