Working One-Liners

 

CAUTION: To avoid serious injury….
….Don’t tell me how to do my job

A wise man once told his wife….
….NOTHING, because he was a wise man.

April showers may bring May flowers, but what do Mayflowers bring?….
….Pilgrims.

The fastest land mammal is….
….a toddler who’s been asked what’s in his mouth.

Parenting is a lot getting up….
….once you’ve sat down.

It’s pretty wild that we used to eat cake….
….after someone had blown on it.

I need a leaf-blower….
….but for people.

My personal style is best described as….
….”I didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

When this virus is all over….
….I still want some of you to stay away from me.

I miss being at work….
….complaining about not wanting to be at work.

I just realized….
….My trash goes out more than I do.

Boobytrap, spelled backwards….
….is partyboob.

Don’t spell part backwards….
….It’s a trap.

I still can’t believe that some people’s survival instincts….
….made them grab toilet paper.

Only 6 dwarves are left….
….Sneezy has been quarantined.

One minute you are young and wild…
…The next, you’re into air fryers.

A big nose is no excuse not to wear a mask….
….I mean, I still wear underwear.

I hear that the government is putting chips into people….
….I hope I get tortilla chips.

I’m sorry I’m late….
….I got here as soon as I wanted to.

Wanna see social distancing?….
….Lend somebody some money.

Welcome to today’s episode of….
….Now what??!

Doctor: You need to listen to your body….
….Body: You’re old, and you want queso.

My favorite way to online shop?….
….I just yell out what I want and wait for an ad to pop up.

My yoga pants….
….have never been to yoga.

I used to be a crastinator….
….Then I decided to go Pro.

Marriage Can Be Humorous

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.  I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”  “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.  “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”  She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

***

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City.  He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B. With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?  He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted. “Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.” Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?” The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.” He mused on that information for a minute and said: “Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?” “A Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”

***

The wife crashed the car today – again.  She told the police that the guy she ran into was on his cellphone, and drinking a beer.
The police told her that he can do whatever he wants in his own living-room.

***

The COVID conspiracy-theory nuts insist that the Government is trying to inject nano-bots into us to track and trace all of us.

The government has denied this.  They say that they would never do that to law-abiding citizens.  They know who the trouble-makers are by their phone conversations and Internet browser histories and credit card histories and the satellite imagery of their houses, and data extracted from their birth records, passports, immigration and emigration records; so rest assured, they have identified who not to track. They only track all the other poor fools.

***

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies’ Night Club.  One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a ten-dollar bill.  When the male dancer came over to us, she licked the bill, and stuck it to one of his ass cheeks.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a twenty-dollar bill.  She called the guy back, licked the twenty, and stuck it to the other butt cheek.  In another attempt to impress the rest of us, a third friend whipped out a $50 bill, called the dancer back, and licked the bill.  I was worried about the way things were going, but she just stuck it to one of his butt-cheeks.  My relief was short-lived.

Seeing how things were going, the guy gyrated over to me.  Now all the attention was on me, and the guy was egging me on to top the $50.  My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet!!?  What could I do?

The woman in me took over.  I took out my debit card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home.

***

I worked with a guy who just irritated everyone in the shop.  Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear.  He must have suspected that he was annoying, because he asked a co-worker, “Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?”
The guy replied, “It saves time.”

Pi-Liners

In honor of Pi Day, here are three and one/seventh jokes about it.

An opinion without 3.14….
….Is just an onion

I know all the digits of Pi….
….Just not in order.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?….
….FAT!  You get fat.

My wife is irrational, and her problems are never-ending….
….She was born on Pi day.

Why should you not start talking to Pi at a party?….
….Because it just goes on forever.

What do you get when you divide a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?….
….Pumpkin Pi.

What do you get when a bunch of sheep stand around in a circle?….
….Shepherd’s Pi.

Why did Pi fail its driving test?….
….It didn’t know when to stop.

The moon is not made of green cheese….
….It’s Pi in the sky

What’s the best way to visualize infinity?….
….With a Pi chart.

What TV show can help you grasp infinite numbers?….
….Magnum P.I.

What’s the ideal way to serve Pi?….
….Ala mode.  Anything less is mean.

Don’t let advanced mathematics intimidate you….
….It’s as easy as Pi.

I’m very much like Pi….
….I could go on with this silly math humor forever.

