Comedy Is Going To The Dogs

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food.  She went to pay for it and the cashier said, You can’t buy that dog food, we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food.

The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said, You can’t have that cat food, we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.

Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box.  She told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did.  She said it felt warm and soft.  The little old lady then said, now you’re satisfied, can I have some toilet paper please!

***

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad.  Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

***

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman’s husband unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already. The little Boy says: “Dark in here.”
The Man says: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a soccer ball; do you want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside, I’ll call him if you don’t buy it!”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$100.”

A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have soccer boots.”
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: “How much?”
The Boy says: ”$500.”
The Man says: “Fine, I will buy them.”

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: “Grab your ball and boots, let’s go outside and have a game.”
The Boy says: “I can’t, I sold them for $ 600.”
The Father says: “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… $ 600 is way more than those two things cost.  I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your “SINS.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: “Dark in here.”
The Priest says: “Don’t start that shit again!”

***

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television here?”

“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.”

“That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.”

“What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment.”

Powerful One-Liners

If electronic devices can all just charge wirelessly….
….Then more power to them.

My friend kept asking me what my military rank was….
….But I told him it was Private.

Why did the optometrist set his clock to Army time?….
….Because he wanted to see 20:20

A soldier went into an enemy bar….
….He got bombed.

What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?….
….A platoon.

My high school basketball team didn’t have ice on the sidelines….
….The guy with the recipe graduated.

Remember, if you don’t sin….
….Jesus died for nothing.

I got fired from my job as a massage therapist….
….My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

Don’t ask me about my pan pizza….
….It’s personal

A friend asked, “Aren’t you afraid to eat at those food trucks?”….
….When I eat, it’s the food that’s scared.

Every place is within walking distance….
….If you have enough time.

What do you call a student who cheated on every test through medical school?….
….Hopefully, not your doctor.

I’d like a job cleaning mirrors….
….It’s something I could really see myself doing.

If electricity comes from electrons….
….Morality comes from morons.

I finally decided to start working out….
….I did 15 minutes of cardio, 15 minutes of strength training,  and three days of hospital.

What do you call a tiny mother?….
….A minimum.

My wife is taking our son to a child psychologist….
….He said he wants to grow up just like me.

To anybody who received a book from me at Christmas….
….They’re overdue at the library.

I’m glad I wasn’t born in Germany….
….Because I can’t speak German.

Whoever invented Knock, Knock jokes….
….Should get a no bell prize.

Someone once told me to search for inner peace….
….I’ve looked.  It isn’t in here.

Comedy Conversion Therapy

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe.  Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father.  Do ya’ think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

***

“Mommy, my turtle is dead,” little Freddie sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said, “That’s all right.  We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard.  After that, we’ll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet.  I don’t want you….” Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.
“Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all.”
“Oh,” the disappointed boy said. “Can I kill it?”

***

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it.  It’s an asshole!”

***

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Wings!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

***

A little boy was swearing at birds that were eating the seeds he had just planted.  The minister hears this and goes over to the little boy.  “My son, there is no need to use the F word to chase the birds away.  Just say ‘shoo away birds’ and they will fuck off by themselves”

***

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant.  “Did you kill that?” he asked.
The pigmy answered: “Yes”.
“How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?”
“I killed it with my club” replied the pigmy.
“That’s amazing,” said the explorer.  “How big’s your club?”
The pigmy replied: “There’s about 150 of us”

Perfect One-Liners

A perfectionist walked into a bar….
….Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

My professor accused me of plagiarism….
….His words, not mine.

During the COVID pandemic….
….Is not the time to surround yourself with positive people.

I’m in an open marriage….
….I just found out.

How do you stop a bull from charging?….
….You just unplug it.

The leading cause of dry skin….
….Is towels.

My wife and I had this long, pointless argument about which vowel is most important….
….I won.

People say that time is money….
….I don’t buy that for a second.

My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl….
….I said, No, I didn’t know he could.

I got assaulted by a mime for having a spasm….
….He thought I was heckling.

I wish everything was as easy as….
….Getting fat.

I asked my therapist if driving my car 100 MPH was an emotional problem….
….She asked me to pay two weeks in advance.

My wife says she’s going to leave me because of my addiction to poker….
….But I think she’s bluffing.

What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet?….
….A desserter.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations….
….And you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The trouble with learning from experience….
….Is that you never graduate.

Wait! One day at a time….
….Like, FOREVER??!

I tried starting up a hot-air balloon company….
….But it never took off.

I’m great at multi-tasking….
….I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate, all at once.

