New show, The Walking Dad….
….It’s just me, wandering around the house, turning off lights, muttering, “I’m not made of money.”
I ate an entire clock yesterday….
….It was very time-consuming.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?….
….Park your car, man.
I am not addicted to reading….
….I can quit – as soon as I finish this chapter.
I made a pencil with two erasers….
….It was pointless
I slept like a log last night….
….Woke up in the fireplace.
I finally found a good use for a stress ball….
….I throw it at anyone who makes me upset or anxious.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?….
….We arson.
Nothing is really lost….
….Until Mom can’t find it.
I thought I was losing weight….
….Turns out my sweatpants came untied.
I may be crazy….
….But crazy is better than stupid.
Autobiographies are now known as….
….Literary selfies.
Condoms should be used….
….at every conceivable occasion.
I got a friends request from Quasimodo….
….I don’t think I know him, but the name rings a bell.
I used to work as a circus trapeze artist….
….Till they let me go.
I have OCD….
….Old, Cranky, and Demented.
Before the invention of the wheel….
….Everything was a total drag.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?….
….Because dogs can’t whistle.
Insomniacs are sick human beings!….
….How do they sleep at night?
My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face today….
….I love felt-tip pens.
My son kept giving us shocks from static electricity….
….So I grounded him.
I have a goal of losing 20 pounds this year….
….Only 30 more to go.