With Pensitivity101 staring aghast, I have prefabricated some prevarications for another list of her Purloined Patented Posers ©
- Where will you find a pushme-pullyou?
At any K-Mart Blue-Light Special. It’s the main reason that there are no more K-Mart stores in Kinder, Gentler Canada anymore. Only in the U.S. do they combine cheap clothing sales with MMA death matches.
2. What is meant by the term ‘chocolate box’?
I’m not sure. I’ve never seen a chocolate box. I’ve seen a cracker box. A tomato can. I’ve seen a horse fly, but I’ve never seen a deer fly. Bonnie May, but Donna Wood.
3. Who lived in the house made with gingerbread, cake and pastries?
The guy who is Public Enemy #1 on the Weight-Watchers Most Wanted list. Since I cut back a bit on my snacks, and lost 20 American pounds, or 9 Canadian kilos, my ranking has dropped from #7, to #9.
4. Where will you find Mr. Stay Puft?
On a bench at the strip-mall, three doors down from the new marijuana dispensary.
5. Where will you find The Hallelujah Mountains?
That’s what women discover when they take off the bandages, after breast augmentation surgery. Hallelujah, Mountains!
6. What did Gru intend to steal with the Shrink Ray?
It wasn’t exactly “steal.” It was more like an extortion scheme. He was going to shrink all the Kardashians’ butts, and blackmail them – and several Black guys with no taste – to return them to their ridiculous but normal size. Just as he was lining up on Kim’s ass, ‘Andy,’ who became the 40 Year Old Virgin, suddenly appeared. He had sneaked in to discover whether Kanye West was CGI, or an animatronic built by American Amusement Corporation. Gru’s shot hit him right in the crotch, causing a small problem, and the plan collapsed.
7. Going back a long way, what was ‘Baby’ in the 1938 film Bringing Up Baby?
She was the girl who grew up to be the actress who played ‘Baby’ in the movie Dirty Dancing. “Nobody puts ‘Baby’ in the corner!”
8. Who played the drums in The Muppets?
It was Charlie Watts for a while, but Janice and the rest of the band felt that his face was frightening children, so they replaced him with the Muppets Animal. Charlie went on to fame and fortune with the Rolling Stones, playing at morticians’ conventions.
9. What magical instrument did Sparky play?
See #4. It was a Bic lighter. For 79¢ at the nearby Dollarama store, he gets to join in on the festivities all day – and night. “Hey man, got a light?” “Sure – for a toke off your little friend. Here, I’ll spark it up for you.”
10. What did ‘Andy’ have waxed in The 40 Year Old Virgin?
See #6, above. It was his snowboard. After getting his sex appeal downsized, women were freezing him out. He wasn’t getting laid, and his sex-life was going downhill fast.
The truth is, I’ll be back in a couple of days with And Now For Something Completely Different.