Hot One-Liners

I told my wife that I want to be cremated….
….She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.

Measure twice….
….Cuss once.

I just heard a woodpecker….
….call me paranoid in Morse code.

You have to be odd….
….to be number one.

My brain has….
….too many tabs open.

Hmmm, that’s a bit harsh….
….Let me put LOL at the end of it.

When does hibernation start?….
….I’d like to participate this year.

The Grinch never hated Christmas….
….He hated people, which is fair.

My favorite party trick….
….is not going.

We never really grow up….
….We just learn how to act in public.

Sometimes I just want to tell my boss….
….Sorry, my mom said I can’t come.

Me: Eating….
….My white shirt: Let me taste it.

It’s weird being the same age….
….as old people.

Row, row, row your boat….
….gently away from me.

Would zombies consider….
….Olympic runners, fast food?

My backup plan is the original plan….
….but with margaritas and queso.

It’s way too peoply out there today.

I’ve never seen anyone jogging and smiling….
….That’s all I need to know about that.

I hate this snow….  No, I love this snow….
….Signed Bi-Polar Bear.

Life and beer are very similar….
….Chill for best results.

Just because you are offended….
….doesn’t mean you are right.

😳

Tell Me If You’ve Heard This One – VII

I put up the image that says that I Love English, but most of these words come from Latin, Greek, French, Hawaiian, Scottish and Spanish.  English loves immigrants – voluntary or not.  😀

‘a’ā  – [ah-ah] (Hawaiian) Basaltic lava having a rough surface
Mount Kilauea’s ‘a’ā surface flow made for a difficult hike.

ARETE – The aggregate of qualities, as valor and virtue, making up good character
He demonstrated arête by rescuing the kitten from the tree.

ARGUS-EYED – having keen sight, vigilant, watchful
It was important that the sentry was argus-eyed, guarding the castle against foes.
Argus – late Middle English: from Latin, from Greek Argos, the name of a watchman in Greek mythology who had a hundred eyes. After he was killed by Hermes, Hera used his eyes to decorate the peacock’s tail.

BLITHESOME – lighthearted, merry, cheerful
The children’s birthday party had a blithesome atmosphere.

CAŇADA – No, no!  Not my favorite Home and Native Land
(Spanish) A small, deep canyon [kuh n-yah-duh]
Actor Ron Canada isn’t from The Great White North.  He came from a hole in the ground in Mexico.

E-TAILING – The selling of goods and services on the internet or through email solicitation
As long as they don’t wake me, or tie up my phone, trying to sell me duct-cleaning in Pakistani.

GERONTOCRACY – Government by a council of elders
A governing body consisting of old people
A state or government in which old people rule
Despite being one, I was going to say that the old farts have screwed things up enough, let the younger ones have a chance.  Then Canada elected [Trudeau Junior], and the Woke stupidity started to really pile up.

GLABELLA – The flat area of bone between the eyebrows, used as a craniometric point
He had a unibrow, a straight line across his glabella.

GLAIKIT – foolish, giddy, flighty
Scottish author Irvine Welsh’s stories are filled with glaikit – the strange and particularly clownish behavior of his Glaswegian characters.

HYPOGEAL – underground, subterranean
Plants that show hypogeal germination grow relatively slowly, especially in the first phase.

NETIQUETTE – The rules of etiquette that apply when communicating over computer networks, especially the internet
Internet trolls display little to no netiquette, often insulting others online.

PARTRICIAN – A person of noble or high rank; aristocrat
A patrician by birth, she was seen as a suitable match for the prince.
Note!  Does not apply to Meghan Markle – see courtesan, or gold-digger

PATULOUS – spreading widely from the center
The tree’s patulous branches gave the family a lot of shade.

SHIPPEN – Dialectical, British – a cow barn, or cattle shed
The cattle had to seek shelter in the shippen before the storm arrived.

TABERNACLE – A house of worship; specifically, a large building or tent used for evangelistic purposes
A receptacle for the consecrated elements of the Eucharist, especially an ornamental locked box used for reserving the Communion hosts.
Also – a swear-word-light, often used by predominantly French-speaking Canadians.

VERJUICE – An acid liquor made from the sour juice of crab-apples, unripe grapes, etc., formerly much used for culinary and other purposes

WHOOP-DE-DO – [hoop-dee-doo – hwoop – woop]
Lively and noisy festivities, merrymaking
The festive party was their annual New Year’s Eve whoop-de-do.

I just got the word that enough is enough, and it’s time to move on.  1960’s garage rock says that Surfin’ Bird is the word.  Have a listen.  😀

Flash Fiction #281

PHOTO PROMPT © David Stewart

IT’S MY CELLPHONE AND I’LL CALL IF I WANT TO
(To the tune of Lesley Gore’s It’s My Party)

It’s Chinese water torture!  Drip!  Drip!  Drip! Like being nibbled to death by ducks.