The local pie shop almost never closes….
….It’s open 22/7.

I don’t know why people get so excited about Pi Day….
….It’s completely irrational.

Why is Pi lucky in romance?….
….Because its love is infinite, and non-repeating.

My math teacher watched Life Of Pi for the first time….
….She gave it 3.14 stars.

Why isn’t Pi on Twitter?….
….Because even 280 characters isn’t enough to express itself.

I can recite Pi….
….Apple, pecan, cherry, peach, blueberry.

The worst thing about getting hit in the face with Pi….
….Is that it never ends.

In honor of Pi day….
….I’m going to be irrational all day.

A survey says that Pi Day is the third-most under-rated holiday….
….I’m sure it’s a little more than that.

As I sit here eating my Pi Day pie, I’m also looking forward to Tau Day….
….Then my desserts will have come full circle.

They say that today is Pi day….
….But to me, it will always be cake day.

Want to see all the decimal digits of Pi?….
….They are (0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9).  There are no others.

What language should we speak on Pi Day?….
….Sine language.

What’s the difference between two 10” pizzas, and one 14” pizza?….
….One Pi.

A Pi compliment….
….My, you look radian today.

I tried to argue with the Priests of Pi….
….But they rely on circular logic.

3.14% of all sailors….
….Are Pi rates.

***

’21 A To Z Challenge – T

The theme for this week’s A To Z Challenge has been graciously supplied by Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.

TUMULTUOUS

Full of tumult or riotousness; marked by disturbance and uproar
raising a great clatter and commotion; disorderly or noisy
highly agitated, distraught, turbulent

If Harry just wanted a continuous supply of sex with gorgeous young women, he could have taken some tips from his uncle, Randy Prince Andy – parties, mansions, booze and drugs, some grooming and coercion, a bit of physical force, and, failing all that, boatloads of 100 Pound notes.

But Harry seemed to want to get married and settle down.  If that was his plan, he picked the wrong woman.  Actually, this brazen little, attention-seeking, gold-digger purposely picked him – and Meghan is not the ‘settling down’ type.  He is apparently getting some sex, but she is just leading him around by his….  nose.

She runs their life using the Brittany Spears Career Handbook – a minor catastrophe each week, and a more major meltdown every month – anything to keep them her in the public eye.  Watching her stick-handle their social and marital relationships, (That’s a Canuck hockey reference, eh.) is like watching the shining silver sphere in an Elton John pinball machine.

They’re in Britain!
They’re in the US!
They flutter into Canada just long enough to give the residents of British Columbia some false hope!
They’re on the West Coast!
They’ve moved to the East Coast!
They’re in the news!
They’re on TV!
They’re in court!

Lights flash, bells ring out, digit counters scroll upwards, but when it all eventually goes down the drain, nothing has really happened.  Then she pushes the reload plunger to bring up the next week’s controversy.  It’s enough to make the Kardashians look relevant.

It looks like I’m done with this rant.  See you again soon.   😀

Swimming In The OCD Ocean

I can’t dress myself!  Oh, I can put clothing on my body – but pick what to wear??  Shortly after I got married, my wife proved to me that, like many other newly-wed men, I was incapable of choosing acceptable attire.  I haven’t bought myself a piece of clothing in over 54 years.

We have agreed on black jeans for normal, casual wear.  For the mix-and-match polo shirts that go with them, her system for choosing to purchase seems to be based on – Ooh, I love that color – Ooh, I like the collar on that, and – Ooh, they’re on sale.  We’ll get one in all four colors.

She was doing laundry one day, and asked me to check my closet for any empty hangers that would be needed to hang them up after drying.  I opened the closet, and it was FULL of polo shirts – How many??! – 32!!  How can I possibly have 32 shirts left, on the day she’s doing laundry??  Not having done laundry in two weeks, she had another 10 in the wash.

When she buys me new shirts, she says, “I’ll throw out all the old, threadbare ones to make room.”  With 42 shirts in the rotation, how would any of them become threadbare?

I was wearing a particular shirt one day.  She commented, “I haven’t seen that shirt in a while.”  I responded, “You should see it every couple of months.  I put shirts into the closet on the left, and take them out to wear, from the right.”  “Wellll… You’ve got some shirts that I don’t like, so I go into your closet and move them around, so that you won’t wear them.”

