Fibbing Friday 20/3

Instead of waiting for pensitivity101, I sent her a list of topics to lie about and share with others.  The email came back marked

Return To Sender
No Such Recipient
No such Address

So I guess I’ll just have to share these with lucky little you.

1. How many years bad luck do you get if you break a mirror?

It depends on which one you break.  Knock something off the counter and break the one in the wife’s purse, and the tornado should dissipate by tomorrow.  Break a Hepplewhite one when she drags you out antiquing, and you’ll see a shattered image of two years’ savings disappearing.

2. What shouldn’t you walk under?

15.000 steps a day, if your wife put you on an exercise program, bought His and Hers Fitbits, and registered as your Friend.  When she goes to bed early, I lie on the couch watching Netflix, hang my leg over the edge, and tap the floor.  Next morning, See honey!  Quota achieved!

3. Why are black cats crossing your path considered unlucky?

One of the reasons that we bought this marvelous old mini-mansion, was the big, stone fireplace in the main room….  Until a bat got in down the chimney, and our previously-white cat chased it through the ashes, and back out onto our new, previously-ivory Persian rug.  😳

4. Why do we ‘knock on wood’?

To be closer to our Maker.

Jesus was helping St. Peter at the Pearly Gate one day.  A very old man shuffled up.  St. Peter asked him what he had been on Earth.  He replied that he had been a woodworker.  Jesus looked closer and said, “Dad?”  The old man peered back and said, “Pinocchio?”

5. Why are horseshoes considered lucky?

Know how to stop a runaway horse?  Bet on him.  I don’t know how they can run with those heavy steel things on their feet.  Couldn’t we get them a couple of pair of nice, light Reeboks?

6. Why do we cross our fingers for good luck?

To keep the stupidity and gullibility from leaking out.  This superstition stuff is all fake.  I’m a Virgo.  Us Virgos are highly skeptical and don’t believe in any of it.

7. Why is 13 considered an unlucky number?

Because there are only 12 slices in an extra-large pizza.  Sorry bro, you got here too late.  You’ll have to order another one – and while you’re out getting it, pick me up a six-pack of Heineken Dark, k?

8. On the other hand, why is 7 considered lucky?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours, why are there locks on the doors?  7 is the end of the overnight shift.  If Apu hasn’t been beaten and robbed by some junkie by then, he considers himself lucky.  I’ve never been robbed here at the Archon’s Den during any of my late-night shifts.  I see those ne’er-do-wells slinking by in the dark.  They look up and see me watching them, and put their dog between us.

9. What is signified by itchy hands?

You’ve been doing too much shopping, and slathering on that disinfectant at every store.  I’m glad this COVID is almost over.  My hands have absorbed more alcohol than I have.

10. Why should you not put shoes on the table?

With my wife’s cooking, the roasts are always so dry and tough, shoes could get sliced up and eaten without anyone even noticing.

***

It’s no wonder that Christian Apologists get their Bibles in a knot with me.  It’s not that I’m an Atheist.  It’s that I keep breaking the Thou shalt not tell a lie Commandment.  Which one is that anyway??  The 14^th??

 

MAID Service

DON’T CUT ME OFF!

1Jaded1 recently asked about local views, and my opinion and views, on medically assisted suicide.  There’s very little mention, or pushback, here.  After all, we’re safe, sane Canada, not the Bible-thumping Southern Excited States.  Do whatever you please, just don’t scare the horses.

The issue does exist here.  Locally, it’s been given the cutesy acronym MAID – Medical Assistance In Dying.  I don’t know how far that label extends.  The very day she asked this question, an Op-Ed letter demanded that “death with dignity” access should be legally guaranteed, as a right.

I stand foursquare behind that.  I believe in the maximum of personal freedom.  I don’t feel that my bodily autonomy, or anyone else’s, should be violated by some do-gooder’s trumped-up morals.

HOWEVER!!!….

Be (VERY) careful what you wish for.  I can appreciate some people’s worry about the thin edge of the wedge, or the slippery slope.  Two days later, another Op-Ed letter arrived.  17 years ago, a man’s family and doctor fought him tooth and nail, to prevent him from accessing MAID.  With medication and psychotherapy, he is now a reasonably-functional citizen.  He was never promised that he would recover, but he now has hope.  He admits that he really didn’t want to die, he just didn’t want to live his nightmare any longer.

