Fibbing Friday 20/3

Instead of waiting for pensitivity101, I sent her a list of topics to lie about and share with others.  The email came back marked

Return To Sender
No Such Recipient
No such Address

So I guess I’ll just have to share these with lucky little you.

1. How many years bad luck do you get if you break a mirror?

It depends on which one you break.  Knock something off the counter and break the one in the wife’s purse, and the tornado should dissipate by tomorrow.  Break a Hepplewhite one when she drags you out antiquing, and you’ll see a shattered image of two years’ savings disappearing.

2. What shouldn’t you walk under?

15.000 steps a day, if your wife put you on an exercise program, bought His and Hers Fitbits, and registered as your Friend.  When she goes to bed early, I lie on the couch watching Netflix, hang my leg over the edge, and tap the floor.  Next morning, See honey!  Quota achieved!

3. Why are black cats crossing your path considered unlucky?

One of the reasons that we bought this marvelous old mini-mansion, was the big, stone fireplace in the main room….  Until a bat got in down the chimney, and our previously-white cat chased it through the ashes, and back out onto our new, previously-ivory Persian rug.  😳

4. Why do we ‘knock on wood’?

To be closer to our Maker.

Jesus was helping St. Peter at the Pearly Gate one day.  A very old man shuffled up.  St. Peter asked him what he had been on Earth.  He replied that he had been a woodworker.  Jesus looked closer and said, “Dad?”  The old man peered back and said, “Pinocchio?”

5. Why are horseshoes considered lucky?

Know how to stop a runaway horse?  Bet on him.  I don’t know how they can run with those heavy steel things on their feet.  Couldn’t we get them a couple of pair of nice, light Reeboks?

6. Why do we cross our fingers for good luck?

To keep the stupidity and gullibility from leaking out.  This superstition stuff is all fake.  I’m a Virgo.  Us Virgos are highly skeptical and don’t believe in any of it.

7. Why is 13 considered an unlucky number?

Because there are only 12 slices in an extra-large pizza.  Sorry bro, you got here too late.  You’ll have to order another one – and while you’re out getting it, pick me up a six-pack of Heineken Dark, k?

8. On the other hand, why is 7 considered lucky?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours, why are there locks on the doors?  7 is the end of the overnight shift.  If Apu hasn’t been beaten and robbed by some junkie by then, he considers himself lucky.  I’ve never been robbed here at the Archon’s Den during any of my late-night shifts.  I see those ne’er-do-wells slinking by in the dark.  They look up and see me watching them, and put their dog between us.

9. What is signified by itchy hands?

You’ve been doing too much shopping, and slathering on that disinfectant at every store.  I’m glad this COVID is almost over.  My hands have absorbed more alcohol than I have.

10. Why should you not put shoes on the table?

With my wife’s cooking, the roasts are always so dry and tough, shoes could get sliced up and eaten without anyone even noticing.

***

It’s no wonder that Christian Apologists get their Bibles in a knot with me.  It’s not that I’m an Atheist.  It’s that I keep breaking the Thou shalt not tell a lie Commandment.  Which one is that anyway??  The 14^th??

 

Alcoholic One-Liners

Scientists studied the effect on alcohol on walking….
….The results were staggering.

Why is ‘abbreviated’….
….such a long word?

I still have a full deck….
….I just shuffle slower.

If the world’s human population held hands around the equator….
….a significant portion of them would drown.

Wal-Mart is giving out free school supplies….
….to anyone who can outrun Security.

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar….
….and doesn’t.

Pavlov is having a beer at the pub when his phone rings….
….He jumps up and yells, “Shit!  I forgot to feed the dog.”

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

To tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber….
….ask them to pronounce ‘unionized.’

Gravity is a myth….
….The Earth sucks.

Change is hard….
….Just try to bend a coin, you’ll see.

A man walks into a bar….
….and is disqualified at the limbo contest.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins….
….so I drink several.

A day without beer is like….
….Just kidding.  I wouldn’t know.

How come 8 glasses of water a day is almost impossible….
….but 8 beers seems so easy?

People in Dubai don’t understand The Flintstones….
….but people in Abu Dhabi do.

I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo….
….Now I feel like such a good boy.

