I have joined a prestigious, if none too exclusive club. The League of Sedentary Gentlemen graciously offered me an honorary membership, just because I mentioned that my idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit. I questioned accepting membership in a group that would accept me as a member
They all sit around (what else) texting each other with suggestions for the best way to get a wife, or grandkid, or a guilt-ridden neighbor to bring them another beer or a fresh mint julep. Well, most of the rest of them do. I’m an old technological Luddite, still trying to figure out the intricacies of these new-fangled touch-tone phones.
I tried to talk one or more of them into coming over to the house and explaining it to me, but none of them want to leave the safety and comfort of their living room or front porch. They claim that if they relieve pressure on their butt-cheeks, their prostates will swell.
I’ve spent a good chunk of my life, fetchin’ and totin’ for other folks. I just thought that it was time to sit back, take it easy, and deeply cogitate about… sittin’ back and taking it easy. There are no problems that are too deep or complex, that they can’t be addressed with the judicious use of a remote control, and/or an intercom or walkie-talkie. I’ve got this COVID ‘sheltering at home’ thing down to a fine science.
I have so impressed so many of the group, that I am considering standing for election as President of the League, but standing can get you tossed out of this loosely rational knit organization. I expect to sit, comfortably, both before and after I achieve total control. My dynamite campaign trick will be to distribute a NSFW photo of my ass, showing the corduroy marks from the extra pillow that I added to my computer chair.
I have a lot of great ideas for the League, that don’t involve strenuous movement. I’d like to set up a group of online webinars, with titles like, ‘Leaving the Rocker/Recliner To Go To Bed: Good Idea, or Bad?’ – ‘How Do You Know When You’ve Had Enough Nothing?’ – ‘Door-Dash, Skip The Dishes, and Uber-Eats: Pillars of the Republic! and ‘Screened Front Porches: Salvation Of The Nation!’
I might become so famous and well-known that I could sit on the Supreme Court – as long as I get an aide who will wheel me into the courtroom. What is your position on abortion? Recumbent, on the couch. The sun can rise every day, but I am not that motivated. I have an irresistible force to remain an immovable object.
I wouldn’t object if you expressed your unwavering support for my plan. I’ll take your word for it. It’s not like I’m going to actually get up and check.