Cripes!

My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people
there.  Very wholesome.

They use words like ‘Cripes!’  ‘For Cripe’s sake!
Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?  The son of
‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’!

I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn
in ‘Heck’?

***

Old age isn’t bad – when you consider the alternative.

***

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when
the Lone Ranger puts up his hand and says,
“Whoa.” He then climbs down from his horse
Silver, walks behind the horse, lifts his tail
and kisses the horse on his asshole. He then
remounts and they ride on.

A little while later, the Lone Ranger again
raises his hand and says, “Whoa.” He dismounts,
lifts the tail and kisses Silver on the ass
again, then remounts.

Tonto, not sure as to what is going on asks,
“Hmph! Kemo Sabe why you get off Silver and kiss
him on asshole?” The Lone Ranger replies,
“Chapped lips.” Tonto then says, “Ugh. That good
for chapped lips?” The Lone ranger replies, “No,
but it keeps you from licking them.”

***

HERE ARE A FEW IDEAS TO HELP YOU
ALLEVIATE THE STRESS OF TODAY’S
FRANTIC MOMENTS

1:  Use your MasterCard to pay off your Visa.
2:  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
3:  Forget Weight-Watchers, and send yourself a Candygram
4:  Make a list of things to do, that you’ve already done.
5:  Get revenge for tax woes by filling out your forms in Roman numerals.
6:  Tattoo “Out to lunch” on your forehead.
7:  Leaf through a National Geographic, and draw underwear on all the natives.
8:  Go shopping!  Buy everything!  Sweat in it!  Return it the next day.
9:  Drive to work in reverse.
10:  Read the dictionary upside-down and look for secret messages.
11:  Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
12:  Write a short story using alphabet soup.
13:  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
14:  Make up a language and ask for directions.

I know some of you may have already used one or more of these sanity-saving stress reducers.  Feel free to try the rest, before you wind up like this guy.

thank you for holding

#455

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YUK! YUK!

Over at her website, Benzeknees has established Tickle Me Tuesdays, where she reprints funny little stories she finds.  She also posts other interesting and informative articles.  She’s currently working on A to Z in April.  Why don’t you click on over and have a look.

Not wanting people to think that Benze is the only Canadian with a weird sense of humor, I’ve decided to publish a few myself.  Most of the dumb jokes I encounter, drive here from Quebec….but how they get in my pyjamas, I’ll never know! Vinnie-boom-bah!

This first little joke was percolating to the top of my file to be published, when Benze already posted it a week ago.  In case you didn’t see it, here it comes again.  If you promise to visit Benze’s site, I’ll promise never to duplicate another joke.

IF YOU ARE HAPPY

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow, who decided not to fly south for the winter.  However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.  In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to ground in a farmyard, almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.  The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him, and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy, and able to breathe, he started to sing.  Just then, a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.  The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

This story contains three morals:

  1.  Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
  2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
  3. If you’re warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!!!

SPEAK UP

An elderly woman phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called her – and that, on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.  The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog, or senile old lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in the test set, and dialled the subscriber’s house.  The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.  Climbing down from the pole, the repairman found:

  1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
  2. The wire connecting the ground rod was loose.
  3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
  4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning, and then urinate on himself and the ground.
  5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Benze had a story about a husband and wife exchanging bodies.  This is another look at the situation.

WELCOME HOME

Hubby comes home from work, and the house is a mess!!   Wifey is curled up on the couch in her pyjamas, eating chocolates and watching soaps.  The kids are dirty and running around the house screaming.  Stuff has been knocked and spilled on the floors.  The litter box hasn’t been emptied, the sink is full of dirty dishes, and there’s no supper ready.

He demands to know, What The F**k is going on.  She smiles up at him angelically and says, “You know the Nothing I do around here all the time?  Well, today I didn’t do it!”

ICE FISHING

One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into it.  A loud voice said, “There are no fish down there!”  He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into it, and again, the voice said, “There are no fish down there!”  He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole, and again the voice said, “There are no fish down there!”  He looked up and drunkenly asked, “God, is that you??”  “No, you idiot,” the voice replied, “it’s the arena manager!”

A laugh a day, keeps sanity away, or at least, that’s what happened to me.