I believed that I could….
….but the cat was asleep on my lap, so I didn’t.

If 2022 was a drink….
….it would be a colonoscopy prep.

I told my suitcases, No vacation this year….
….now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Running feels great….
….unless you compare it to not running.

I don’t think it’s fair that only roosters….
….are allowed to start the day screaming.

If you love someone….
….let them nap.

If a black cat crosses your path….
….he probably has some important cat stuff to do.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song….
….but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Blue Sky One-Liners

Some people are like clouds….
….When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.

Some people try to turn back their odometers….
….Not me!  I want people to know why I look this way.

More wine….
….Less whine.

Cows eat grass….
….Therefore a steak is plant-based meat.

Hamburger helper only works….
….if the hamburger is willing to admit it needs help.

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano….
….For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

I live for two reasons….
….1 I was born.  2 I ain’t dead yet.

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table….
….I needed a running start, but I made it.

I tried to Google “Directionally challenged”….
….but I couldn’t find it.

Some say ‘Life Is Short’….
….but I’ve been alive for as long as I can remember.

More than four cups of coffee….
….and you can talk to electricity.

Sprinters don’t eat anything before a race….
….They fast.

How to twerk….
….Step 1: Reconsider

I’m unsure which way to turn….
….to get treatment for my dyslexia.

I named my dog ‘Ten Miles’….
….so that I can tell people I walk ten miles every day.

I used to live hand to mouth….
….but cutlery changed my life.

I can’t even be bothered….
….to be apathetic these days.

Don’t give up your dreams….
….Keep sleeping.

If you think adventure is dangerous….
….try routine; it’s lethal.

Laughter is the best medicine….
….unless you have diarrhea.

My wallet is like an onion….
….when I open it, it makes me cry.

Relish today….
….Ketchup tomorrow.

If you’re not good at haggling….
….you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so that everyone’s clear….
….I’m going to put on my glasses

Writing my name in cursive….
….is my signature move.

😀

High School Comedy

Senior year religion class at my Catholic high school, our Deacon teacher asked, “What are the two words that you should never say to a Jehovah’s Witness?  The class was a wasteland of boredom.  Figuring, ‘what the Hell,’ I raised my hand and responded, ”Come in.”  Dead Silence!  You could hear a tumbleweed rolling by.
Just for the record, it’s “Happy Birthday.”

***

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. “My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie.”

Next came Tommy. “My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he’d give each of us a quarter.”

Third came Jimmy. “My dad is an electrician.” But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else.

She then turned to Johnny. “My dad’s a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e,” Johnny said. “And if he were here, he’d lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain’t never gonna spell electrician.”

***

TEA IS AN EVIL SUBSTANCE
Tea is much more dangerous than beer.  Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night.  I drank 15 beers up until 3:00 AM at the pub, while my wife was just drinking tea at home.  You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful and quiet, and headed to bed, but she shouted at me all night long, and into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can’t handle your tea, just don’t drink it.

***

I love it when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home, and she greets me with those three special words.
“Were you fired?”

***

When my wife asked, “What’s your favorite position in bed?” I probably shouldn’t have said, “Near the wall so I can use my phone while it’s charging!”

***

A woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing. The EMTs quickly arrived and placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then they began to gather her information. “What’s your age?” one asked. “Fifty-nine,” the patient answered, eyeing the blinking device on her finger. “What is that thing?” The EMT answered with a straight face, “It’s a lie detector. Now, what is your age?” “Sixty-three,” said the woman, sheepishly.

***

The three-year-old emerged from the bathroom smiling. “I brushed my teeth!” she proudly announced. “And then I brushed Wilbur’s.” Her horrified mother explained she shouldn’t have brushed the dog’s teeth and now they’d have to get her a new toothbrush. The next day, the girl asked, “Mommy, why did I need a new toothbrush?” Her mother answered patiently, “Remember? You used your toothbrush to brush the dog’s teeth, so you got a new one.” The youngster replied, “But, Mommy: I didn’t use my toothbrush on Wilbur’s teeth, I used yours!”

***

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain, gives hope for a lot of people.

***

Dog-Gone Humor

Two dogs were walking together down the street, when they were passed by another dog, driving a truckload of logs.
One dog turned to the other and said, “He started out just fetching a stick, and built up the business from there.”