I am all for informed personal consent, but to ensure that cases like this do not occur, is going to require some administrative oversight. – a three-doctor panel?  This is where the bigots and the bureaucrats get their hooks in, and have a field day ruining running other people’s lives – as they see fit.

The same applies for gender-reassignment therapy.  INFORMED personal consent is paramount.  If little 8-year-old Billy wants to grow his hair down to his shoulders, and wear hair-bows, nylon panties and dresses, and call himherself Suzie – let IT!  Even non-bigot observers are rightly concerned when WOKE parents are authorizing treatments for pre-pubescent children.  You’re not even supposed to get a tattoo until you reach the age of majority – the age of informed personal consent!

Let Billy/Suzie live with the public fallout of the temporary decision for a while.  If he/she/it/they are still determined to go ahead, we can be reasonably assured that the choice is valid and duly considered.  Both these decisions have offices on a one-way street.  Once you start down it, there’s no turning back.  Considerable contemplation should be displayed, before a doctor is authorized to prescribe an overdose amount of Nembutal or Propofol, or before they lop Billy’s wiener off, and start pumping hormones in.

Pragmatically, especially on the suicide issue, I say go ahead – unless they’re directly related to me.  Earth’s population is now over 8 BILLION!  The overcrowded rats are beginning to nip at each other.  I can see you, Vladimir Putin.  I fear that a drastic reduction in population is going to occur anyway.  I can see you, COVID19, and all your mutant cousins.  A bunch of suicides might help reduce the social pressure by eliminating the emotionally inadaptable from the gene pool.

A lad from Montreal committed suicide on his 16^th birthday.  On the next anniversary, his distraught mother also committed suicide.  On the third anniversary, his bereaved father also committed suicide.  I don’t wish to appear hard or uncaring (Oh, go ahead) but, apart from cleaning up the mess, and the confusion and sadness of friends and relatives – perhaps we are all better off without their contagious weakness.

A representative of the Council of Canadian Academies wants all levels of government to do something about the profusion of scientific misinformation which has caused many preventable COVID deaths.  In addition to regulating social media platforms and private messaging apps, Ottawa needs to support the production and distribution of science-based, factual information.  Science communication is facing an uphill battle.

This is one of the things that most irks me most about some Christian Apologetics debaters.  They ask, “Even if Atheists could prove that there’s no God, (That’s not our job – or our aim!) what’s wrong with believing something that’s false?”  Because it can get you killed!!  Worse yet, you can take your family, your neighbors, your friends, and even ME along with you.  I see you, Jim Jones, and David Koresh.

That’s when and why I begin to care – deeply, strongly!  In the movie, Spy Game, Robert Redford played an old agent, training a new agent.  At one point he advises, “If it comes down to between you and him – Send flowers.”  I’m sorry that you are so dumb and gullible that you will believe internet/religious conspiracy theories.  Please accept this lovely bouquet of Chrysanthemums.  We’re all probably better off without you.”

Despite those who see only in black and white, there is no perfect world, and there is no one-size-fits-all, perfect answer to either of these problems.  We’ll just have to live (or die) with imperfect humans – and keep your nose out of other people’s business, lest someone use it as an exclamation point.  😳

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 had a mix of old and new questions last week:

What did the quick brown fox jump over?

Fourteen old manual typewriters in a row, all just to correct a pangram which described him as ‘brown,’ rather than red.
I’m Scottish, damn it, and I manage a haggis restaurant, not a bloody curry shop!  🙄

What were the Window Cleaner’s confessions?

That he was so busy checking his status on all the social media platforms, that he never thought to look into the offices, to see who was doing what…. or whom.  😳

What was The Mad Hatter’s true occupation?

Starbucks barista/social influencer

Why did Cinderella lose her glass slipper?

So that she wouldn’t end up like the female college student, still living at home.  When she returned from a date one night, her Father asked her why her shoe was all wet and muddy.  She said her Tinder match-up drove her WAAAYYY out into the country, in a deluge, and told her to come across, or walk home.  Dad asked why only one shoe was muddy.  She replied that she changed her mind.
I do not believe the myth that rape is impossible because a female with her skirt up can run faster than a man with his trousers down.

Why do people in old TV shows and movies spend so much time sitting on their front porch?

Because they’ve been sitting on their back porches for so long, that they’re welded to the couch – the chair – the porch swing.

What happened to the three little pigs?

Souvlaki!  😉  Gotta go.  Time for supper.

What is Air Force One?

Help, I’ve been elected, and I can’t get up.

