MAY THE LORD GRANT ME:
THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THOSE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THOSE THINGS THAT I CAN CHANGE.
AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT I HAD TO KILL,
BECAUSE THEY REALLY PISSED ME OFF!!
****
It Pays To Advertise
A woman about seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling, so she indignantly moved. This time, the man’s expression changed to a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the conductor, and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court, and the judge asked the man if he had anything to say. He said, “Well Your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the street car, I could not help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that read ‘The Gold Dust Twins Are Coming Soon’, and I had to smile. Then she sat under a sign that said ‘Sloan’s Liniment Will Reduce The Swelling’.
Then she placed herself under a sign that read ‘Williams Big Stick Did The Trick’, and I could hardly control myself. When she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read ‘Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident’ I laughed out loud.”
THE JUDGE DISMISSED THE CASE!
***
Break Time
Four union workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was a United Auto Worker, who said his dog could do math calculation. His dog was named T-Square, and the owner told him to go to the blackboard and draw a circle, a square, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The United Steel Workers member thought his dog was better. His dog, named Slide-rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into 4 piles of 3, which Slide-rule did with no problem.
The Oil, Chemical and Atomic Workers member said, that was good, but he felt his dog was even better. His dog, named Measure, was told to go get a quart of milk, and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three agreed that this was very good, and all the dogs were smart.
They all turned to the Teamsters member, and said, “What can your dog do?” The Teamsters member called his dog, which was named Coffee Break, and said, “Show the fellows what you can do!” Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, and screwed the other three dogs. Then he claimed he had injured his back, filed for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.
***
As we get older, we need to be more aware of medical terminology.
MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Anally – Occurring yearly
Artery – Study of paintings
Bacteria – The back door to the cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel – Letters like A, E, I, O and U
Caesarean Section – An area in Rome
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Colic – A sheep dog
Congenital – Friendly
D & C – Where Washington is
Diarrhea – Journal of daily events
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker
Fibula – A small lie
G.I. Series – Soldiers ball game
Grippe – Suitcase
Hangnail – Coat hook
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Medical Staff – Doctor’s cane
Morbid – Higher offer
Nitrate – Cheaper than day rate
Node – Was aware of
Outpatient – Somebody who has fainted
Pap Smear – Fatherhood test
Pelvis – Cousin of Elvis
Placenta – Christmas flower
Post Operative – Letter carrier
Prostate – Flat on your back
Protein – Favoring young people
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Damn near killed ‘em
Rheumatic – Amorous
Sear – Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion – Hiding anything
Seizure – Roman Emperor
Serology – Study of Knighthood
Tablet – Small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Tibia – A country in North Africa
Tumor – An extra pair
Urine – Opposite of yer out
Varicose – Located nearby
Vein – Conceited
Archon's Den 