***

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, “Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?”
The blonde said, “I’m sorry sir, but wherever I go, there’s always a tree in front of me and I can’t seem to get away from it!”
The cop looked at her and said, “Ma’am, that’s your air freshener!”

***

My doctor told me that jogging would add years to my life, so I started yesterday.  He was right.  When I finished, I felt ten years older.

***

Commitment – 1. The act of binding oneself to a specific path, usually as regards a relationship with a romantic partner. 2. Consignment to a mental health facility. 3. There may be no difference between one and two.

***

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

***

My friend keeps saying:
“Cheer up, man.  Things could be worse.  You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”
I know he means well.

***

The new prisoner told his cellmate, “I won’t be in here long.” The veteran replied, “I dunno. Didn’t the judge give you six years?” “Yeah, but I know my wife’ll break me out. She’s never let me finish a sentence yet!”

Substitute Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 said thanks to Marla for providing our words last week.

What do you think these are/mean?

1. Bumfuzzle

It’s a great word to describe some of the more inept police officers.  The type who drops his doughnut in the car park, and then drives off with his paper cup of coffee on the roof.

2.  Gardyloo

With two Scottie dogs, and two cats, we have to latch the WC door during periods of constipation contemplation.  It’s difficult to concentrate on the business at hind, with two pair of beady eyes staring at you, or trying to Stand and Deliver with a cat stropping your ankles.

3.  Taradiddle

When I should have been doing research to find the meaning of this word, I was busy not cutting down the cherry tree, and I was attacked by a purple Koala with a kumquat.

4.  Snickersnee

This is the new roller-coaster ride at the Brighton Beach amusement park.  After a huge loop-the-loop, you go through a dark, tunnel section where they spray you with nitrous oxide – laughing gas.  You come out scared shitless spitless, but giggling your face off.

5.  Bumbershoot

That’s a good feed of albino asparagus – with cheese sauce.

6.  Snollygoster

Luckily, it was a type of extinct (If you’ll excuse the expression) flower.  Historical records indicate that its aroma was enough to make a corpse plant pull up roots and leave the neighbourhood.  The last example was crushed by a charging hippo in Mali, in 1874, and the only people who miss it are etymologists.

7.  Brouhaha

That’s when you think that you’re absolutely hilarious after a dozen beers, but no-one else does.  It’s not wry wit – more like rye wit.

8.  Wabbit

I was researching Scottish dialect, to try to get some inspiration for this word, but I just got so tired.  I was absolutely exhausted, so I lay down for a little nap, and by the time I woke, it was time to publish.

9.  Pandiculation

The batteries in my hearing aids went dead, but I think they’re talking about a Heinz catsup/ketchup commercial from the ‘70s.

10. Borborygm

Borborygm was the tribe of natives in Mali where that last snollygoster was found.  They were a strange people, dressing in feathers and flowers, with lots of strange makeup.  Elton John is said to have purchased the rights to their story.

Eight Teen Fibbing Fridays

Every time I publish one of these, Pensitivity101 emails me a calendar.  Ever since that Mayan one didn’t work, I don’t really care anymore.  Procrastination is the only project that I’ve ever started on time.  And now, without further adieu, here’s another friggin’ Fibbing Friday list.

1.What kind of dog was Lassie?

Lassie was a boy dog with a girl’s name.  Because of that, he was a lightning-rod for, and the local distributor of, bad luck and karma.  Timmy got lost in the woods??  Lassie was there.  Timmy fell down a well??  Lassie was there.  Timmy was trapped in a burning barn??  Lassie was there!  I’d have traded him in for a hedgehog, or at least got his name legally changed.

2. Who was Toto’s owner?

He was the mascot for the band, Kansas.  He was even smart enough to play drums for them for a while, but he lost his edge, and started dogging it, and they had to let him go.  They said, “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

3. What breed of dog was Beethoven?

He was a Dutch Chocolate Labrador Retriever.  He had a minor role in the movie, Amadeus.  He played a harpsichord – but it took a lot of prosthetics and makeup.

