My Kindergarten students are learning to read. Recently one of them pointed to a picture in a book and said, “Look, a frickin’ elephant.”
Taking a deep breath, I asked why he had called it that.
“Cuz it says so in the book.”
And so it does – African elephant.
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”
He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a**hole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a “s*ithead.”
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.
He finds one and then begs “Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father’s in a fight.”
Well, they get back to the bar and there’s three guys fighting like you wouldn’t believe.
After a while the cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one’s your father?”
The kid looks up at the cop and says, “I don’t know, officer, that’s what they’re fighting about.”
A Polish man walks into a store and asks to buy 2 pounds of Polish sausage. The guy behind the counter asks him if he is Polish. “I resent that…”. The Polish man says. “If I asked for chorizo, would you assume I was Mexican? If I asked for Bratwurst, would you assume I was German?” The guy behind the counter says “Nope, I’d still think you were Polish… This is a hardware store!!”
A new father and a nurse were filling out the paperwork for the birth of his new daughter. “What’s the baby’s name?” she asked.
He replied, “Kelsey Noelle.”
Confused, the nurse asks, “How do you spell Kelsey, with no L??”
When I was young, I was poor. Now, after long years of hard, honest work…. I am no longer young.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself, “I’m going to get tossed out of IKEA any minute now.