The most powerful man on Earth!  The leader of the Free World – right after he’s had his Alzheimer’s treatment.

Stair-lifts drive me up the wall!  🙄

 

Who brings the Easter Eggs?

What goes Hippity-Hop through the mud??
The Easter Pig!

Who was Harvey?

Yesterday, upon the stair
I met a giant rabbit who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today.
I wish that giant, imaginary bunny would go away.

What is quick silver?

That’s what The Lone Ranger said to his horse when he needed to visit the powder room.  Apparently the mesas in the American west were formed by erosion from Indian tribes who didn’t have Porta-Potties.  😳

Fibbing Friday From The Vault

Last week, Pensitivity101 explored her archives and found some questions set by Teresa Grabs.  Here is a selection of some more of her questions.

1. What was the first thing you saw when you looked out the window?

I was awakened by the screech of tires.  When I looked out the window, I saw a number of official-looking Cadillac Escalades delivering an alphabet to me.  On the sides were printed – FBI, CIA, NSA, TSA, EPA, CSI, KPD, FEMA, SPCA…. and I think there were a couple more, UPS, DHL, even a KFC.

2.  What is your favorite way to prepare hot dogs?

It’s a trick I learned, working with a friend one summer in a fast-food booth near the beach.  Customers who wanted a hot-dog, often also wanted French fries.  While I was crisping the fries, I would drop a wiener in the hot oil with them.  The wiener sinks to the bottom.  When it’s fully cooked, it rises to the surface.  It’s ready in under a minute.  Take it out.  Pop it in a bun.  It even has a nice, light, crispy skin.  Customers loved them.

3.  What is one thing you covet more than anything else?

Covet!!  It says Covet.  I thought it said cover.  I was going to tell you about the 1959 movie, Cast A Long Shadow.  It starred Audie Murphy, an actor who was so short that he cast a shadow about as long as a pencil stub.  I’m on a rotation diet.  Every time I turn around, I eat.  My shadow is not only long, it’s very W..I…D...E.  When I go out to pick up my mail, 5 or 6 neighbourhood kids can cool off in my shade.

4.  You see the wishing star…what is your wish?

I know that he’s wishing that all these crazy fellow-fans hadn’t recognized him at the airport but…. please, Keanu Reeves, could I have a selfie and an autograph??!

5.  You don’t want the leprechaun’s gold…what do you want?

I want that big cast-iron kettle/pot that he’s got it stored in.  (Has Marie Kondo not showed you how to save space and store it in dresser drawers?)  I could make a GIGANTIC batch of chili in it – maybe even enough to share with the rest of the family.  😉

6.  What is the first thing you order at a vegan diner?

A taxi to get me to some place that serves real food.  I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to eat salads.  I eat things that eat salads.  When I saw the name Greenleaf, I thought it might be a poetry bar tribute to John Greenleaf Whittier, full of hippie-types.  Maybe I could even score some weed…. You know, green leaf.  😎

7. Where would you like to visit next?
   

I would like to re-visit a tiny little hamlet in East-Central Ohio, where an online friend and his wife live – no lie.  We managed to visit them for a few hours, ten years ago, and would gladly return for a day, a week, a month, but I’d soon need to return to civilization for the medical support.

It’s a (small) dot of nothing, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by Amish.  When I came to this city, almost 60 years ago, it advertised itself as The Biggest Small Town In Canada.  It was not unusual to hear German /Pennsylvania Dutch spoken on the streets and in the shops, and see Mennonites – Canadian Amish-lite – and horses and buggies/wagons.  Decades of hot air and job immigration infusion have ballooned it out for miles, driving many Mennonites away.  I miss the feel of the countryside.

Any such trip is going to have to wait until some amount of financial sanity is regained.  Available funds in retirement are thin enough.  Years ago, I went to Florida with my brother, when the Canadian dollar was worth 75 cents/US – four of mine, to spend three of theirs.  I thought that was about as bad as it could get.  Between Trump and Putin, the Canadian dollar is currently trading at $.7256/US.  👿

8.  What is actually in the Doomsday Seed Vault?

The seeds for the likes of kale, chard, watercress, radicchio, chia, and all the rest of the food plants that the Yuppity Vegans try to tell us are good for us, but are really out to kill us.

