’22 A To Z Challenge – M

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgotten Words – Forgotten Attitudes

What do we want?

GOOD MANNERS

When do we want them?

Right now!

Are we likely to get them??!

F*&@ no!

In a world where the words we use, and our attitudes, are supposedly of utmost importance, words are regularly passing out of use from the English language.  We become dumbed down intellectually, ethically, and spiritually. Here are a few words which have been forgotten, though they were in regular use just a few decades ago. Interestingly, they’re all related in meaning:

Modesty

Humility

Courtesy

Honesty

“I pray thee then, write me as someone who loves his fellow man.”  (Abou ben Adhem)

Donald Trump is gone, although, if he can evade the FBI on his magpie collection of classified documents, he’s threatening to return in 2024.  While he facilitated much of the above, and vindicated it to a too-large swath of the American population, he was not the cause of it.  He was merely a visible symptom of the cultural rot.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Be nice to each other out there.  Okay?  The life you save may be your own.

Thus endeth the reading of the first lesson.  More of the usual drivel soon.

Crafty Beer One-liners

Spilling a beer is….
…the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.

Please do not pet the peeves.

It’s like Harry Potter said….
….Expensive petroleum.

I accidently swallowed a bottle of invisible ink….
….Now I’m sitting in Emergency, waiting to be seen.

Do you need a current licence….
….to drive an electric vehicle?

The first rule of micro-manager club is….
….here, I’ll just show you.

I went swimming in the mall fountain….
….Good money in that.

I needed a password eight characters long….
….so I picked Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.

You call them swear words….
….I call them sentence enhancers.

I love working out….
….Today I did abs….olutely nothing.

Warning: Going to sleep Sunday night….
….will cause Monday.

Today is a good day to….
….have a good day.

Shout-out to ATM fees….
….for making me buy my own money.

Do not read the next sentence….
….You little rebel, I like you.

Kids today are named like ‘Tony’….
….but spell it ‘Toughkneigh.’

(Reality protrusion – American couple just named their daughter Reighfyl, and pronounce it ‘rifle.’)

Eat alphabet soup….
….Have a vowel movement.

Why am I the only naked person….
….at this gender reveal party?

Time travellers’ meeting….
….Last Thursday, 11 P. M.

The problem with censorship….
….is XXXXXXX

What is the best Christmas present?….
….A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.

The Self-Deprecation Society is looking for new members….
….I’ve already put myself down.

The wife’s friend confused her birth control pills with her Valium….
….She has 16 kids, but she doesn’t care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing….
….and then they marry him.

When we go out, I always hold the wife’s hand….
….If I let go, she shops.

Charity begins at home….
….and usually stays there.

Behind every angry woman….
….stands a man who has no idea what he did wrong

I’m going to start collecting highlighters….
….Mark my words.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d ever been with….
….She said, “Yes.  All the others were nines and tens”

Don’t irritate old people….
….The older we get, the less ‘Life in Prison’ is a deterrent.

GETTING OLDER HUMOR

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.  “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication  you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’…”

***

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.  I took her to a Subway.  That’s when the fight started.

***

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that   her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,  “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that!  I’m dating Susan!”

***

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.  He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.    Damned good!”

The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”

The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”

The preacher said, “No shit?”

***

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

***

Golf and lunch at HOOTERS…

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida.
They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs”
“OK.”
Ten years later at age 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”
Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”
At age 60 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”
At age 70 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”
At age 80 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

***

 

Comedy Conversion Therapy

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe.  Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father.  Do ya’ think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

***

“Mommy, my turtle is dead,” little Freddie sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said, “That’s all right.  We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard.  After that, we’ll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet.  I don’t want you….” Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.
“Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all.”
“Oh,” the disappointed boy said. “Can I kill it?”

***

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it.  It’s an asshole!”

***

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Wings!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

***

A little boy was swearing at birds that were eating the seeds he had just planted.  The minister hears this and goes over to the little boy.  “My son, there is no need to use the F word to chase the birds away.  Just say ‘shoo away birds’ and they will fuck off by themselves”

***

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant.  “Did you kill that?” he asked.
The pigmy answered: “Yes”.
“How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?”
“I killed it with my club” replied the pigmy.
“That’s amazing,” said the explorer.  “How big’s your club?”
The pigmy replied: “There’s about 150 of us”

Patient One-Liners

I had my patience tested….
….I’m negative.

Is there rehab for gossiping?….
….I don’t need it, but I’ll tell you does.

The sign on the brothel door said….
….Beat it, we’re closed.

