Service Industry

Hillbilly Couple

Restaurant Order

A resident in a hotel breakfast room called the waiter to his table.

“I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so overcooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”

“That’s a complicated order, Sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult to prepare.”

The guest replied, “Oh? But that’s what I got yesterday!!”

***

A barber gives a haircut to a florist one day. The florist goes to pay and the barber says “This one is on me, pay it forward.” The next day, the barber finds a dozen roses on his doorstep.

Pleased, the barber gives a baker a haircut and tells him the same thing, pay it forward. The next day he finds a dozen doughnuts on his doorstep.

The barber decided to keep it up and when a lawyer comes in for a haircut he tells him no charge, pay it forward. The next day he finds a dozen lawyers on his doorstep waiting for a haircut.

***

A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink. Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says “Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?”
She smiles and says, “Yale.”
He says, “YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID Y’ALL
GO TO SCHOOL?” 

***

A woman lying on her death-bed wanted all to know she was a virgin…. She asked that her headstone would forever read: ‘Born a virgin, lived a virgin and died a virgin’. When the stonemason was making her headstone, he ran out of space so he just carved: ‘Returned unopened’.

A Job selection interview

Job Interviewer: So, what makes you qualified? What jobs have you worked in the past?
Me: I have worked for a multi billionaire company that sends fresh foods to the local community.

JI: Really? That sounds extremely rewarding! What company is it?
Me: Dominos.

***

What do you call someone who only likes people with 10 toes?
Lack toes intolerant

***.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Especially when you aim for his head.

***

How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just start a Coping With Darkness support group.

***

Man answers the phone: “Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?   “Adam”
And your wife’s? “Eve”
Ha! That’s funny….does the snake live there too?
“Yes, one moment. Honey, get your mom please…”

 

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The Business Of Fame

Pence

Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give 20 pence to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The teacher said, “Sorry Alan, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.” The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.
Finally, an Indian boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.” The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I’ll give you the 20 pence.”
As the teacher was giving him his money, she said, “You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.” He replied, “Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!”

***

$200 Bucks It Is…

A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
”Hi, is Tony home?”
”No, he went to the store.”
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
”No, come in.”

They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and he says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives him a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

***

Italian, French and Indian

An Italian, French and Indian all went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

The Italian was first: “I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day.”

The French was next: “I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV.

Last was the Indian: “I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone “green green”, I “pink” up the phone and I say “Yellow.”

***

What’s The Point?

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.