Once, my telephone line was for MY use – to make calls to my friends, and to receive from them.  Now, strangers on other continents want to tie it up for their monetary reasons.

If an election were held tomorrow, how would you vote?
We are a reliable company who would like to clean your ducts.
You owe the IRS $1500, payable in iTunes gift cards.

I think every scammer should have to pay 50¢ on my phone bill before they call me.  I got their number.

***

If you’d like to join the fun with the Friday Fictioneers, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

WOW #75

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a pony.
Stuck a feather in his hat,
And called it Macaroni

MACARONI

How did he get to be a Yankee??  And what did it have to do with macaroni??!

Yanke Surname Definition: (Dutch) Descendant of little Jan (gracious gift of Jehovah); one who came from Holland; a name sometimes applied to a stranger.

The Online Etymology Dictionary gives Yankee its origin as around 1683, attributing it to English colonists insultingly referring to Dutch colonists (especially freebooters). Linguist Jan de Vries notes that there was mention of a pirate named Dutch Yanky in the 17th century.

From the mid-1750s – even still today – it was the custom of the upper British crust to ‘Do The Continent’ when they came of age.  Starting in Spain or France, they would party their way though Germany and Poland, and end up in Italy.  Italy was considered the epicenter of society and fashion.

Young English men became enamored of anything Italian – better than what was back in frumpy old Britain.  Costume balls were common, and clothing became more and more gaudy and ostentatious.  Of course, “everything Italian” did not usually extend to actually learning the language.

After they returned home, they would wax eloquent about Italian food and wine, the flamboyant clothing, the buildings, and the parties.  It became common to refer to “everything Italian” in verbal shorthand as simply Macaroni.

Some English in the New World (Remember, there were no ‘Americans’ yet) with less wealth and far less chance to party in Italy – were Yankees.  If they had servants and slaves, and were ‘idle,’ – they were a Doodle.  They displayed their wealth by being able to ride a fine horse – pony.  If they wanted to emulate their British cousins, they would adorn and ornament their clothes.  They would stick a jaunty feather in an otherwise simple, basic hat, and pretend that it was as glitzy as any of that Italian Macaroni.

So, this nonsense little poem has nothing to do with college survival food.  Instead, it is a reminder of how the early American common folk viewed those who claimed to be their betters.  I’d better make some mac-and-cheese for lunch.   😉   😆

I Was Once Human-Trafficked

In my first two years of high school, I did not form any of the romantic relationships that my Mother had threatened would occur.  There were two reasons for that.  First: the junior girls quickly attached themselves to sophomore and senior boys.  Second: I was a dork!

All that mysteriously changed, early in my third year.  By the end of September, I had acquired a girlfriend – or rather, apparently, a grade ten girl had acquired me.  I quickly went from wandering the halls with a steadily-decreasing crowd of drones, to doing it with a gorgeous female by my side.  Overnight, I stopped sitting at the loner, loser tables in the cafeteria, and moved over to the ‘dating’ section, to learn more about couples’ development.

We hung out at school, and after school, at Pop’s Diner.  We managed to see some movies, despite the fact that the theater was in my home town, she lived in the next town, five miles away, and my principal method of transportation was hitch-hiking.  Many times I walked her home after school.  I met her mother, who approved of me.

I was punching WAAAYYY above my weight here.  Puberty had been generous to this young woman.  I just didn’t get to reap all the benefits that I’d have liked.  We had some necking and petting sessions, but I didn’t have the aggressive self-confidence to demand or expect more.  We just didn’t have the time, or place, or privacy.

Still, it was an idyllic year, but it was fated not to be. At the beginning of the next school year, I walked her home one day…. and she gave me The Talk.  I was a nice guy, (Damn!  That smarted.) she really liked me, and we could be friends, (we were) but she had decided to be mature beyond her years.  There were things that she wanted, that I just couldn’t provide.  She wanted an older guy, with a job, and an income, and a car.  She wanted someone to take her dining and drinking, and dancing, and partying – to drive her around and show her off.  She was willing – perhaps anxious – to pay for the privilege, in the inevitable coin of the female realm.

It was not a total loss.  Before we amicably parted company – like a second-hand, Thrift Shop purse – she passed me off to her year-younger sister, who had expressed an interest in me.  This gal was more my social and emotional speed.  We shared many tastes and likes.  She was nicer, kinder, than her sister, and smarter.  We got along very well.  The biggest problem in our relationship was not US.

We were both blue-collar children.  My Father worked in a factory, as did hers.  I/we still had that transportation problem but, her best friend in high school was the daughter of the town’s successful doctor.  He lived in a big, fancy house, and drove a big, fancy car.  Her boyfriend lived in my town.  His father was a very successful insurance agent, who lived in a big, fancy, brick, century-house, and drove a big, fancy Lincoln Continental, which he got the occasional use of for double dates.