4. Who was Goofy’s best buddy?

I was, for a while.  We were both in that Dumb And Dumber movie together, but the string on our tin-can telephone broke, and he never calls me anymore.

5. How many dogs starred in The Incredible Journey?

None!  They both think that they were stars, but it was really the cat that made the movie.  Without his wise guidance, Arf and Woof would still be wandering around, looking for a fire hydrant.  Focus guys!  Focus!

6. What made Superdog super?

He ate some chili con carne that Walter White made up, on the TV series, Breaking Bad, the day of “the incident.  Between the hot peppers and the meth, ANYTHING was possible – higher, faster, longer.

7. What is meant by Dogma?

That is narrow-minded, non-critical-thinking claims made by religious fundagelicals.  My Karma ran over their Dogma.

8. What is ‘flyball’?

That’s the mess of insects that you accumulate when you hang sticky insect strips in the cheap two-week vacation cottage that you rent.

9. Who introduced ‘WALKIES!’ into their training programmes?

The now-ex-pitching coach of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team.  The strike zone is 17 inches wide, and about two feet high.  Would it be too much to ask, to get the guys to put the ball through that, once in a while??  They were giving so many opponents a base on balls, that it looked like the world’s slowest conga line.

10. What is frontline used for?

That’s a product also known as Invisible Fence.  It’s a cable that you bury at the edge of your property, which emits a radio signal.  You put a collar on your dog with a receiver.  If he/she gets too close, they get tasered behind the ear.  Now, if I could just slip a couple of those on that Jehovah’s Witness pair who keep waking my dogs and me on Saturday mornings….

I Bagged Another Fibbing Friday

Another mixed bag last week, and Pensitivity101 is still looking forward to reading what I eventually come up with for these.

1. Why do we say it’s raining cats and dogs?

The cats aren’t too bad.  They have two kitty-litter trays to choose from, but after we receive snow (like last week), the dogs get more than a little reluctant to venture into the white wonderland of the back yard.  They’re not Huskies, but I expected better from Scottish Terriers.  A spray bottle of cleanser/disinfectant/deodorizer and some damp paper towels erase the problem, and the exercise helps keep me limber and thin.

2. What is meant by ‘The elephant in the room?
   See #3, below.  A washroom trip would have paintings on the wall rattling, and pets on the floor and knick-knacks on end tables in danger.
   

3. What is downsizing?

 It’s what I had to do, two years after retiring from a manual-labour job that burned 3000 calories a day.  I stopped working, but I didn’t stop eating.  When I sat around the house, I sat AROUND the house.  Non-resealable snack bags contained ONE serving.

4. What is a Panto Dame?

She’s a good-looking, sexually-attractive, surgically-enhanced, plastic-filled, living, breathing Barbie-doll chick who has all the young bucks huffing and puffing, and slobbering all over.  We older guys don’t get so worked up anymore, we’re a little more restrained, not because we’ve got more couth, but because sad experience has shown that – like a dog chasing a car – even if we caught one, we’re not allowed to operate it.  And we’re out of gas.

5. What is pumpernickel?

It’s a geriatric retiree, living on a fixed-income Government pension, but hooked on gambling and casinos, plugging five-cent coins into the cheapest slot machine faster than a stoner flushing his stash when the Drug Squad comes to visit.

6. What’s the difference between poison ivy and poison oak?

It’s a matter of height.  If you get an itchy rash around your feet and ankles, that’s poison ivy.  Poison oak is when you get it up around the twigs and berries, and spend a fortune on calamine lotion.  👿

7. What is a plimsoll line?

It’s a ‘Time gentlemen, please’ offer, sometimes heard down at the Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell pub at closing time.

8. What are waffles?

They are unethical politicians (are there any other kind?), who will say anything and everything to get re-elected.  I support LGBTQ.  They’re a bunch of perverts. There should be an increase in the minimum wage.  These unchecked unions will bankrupt the country.

9. How can you beat inflation?

I tried to do it with 18” of broken rake handle.  The judge said that, if I obey the peace bond, and never enter that supermarket again, after a year, my conviction for assault on the grocer will be expunged.

10. What is catsup?

It’s this handsome fellow here, who sits outside my bedroom door at 4 AM, to loudly announce that he feels he should be fed.  😳

Mixed Bag Fibbing Friday

Questions for last week were a mixed bag and Pensitivity101 was looking forward to reading what we came up with – finally.