My wife said, “Look at this.  I haven’t worn this in years, and it still fits.”….
….I said, “It’s a scarf.”

If only Sarcasm….
….Burned calories

Humor With Balls

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can’t get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

***

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”
Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”
St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.
St. Peter: “Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth.
You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals.
Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”
The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate.
It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”

St. Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”
Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.
“Well, Cat…did you enjoy the satin pillow?”
Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say….that “Meals-on-Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

***

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Fibulous Fibbing Friday

Each month, Pensitivity101 publishes a list of questions or statements that we are encouraged to provide creative, adventurous – if not exactly truthful – responses to.  The following is my most recent attempt.

  1. A stitch in time saves……………………………………..
    2. Too many cooks…………………………………………….
    3. Many hands make………………………………………….
    4. A bird in the hand ………………………………………..
    5. Actions speak louder……………………………………….
    6. All that glitters………………………………………………
    7. People in glass houses……………………………………
    8. Fools rush in ………………………………………………..
    9. Don’t count your chickens ……………………………..
    10. Give them an inch…………………………………………

A stitch in time saves – me from having to complete this 5K “Fun Run” that I so unwisely signed up for.  If God had intended us to run, He wouldn’t have invented Uber.  😮

Too many cooks – add so many red-hot peppers, that you could die at a Texas Chili Cook-off.  😥

Many hands make – a complete game of bridge, although I don’t understand why anyone plays it.  I just don’t have the attention span.  😉  😆  See what I did there?  😕

A bird in the hand – can be quite messy.  Always use your COVID gloves.  The drunk said to the host, “If you don’t have any lemons, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink.”  😳

Actions speak louder – to get the attention of members of the Woke generation.  Sometimes it takes a good slap upside the head to convince them that they’re not as right as they imagine they are.  😯

All that glitters – is impossible to vacuum out of the carpet.  Who invented that shit?  Chinese terrorists??!  Sawdust is guy-glitter, but at least you can sweep it up.  😎

People in glass houses – should buy thick curtains.  Clean windows are important, but so is privacy.  😛

Fools rush in – and guys like Trump get elected.  😳  😯

Don’t count your chickens – because I raided your freezer.  I came over last week to ‘borrow’ a cup of Zinfandel, but you were driving your husband to the airport, so I ‘borrowed’ an entire bottle while I waited for you.  (Don’t count on your wine supply, either.)  I didn’t have anything in stock for supper, and one thing led to another….   😯

Give them an inch – and the anti-vaxxer conspiracy nuts won’t be any closer to protecting themselves and the rest of society.  😳

I’ll publish another post in a couple of days.  I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth….ish.

Killer One-Liners

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny….
….Unless they’re properly executed.

Spiderman was found dead this morning….
….Police suspect he committed insecticide.

I caught my teenage son flying a kite during a thunderstorm….
….I immediately grounded him.

Dr. Frankenstein entered a body-building contest….
….And found that he’d seriously misunderstood the goals.

Atheism and Theism are but two sides of the same coin….
….One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

Insomnia is terrible, but on the plus side….
….Only three more sleeps till Christmas

If two vegans get into a fight….
….Is it still called a beef?

They say a camera adds ten pounds….
….After my last look in a mirror, I must be under heavy surveillance.

I was eating pizza, before pizza was cool….
….I never seem to learn.

What’s the correct serving size for pizza?….
….Until you hate yourself.

What’s the funniest thing I’ve stolen?….
….A joke.

It’s all fun and games….
….Until your oversize shirts start fitting.

I accidently went shopping on an empty stomach….
….Now I’m the proud owner of aisle seven.

I was waving at my neighbor for ten minutes this morning….
….Before realizing that she was cleaning her windows

Did you hear about the man who lived in a tire?….
….He had a puncture, and now lives in a flat.

A recent study by statisticians shows….
….The average human has one breast and one testicle.

I have a meeting at the bank later to solve all my money worries….
….I’m so excited, I can hardly get the balaclava on.

The cops just left.  They said if I’m gonna walk around the house naked…
….I gotta do it inside.

My doctor diagnosed me as a kleptomaniac….
….I asked, ‘Is there anything I can take for that?’

Do trees shit?….
….Of course they do.  That’s how we get #2 pencils.

My girlfriend told me I need to show more affection….
….Now I have two girlfriends.

If I cut off my right butt cheek….
….I would be left behind.

I had an addiction to masturbation….
….But I beat it.