9.  Who killed J.R.?

The LGBTQ2+ cabal.  Either that, or the Alphabet Mafia who visited me this morning.  😳

10. What is yellow snow?

That’s an indication that I’ve got the cheapest, but most effective home security system.  If any potential burglar manages to break in, even if I’m not home, the neighbours will call the cops with a noise complaint, to stop all that damned barking.  I don’t know if my two Scottish Terriers are territorial enough to bite a stranger, but if you don’t know the steps of the dance they do, you could easily be tripped, and land on your klarn.  😳

Different Kind Of Fibbing Friday

Time for something a little different from word definitions.
Pensitivit101 explored her archives and found some questions set by Teresa Grabs who was the originator of Fibbing Friday.
There are some gems so if any questions for March seem familiar, you can understand why!

1. What did you find in the unopened can of mixed nuts?

Schrodinger’s cat.

2. They just cancelled your favorite TV show – what do you do?

Start to rebuild your IQ level.  If Facebook and Twitter had burned down, we’d have some decent politicians and we wouldn’t be in this Brexit mess.

3. What is the answer to 3 Down?

Prevarication.

4. What do Scots wear under their kilts?

I wear Argyle socks and my Sgian Dubh, ‘cause I’m a sharp dresser.

5. How did the platypus get its name?

My So–So Great-Great-Grandfather bestowed that name on it.  At least witnesses at the time think that’s what he said.  Aside from being Scottish, his pronunciation was never the best because he was the official taste-tester at a whiskey distillery just outside Canberra.  Some folks said that he had a drinking problem, but his mates said he never had a problem drinking.  He died when he tripped, and drowned in a big vat of it.  When the foreman told his wife she said, “Ach, Robbie, ya ne’er stood a chance.”  The foreman replied, “Sure he did.  He got out three times to go to the loo.”

6. You find a treasure map – what is the treasure?

It’s peace and quiet on a small, independent, bucolic island in the Caribbean, named Tikoyya, where ‘Woke Society’ has been declared a terrorist organization, and local ordinances forbid the import or possession of any of those Snapgram/Instabook/Facechat thingies.

7. They are making a movie of your life – what is the biggest whopper they invent?

Wanting to make me appear rustic and pastoral, they claimed that I was born in a log cabin.  I was born in the woods, to an old Momma wildcat, and didn’t build that cabin until I was almost three.

8. Bollocks doesn’t mean what Americans think it does…what does it really mean?

The problem is not with the meaning of the word.  The problem is with the idea of Americans – THINKING!  😳

9. What did you give the last person who asked you for a tip?

I said, don’t bet on the Eagles in the Super Bowl, and don’t take any wooden nickels.  I will safely take them off your hands because I’m a numismatist, although I’ve never been charged or convicted.  It just means that I’m a coin collector.

10. What is over the next hill?

Sisyphus, pushing a huge rock.  His shift is over, and I’ve come to relieve him.

’22 A To Z Challenge – Y

The Beatles sang Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

But The Rolling Stones sang

GET YOUR YA-YA’S OUT

Originally a Rolling Stones live album, (get yer ya ya’s out) the term usually means “to get your extra energy out” or “to blow off some steam“. One can do this many ways; it really depends on what type of person you are.

To indulge/vent an urge that society does not approve of — this can be fighting, partying, drinking, having sex, smoking pot… whatever. It implies that there are other times when you’re a “respectable citizen” and repress the urge — full-time party-animals are not getting their ya-ya’s out because they always act that way.

For the less adventurous of you, there’s always the 2002 movie, Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

I’m almost to the end of this alphabet challenge.  Do you think that I’m happy?
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

Do you think that I’m damn fool enough to start another cycle in a couple of weeks??
You bet your YA-YA’S!

Word Is It’s Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 has some more familiar words and wants to know if I can make up new definitions for them.  Step back!  You’re about to be impressed…. or it could just be gas.  🙄

1.   Silicone

It’s the name that the Kardashian Family LLC trades under, on the stock exchange.

2.   Fluff

It’s one of the kinder epithets used to describe many of my blogposts.  It’s why I am current President of The Fluffernutter Society.

3.   Loofah

That’s how I greet the arrival of my (much) larger cat, when he launches himself onto my abdomen while I’m taking a nap in my recliner chair.  His mother was a Bengal Cat, but I think his father was a concrete building-block.  😳

4.   Caddy

It’s the car that every MAGA motormouth, owns to Buy American.  It’ll pass anything but a petrol station.  Some of them have tried the new electric version, but can’t find a long-enough extension cord.

5.   Pedantic

It’s a mischievous trick or prank that your child plays on you.

