Smitty’s Loose Change #16

Insanity is believing your hallucinations.
Religion is believing other people’s hallucinations.
Too often, its adherents can’t face reality, and force others to play make-believe.

***

Quite often, Christian Apologists don’t believe some or all of the problematic passages in the Bible.  In fact, they pride themselves and measure their intelligence by how much of the nonsense and contradictions that they reject.  But they just can’t seem to take it to the logical conclusion.

***

Semantic Satiation
You know that thing that happens when you read or hear the same word over and over and over and it starts to sound weird, not like itself, and like gibberish? There’s a word for it: “semantic satiation.”  It’s thought to be a brain form of reactive inhibition, which is a fancy phrase for your body getting tired of doing stuff over and over and over. Basically, when you hear a word, your brain grabs the meaning to the word and associates them for you. But when a word is repeated in a short period, your brain has to grab its neural dictionary over and over, and gets less excited about having to do so each time, eventually just saying, “Whatever,” which is when you just completely lose meaning.

***

More Names – More Fun

I am fascinated by names, because many of them have origins and meanings that even the holders often don’t know.

I was recently followed by HariSeldon2021.  Hari Seldon is a character from Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series.  Sadly, this one doesn’t have a website, so that I can’t read his work, to find why he chose such an interesting and enigmatic name.

The German name Stemmler means stammerer. While
The German name Steffler began with a reference to a German king named Steffen, and means crown.

A vendor at the local Farmers’ Market is Gerber Meats.  A gerber originally was a skinner, or a leather tanner.  I find it amusingly ironic that the name that began with an interest in the outside of cows, is now interested in what’s on the inside of cows.

I recently learned of an Italian actor, named Violante Placido – which translates to violent, peaceful.  She’s a woman.  I only hope that her parents had a (twisted) sense of humor.

I have taken to carefully scanning the obituaries each day, to be sure my photo isn’t there.  Actually, I add up the ages of the deceased, and divide, to get the average age of death and compare it to mine.  Recently I saw an announcement of the death of a man with the surname, Posthumus.

Eurofoods, my local Polish deli sells two checkout papers.  One is Faptu Divers, which means ‘various facts’ or various pieces of information – more colloquially, gossip rag.  The other is Goniec, which can be a (courier) runner, an aide, or a (chess) Bishop – loosely translated nosy paparazzi.  The Tattler, and The National Enquirer, would be proud of their European cousins.

I walked past a car recently, and stopped to inspect its custom vanity plates.  They read OYEZX3.  Oyez!  Oyez!  Oyez!  It is apparently owned by a court clerk, or bailiff.  😯

Either one guy composes all the crosswords in the US, or there is a continent-wide conspiracy theory.  I do a crossword in the local paper, and 2 crosswords per day from the Toronto Sun.  One is from the NY Times, and the other is from the LA Times.  I recently achieved a trifecta of identical clues/solutions in all, on the same day.  “Game Of Thrones” actor Clarke = Emilia.  Greek god pictured with wings and a bow = Eros.  While the clues were not exactly the same, General whose reputation is battered, was General Tso.

***

With so many things coming back in style, I can’t wait until morals, respect and intelligence become a trend again.

Apologizing For God

Instead of God having to apologize for some of the fools He’s created.

Let us pray for atheists to come to know our Lord.
Why??!  😯

Because as a Christian I want them to go to heaven.
The same question still applies, Why? What do you gain/How do you benefit?? The Bible says that God hardens the heart of some people, who refuse to accept Him. Would praying to change that, not be contrary to His divine plan?