He did not approve of my girlfriend, and the doctor’s daughter did not approve of me.  We were socially inadequate.  It was not long before we too, parted ways.  I began dating a girl from my town, whose next boyfriend, who eventually replaced me, did sixty-days in jail.  The course of true love never runs smoothly.

This BEDA Challenge has run its course.  I’m going to sleep in, and take it easy tomorrow. (As opposed to what??!)  CU Monday, I hope.  🙂

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

If you have never remarked, at least to yourself, about the number of English words that are almost the same size and shape, have almost the same letters and meaning, and yet are different…. You’ve never done a crossword puzzle.  😳

Where to find Guinness – Any decent bar – but in the crossword, you have to work sideways.  What is the second latter?  Is it Eire or Erin?

Claim – is it aver, or avow?

Price rise – bump or jump?

Cell inhabitants – nuns or cons?

Prohibit – bar or ban?

Talk a lot – yak or gab?

Geological period – era or eon?

Sleep – nod or nap?

The top – acme or apex?

Peak – top or tip?

Not real – fake or faux?

Hand warmers – mitts or muffs?

Gourmet delicacy – snail or quail?

Hurled – flung or slung?

Comics dog – Otto or Odie?

Over – atop or upon?

The 411 – info or data?

Stop up – plug or clog?

Exploited – milked or bilked?

Wicked – evil or vile?

Senate yes – aye or yea?

Kick out – eject or evict?

Made mad – angered or enraged?

Outdo – beat or best?

Pants part – seat or seam?

Agree with – sync or side?

Father-involved – parental or paternal?….or, if mother’s involved – prenatal

Old-time actress, in five letters – starts with GA.  Ooh!  Ooh!  I got this!  Green Acres TV show – Eva Gabor.  Oops. Sorry!  Even old-timier than that – Greta Garbo!  Same five letters – different order.  Rats!

Dog food brand (in four) – Iams or Alpo

Because of the product that they provide, crossword composers are usually exacting and precise in the usage of words in both their clues, and solutions.  Sadly, illiteracy and incorrect usage creep in, even among the best.

The solution to doesn’t want to, is the six-letter word averse, not the seven-letter adverse, which means, unfavorable, contrary, opposing.

The correct response, (in four letters, second letter I), to lay low is kill.  To hide, is to lie low.

The pedant in me says that core group is not a cadre!  A cadre is a frame or border, which contains other things placed inside.  If you’re pretentious enough to use the word cadre, then your core group are the newbies.

Muss one’s hair.  Tussle means wrestle, scuffle or struggle  It’s not accurate, unless we’re talking about Amos, from the 9 Chickweed Lane comic strip – tousle comes from the Scottish touse – to handle roughly – to dishevel.

Finally, we get to related things which occur serially and sequentially, but are not identical.

Festive nights are not eves!  Eve is the short form for evening, the time when light and dark are about the same – dusk, twilight, nightfall, even gloaming – depending on the date, perhaps from Six P.M. till Nine.   ‘Nights’ continue through till sunup the next morning, but very few festive parties do.

To fill a pipe does not mean tamp.  They are two separate actions.  A pipe must first be filled, before the tobacco can be tamped down for a slow, even smoulder.  It’s why Scotty stopped smoking a pipe.  When he was smoking someone else’s tobacco, he crammed so much into the bowl that he could hardly draw.  When he was smoking his own, there was so little that it wasn’t worth it.

Ties vs. laces.  I see teenagers all the time, whose shoes have been laced, the ends of which are dragging on the ground, untied.  I often wonder why they, or someone else, don’t step on a trailing end, and produce an epic face-plant.

Unlatch a gate – open.  I can unlatch a gate, and leave it for the dog, or the cows, or even my buddy the burglar, to open when it is necessary, or convenient.

Assuming that the therapy session goes well, and the meds kick in, I’ll be back, as usual, in a couple of days.  You’ve been warned.  😉

WOW #72

I just have an irresistible urge to tell you about my new dog.  He’s a cute little thing.  He’s a registered Greek sheep-herding dog.  He doesn’t empty his bladder or his bowels in the house, but he does wander around shedding excess vowels all over the floor. We call him

Cacoethes.

His name is from the Greek language, meaning an irresistible urge – mania.  It originally meant of bad character – caco – ethos.  I’m the bad character that he has to deal with.

I’m using him to ride herd on a bunch of other Greek terms that came in through the back door, into the English language – words like cacophony – which is a loud, disagreeable noise – or euphony, which is a lovely sound, like a teller counting out $50 bills for you – or euphemism, which is a pleasant word or phrase, substituted for a harsh or offensive one – or utopia – which means a pleasant or perfect place, but who parked too close to the dictionary, and got its initial letter E knocked off – or Phi Beta Kappa – which means a loud obnoxious frat keg toga party.  It doesn’t matter.  It’s all hyperbole, anyway.

