Superstitious Fibbing Friday

It was Friday the 13th so last week, Pensitivity101’s selection was based on superstitions.

Make up your own reasons for these please:

  1. Why were people given middle names?

So that children could know just how pissed Mom was at them this time.
Margaret Elizabeth Robertson, you get in here this minute.

2. Why do we cover our mouths when we yawn?

To keep all the stupid from leaking out.

3. Why do we say ‘Bless You’ when somebody sneezes?

It’s a code phrase, meaning, Keep it down.  I’m trying to quietly enjoy a mint julep here.  One of my cats complains almost every time I sneeze.  It’s a ritual begun by vocally-impaired southern belles.  If a Georgia matriarch smiles, and says Bless you, or Bless your heart, you can translate it as F**k you very much.

4. Why do we wear a wedding ring on the third finger of the left hand?

Because, if we wore it on the middle finger, it would impair our ability to converse with taxi drivers and politicians.

5. What was the original use of wind chimes?

Obviously, to irritate those irritating neighbours.

6. What was the original purpose of bridesmaids?

It was a way to screw over poor Jacob, in the Bible, and get another 7 years of free labor from him, by substituting Rachel for Leah in the marriage-bed, following a drunken spirited wedding celebration.

7. What is the significance of the first butterfly of the year you see being white?

Probably that you live north of the Mason-Dixon Line, and you can thank your cotton-pickin’ lucky stars that you do.

  1. What does it mean if your right ear itches?

That you’re going to have to listen to another fool, and probably kiss your pension goodbye.

9. Why is Good Friday a good day to cut your hair?

For forty days, you’ve been cut off from good food and drink, and maybe even sex.  Cutting off a little hair is the thing you’ll feel and miss the least.

10. What should you give a friend who gives you a knife as a gift?

A wide berth!  😳

First And Ten Fibbing Friday

Here I go with Pensitivity101’s first ten (in the second week) of 2023:

1. Aurora Borealis is also known as

Ashley Carbonera, but only by people who knew her before she became a famous porn star.

  1. Who was Farouk Balsara?

He was a Syrian refugee who sneaked into the UK by floating across the English Channel on a raft he built, using plans he got off the internet from some Colombian who floated into the USA.

  1. Chasing Cars is by which group?

The Stray Dogs, before they changed the name of the group to The Stray Cats.

  1. What is Detritus?

That was Baskin & Robbins 32th flavor of ice cream.

  1. Eggplant is also known as

The colour of Elton John’s favorite pair of shoes.

  1. Who is Filbert Fox?

He is/was the best friend of Gilbert Grape, in the movie adaptation of his life story.

  1. Gentoo is a what?

The family who run my local “Curry In A Hurry” outlet.  😳  I stop there every time after my mandatory sensitivity training sessions.

  1. Rutabaga is also called

A Swede, by many Brits, until Sweden found out about it, and threatened to stop exporting Volvos, Saabs, and replacement mobile phone parts to England, unless it stops.  The Scots also have a derogatory term for Swedes, but no-one can understand what they’re saying, so the Swedes just assume they’re drunk – as usual.

  1. What is IPlayer?

He’s the thoroughly-modern male who relies on his electronics to get lucky in love.  He has swiped right so many times, the notches on his bedpost are threatening to collapse it in mid-tryst.  Ooh, kinky!

  1. Jambo is a greeting in which language?

India Elephant – in African elephant, it’s Tantor.

Supply-Chain Fibbing Friday

Pensitiviy101 passed the buck again.  Questions this past week were supplied by Jim Adams @ https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/
Thanks Jim!

Early Humans

  1. What are Neanderthals?

They are the white-skinned descendants of ancient caveman savages – with very little evolution or improvement.  They are hairy, loud, thoughtless and inconsiderate.  Good Queen Bess II once referred to them as jumped-up oiks.  They wear their pants pulled down so far that their underwear hangs out – We’re probably lucky that they wear any, and that it’s clean, not gigantic plumber’s cracks.  They listen to rap music, while Negroes point and laugh at them, and think they’re Bad Boys.