So, let me get this straight: do you think that God hardens the hearts of people because they refuse to accept Him or that people refuse to accept Him because God hardens their hearts? Following that question, do you think there are some great sinners who eventually repent?
I don’t believe in (your) God, and I don’t believe that this ever happened, before, during or after.  I was just interested to see the size and shape of the wiggle-room religious escape hatch you would provide.  🙄

Then, what God do you believe in?
Ah, there’s that desperate, “You must believe in at least one God, so that we can prove it’s the wrong one.”
The All-Just and All-Forgiving God cannot exist.  The All-Just God would dole out punishments consistent with the severity of the crime – something the God of the Bible can’t seem to do – inflicting infinite punishment for the finite crime of merely not believing in Him.  The All-Forgiving God is not “just” because He has special treats and privileges, only for members of his somewhat exclusive group of sycophants.  It’s sort of like Oprah Winfrey giving free cars just to people who visit her live show – only, I actually have proof of people driving her cars, but I have no proof of anyone receiving everlasting life from God.

Atheists, and also many Christians, are in the habit of pulling one verse out of scripture and judging it on its own, very often out of context, and without any understanding of the whole. That never leads to the truth.
An example of this is Pharoah in Exodus. In Exodus 7:3 where God says: “3 But I myself shall make Pharaoh stubborn and shall perform many a sign and wonder in Egypt.”
But we see that Pharaoh’s heart is already hardened way before that. In Exodus 1: 22 we read: “22 Pharaoh then gave all his people this command: ‘Throw every new-born (Israelite) boy into the river, but let all the girls live.’”
A man’s heart is hardened by the sins he commits. The consequence of sins is to harden man’s heart. This is the sense in which God hardens man’s heart, by allowing the consequences of man’s actions to follow their course.
Great little excuse. I’m sure you believe it, despite providing a Bible quote that proves it wrong.

With all due respect, I seem to have given you a fairly detailed response and you have brushed it off as an excuse.
A detailed response does not constitute a valid answer.  Exodus 7:3 plainly states that God claims the responsibility, and clearly says that He shall make Pharaoh stubborn.  God does not use the excuse of free will, to allow Pharaoh to perform despicable acts which eventually coarsen and debase his soul.  This is not the same as “Hardening his heart,” which means to become or remain stubborn and/or obstinate, not accepting another’s opinion or desired course of action.  Anyone who would present that as an argument obviously knows neither Theology, nor proper English usage.

Show me a later context verse where God says, “You know that thing that I specifically said over there??!  I didn’t really mean it.”  BTW: You still haven’t given an answer to why you want Atheists to ‘know Jesus.’  I haven’t had my daily chuckle, so you might try to convince me that it’s strictly through religious altruism, and not to assuage the insecurity caused by people who won’t join your club.

You’re the last person I’d turn to understand scripture.
If I’m feeling sick, I go to the doctor. If my tooth aches, I go to the dentist. If I want to know something about the cosmos, I go to a cosmologist not to the Flat Earth Society. If I want to know something about God, I go to a theist, not an “A”theist. If I want to understand the Christian scriptures, I go to those who have the authority to interpret the Christian scriptures, not some deluded anti-Christian.

You just keep repeating that as long as it makes you feel good.

B.T.W.

I just realized that the graphic which I inserted at the top, might be construed by some, to be Atheist(s) refusing to accept proof of God.  It should only be regarded as someone refusing to accept the claim of the existence of God, without sufficiently convincing evidence.

Spam Scam

When I first started blogging, I thought that I could inflate my number of posts by making fun of my spam.  I did one, then later, another, but quickly realized that everybody gets spam, and some of it is a lot more interesting than mine.

Most of the fun ones have disappeared, although I recently received these $2.39 translation program beauties.

March 9, 2019 at 7:18 am  (Edit)

very well claimed!If I recognized effectively… I can’t consider I remaining this eye-catching temperament trait out- unconditional loving compassion!!!I as soon as go through upon a bumper sticker:“Pricey God, Make sure you assist me in the direction of be the particular person my canine believes I am.”I need to don’t forget this each and every working day! Owing for the reminder.

Dear God, help me be the kind of person that my dog thinks I am.  I need to remember.  Thanks for reminding me.