Wait!!  You do what??!  You purchase all my shirts, and there are some that you don’t like??!  No wonder I can’t choose any that she likes.  She doesn’t even like the ones that she picks.  Must be the ones with the OOH collars.  And she goes into my closet and curates my clothing??!    😯

She does throw out threadbare shirts – right when she shouldn’t.  At the old auto parts plant, the windows were one short step up from kitchen sieves.  During a winter cold snap, temps on the floor could drop into the 60s, or even 50s F.  I had 10 thick, warm work tee-shirts – 5 each for two weeks till she did laundry.  In the summer, with no A/C and lots of hot vinyl, many days I worked in the 90s F.  I had 10 thin, threadbare shirts.

As cold weather approached one winter, I put away the thin, summer shirts.  At our first heat-wave in April, I went to pull them back out – but couldn’t find them.  “Honey, do you know where my summer tee-shirts are?”  “Oh, they were all so thin, and they had little holes and picks in them, so I just threw them all out.  Just wear the good, thick, heavy ones.  They cover you better, anyway.”  I can’t even go out and buy thin, cool shirts.

The poor dear probably doesn’t even notice what she’s doing, and does it with the best of intentions and my welfare and best interests at heart.  A guy could die from all that love.  I’ll be wearing a clean shirt when you return in a couple of days – solid colors only – no stripes, spots, or Canadian plaid.  Tell me if you like the collar.   😉

I Say! That’s Amusing.

The 3 hardest things to say:

I was wrong.
I need help.
Worcestershire Sauce

***

Two friends are driving through a town…

They see a billboard saying:

Vodka + water = kidney problems;
Rum + water = liver problems;
Whiskey + water = heart issues;
Gin + water = brain damage;

Says one to the other “Dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town”

***

The air in my apartment was so dry that we were getting shocked every time we touched a faucet or door knob. So, was I happy that my landlord finally installed a humidifier?

I was ecstatic!

***

There are many problems with math puns.
Calculus jokes are mostly derivative.
Trigonometry jokes are too graphic.
Algebra jokes are usually formulaic
Arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

***

After seven girls, a couple finally have a boy.  The next day, a friend visits them in the maternity ward.  He asks, “So, which side of the family does he look like?”
They look at each other, and the Mother finally replies,  “We haven’t looked at his face yet.”

***

Joe: “My girlfriend told me she’s splitting from me.”
Pete: “Why is she splitting?”
Joe: “She told me she was tired of me pretending I am a detective.”
Pete: “What did you say to her?”
Joe: “I told her splitting up was good, we could cover more ground.”

***

I was digging in the garden when I discovered a chest filled with gold coins.  I was going to run into the house and tell my wife….
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

***

The Prime Minister of Canada visited a kindergarten and asked them, “How much is the budget for each child’s food consumption per month?”
They told him: “$400.”

He said: “That is a lot. “ so they reduced it to $ 300.  Then he visited the prisons and asked them: “How much is the prisoner’s food budget per month?”
They told him: “$400 sir.”

He said, “That is too little!  Increase it to $1000!”

A minister accompanying him was appalled by the PM’s strange decision, so he asked him.  “Honourable PM, I am curious. Why reduce the budget for food for the kindergarten children but increase the allowance for the prisoners?”

The PM replied: “Do you really think that after leaving the Government service, people like us would end up in the kindergarten?”

***

A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?” “Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.” “Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?” “I had to call the doctor!”

Perfect One-Liners

A perfectionist walked into a bar….
….Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

My professor accused me of plagiarism….
….His words, not mine.

During the COVID pandemic….
….Is not the time to surround yourself with positive people.

I’m in an open marriage….
….I just found out.

How do you stop a bull from charging?….
….You just unplug it.

The leading cause of dry skin….
….Is towels.

My wife and I had this long, pointless argument about which vowel is most important….
….I won.

People say that time is money….
….I don’t buy that for a second.

My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl….
….I said, No, I didn’t know he could.

I got assaulted by a mime for having a spasm….
….He thought I was heckling.

I wish everything was as easy as….
….Getting fat.

I asked my therapist if driving my car 100 MPH was an emotional problem….
….She asked me to pay two weeks in advance.

My wife says she’s going to leave me because of my addiction to poker….
….But I think she’s bluffing.