If at first you don’t succeed….
….We have a lot in common.

I f***ing love asterisks….
….I swear by them.

I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes….
….So far it’s just a draft.
….That first draft really blew me away.

How did the preacher get people to have faith in his words?….
….He became a scientist.

I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal….
….Elon-gate is too drawn-out.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong….
….A tax is a fine for doing well

My friend Jack claims that he can talk to vegetables….
….Jack and the beans talk.

Those who get too big for their britches….
….Will be exposed in the end.

Why do bagpipers walk while they play?….
….To get away from the noise.

Nobody thought that Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now….
….Alcoholic, and a racist.

The three worst blogging mistakes….
….1: Overpromising
….2: Underdelivering

Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled….
….I went to five today, and they all said Insufficient Funds.

Misspell one word, and the whole text is….
….Urined.

My psychiatrist said that I was immature, so I said I wanted a second opinion….
….He said that I was also delusional.

I have the memory of an elephant….
….I saw it at the zoo.

You know what always catches my eye?….
….Short people with umbrellas.

Lazy person fact #4348791….
….You’re too lazy to read that number.

Pluto just had a party….
….He didn’t even planet.

A man with schizophrenia walked into a bar….
….He bumped into nothing, because the bar is not real.

How do you walk a dog with no legs?….
….Hit him with the first pitch.

The Joke Is In The Mail

One day, a man put an ad in the classifieds –“Wife wanted”
The next day he got a hundred emails.  They all said the same thing.  “You can have mine.”

***

What did the patent office employee say about Edison’s new light bulb?
“Whose bright idea is this?”

***

Job interviewer; To start, you’ll be making $20,000.  Later, that will rise to $40,000
Me; OK, I’ll come back later then.

***

If you had to choose eating tacos every day of your life, or being skinny….
Would you pick hard or soft tacos??

***

I don’t trust journalists.  Sometimes they wear badges that say “Press”, but if you press them, they just fall over, all surprised.

***

A baby can drink a bottle and fall asleep, and people say that it’s cute.  But when I do it, I’m an alcoholic.

***

People tell me that I should stop using F-bombs.
What the Fuck is an F-bomb?

***

My daughter screeched, “Daaaddd, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to begin a conversation.

***

Joe: “My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.”
Pete: “Glad you can laugh about it.”
Joe: “But I laugh more.”

***

Joe: “When I was a kid, my parents always said, “Excuse my French” after a swear word.”

Pete: “My parents said the same thing to me.”

Joe: “I’ll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked me if I knew any French.”

***

The Grandson works as a barista at Starbucks.  The other day, he had two young females in.  Suddenly, one of them gushed, “Wouldn’t it be great to have hot, all-vegetable smoothies?”
He said, “I didn’t have the heart to tell them that soup already exists.”

***

Joe: “I asked my wife, ‘If I die, will you remarry?”
Pete: “What did she say?”
Joe: “She said she will live with her sister. Then she asked me if she died would I remarry?”
Pete: “What did you say?”
Joe: “I said, no, I will also live with your sister.”

***

’20 A To Z Challenge – L


What else do I need to say??! I’m not usually tongue-tied, although some people have suggested that it should be put in handcuffs…. Tongue-cuffs??…. I’ll check with the ‘Adult Store.’ They may have something really, fucking kinky.

LALOCHEZIA everyone! Shed the stress. 😈 If you make bail on the public profanity charge, stop back in a couple of days.
***

Adventures In Non-Sequitur Land

This is a framed copy of a reproduction of a Saturday Evening Post cover. It, and a mug with his name, –CYRIL – were all I got back from the nursing home, after my Father died. I don’t know where, or when, or how, he obtained it. I never saw it hanging in my parents’ little house.

Those who know me, know that I am Psmith. Dad was always a little distant, and self-centered. It pleases me to believe that the why that he obtained it, was because of me.

A year ago, when I wanted to attach it to my ‘I’ve Never Herd Of Smith’ post, I kept getting a message from WordPress – Error. Unable to upload image. There are two copies of this image, one taken with a camera, and the other with the scanner/printer. WordPress would accept neither. Recently – JUST BECAUSE – I tried again, and it slid smoothly into the Media file.   😳

I Have Never Felt So Alive

Doctor

Special note to self: Never joke in a doctor’s office! 😳

Even the ones who have had a sense of humor artificially implanted, by law are required to take everything and anything that is said, more seriously than a TSA agent.

If I don’t post for a while, it may be because I’ve been involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric ward. Case in point….