And this one, about my work history:

Hello everyone, it’s my first vsit at this website, and piiece
of writing is genuinely fruitful desibned ffor me, keep up
posting such articles orr reviews.

Just look at those red underlines…. Oh wait, you can’t see them.  All those spelling and grammar mistakes – I hope it’s your last vsit…. Uh, visit.

My spam seems to have settled down to the same six remarks, attached to the same six comments, (one of them only two Emojis) on the same six (old) posts. I get dozens each day, in Spanish, which say, Muchas gracias. ?Como puedo iniciar sesion?  (Thank you very much. How can I log in?)  I regularly get a few, mostly from Hairdressing sites, which say, My goodness.  You seem to have the magic touch.  Any chance you could help me pick a lottery ticket?

A batch of identical ones has recently started pouring in, advertising an herbal treatment for deafness.  That’s about as useful as putting crystals in your car when it runs out of gas.  Only one so far, but I got a glowing, first-person-user review for Dr.(?) X’s absolutely, positively guaranteed two-week miracle cure for genital herpes.  Strangely, it did not mention the inevitable Nobel Prize in Medicine which must have followed its discovery.

I recently received a span which stood out from the rest, if only because it ran on, and on…. and on – for 7142 words.  It must have been sent out in bulk, otherwise why would the Akismet program have sieved it out?

It came from something/someone named Defense Of Israel.  I had neither the time nor patience to read it all, especially when 5% of it was in Hebrew,
ולירושלים עירך ברחמים תשוב ותשכן בתוכה כאשר דברת, ובנה אותה בקרוב בימינו בנין עולם, וכסא דוד מהרה לתוכה תכין:  ברוך אתה ה’, בונה ירושלים. את צמח דוד עבדך מהרה תצמיח, וקרנו תרום בישועתך, כי לישועתך קוינו כל היום:  ברוך אתה ה’, מצמיח קרן ישועה.

but it maundered on about the times that Israel has been invaded, the Six-Day War, Golda Meir saving the country, and how OPEC and the Arab League are working to drive the Jews back into the sea.

The author seems to feel, like the Christian Evangelicals in the USA, that the modern country is going to Hell – perhaps literally – and the only way to rescue it is to impose the strict 7 Noahide Religious laws.
Carry out justice – prohibition of any miscarriage of justice.
No blasphemy – Prohibits a curse directed at the Supreme Being.
No idolatry – Prohibits the worship of any human or any created thing. Also prohibited is the making …of idols and involvement with the occult. This necessitates an understanding of the One G‑d of Israel and His nature.
No illicit intercourse – Prohibits adultery, incest, homosexual intercourse and bestiality, according to …Torah definitions.
No homicide – Prohibits murder and suicide. Causing injury is also forbidden.
No theft – Prohibits the wrongful taking of another’s goods.
Don’t eat a limb of a living creature – Promotes the kind treatment of animal life. It also encourages an appreciation for all kinds of life and respect for nature as G‑d’s creation.

I received another – only 3300 words, complaining about Jewish dietary laws.  Apparently the writer wants to enjoy Tuna.  I can’t begin to imagine the time and energy that it took to compose and disseminate these massive missives.  I am at a loss to understand what the author felt that he would accomplish by doing so.

Apparently I now receive one of these once each month when I publish a post tagged ‘Religion.’  The most recent was a mere 1000 words about obeying the Torah, and being Jewish.  Either he’s running out of rants, finger strength, or Internet space.  Hey, leave some for the rest of us.  😯

Let’s talk about interesting spam – these ones, and any that you get.  😀

WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MESS?

Christian Apologists tie themselves in philosophical knots, trying to justify and validate God’s actions.

The best minds will tell you that, when a man has begotten a child, he is morally bound to tenderly care for it, protect it from hurt, shield it from disease, clothe it, feed it, bear with its waywardness, lay no hand upon it save in kindness and for its own good, and never in any case inflict upon it a wanton cruelty.