6.   Tangent

He’s a bloke who’s returning from two weeks in the sun in Spain.  Is that Dick Brown?  It should be.  It’s been on the nude beach all week.

7.   Muffler
That’s the new euphemism that the Woke society is using these days.  It sounds so much better than Cancel Culture.  We’re just trying to prevent anyone having their feelings hurt.  They’re like lawnmower parents – mowing down every little obstacle, so that the young never learn how, or build the strength, to deal with adversity.  At least there’ll be lots more upcoming candidates for Fluffernutter President.

8.   Calamity

That was the supposedly haunted house that was in a book and a movie, some years ago – The Calamityville Horror.

9.   Archive

Archive was my Mother.  She named me after herself.  Archon is the male version of the name.

10. Fortify

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like an over-ripe banana!  It seems like only yesterday, but that’s how old I was 33years ago!

Birds Of A Feather Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 says that the following are all birds, but asks, if you didn’t know that, what would you say these words meant?  At her behest, I’m going to fib my heart out, and  publish my answers here.

1. COOT

Me! – And my League of Extraordinary Older-Gentlemen Grumps.  Apparently there are no young coots.  You gotta be old, to be a coot.  Sean Connery was our Honorary Chairman, until he passed on, to that great Oatmeal Bowl in the sky.

2.   DUNLIN

That’s the name of the firm of Solicitors who constantly telephone, and send threatening letters, to get people to make monthly payments on their car-loans and mortgages.

3.   HOBBY

Hobby is the non-productive expenditure of free time and energy.  The hobby of the people at Hobby Lobby is harassing and abridging the civil rights of those who they feel don’t have the correct sexual orientation.

4.   KNOT

Knot is a euphemism for getting married – tying the knot.  For serial offenders like Mickey Rooney, Liz Taylor, and Larry King, it’s a slip-knot.  😳

5.   RUFF

Ruff is Dennis the Menace’s cartoon canine companion – the more intelligent, less destructive and irksome of the pair.

6.   SCAUP

This is an evil, online commercial deed, performed by a nefarious net-villain.  Every time I want to attend a concert by Jethro Tull, The Moody Blues, ELO, or Billy Joel, some guy with a refurbished NASA computer, and a power source about equal to a small sun, temporarily suspends his Bitcoin mining operation, swoops in and scoops up all the good seats, and then offers them online for 5 to 10 times their original cost.

7.   SERIN

That’s the cultured fluid that ethical, educated, intelligent medical researchers use to make COVID19 and variants protective vaccines from.  It’s the same stuff that nutty conspiracy-theorists, who watched the science Fiction movie, The Fantastic Voyage, believe that Bill Gates (or anyone else) cares enough about them to add tiny little machines to track them with.

8.   SMEW

It’s all the fault of the good, warm English ale.  An American tourist stole a street sign from outside the East-End, Brantley Mews.  The Roads Maintenance Department sent out a two-man team to replace it.  Since they arrived near lunch-time, and the Anvil and Turtle Pub was just outside, they had some cottage pie…. and six or seven jars of beer.   Somehow, when the sign went up, it read SMEW, instead of MEWS.  They had to send out two teetotalers to set things right.

9.   SNIPE

That was the bitch witch at my last job that I set a record with – worked with her for 14 years, and not once did I give her a well-deserved smack in the head.  We called her Princess, which she took to be a compliment.  She was the Princess with the pea, constantly carping about every little thing.

We were working on the wrong project, and if we were on the right one, we were using the wrong procedures, and if we were using the right methods, we were on the wrong schedule.  The only person she never complained about, was the office manager, and she followed him around like Mary’s little lamb.  Smooch, smooch, kiss, kiss!!  The difference between a brown-noser and a shithead – is depth perception.

10. TWITE

There are too many Brits who wouldn’t say Shit if they had a mouthful.  They say Shite, and pretend that they didn’t use profanity.  I can only presume that an irritating, irksome goofball is called a Twite, instead of a Twit.

Score One For Fibbing Fridays

A history lesson from Pensitivity101.

1. Why was the Mona Lisa smiling that enigmatic smile?

Because she got her hair done, just in time for the portrait.

2. Who painted The Laughing Cavalier?

Actually, it was Lenny, from Rodrigo’s Painting and Decorating, but it wasn’t his fault.  If the horse’s ass rider hadn’t been yucking it up, and had been paying more attention to where he was going, instead of his Smart Phone, he wouldn’t have walked under Lenny’s ladder.

