Lies We (Can) Tell Each Other

Pinnochio

Here’s a chance to lie your face off. Choose any or all of the following questions, and tell it like it isn’t. Go big, or go home. Copy the questions and post them on your own site, for others to see. Imagine away! 😉

  1. Can a woodchuck chuck more wood than a woodpecker can peck?
    2. If you put something where the Sun does not shine, where did it go?
    3. What did Columbus say when he landed in the New World?
    4. Why was Nero playing his fiddle when Rome burned?
    5. If you are retired, can you still observe Labor Day?
    6. Where did the Amazons come from?
    7. Who started the Trojan War?
    8. Since corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
    9. Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?
    10. The #2 pencil seems to be the most popular, so why doesn’t someone invent a #1 pencil?
    11. If there was an Eighth Dwarf along with Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy and Sleepy, what would his name be?
    12. Why are zebras striped?
    13. If the Love Bug hadn’t been a Volkswagen beetle, what would it have been?
    14. Why aren’t we on Cloud 10 when we’re happy?
    15. Why do we draw curtains?
    16. What is the difference between cottage pie and shepherd’s pie?
    17. Are wine gums alcoholic?
    18. What’s the best way to diet?
    19. What is a homonym?
    20. Why do witches always seem to wear stripey socks?

These are my answers, and I’m sticking to them. Make up some of your own.

  1. He could, but it’s a matter of sequence. He has to wait for the woodpecker to peck it loose, before he can chuck it. Like the two Newfies who came to Ontario to find jobs. One was a woodcutter, the other was a pilot. The employment agency didn’t have any call for a woodcutter, but felt they could employ a pilot. “But, if I doesn’t cut it, he can’t pilot!”
  2. Tacoma, Washington
  3. “Here goes the neighborhood.”
  4. Because nobody was allowed to call him a lyre.
  5. Only if you have a young, pregnant, trophy-wife.
  6. I’m not sure. My last one was delivered by a drone.
  7. A hooker with STDs
  8. Not sure, but they DO cry when the drill goes in.
  9. Because, when he’s finished, you’re broker than when he started – also, because all the correct names are prohibited by slander/libel/defamation laws.
  10. Actually, the #1 pencil exists. It’s just that Avis car rental gave away tons of #2 pencils as a marketing scheme. “We’re #2, and we try harder.” Nobody remembers poor #1 pencil. Better to wonder what happened to Preparations A through G.  Take’em and stick ’em…. where the sun don’t shine.
  11. His name is Sleazy. He wasn’t there when Snow White dropped in – just as well. He was in prison with that Epstein pervert.
  12. Even when you say that you’ve spotted a zebra – it’s striped. They decided to give up half their (bad) black pigmentation for better PR, but it didn’t work out.
  13. See #7
  14. Clouds were developed over many years, right up to Cloud 9. When the computer was invented, it was decided not to assign the next one number 10, because it might cause digital confusion. Cloud 9 has been rebranded as Cloud 1001.
  15. I draw a blank on this question. With my shake, I can’t draw curtains. I just download photos of them from Shutterstock.
  16. Obviously cottage pie is eaten indoors, while shepherd’s pie is eaten in the fields with the flock. Sheep are herbivores, so there’s no danger, but watch out for rampaging hedgehogs.
  17. Wine gums are not alcoholic, but a person who eats them often is.
  18. While at the dining table, allow your arms to hang straight down. Bend your elbows 90 degrees. Place your fingers on the top edge of the table, and your thumbs underneath. Grasp the table firmly…. and push away before second helpings.
  19. That’s a nasty, pejorative name that Christian Fundamentalists and other bigots use, when they can’t pronounce LGBT.
  20. See #12 The half of the black stripes that the zebras gave up were used to pattern socks. Only witches would wear the black ones, until they were all used up. Now they wear stripey socks of the whole rainbow of colors – and the Fundies think they’re LGBT.

I feel the truth serum kicking in. I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down Ben Franklin’s kite, and used it to write my next blog-post on. Stop back again in a couple of days, and see what happens when someone makes an honest man of me. 😉

Adoption III

We just accepted three refugees into our home.

Adoption

After parents, Mama Garden Gnome, and Papa Garden Gnome, were killed in a freak riding-mower accident, my son generously offered to take in their orphaned sons.

Poor Larry is still horrified at the sight, and is covering his eyes. Shemp hears their screams, and covers his ears, while Moe thinks that he might throw up from the gore, and is covering his mouth.

The Three Stooges

Please note that these boys are genuine, Purebred Garden Gnomes ©, not to be confused with those grape-flavored, animated impersonators, The Smurfs. Smurfs are aptly named. As an adjective ‘smurf’ means illegal/trouble-making/untrustworthy. As a verb, it means con/scam/bamboozle.

As a noun, a smurf is a money-launderer, particularly one who breaks down large amounts of illicit money, into smaller, un-noticed amounts. The next time you see Papa Smurf – that shiny thing on his vest isn’t a gold button, it’s a Bitcoin pin – deceitful little investment broker. 🙄  Our new foster-sons wouldn’t do anything like that. They are honest and upstanding – in the flower garden.

Smurfs are Smurfs in every country except Germany. In Germany, they are called ‘Strumpfs,’ which means ‘stockings.’ I found that out one day, as I was pursuing The Last of The Mohicans. The pioneer explorers of the dense northern New York forests were known as leather-stockings – lederstrumpfs, in German. They used animal hide – usually deer skin – to make tough coverings for their legs, to protect from rattlesnakes, broken branches, brambles, briars, and poison ivy and sumac. There’s none of that in our gardens.

Adoption 2
(There are some Stooge sets that are so garish, even the son won’t buy them.)