God’s treatment of His Earthly children, every day and every night, is the exact opposite of all that, yet these ‘best minds’ warmly justify these crimes, condone them, excuse them, and indignantly refuse to regard them as crimes at all, when HE commits them.

God banished Adam and Eve from the Garden, and eventually assassinated them.  All for disobeying a command which He had no right to utter.  He did not stop there.  He has one code of morals for Himself, and quite another for His children.  He requires His children to deal justly – and gently – with offenders, forgiving them 77 times, whereas He deals neither justly nor gently with anyone.

He did not forgive the ignorant and thoughtless first pair of juveniles, even their first offense, and say, “You may go free this time, and I will give you another chance.”  He continues to punish their children’s children.  In mild ways??  No, in atrocious ways!!

The world calls Him The All-Just, The All-Righteous, The All-Good, The All-Merciful, The All-Forgiving, The All-Truthful, The All-Loving, The Source Of All Morality.  These sarcasms are uttered daily, all over the world.  But not as conscious sarcasms: no, they are meant seriously, and uttered without a smile.

Genesis 3: 17 states, But from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.  And yet, the Bible states at Genesis 5:5 that Adam was 930 years old when he died. “So all the days of Adam’s life amounted to 930 years, and then he died.”

According to Apologetics logic, Adam and Eve should have been completely confounded and confused by this threat of death.  Until The Fall – the first sin – there was no death.  Nothing had died.  They had no experience – nothing to reference it to.  A threat of death would be as incomprehensible to them as Big Bang Theory, or Evolution, is to modern Apologists and science-deniers.

It cannot be proved that “A Creator” does not exist, nor some kind of God, but I can prove that the capricious, spiteful, vindictive “God” described and defined above, definitely does not exist.  Any Being who would act like this resembles the bizarre Q character from Star Trek, but without the puckish sense of humor, making Q seem benign and kindly.   😯

Salvation By Mail

The daughter was Jehovah’s Witnessed – by mail.

Getting ready to go on a two-week trip, her computer refused to boot up.  It was perfect timing.  I drove her to Staples for repair.  It should be fixed and returned about the same time she gets back.  On the way home, she asked to stop at her housing complex’s community mailbox.  She was expecting a package, and didn’t want it left in her box, or the larger package delivery box, for two weeks.  Instead, among others, she received a letter from a JW.

The envelope, and the letter inside, (wrapped around a small flyer) were carefully hand-printed in pencil, on blue-lined, three-ring binder paper.  The address was quite precise – no name was given but her Suite (unit) number was specified.  It almost certainly came from one of the other 80 units in the complex, but to conceal that fact, it was mailed.  When I investigated the return address, I found that it was a rental mailbox in a nearby UPS depot.

My Father often said of the persistently tardy, “He’ll miss the second coming of Christ.”  This one didn’t do much better.  I don’t know whether to blame Canada Post, or the sender.  The letter spoke of COVID-caused, virtual, online webinars being released incrementally, over July and August – but the letter didn’t arrive till August 4th.  All of July, and almost a week of August had expired.   Our only chance to go to Heaven was lost because of poor mail delivery??!  😯

I sense the presence of someone who doesn’t really have the strength of their convictions.  Or possibly someone who thought that the safety of an anonymous letter was better than being chased off a porch with a mop handle.  In any case, they’ve discovered a new, devious way to irritate us, long distance.

Debunking The Hitler Myth

A very common myth, especially among Christians, is that Adolf Hitler was an atheist. I can’t tell you how often I’ve seen something along the lines of, “Atheism leads to wickedness – just look at Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot!” Undeniably Pol Pot was a wicked atheist, although the evil things that he and Stalin did, were not because of, or in support of, Atheism, but Hitler said a great deal of things indicating his belief in a God. In fact, he apparently considered himself to be a Christian.

