A Habit Of Telling One-Liners

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year….
….then I remembered, nobody likes a quitter.

Behind every successful man….
….is a woman with nothing to wear.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”….
….I said, “Where did that come from?”

I got a job at a bicycle factory….
….I’m their new spokesman.

The dinner I was cooking for the family was going to be a surprise….
….until the fire trucks ruined it.

I never know what to do with gossip….
….so I just pass it on.

One way to stop a runaway horse….
….is to bet on him.

I consider other opinions….
….I consider most of them stupid.

There are two kinds of men who don’t understand women….
….Bachelors, and husbands.

If you don’t remember my name, just say “Donuts”….
…..I’ll turn around and look.

When I found out that my toaster isn’t waterproof….
….I was shocked.

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork….
….but bigger ones need a crane.

The world’s oldest man just died….
….Why does this keep happening?

A bargain is something that you don’t need….
….at a price you can’t resist.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home….
….even if you wish they were.

I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus….
….That’s how I lost my job as a driver.

A can opener that doesn’t work….
….is a can’t opener.

The female neighbor said she’d do things my wife wouldn’t, for $20….
….She ironed four shirts.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills….
….Everyone says they work twice as hard when I’m around.

If every day is a gift, I want a receipt for Monday….
….I want to exchange it for another Friday.

I got a job in a paperless office….
….Everything was great till I needed to use the washroom.

’22 A To Z Challenge – E

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everybody loves a good fart joke.  Well, there are some prudes who stick their noses in the air, and claim that they don’t, but if someone farts, having your nose up in the air is a good thing.

What would a cow’s fart smell like?  Dairy air.

This week’s word to ponder is

EFFLUVIUM

a slight or invisible exhalation or vapor, especially one that is disagreeable or noxious.
an unpleasant smell or exhalation, as of gaseous waste or decaying matter

The discussion forum, Quora, asked, “When was the most inappropriate time that you farted?”  A young female clerk had to enter the vault of a Fortune 500 company to get some forms.  Shortly after she entered, Mother Nature insisted that she vent some gas.  This wasn’t a lady-like little toot.  She didn’t remember eating anything that would cause it, but it was a blast that almost blew the gusset out of her pantyhose, and smelled like she’d eaten a dead skunk.

She thought, ‘At least I’m here alone.  There’ll be time for it to dissipate before anyone else comes in.’  The thought was still rattling around in her head, when the Vice-President entered.  She didn’t say a word, just put her head down, and walked out, hoping that the stress would prevent him from recognizing or identifying her.

A female comic once claimed that, “Women don’t sweat, and we don’t fart.  Hell!  If we didn’t bitch, we’d explode!”

Social convention says that, when a fart sneaks up on you and you’re with someone, or a group, you’re supposed to admit to it, and apologize.  If you feel one coming on, you are expected to move to a location with a lower population density.

One day, I rolled out of bed and immediately left the bedroom, down the hall, and back into the bathroom.  There, I did what lots of husbands do.  I ripped a BIG one – about three yards of sail canvas – F-f-f-f-a-a-a-a-r-r-r-t-t-t.  From 30 feet, a hallway, and a different room, away, I heard –Archon??!

Yes, Dear?
Well, you could apologize.
There is no-one here to smell it, that I might apologize to.
Well, you could go somewhere else to do that.
I am in the bathroom, with the exhaust fan on.  Where else would you suggest that I go??

Now she’s angry because I just proved that I need not do either one of two things that she feels are imperative.  It’s not like we have an HOA, or even a Neighborhood Decorum Committee which can assess fines.

A comedian once discussed farting and flying.  The average person farts about every half-hour – nothing major, just little toots.  By the end of an eight-hour flight, 250 passengers will have produced a total of 4000 farts.  It’s no wonder that the baby was crying.

An award was given to Ben Wilson of the University of British Columbia for his thesis on, “Sounds  Produced by Herring Bubble Release.”  Apparently, herring communicate by farting.

The average person’s output is about two cubic feet of gas per day.  Very early, NASA had to learn to develop filtration and compression systems for every space vehicle. With enough astronauts, and enough time, the pressure can rise high enough to cause a catastrophic blowout.

I am under no pressure to do anything but leave you with a wee chuckle.