  1. Why did man settle in the Euphrates Valley?

Mankind found a peyote-like shrub, and the best bud – after they discovered fire to smoke it with.  When Manolito set up a taco wagon, selling Mexican food and cervezas, they all decided to just sit back and chill out.

  1. What caused the Ice age?

I’m not sure.  I remember my Mother yelling at me to close the refrigerator door.  No-one has put any new food in it since you last checked, five minutes ago!  At the same time, my Father was yelling at my Brother, “Close the damned front door!  We can’t afford to heat the entire neighbourhood!”

  1. What kind of water is in the Yellow River?

The Isle of Dogs sits in the middle of it – lots of trees – lots of dogs – you do the math – just don’t eat yellow snow.

  1. What is the world’s oldest city?

I believe that it’s Tampa, Florida, where the average age is 92.683 years, blue hair is as common as fire ants, and they all eat some strange poultry dish called the Early Bird.

  1. Why did the Nile River rise every summer, overflow its banks, and flood Egypt?

Simple physics!  Heat causes thing to expand.  The summer is even hotter, so the water expanded.  The sand dunes got bigger too, but no-one noticed.  If you’ve seen one sand dune, you’ve seen…. Egypt.  😳

  1. Who invented soap?

Many people think that it was Proctor and Gamble, but it was really a Wall Street advertising firm whose name has been lost in the mists of time a froth of bubbles, and a blizzard of hundred-dollar bills in promotional fees.  Duz does everything, and Ajax was stronger than dirt.

  1. Why did Nimrod build the Tower of Babel?

He said that it was to get a better Wi-Fi connection, but I heard that his wife told him the mother-in-law was coming for an extended visit, and he needed someplace peaceful and quiet to re-string his bow.  (If you think that’s a euphemism for something, you’re probably phallically right.)

  1. Who is the Scorpion King?

Duh-Wayne Johnson!  Didn’t you see the movie??  He’s taking over Chuck Norris’s spot.  Someone asked him how he got the nickname, ‘The Rock?’  He took a run at a lake, and skipped 15 times.

  1. Why was the Great Pyramid built?

It was a practice session for I. M. Pei, for that monstrosity he inflicted on the Louvre and its patrons.  I don’t see the point of either.  He says that it’s because I’m too small.

Eight Teen Fibbing Fridays

Every time I publish one of these, Pensitivity101 emails me a calendar.  Ever since that Mayan one didn’t work, I don’t really care anymore.  Procrastination is the only project that I’ve ever started on time.  And now, without further adieu, here’s another friggin’ Fibbing Friday list.

1.What kind of dog was Lassie?

Lassie was a boy dog with a girl’s name.  Because of that, he was a lightning-rod for, and the local distributor of, bad luck and karma.  Timmy got lost in the woods??  Lassie was there.  Timmy fell down a well??  Lassie was there.  Timmy was trapped in a burning barn??  Lassie was there!  I’d have traded him in for a hedgehog, or at least got his name legally changed.

2. Who was Toto’s owner?

He was the mascot for the band, Kansas.  He was even smart enough to play drums for them for a while, but he lost his edge, and started dogging it, and they had to let him go.  They said, “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

3. What breed of dog was Beethoven?

He was a Dutch Chocolate Labrador Retriever.  He had a minor role in the movie, Amadeus.  He played a harpsichord – but it took a lot of prosthetics and makeup.

4. Who was Goofy’s best buddy?

I was, for a while.  We were both in that Dumb And Dumber movie together, but the string on our tin-can telephone broke, and he never calls me anymore.

5. How many dogs starred in The Incredible Journey?

None!  They both think that they were stars, but it was really the cat that made the movie.  Without his wise guidance, Arf and Woof would still be wandering around, looking for a fire hydrant.  Focus guys!  Focus!

