Instead of waiting for pensitivity101, I sent her a list of topics to lie about and share with others. The email came back marked
Return To Sender
No Such Recipient
No such Address
So I guess I’ll just have to share these with lucky little you.
- How many years bad luck do you get if you break a mirror?
It depends on which one you break. Knock something off the counter and break the one in the wife’s purse, and the tornado should dissipate by tomorrow. Break a Hepplewhite one when she drags you out antiquing, and you’ll see a shattered image of two years’ savings disappearing.
2. What shouldn’t you walk under?
15.000 steps a day, if your wife put you on an exercise program, bought His and Hers Fitbits, and registered as your Friend. When she goes to bed early, I lie on the couch watching Netflix, hang my leg over the edge, and tap the floor. Next morning, See honey! Quota achieved!
3. Why are black cats crossing your path considered unlucky?
One of the reasons that we bought this marvelous old mini-mansion, was the big, stone fireplace in the main room…. Until a bat got in down the chimney, and our previously-white cat chased it through the ashes, and back out onto our new, previously-ivory Persian rug. 😳
4. Why do we ‘knock on wood’?
To be closer to our Maker.
Jesus was helping St. Peter at the Pearly Gate one day. A very old man shuffled up. St. Peter asked him what he had been on Earth. He replied that he had been a woodworker. Jesus looked closer and said, “Dad?” The old man peered back and said, “Pinocchio?”
5. Why are horseshoes considered lucky?
Know how to stop a runaway horse? Bet on him. I don’t know how they can run with those heavy steel things on their feet. Couldn’t we get them a couple of pair of nice, light Reeboks?
6. Why do we cross our fingers for good luck?
To keep the stupidity and gullibility from leaking out. This superstition stuff is all fake. I’m a Virgo. Us Virgos are highly skeptical and don’t believe in any of it.
7. Why is 13 considered an unlucky number?
Because there are only 12 slices in an extra-large pizza. Sorry bro, you got here too late. You’ll have to order another one – and while you’re out getting it, pick me up a six-pack of Heineken Dark, k?
8. On the other hand, why is 7 considered lucky?
If 7-11 is open 24-hours, why are there locks on the doors? 7 is the end of the overnight shift. If Apu hasn’t been beaten and robbed by some junkie by then, he considers himself lucky. I’ve never been robbed here at the Archon’s Den during any of my late-night shifts. I see those ne’er-do-wells slinking by in the dark. They look up and see me watching them, and put their dog between us.
9. What is signified by itchy hands?
You’ve been doing too much shopping, and slathering on that disinfectant at every store. I’m glad this COVID is almost over. My hands have absorbed more alcohol than I have.
10. Why should you not put shoes on the table?
With my wife’s cooking, the roasts are always so dry and tough, shoes could get sliced up and eaten without anyone even noticing.
It’s no wonder that Christian Apologists get their Bibles in a knot with me. It’s not that I’m an Atheist. It’s that I keep breaking the Thou shalt not tell a lie Commandment. Which one is that anyway?? The 14th??