Being A Baby About One-Liners

Baby

People ask me what I’d like for my 76th birthday….
….I tell them, a paternity suit.

I’ve got rid of all my winter fat….
….Now I have spring rolls.

A bike in town keeps running me over….
….It’s a vicious cycle.

Is a cow that won’t give milk a milk dud….
….or an udder failure?

I’m so good at sleeping….
….I can do it with my eyes closed

I took a video of my shoe yesterday….
….It has some great footage.

Today at the bank, an old woman asked me to check her balance….
….so I pushed her over.

Average things are manufactured….
….in the satisfactory.

My wife says I’m absolutely useless at fixing appliances….
….Well, she’s in for a shock

I have a black belt in origami….
….I made it myself

How many lawyers does it take to fill an ambulance?….
….I don’t know. No-one’s ever tried to save one.

We don’t have an alarm system….
….I was just standing on the cat

A horse walks into a bar….
….The bartender says, ”Hey.”….
….The horse replies, “Sure.”

A hermit is….
….a man who goes off by himself

To improve my sex life I took Viagra and a bit of cannabis….
….I just ended up with stiff joints.

I can eat sugar with either hand….
….I’m ambi-dextrose.

Two guys walk into a bar….
….The third one ducked

Would you like to hear a construction joke?….
….Well, I’m still working on it.

Wanna hear a roof joke?….
….Okay, the first one’s on the house.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing….
….but mean your Mother

Ghosts like to ride in elevators….
….because it raises their spirits

I just spent $10,000 on home improvements….
….Now my home wants to leave me.

I’ve been watching women’s beach volleyball, and there was a wrist injury….
….but I should be okay by tomorrow

If you have a lot of math nerds in your family….
….you have square roots

What do electricians discuss?….
….Current events

 

Say What?

I keep bitching about precision of language usage, saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.  Have you mastered the art of effective communication?  The following are excerpts from actual letters received by Welfare Departments, asking for support.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children.  I have seven children, but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year, and has been regularly visited by the clergy.

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

I want my money as quick as I can get it.  I’ve been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good.  If things don’t improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

This is my eighth child.  What are you going to do about it?

You have changed my little boy to a girl.  Will this make any difference?

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds.  I hope this is satisfactory.

I cannot get sick pay.  I have six children.  Can you tell me why?

Please find out for certain if my husband is dead.  The man I am now living with can’t eat or do anything until he knows.

 

This Is His Life

 

From 20 to 30 – If a man lives right, it’s once in the morning and twice at night.

From 30 to 40 – If he still lives right, he misses a morning, and sometimes at night.

From 40 to 50 – It’s just now and then.

From 50 to 60 – Its God knows when.

From 60 to 70 – If he’s still inclined, but don’t let him kid you.  It’s still on his mind.

His sporting days are over, his little light is out.

What used to be his sex appeal, is now his water spout.

It used to be embarrassing to make the thing behave.

For nearly every morning, it stood and watched him shave.

But now it’s getting older, and it sure gives him the blues,

To have it dangling down his legs, and watch him clean his shoes.

 

Cucumbers Are Better Than Men, Because:

 

The average cucumber is AT LEAST six inches long.

Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

A cucumber won’t get TOO excited.

A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.

Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

You can eat a cucumber when YOU feel like it.

A cucumber doesn’t care if you’re a virgin.

Cucumbers won’t ask:  Am I the best?  How was it?  Did you come?  How many times?

No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

A cucumber won’t pout if you have a headache.

With a cucumber, you never have to say you’re sorry.

A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.

You always know where your cucumber has been.

Cucumbers don’t leave you wondering for a month.

It’s easy to drop a cucumber.

No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke, and eat it too!!