6. What made Superdog super?

He ate some chili con carne that Walter White made up, on the TV series, Breaking Bad, the day of “the incident.  Between the hot peppers and the meth, ANYTHING was possible – higher, faster, longer.

7. What is meant by Dogma?

That is narrow-minded, non-critical-thinking claims made by religious fundagelicals.  My Karma ran over their Dogma.

8. What is ‘flyball’?

That’s the mess of insects that you accumulate when you hang sticky insect strips in the cheap two-week vacation cottage that you rent.

9. Who introduced ‘WALKIES!’ into their training programmes?

The now-ex-pitching coach of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team.  The strike zone is 17 inches wide, and about two feet high.  Would it be too much to ask, to get the guys to put the ball through that, once in a while??  They were giving so many opponents a base on balls, that it looked like the world’s slowest conga line.

10. What is frontline used for?

That’s a product also known as Invisible Fence.  It’s a cable that you bury at the edge of your property, which emits a radio signal.  You put a collar on your dog with a receiver.  If he/she gets too close, they get tasered behind the ear.  Now, if I could just slip a couple of those on that Jehovah’s Witness pair who keep waking my dogs and me on Saturday mornings….

’22 A To Z Challenge – R

 

 

It’s said that the Inuit have 19 different words for snow.  Not to be outdone, the British have at least that many words for the concept of

RAIN

I use the word ‘rain’, loosely and generically, to depict moisture in the air.  Each word is a hairsbreadth away from its mates, in describing the exact level of cold, damp, and discomfort produced.  Fog can be from light enough to safely land an airplane, to Pea Soup, which is so thick that you can break your nose, walking into a lamppost.

As the water particles become larger, and more likely to descend as precipitation, the British lexicon progresses from fog, to mist, to mizzle, to drizzle, to showers, to rain.  But it doesn’t stop there.  Brits variously describe their rain as, downpour, drencher, soaker, toad-strangler and kerb-cleaner.

Not to be left out, the Scottish language has generously donated the word

RAWKY

which means foggy, misty, cold and dreary.  If you’ve watched the James Bond movie Skyfall, when he retreats to his family’s Scottish estate, you’ll have caught a glimpse of it.  During this past summer, the BBC, and the police, received a spate of panicked calls from concerned citizens who had witnessed a strange glowing orb in the sky, and feared they were being invaded by space aliens.  They were reassured when told that it was merely the sun.  It does come out and shine – occasionally.

***

Any too-brief post about R, can only benefit from the inclusion of a reference to my Mountain Ash-tree strong GREAT-grandson

ROWEN

He, and his wardrobe of knitted clothes, and his vocabulary, and his curiosity, are all growing by leaps and bounds.  Like many other young lads, he appears to have only two settings, a squirrel-on-meth, Nature’s version of a perpetual-motion machine, and, like a switch was thrown, a somnolence, a catalepsy so swift, that he can fall asleep while putting food in his mouth – at which point, at least one grateful parent often joins him in a brief nap.

Tune in again in a couple of days for Smitty’s Bible-Study seminar.  Remember to bring your King James Version, and fasten your seatbelt.  👿

Non-PC Humor

During last night’s high winds, an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Kitchener City Council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.

***

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghani guy standing on a fifth-floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

***

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”
To which the call center employee replied,
“Remain calm and stay on the line.”

***

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.

A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together …….. and then crap on your car.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

***

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment, he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old, disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
“The balcony”…….

😯

***

Addicted To One-Liners

Extra!  Extra!  Getcher bonus edition of jokes here!

I’m addicted to seaweed….
….I must seek kelp.

I love the idea of shutting up….
….I just don’t think it’s for me.

Always give 100%….
….unless you’re donating blood.

Just baked a synonym bun….
….just like the ones grammar used to bake.

Want to hear a joke?  Sleep….
….Yeah, I don’t get it either.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle….
….I guess they were having an AA-meeting.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction….
….My money’s on Dave.

My struggle with steroid addiction….
….has only made me stronger.

My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…
….I told him to calm down and not to fret.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants….
….Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.