(As an aside – Stalin attended a Seminary.)   😛

Here are numerous things that Hitler said that indicate his religious belief, along with a citation. I read Mein Kampf, his “diary,” a while ago, and many of these quotes come from this book.

I had excellent opportunity to intoxicate myself with the solemn splendor of the brilliant church festivals. As was only natural, the abbot seemed to me, as the village priest had once seemed to my father, the highest and most desirable ideal.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 1

I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

Even today I am not ashamed to say that, overpowered by stormy enthusiasm, I fell down on my knees and thanked Heaven from an overflowing heart for granting me the good fortune of being permitted to live at this time.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 5

What we have to fight for is the necessary security for the existence and increase of our race and people, the subsistence of its children and the maintenance of our racial stock unmixed, the freedom and independence of the Fatherland so that our people may be enabled to fulfill the mission assigned to it by the Creator.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 8

In short, the results of miscegenation are always the following: (a) The level of the superior race becomes lowered; (b) physical and mental degeneration sets in, thus leading slowly but steadily toward a progressive drying up of the vital sap. The act which brings about such a development is a sin against the will of the Eternal Creator. And as a sin this act will be avenged.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 11

Anyone who dares to lay hands on the highest image of the Lord commits sacrilege against the benevolent Creator of this miracle and contributes to the expulsion from paradise.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 2, Ch. 1

My feelings as a Christian point me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God’s truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders… Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He had to shed his blood upon the Cross.

Speech on April 12, 1922

The advantages for the individual which may be derived from compromises with atheistic organizations do not compare in any way with the consequences which are visible in the destruction of our common religious and ethical values. The national Government sees in both Christian denominations the most important factor for the maintenance of our society.

Speech on March 23, 1933

I believe today that I am acting in the sense of the Almighty Creator. By warding off the Jews, I am fighting for the Lord’s work.

Speech before the Reichstag, 1936

Man cannot exist without belief in God.

From a conversation on November 4, 1936

I am now as before a Catholic and will always remain so.

To General Gerhard Engel, 1941

How could an Atheist say, “Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before, the fact that it was for this that He had to shed his blood upon the Cross”? How could an Atheist openly criticize the moral degeneration that Christians feel Atheism brings upon a society? How could an Atheist say that belief in God is necessary for the very existence of humans? It should be more than clear that Adolf Hitler was, contrary to popular belief, not an Atheist.

A self-appointed Christian Apologist Gatekeeper quickly applied the No True Scotsman argument, and claimed that, despite what Hitler clearly said, he was not A True Christian.  He offered a quote from the Book of James, which had nothing whatsoever to do with being a ‘True Christian,’ something that didn’t even exist when the passage was written.

Good people do good things.  Bad people do bad things, but to get a good person to perform evil, requires religion.  Hitler’s theology was correct.  It was his secular application which was in error.  The Gatekeeper may not wish to admit Hitler into his exclusive little club, but Hitler was precisely what he claimed to be – a True Christian – a Good Catholic.  😯

’21 A To Z Challenge – H

 

There are many delightful, old, archaic and arcane words that I wish were still in use – like ‘snaithe,’ which is a single thread within a larger cord, or rope.  It was often used in reference to magic, and the alternate time-lines and reality-lines caused by invoking spells.

And then there are the words, and the concepts that created them, that we wish had disappeared, but sadly haven’t.  So it is with today’s terrible twins – the disreputable duo of

HOODLUMS

AND

HOOLIGANS

Hoodlum – a thug or gangster.
a young street ruffian, especially one belonging to a gang.

Hooligan – a ruffian or hoodlum.

These two are examples of the entitled worst of American society, who on January 6th, urged and led thousands of their brothers to take Government into their own hands, and invaded the Capitol building.  Victims of the Dunning-Kruger Effect, they didn’t know how dumb and gullible they were, but continued to forge ahead in Holy zeal, following a false prophet.