What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet?….
….A desserter.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations….
….And you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The trouble with learning from experience….
….Is that you never graduate.

Wait! One day at a time….
….Like, FOREVER??!

I tried starting up a hot-air balloon company….
….But it never took off.

I’m great at multi-tasking….
….I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate, all at once.

My wife said, “Look at this.  I haven’t worn this in years, and it still fits.”….
….I said, “It’s a scarf.”

If only Sarcasm….
….Burned calories

Fibbing Friday – III

My teeth are like the stars.  They come out at night.
With a smile and a wave to Pensitivity101, and The Usual Gang of Idiots who compose these lists, this is my most recent chance to lie through my teeth.  I just blow gently, as they sit beside my hot chocolate.
1. What is a tie dye?

That’s what might happen to me, if I try to self-accessorize.  My wife, the Mistress (or is that distress?) of circumlocution says, “Are you wearing that?” – which means, ‘I may have to strangle you with that tie, because I would dye of embarrassment if you went out in public with it on.’
I quickly reply, ‘This??!  Uh, no!  This must have been right beside the one I should have picked.  Why don’t you grab it for me, Honey?’
2. What is a raglan sleeve?

That’s what’s on some of my older gently-used tee-shirts.  I don’t want to say that I am old – and cheap – but I’ve watched silent movies in some of them.  Now, if I don’t keep an eye on them, the wife makes them into muscle shirts by ripping the sleeves off, and using them to dust.
3. What is seersucker?

That was the last suit I purchased, before we were married.  Seers Sears sold it, and a sucker bought it.


4. What is meant by a dropped waist?

All those stops at the French fry trucks had to have some consequences.  The doctor told me to watch my weight…. so I put it out in front, where I can keep an eye on it.  I put a roof over the tool-shed.
5. What is a yoke collar?

See number 1, above.  Wifey says, ‘You think you’re going to wear a tie with little dollar signs and dollar bills to the funeral of a Catholic nun who swore an oath of poverty??  Is that some kind of yoke joke?’
6. What is meant by pigeon toed?

That’s the hottest, most recent, culinary trend, already replacing smash-burgers.  Instead of the usual turners, cooks are using three-prong garden scuffles to flip patties.  It leaves a birds-foot-like impression, and three holes that cheese can melt and sink into.
7. How many pleats are in a kilt?

I don’t know about you, but I just need one big one, in the front.
8. What is bias binding?

That was an explicit BDSM passage from 50 Shades of Grey.  And then he put a blindfold on her, and fed her strawberries as she lay on the floor….  No, no!  That was from 9-1/2 Weeks.
9. What is Velcro?

I’m not sure.  Why don’t you stick around while I do a bit of quick research?  Don’t tear yourselves away.
10. What is twill webbing?

That’s an adroit, multi-tasking Scotsman, surfing the Internet while playing the bagpipes.

 

Shine A Cold Light On Comedy

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

***

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”

He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

***

A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.

“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “And the one on the right is where I go to church.”

“So what about that hut in the middle?”

The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”

***

An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde, I started lusting, Father.”

“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”

“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”

The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”

“I’ve never come. This is my first.”

“How is this your first confession?”

“I’m Jewish.”

“Then… why are you telling me all this?”

“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”

The Jokes Just Suit Me

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”

“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

***

An employee went to see his supervisor. “Boss,” he said, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me for some help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re shorthanded,” the boss replied. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks boss,” said the employee. “I knew I could count on you!”

***

“What’s that piece of cord tied around your finger for?”
“My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office.”
“And did you mail it?”
“No, she forgot to give me the letter.”

***

I was desperately trying to get my wife’s attention.  So I sat down on the couch, and looked comfortable; that seemed to do the trick.

***

A wife walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies.” he replied.
“Oh, kill any?”
“Yeah!  Three males and two females.”
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell the difference?”
“Three were on a beer can, and two were on the telephone.”

***

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, “I can make this putt.”

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

—–

My drama queen teenage daughter was recounting to my seemingly uninterested husband what she deemed a near-death experience and concluded the story with, “And I think I saw my life flash before my eyes.”
Without a moment’s hesitation, my husband replied, “Wow! That must have been a sad short story.”

—–

Just helped my neighbor throw a rolled up carpet in the dumpster…
Her boyfriend would have helped but he is out of town.