3. As per the song why was the Policeman laughing?

Because his unmarried daughter had just told him that she was pregnant with twins, and he knew that she had never been on a double date in her life.

4. Who sang ‘I started a Joke?’

That was Chris Rock, just before Will Smith got up and slapped him.

5. From which film did Little April Shower come from?

It was a porno flick, titled Golden Memories.

6. What was the family harvesting in the Panorama programme on April 1^st 1957?

That was spaghetti, but it was a meager crop, because spaghetti trees do not do well in England.  The only things the UK has in abundance, are pea-soup fogs, and Carry On movies.  The Italian TV networks seemed to have no reason to boast about their bumper crops of penne, and rotini.  And the trees near the Mediterranean shore were laden with lots of juicy calamari.

7. Who played the Court Jester?

That was Richard Moll, playing bailiff, Bull Shannon, in the hilarious TV series, Night Court.  Oh, the rest of the cast were amusing, but Bull brought a serious silliness to his character, like the time he tried to stop an escaping male tween.  He jumped out in front of him in the corridor, and pointed his finger at the kid, who said, “Yeah??!  Waddya gonna do with that?”  Bull replied, “Poke a 4-inch hole in your forehead if you don’t stop.”

8. Why are Jokers wild?

Because they think that they are hilarious, but no-one else does, or takes them seriously until someone has been injured.  The video for vocal group, Home Free’s version of Castle On The Hill is a sad example.  The she of the featured couple is the worst.  She steals toilet paper from an outhouse, before her he is finished, convinces him to climb over a locked gate, to TP the tree in someone’s back yard, pushes him backward off a dock into shallow water at the edge of a small lake, ignoring possible rocks or submerged branches, and ends by handling fireworks and shooting roman candles at each other.  What fun!!  Adding another entry to the Darwin Awards list.  😯

9. In which country is April 1^st officially a bank holiday?

That would be Lichtenstein.  It’s a land-locked little country, high up in the Alps where you can get a Flag Of Convenience for your ocean-going ships, to evade avoid onerous restrictions, such as high taxes, safety regulations, and minimum-wage laws.  The entire country is scarcely larger than the parking lot of a good-sized McDonalds, but they manage to shoe-horn in dozens of discreet, don’t ask – don’t tell, financial institutions, where movie stars, drug lords, and tin-horn African despots hide their ill-gotten riches and filthy lucre.

10. If today is your birthday, what star sign are you?

No Stopping!
No Standing!
No Loitering!

He took her for a car-ride, and showed her a sign that said, Yield.
She showed him one that read, Refuse.

*

Superstitious Fibbing Friday

It was Friday the 13^th so last week, Pensitivity101’s selection was based on superstitions.

Make up your own reasons for these please:

1. Why were people given middle names?

So that children could know just how pissed Mom was at them this time.
Margaret Elizabeth Robertson, you get in here this minute.

2. Why do we cover our mouths when we yawn?

To keep all the stupid from leaking out.

3. Why do we say ‘Bless You’ when somebody sneezes?

It’s a code phrase, meaning, Keep it down.  I’m trying to quietly enjoy a mint julep here.  One of my cats complains almost every time I sneeze.  It’s a ritual begun by vocally-impaired southern belles.  If a Georgia matriarch smiles, and says Bless you, or Bless your heart, you can translate it as F**k you very much.

4. Why do we wear a wedding ring on the third finger of the left hand?

Because, if we wore it on the middle finger, it would impair our ability to converse with taxi drivers and politicians.

5. What was the original use of wind chimes?

Obviously, to irritate those irritating neighbours.

6. What was the original purpose of bridesmaids?

It was a way to screw over poor Jacob, in the Bible, and get another 7 years of free labor from him, by substituting Rachel for Leah in the marriage-bed, following a drunken spirited wedding celebration.

7. What is the significance of the first butterfly of the year you see being white?

Probably that you live north of the Mason-Dixon Line, and you can thank your cotton-pickin’ lucky stars that you do.

8. What does it mean if your right ear itches?
   

That you’re going to have to listen to another fool, and probably kiss your pension goodbye.

9. Why is Good Friday a good day to cut your hair?

For forty days, you’ve been cut off from good food and drink, and maybe even sex.  Cutting off a little hair is the thing you’ll feel and miss the least.

10. What should you give a friend who gives you a knife as a gift?

A wide berth!  😳