WOW #71

Look at that bunch of cows.
Not bunch, herd.
Heard what?
Herd of cows.
Sure I’ve heard of cows.
No, I mean a cow herd.
What do I care what a cow heard?  I got no secrets from a cow!

Now that I’ve milked that pun for a few laughs, let’s consider this week’s word.

RANGALE

When referring to deer, herd seems a bit numerous, as does the word bunch.  While they can leap, they can’t fly, so they’re not a flock.  A small group of specifically Whitetail deer are a bevy, while a group of any kind of deer is properly known as a rangale.  Crows would murder for a cumulative title like that.

The term began with an old word that became range, in modern English.  It grew up in French as the word rengaille, which came to be known as the dregs of an army.  When the military had fought a battle, or won a war, and were drifting home, or back to base, in small, rag-tag, non-uniform-sized, unsupervised clots of clods, the small groups were rangales.

When William the Conqueror graciously visited the Enchanted Island, the term came to be applied to similar small groups of deer.  When we have journeyed into the United States on vacation trips, occasionally we have seen deer feeding beside the road, usually at dusk.  Actually, it happens more often to the wife than me.  Screaming down I-95 at 75MPH, trying to keep ahead of some semi that seems to want to park in my trunk, is not the time to go, “Oh, look at Bambi and his mom.”

If COVID dies before I do. I have hopes for more trips, and more deer-sightings.  If I am lucky, and successful at both, now I know what to call them.  Other than Rivergirl, who seems to live on a migration pathway, how many of you have been fortunate enough to see a group of deer in the wild?  😕

’21 A To Z Challenge – J

If somebody TPed your house – it wasn’t me!
If somebody in a gorilla mask, jumped out and growled when you got back to the office after COVID shutdown – it wasn’t me!
It was some other…

JOKER

a person who is fond of joking
a foolish or inept person.
especially: an insignificant, obnoxious, or incompetent person 

I have long been a fan of the psychological value of humor and comedy.  It can calm the mind, and cause endorphins to be released into the bloodstream that make people feel good.  I don’t like to be called a Joker, like the Steve Miller Band song.

I’m a Joker
I’m a smoker
I’m a midnight toker

I gave that shit up a long time ago.  I have enough trouble keeping my mind running smoothly.  I don’t need any chemical enhancement.

I also don’t like the Jokester label.  Like “Joker,” it carries too much hint of smart-ass pranks and practical jokes, which are only funny to the bullies who play them on innocent victims.

I much prefer to accept the label of Gagster, from the Lonnie Donegan song, Lively.  (Oh what a gagster!)
a person who writes comic material for public performers.
a comedian who uses a patter of jokes and funny remarks
.

So, you can rest assured that I am serious about being funny and looking after your mental and physical health, by posting lots of jokes.  The next batch will be hot off the griddle next Monday.  😆

A Flash Of Humor

 

I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.

***

One day a preacher and a boy with his little red wagon were walking down the street when a wheel fell off of the wagon.  Goddammit! The boy exclaimed.

Son don’t you dare use the lord’s name in vain! You say ‘God bless! instead, the preacher scolded

The next day they’re walking and two wheels fall off of the little red wagon.  The boy caught himself after he said it – Ah goddammit….. Sorry!

The Preacher – Boy what’d I tell you?! You say God bless it when that happens and don’t let me hear you cuss like that again!  ……Yes sir, said the boy.

Day three rolls around and three wheels pop off the wagon.  God fricken dammit oh shi—SORRY SIR!

Boy this is the last time I’m gonna tell you to stop using the good lord’s name in vain! You say God bless it instead!!!

So the fourth day rolls around and all four wheels pop off of the wagon and the little boy paused for a moment – …….God bless it….

*All four wheels pop right back on the wagon*

The preacher – WHOA GAWD DAMN!

***

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, Did Santa get you that?

Yes, replies the little girl.
Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year! and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?
The cop chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!

***

Three nuns were walking down the street each lost in introspective thought when a man wearing only a trench coat jumped out from behind a hedge and flashed the nuns. Well the first nun had a stroke! Then the second nun had a stroke as well. The third nun wouldn’t touch it.

***

The wife stormed into the pub last night, as the boys and I were downing shots of tequila.
“You’re coming home right now.” she yelled.
“No I’m not!” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

***

I told my wife I was going to pick up Beer and Pizza on my way home.
She probably regrets letting me name our sons.

***

I’m just going to put an Out Of Order sticker on my forehead, and call it a day.

***

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank.
He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.
When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.

He went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor, I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.”
The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.
“Out of curiosity” the coastguard asked, “What did it taste like?”
The fisherman replied, ”Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”