I recently went to a doctor’s appointment. I tried to be pleasant, humorous, happy. It went down in flames, and crashed and burned around me. It descended into total chaos faster than an Inspector Clouseau movie.

I recently saw her for my yearly checkup. She ordered some tests to justify the $50/month that the Province pays her, even if I don’t go to see her. She allowed 3 weeks for the tests to be done, and the results returned to her, and scheduled a follow-up visit to discuss them.

The appointment was for 2:15PM. The wife and I go with each other to these things. What one doesn’t hear, or remember, the other one does. THAT’S GONNA CHANGE! We were escorted to the examination room at 2:45, and the doctor finally walked in at 3:00. Only ¾ of an hour late – she’s actually ahead of her usual schedule.

She sat down and said, “What is wrong? What do you need from me? What has brought you here today?”

A strange opening statement, but I took no notice of it at the time. I said, “You ordered clinic tests, and should have the results. You booked this appointment to discuss them, so tell me, am I alive?”
[DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!]

Of course you are alive! Why would you not be alive?

I said, “Well, I took the tests, but you’re holding the results hostage. I just thought it would be a good idea to know how healthy I am.”

So, now it’s cover-your-ass time. I am not holding the results hostage. I do not have the time to notify each patient individually. If there had been a problem, I would have contacted you.

“That’s what I thought, but I’d like to know the numbers.”

She opened the computer screen to my file, and started going through the results. Blood pressure – good. Blood sugar – good. I have evidence of edema, internal swelling – probably from the progression of arthritis. Good cholesterol levels – acceptable. Bad cholesterol levels – up slightly from last year, but still just below the benchmark. Would I like to start taking a daily dose of Crestor to combat it?

Oh, dear Lord, another pill? I said, “No, I think that I’ll just wait till next year’s checkup. If the numbers are up then, I’ll consider the Crestor, if I’m still here.”

Explosion

Why would you not be here next year? Are you depressed?? Are you considering suicide? Do you have anger management problems?

Gaaaah, what giant can of worms have I opened here?

No, I’m not depressed! I am not considering suicide.

Then why would you not be here next year?

“Perhaps I might move to Newfoundland, or be struck and killed by The Ion (our new street railroad), like that idiot did a couple of weeks ago.”

She glanced over at the wife, who threw her one of those patented Wife Looks©. The wife is on anti-depressants, and believes that everyone else in the known galaxy should also be on them.

Tell me. I am here to listen and help. You can tell me anything.

Well, he just explodes and gets mad over nothing. He screams and yells, and curses and swears.

“If I open the refrigerator to get out milk, and my hand brushes the little plastic container of blueberries, and spills them all over the floor, I might raise my voice a bit, and say “Jesus Christ” or “God damn.” I am startled – embarrassed that I am clumsy and not paying enough attention. I am shocked, and I am irked that I have to stop doing whatever I’m doing, and lower my arthritic ass down to the floor, to pick them all up before they get stepped on.

Well, I sent the puppies out to help you clean them up.

I then have to explain to the doctor that we have two Scottish Terriers who love blueberries, to the point that we just purchased 3 bags of treats, one of which is blueberry-flavored, and disappearing fast. I hope the doctor notices that the wife was so “upset”, that she added pets to the problem. Has my problem gone away?….

“When she was a child, my wife had an abusive older brother. If something like this occurred, he might slap or punch her. She is still worried that this might happen.”

Have I convinced the doctor? I look back at the computer screen, and she has a small sub-program window open. Now I have to answer 8 multiple-choice questions.

In the last 14 days, how many days were you mildly depressed, depressed, or greatly depressed?

“None! I was not depressed.”

How many days did you have bouts of uncontrollable rage, one? Several? All of them?

“None! Partly because of her brother, she has a powerful sense of propriety. Things need to be the way she feels that they need to be. I barely experience anger. If anything, I suffer from low-level frustration, irritation, and resignation, not depression, and I certainly do not suffer from rage. ”

How many days did you think about harming someone else, or yourself, one? Several? All of them?

“None!”

On how many days did you contemplate suicide?

“I have never contemplated suicide!”

Although, if this farce continues, I might consider homicide, or uxoricide. Have you noticed that none of these questions have a zero value? They’re like the old accusation, “Have you stopped beating your wife yet?” They all begin with the assumption of guilt.

At last, they are all answered. The doctor turns off the bright light, and puts away the rubber hose. Finally, she is convinced of my innocence, and all this silliness is over – right??