This is the world of Trump’s spiritual adviser Paula White and many more lesser-known but influential religious leaders who prophesied that Trump would win the election, and helped organize nationwide prayer rallies in the days before the Jan. 6 insurrection, speaking of an imminent “heavenly strike” and “a Christian populist uprising,” leading many who stormed the Capitol to believe they were “taking back the country for God.”

The (dis)United States already has more than enough ways that it is separated, one segment from another.  A new term has recently arisen – the Stained-Glass Divide.  It’s bad enough that there is constant friction between whites and blacks, citizens and immigrants, Republicans and Democrats, Red States and Blue States.  Now the vocal Christian Evangelicals are pulling away from those they don’t feel are Holy enough.

You guys better get your act together, or we Canadians will send down a couple of Mounties to straighten things out, and you’ll wind up being our 11th province.

Welcome To The Neighborhood

In an attempt to attract some interest, new blogger Funny english questions – Surya’s Pages (wordpress.com) published a list of interesting questions and comments about social norms and English language use.  I replied to the following few.  The rest are at the bottom, if you want to comment on any or all.

If a poison expires; is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Poisons do not ’expire,’ only people who take it.  Depending on the poison, it might actually become more virulent.   Some degrade, but almost none become non-poisonous.

Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?
Yes!

Why is the Letter W, in English, called a double U?  Shouldn’t it be called double V?
I asked my Grade 4 teacher this in 1953.  She said,” Wait till next year when you learn cursive writing.  You’ll see that it is a double U.”  In French, it is double V – when they’re not busy surrendering to a Girl Scout troop from Iceland.

SIX GREAT UNRESOLVED CONFUSIONS – turned out to be just the next four.

At a movie theater, which armrest is yours?
Both of them, if you get there early, plant both elbows, and the Incredible Hulk doesn’t sit beside you.

If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
If dogs evolved from wolves, why are wolves still around?
If Protestants evolved from Catholics, why are Catholics still around?
This is the kind of “Gotcha” question that Christian Apologists with absolutely no knowledge of Evolution ask.  Monkeys do not evolve (present tense) into people.  Human beings and monkeys both evolved from a common, ape-like ancestor, millennia ago.  Some people are just more evolved than others.

Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
Because the refrigerator is full, and there isn’t enough room.

Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
Anybody who could look up, see that the sun had reached its peak in the sky, and say, “It’s Noon!”

Why isn’t a Fireman called a Water-man?
Because he doesn’t get on that big red truck and rush to the water.  He rushes to a fire.

Why do doctors “Practice” medicine?  Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
Because, like lawyers who “practice” law, the word has more than one meaning.  The original one was, “habit, or custom.”

Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
Because it consists of an assemblage – a set – of electronic components.

What are you vacating when you go on a “Vacation?”
Your desk, your chair, your employer, your house, your municipality, and often your better judgement.

***

You’re kinda cool man. 😎
I thought that I was past “Cool.” At my age it’s mostly rants and rambles.  😳

Would you like to join me?
Why?  Are you coming apart?

This is obviously not Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood.

***

Do twins ever realize that one of them is “Unplanned”?
Maybe Oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims.”
(It depends on how you rotate it.  It might just be “smiws.”)
100 years ago everyone owned a Horse and only the rich had Cars. Today everyone has Cars and only the rich own Horses.
If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.
Wonder why the word “Funeral” starts with FUN?
How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
(The way the guy in New York did recently.  Pop open the emergency hatch, and jump down onto the runway.)
Why are goods sent by Ship called CARGO, and those sent by car, a SHIPMENT?
Why do we put cups in the “Dishwasher” and the dishes in the “Cupboard”?
(To get them clean, and then, to keep them clean.)
Why is it called “Rush Hour” when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Shine A Cold Light On Comedy

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

***

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”

He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

***

A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.

“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “And the one on the right is where I go to church.”

“So what about that hut in the middle?”

The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”

***

An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde, I started lusting, Father.”