1. What is a bobby pin?

That was the Choke Hold/Body Slam that the Security Patrol Police Officer put on the lout who recently threw eggs at Bonnie King Charlie.

2. What is a Whoopee Cushion?

It’s the device that short, little MS Goldberg uses, to appear to be as tall as the rest of the Valkyrie co-hosts on The View.

3. What is a cock-a-poo?

That’s the cutesy name that the nurses give to the commodes in the men’s sections of the old-folks homes long-term care facilities.

4. Why are some chicken eggs brown and some white?

White eggs are caused by sun-bleaching, by light that enters henhouses while various chickens leave the nest, and root for food during the day.  When some farmers found out how much they could charge for brown eggs, by calling them ‘Organic,’ they boarded up all the windows.

5. How would you describe cardboard?

Foursquare, upstanding and self-contained, are the only words that come to mind.  It’s difficult to think outside the box.

6. What do a pony and monkey have in common?

They do not believe in Creation.  An All-Knowing God would not have been dumb enough to put Mankind in charge of the Earth.  The Great Apes have filed an injunction to have a portion of the family tree lopped off.

7. What is a USB key?

Similar to the Bat Signal, it’s the device I use to summon my creative Muse.  Either it needs a new battery, or Erato is on an extended, drunken orgy with Bacchus – again.  No inspiration this week.  😳

8. What is a golden handshake?

It’s one that you don’t want to get from any of the staff at a food-service business.  That’s the reason that restaurants have signs in their washrooms that insist, “Staff must wash hands before returning to work.”

9. What is an orange pippin?

It’s just an ordinary pippin that wanted to do some sun-bathing, but forgot to slather on lots of SPF Global Warming/End of the World sunscreen.  Note:  may be related to a certain ex-US President.

10. What is Teflon?

I’m still not sure.  I tried to do some online research, but none of the information seemed to stick with me.

36-24-36 Fibbing Friday

Pennsitivity101 is going with Alter Egos this week.
Prominent figures, but who would you match as their alter ego?

1. Boris Johnson
   

Bozo the Clown.  No-one would suspect that one orange-haired, goofy-talking fool was really a different orange-haired, goofy-talking fool.  The only danger might be that there would accumulate a critical mass of inane silliness, and we could have a political and philosophical meltdown, and a severe case of Estonia Syndrome – because China wouldn’t want anything to do with it.
2.  Madonna

Mae West.  The bloom is off Madonna’s rose.  The line, ‘Come up and see me sometime.’ is beginning to sound a little desperate.
3.  Victoria Beckham

The Wicked Witch of the West.  Don’t tell me that you haven’t thought that too!  😳  “Fly, my pretties – and bring me back all the profits that my Nigerian Prince scams legitimate businesses earn.”
4.  Roger Federer.

John McEnroe.  Finally, Roger the quiet, Roger the stoic, Roger the well-mannered, could let his internal Dennis the Menace loose once in a while.
5.  James Bond

Thomas Stewart, owner/proprietor of the finest artisanal oat-based vodka distillery in all of Scotland.  ‘Tell the Sassenachs that it’s exclusive and eco-friendly, with a low carbon footprint, and soon they’ll be at Hadrian’s Wall, throwing Pounds and Euros at Glencoe, to purchase it.  They will be shaken – and stirred.
6.  Ebenezer Scrooge

Stay-Puft, the Marshmallow Man.  Give him a little scare three times in one night and he goes all soft and mushy and sweet.  If this keeps up, soon I’ll be the only grumpy old dude left.  😉
7.  H.G. Wells

Project manager for Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin space project.  He could show them how to actually get off their butts, and off the surface of the planet.
8.  Agatha Christie

Madame DeFarge.  Actually, Agatha Christie has caused more deaths, as she sat knitting, knitting, knitting her devious murder plots together.
9.  Liberace

A bank manager.  A critic once savaged one of Lee’s programs in a newspaper review.  An assistant told him of the pan, and asked if it upset him.  Liberace replied, “I cried all the way to the bank.”
10. Winston Churchill

A Cuban cigar-maker with a pet bulldog.