I have found a euphemism being used by (those who wouldn’t say s**t if they had a mouthful) people of delicate sensibilities, but who don’t seem to understand either English or Greek.  The phrase “fucked the dog” means idled, lazed, shirked work or other responsibility.  It is being replaced, even by some reputable authors, with the supposedly less offensive, “screwed the pooch”, but which means erred, or messed up, particularly at a significant junction.  Not the same thing at all.

My dog’s an alpha.  If there’s any screwing going on, he’s the one doing it.  Some of those sheep have a worried look.  I’m not worried.  I look forward to having you visit and read again soon.  😀

’21 A To Z Challenge – E

I’ve often said that, if the English language must evolve, I don’t want the changes caused by people who have their names on their work uniforms.  I want it guided by intelligent, educated scholars and linguists.

I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND!

One of the newer words in English is

ECDYSIAST

added sometime before his death in 1956, by the all-time pompous spoilsport American journalist, H. L. Mencken.

Also called stripper, exotic dancer, or stripteaser. a person who performs a striptease.
From ecdysis – the shedding or casting off of an outer coat or integument by snakes, crustaceans, etc.

With at least three acceptable alternatives, this pretentious prat added yet another, to turn an enjoyable, social pastime into something as cold and clinical as a colonoscopy.  He makes Mr. Spock seem like a party animal, and looks like he parts his hair with an axe.

Some of them can appear as dumb as a sack of rocks, but the stoners flipping burgers, and dreaming up new words seem to be a helluva lot more fun than tight-ass, Latin-loving Mr. Mencken.  Ignore the word.  Ignore the nerd who birthed it.  What is your opinion about strippers?  😕

Flash Fiction #245

PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

THE PARTY’S OVER NOW

The band, Semisonic, got a one-time-only, one-song-only chance to play their hit, Closing Time, at the White House, for El Trumpo’s going-away party.

Gather up your jackets and make it to the exits
You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!
Every new beginning’s from some other beginning’s end

This place is deserted.
Where is my cabinet?
You exiled or alienated most of them sire.

Where’s Pence?
You had him beheaded, sire.

Where is Melania?
She and Barron abandoned ship, and are swimming to put as much distance between you as they can, before we sink sire.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

’20 A To Z Challenge – S

SUAVE
SOPHISTICATED
full of
SAVOIR FAIRE

None of these words apply to me.

I am just a small-town boy with a touch of autism, who has managed to read enough to know how the other half 95% lives, and how they expect me to act and behave.  If the wife hadn’t decided that I needed someone to civilize me, I probably wouldn’t be married.

I have managed to dine at a few somewhat upscale restaurants without embarrassing myself or my companions too badly, but I should not be let loose near anything labeled fête or gala.  I can’t even tell the difference between white ties and black ties, much less how to wear them, when, and where.

For a couple of years in high school I wore a string-, or bolo-tie to the few dances and parties that I attended – and didn’t wonder why the females wanted nothing to do with me.  In the first half of my working life, when I was a number of varieties of cube-drone, I wore clip-on ties.

One day, I stopped for a cooling beverage (or several) after work, at a place artistically nicknamed The Pit, which just happened to have entertainment which involved the removing of clothing.  I got a seat right up front – ‘cuz my eyes were weak.  One of the sluts strippers Exotic Dancers decided that she wanted to drag me up on the stage.  She grabbed my tie and pulled.  She ended up with it in one hand, and a bemused look on her face.  Of course, I had to burn the tie, by the time she was done with it.

My idea of “sophistication” is to order bottled beer that is opened at my table, rather than take my chances of being roofied by on-tap lager.  Don’t get me started about cocktails, or even ‘mixed drinks.’  If it’s any more complex than rye and cola, it’s outside my wheelhouse.

I’ve long since given up the bolo ties but, despite their connotation and connection to County-Western Music – which I abhor – I continue to wear, what other people call ‘Cowboy boots’, through almost 53 years of marriage.  What I wear is not what others might refer to as ‘Biker boots’ either, although they served to protect my lower legs for 25 years, when I rode an assortment of rice-burner motorcycles.

It’s too bad I wasn’t born rich, instead of so God-damned handsome.  Maybe one of the Hilton or Astor families might have polished me a little bit.  More likely, I’d have just wound up like Billy Carter, the embarrassment to President Jimmy Carter.  We could have had a few beers together, only…. Despite endorsing Billy Beer, in private, he drank Pabst.

Stop back in a couple of days, and I’ll have another story about old guys sitting around, drinking beer, and taking over the world.  I’ll lay in some local, micro-brew dark ale that we can share.   😀