“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”

“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”

The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”

“I’ve never come. This is my first.”

“How is this your first confession?”

“I’m Jewish.”

“Then… why are you telling me all this?”

“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”

Having A Panic Sale

IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES

As March blew in like a lion, it blew a bit of Christian desperation, depression, fear, and entitlement, into the daughter’s house.

In the days previous, both the wife and son had been phoned, to do a survey about how various political parties and levels of Government had – or had not – been handling COVID.  The daughter got a phone call, and an unctuous female voice asked her if she had some time to talk about COVID.

She assumed that this was just another polling company.  The first few questions seemed – normalHow was COVID affecting her?  Did she go out often?  Since she had been locked indoors for most of the winter, she had the time and inclination to converse with someone.

Suddenly, the question was, Do you believe that COVID, and all the other terrible things that are happening, are the beginning of the end?  The sign of the Apocalypse??  The coming of the Rapture??!  Ah, a frightened Christian Fundamentalist – She just said NO.

How can you not believe that it’s The End Of The World?  “Because it’s all natural progression.  We’ve seen it all, dozens, hundreds of times before; we’re seeing it again, and we will see it in the future.”

I’d just like to leave you with some words from the Good Book, to make you feel better.  The daughter told her that she wasn’t feeling bad, and she already had “a book.”  She just didn’t tell her that it was one from Dr. Seuss, for adults.  It as easily could have been the Wiccan Bible, or the Pagan Prayer-book.

Ms Bible-thumper persisted.  You should just read Psalms 29, v 16-17.  The daughter replied, “That would be pretty hard for me to do, since I don’t have a Bible in the house.”  She told me, she could almost hear the fit of apoplexy coming on.  You don’t have a Bible??!  “No!  But thanks for calling.  Bye.”

Christian callers to podcast shows like The Atheist Experience, and Talk Heathen, accuse them of ‘trying to take away their religion, and their faith in Christ.’  One host rebuts this by saying that they only accept calls.  They do not make outgoing calls.  They do not go door to door asking, “Have you stopped believing in Christ yet?”  Apparently some Christian Missionaries won’t return the favor.

We had the Spanish Flu a hundred years ago.  Millions died but the world didn’t end.  We had the Black Death – The Plague – 500 years ago.  A third of the population of Europe died, but the world did not end.

The fear-mongering prediction of The End Times is almost a Christian cottage-industry, sold to, and bought by, fear-stricken followers with great gullibility, panicked imaginations – and absolutely no memory, or understanding of History.

One of the earliest recorded predictions of the end of the world came from Simon bar Giora, a member of the Jewish Essenes sect, about 66/70 CE. These years were a period in which the Jews of Judea rose up against the Romans who were in control of the area. The prediction ran that this fight would be the actual end times battle that presaged the coming of the Messiah.

Some people claim that Nostradamus (1555) predicted the end of the world, but careful study of his entertaining poetry will reveal that he made no such declaration.   Jeff Nilsson wrote about the Mother Shipton predictions in 2011. A new collection of the 16th century oracle’s visions was published in 1873.  Despite the fact that the publisher later admitted that he made the whole thing up, people still bought into prediction that the world would end in 1881 as it said in the book. Contemporary evidence seems to indicate that it did not.

Between 1996 and 2011, Televangelist Harold Camping made not one, but four, successive Apocalypse predictions.  His Christian broadcaster was finally forced to quietly give him the boot, and wash their hands of him.

The religious side of the Y2K panic made even less of an impact than the electronic one – especially since fearful followers got the dates wrong.  More bad dates (Not on Tinder) let the 2012 Mayan Calendar disaster pass without occurring.

In the long history of doomsday predictions, the apocalypse has been cancelled repeatedly over the centuries. From comets to computers to calendars (mainly Mayan), a surplus of expected end times has been available to every culture. And yet, as far we can tell, we’re still here – no thanks to Christian doomsayers.