Every Thursday, as part of my practice, I have a Therapist available here in my office. Her services are covered by my billing. There is no charge to you. The Provincial government pays her. You have to speak to my receptionist to make an appointment. You can have individual therapy, or couples therapy.

Did I mention GAAAHH!!? I’m surprised that neither she nor the wife made an appointment for me, but I managed to escape cleanly. No good deed goes unpunished. I did manage to get a letter which excuses me from jury duty, because I am have a pain in the ass. 😳

Which Of These Would You Ban From The Dictionary?

Bookburning

This post began when I read a post from another blogger, ranting about Kendall Jenner using the word, gnarly.
Whenever I read about Kendall Jenner (as seldom as I can), I always think of a Ken doll. They both have about the same IQ rating, although Jenner probably contains more silicone.

There is a song, currently being offered on YouTube, by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, titled In The Shallow, from the remake of the movie ‘A Star Is Born.’ A tune about being shallow??! At first I thought it was the theme song from the ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ TV program.

There are many words and phrases, (over)used in the vernacular, which I would like to hear and see far less often. They become like profanity, just verbal punctuation marks, used by people too lazy to think of something better. Any word, used too often, will begin to sound strange, and irritate. Try repeating the word ‘pumpkin’ to yourself, out loud, ten times, and see how it begins to sound weird. It doesn’t even look right on the page.

There are no ‘bad’ words – only words which become objectionable, depending on the person using them, the situation where they are used, the frequency of use, and the social reference. I find the above title objectionable. I don’t feel that there are any words which should be denied, or removed from common usage. To even suggest such a thing is a short step from book burning.

Below is the list that he had compiled, with a request to others for their most unfavorite word/expression. It’s a short list, but seems to have included a few limited, regional entries. I, of course, have some info and opinions.

Gnarly
It is what it is
Eshay
Literally
‘Tings,’ instead of “Things”
Insane
Aw bless
Lit

Gnarly: Gnarled is classier, but gnarly is Valley-Girl speak, perfect for Kendall, like, for sure, like, totally, and gag me with a spoon. (Don’t tempt me, bitch!)

It is what it is: Is business-talk, carried over into regular conversation. While it is hackneyed and trite, it is a quick, easy, verbal-shorthand way to tell someone to stop bitching and whining, and accept reality. Karma, dude!

Eshay: This is a regionalism. I don’t know how far it has spread, but Eshay is the Australian equivalent of British chav. ‘Eshays’ are almost always from a poor background, have little or no secondary education and rely on welfare payments or theft to support their habits.

Literally: I would literally like tons of people with no linguistic imagination, to stop using this as a verbal exclamation mark, when they literally mean ‘figuratively.’

‘Tings,’ Instead of ‘Things’: Here, we get into pronunciation, instead of usage, and that’s even harder to ‘correct.’ People who speak like this are frequently like the Eshays, or the chavs, above. It often, but not always, indicates poor education. Hey, it is what it is. We all have examples of enunciation which sound strange to others. To eliminate it all would soon create a silent world.

Insane: I can understand someone becoming irked by the constant use of this adjective. It is just hyperbole which means that the user is so narrow-minded and opinionated, that he thinks anybody else’s point of view is crazy. One God??! That’s insane! There are three, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

Aw, bless: Another regionalism – this one is the British equivalent of a couple of similar expressions from the American South. If a little old Southern belle says Well, Bless You, or, Bless your heart, it translates to ‘Fuck you very much, asshole!’

Lit: Originally just meant illuminated, but came to refer to people who were under the influence of alcohol, and/or drugs. Like ‘woke’, its colloquial value has come to mean what hip, cool or neat meant, a few years ago.

I hate them too, but I don’t want to see them banned. They are signposts, indicating which way the population, and its language, are heading. 😳

Time Travel

I read about time travel. I am intrigued by the paradoxes of time travel. I just LOoove time travel…. except when Daylight Saving Time rolls around. Remember, tonight’s the night. At 2:00 AM, we need to turn all our clocks back one hour, to 1:00 AM. Then we get an extra hour of sleep. (Sure we do. We just party an hour longer.) We’ll probably spend that extra hour trying, and failing, and cursing, to turn all the clocks and watches in the house, back. Thank the mystical gods of silicon, that computers, tablets and the like, are smarter than we are, and do this automatically.

For those who are as chronologically challenged as I am, I have obtained a graphic to aid you with this task.

Daylight time

I hope this helps. I’ll see you tomorrow…. or was that yesterday??! 😳