I’ve been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years….
….I keep telling people I’m trying to quit cold turkey, but nobody is taking me seriously.

If your phone doesn’t ring….
….it’s me.

No-one is more full of shit….
….than a parent who just said maybe.

In the insomnia Olympics….
….you snooze – you lose.

Monday is the beginning of Diarrhea-Awareness Week….
….It runs till Friday.

My wife claimed that 40 is the new 30….
….Lovely woman….banned from driving.

Iron Man stops the bad guys….
….Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

I sent my hearing aids out for repair three weeks ago….
….I haven’t heard anything since.

A yawn is….
….a silent scream for coffee

I never faked….
….a sarcasm in my life.

Lyrical Fibbing Friday

This That week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know who could have written these 5 books or sung these 5 songs?

  1. From Here to Eternity.

It’s a publication found in any government bureaucratic service (Hah!) department, like the DMV.  By the time you read your way completely through it, you might be able to see the front of the line.
2. The Glass Mountain.

I. M. Pei, and he should be ashamed of himself. Going to the Louvre now is like going to hear a Bach concerto, and having AC/DC as the opening act.
3. The Shining.

The scullery maid in Downton Abbey, always busy polishing the silver – knives, forks, spoons, serving trays, teapots, candlesticks – it’s a never-ending job.
4. Little Women.

It is a communally-written biography by all 17 Kardashian mother and daughters.  It is regarded as high satire – by everyone except them.
An embarrassment of riches
Too much of a good thing
“O, wad  some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An’ foolish notion.”

  1. Pride and Prejudice.

Donald Trump, with a preface from Vladimir Putin

  1. I want it all

Mark Zuckerberg
7. Bat out of Hell

The local idiot who just got caught by the police, doing three times the speed limit, coming into the city.  Police claim that he was doing 200 Kmh in a 50 Kmh zone.  His defense was that he was only doing 150.  His car was impounded for 14 days.  He summarily lost his driving license for 30 days.  His court case may cost him $1000s in fines, and a further year’s suspension.  Aside from risking his life, and everyone else on the roads, he lends unwelcome justification to the Go Slow – Be Safe, do-gooder crowd.

They’ve already profaned innumerable city streets with speed bumps, chicanes, plastic Slow Down stakes in the middle of already narrow residential roads, rows of them stealing car lanes for bicyclists, rarer than blue moons.  They want to reduce the city speed limit from 50 Kmh to 40, the limit in school zones from 40 Kmh to 30, and now there’s a vocal group campaigning for, “Twenty Is Plenty.”  This will be the reason I’m late for my own funeral.
8. Space Oddity

The guy who started building his own house by erecting this frame.
9. Help!

That would be me, loudly and (not so) proudly, any given day that I’m blogging.  The Luddite support group called up to revoke my membership.  If it’s anything more complex than putting one word behind another, or sticking a picture in a post to demonstrate what my prose leaves murky, I am thankful that the wife took advantage of a government program to learn seven different computer programs.  She can make this PC sit up and beg for RAM.
10. For Your Eyes Only.

That shining scullery maid above, lied.  She does have a bit of free time, and she often spends it with the studly stable-boy.  She’s been known to drop her pinafore and let him curry her withers a bit.  Not wanting to be thought, “loose,” she assures him that the nicely rounded view is, For Your Eyes Only.  A new Papal decree says that priests and nuns can neck a little, they just can’t get into the habit.

’22 A To Z Challenge – O

I’ve been told to try to keep my posts family-friendly.  This post will be suitable for the Manson family, or the older, nearer Black Donnelly family.  I damned near shit a brick, a couple of years ago, when my son casually told me that, “They let Charles Manson out of prison.”  When I’d caught my breath, he continued, “It was feet first, but they let him out.”

I get a kick, listening to Christian Apologists loudly, firmly, declaiming in a religious debate, when it becomes obvious that they don’t know what they are talking about, and are wrong, but they desperately won’t accept it.  Today’s off-color word is

ONANISM

As The Princess Bride movie told us, I don’t think that means what you think it means.  Masturbation is not high on the list of Christian talking points, but it does get mentioned by a certain group.  From the time of the Bible, a faction of deeply insecure, (mostly) men, believe that there is some mystical power in sperm, and that it is a sin to ‘waste it on the ground,’ and rail about the evils of masturbation.

Strangely, this group usually also denounces female masturbation, even though there is no sperm involved.  They just don’t want anybody else to get some enjoyment, if they’re too tight-assed to get some themselves.  What are you using for birth control??  So far, just my personality.  They call it self-abuse, as if pain or physical damage were being inflicted.

The term originates with the story of Onan, who was forced to marry, and mate with, his brother’s widow.  Not wanting any possible child of his dead brother to be thought to be his, he withdrew at the point of ejaculation, and ‘spilled his seed upon the ground.’

I DON’T THINK THAT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.

Therefore, Onanism is not the masturbation that Good Christians condemn, but rather, coitus interruptus.  I recently listened to a female caller denounce birth control, because she felt that, “All life is sacred, from conception to death.”  Hello!!!  Have you seen the definition of CONTRACEPTION’???!  Trance gender isn’t allowed by God – No, but stupidity and illiteracy are.

I was watching Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball yesterday, and there was a wrist injury – but I’ll be okay to post again in a couple of days.  C U then.   😉  😎

XXXV Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 is in a silly mood this week so she decided to invite us to mix and match.
Fictional characters or real people, who would you pair the following with? If you wish, you could give your reasons.

Interviewer;  If you could have dinner with anybody, alive or dead, who would you choose?
Beauty-Contest Blonde;  The live one.

  1. William Shakespeare

Daniel Webster.  As fast as Will With a Quill could make up new words, old Danny Boy could put them in the dictionary.
2. Donald Trump

I was going to pair The Donald, and BoJo, but that’s Dumb And Dumber double jeopardy.  If Dashing Don doesn’t get smart and learn to keep his mouth shut, I’ve located a wholesale importer of Personal Lube that he’s gonna need when he gets sent to Club Fed.
3. Margaret Thatcher

I asked both The Rock, and Jason Momoa, if they would be interested in being her escort, but they both said that she was a better man than either of them.  Instead, I found a SCA armourer who could keep her in steel underpants.
4. Peter Piper

Not that Charlie Brown!  This Charlie Brown!    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbBr2bgAbcM
Why’s Peter Piper always pickin’ on me??!
5. Gordon Ramsay

If Iron Lady Thatcher’s armourer wasn’t too busy, perhaps we could get him to fashion the equivalent of a chastity belt for Ramsay’s tongue, and be able to dine in peace and quiet
6. Jessica Rabbit

Jessica said that she wasn’t really bad, she was just drawn that way, so I would swipe her left with James Dean – the ultimate Bad Boy.
7. Boris Johnson

These guys won’t hang out with him anymore because they claim he stole their act.  He could use a good cartographer to chart his course into political obscurity.  Donald Trump’s hairdresser is free, as is the guy who never got a chance to build that Mexican wall.  BoJo could have him start one at Dover to keep the Eurotrash out of Avalon.
8. Einstein

If we introduced Steven Hawking to Einstein, perhaps he could teach the old dog some new quantum tricks.  If the battery in Hawking’s voice synthesizer didn’t run out of juice, they could discuss The Whichness of the Why until a philosophical black hole formed, and we all rotated into an alternate reality where Woke, and Cancel Culture didn’t exist.
9. Wolverine

He could form a Siskel and Ebert-type duo with Freddie Kruger, and create a podcast about the social significance of Charlie Chan movies.  There would be a lot of sharp dialog and pointed comments.
10. Worzel Gummidge.

I would introduce him to the Oz Scarecrow.  They could debate which one was outstanding in his field, which of them was just a stuffed shirt, who couldn’t keep it in his pants, and how to get a good roll in the hay.