Score One For Fibbing Fridays

A history lesson from Pensitivity101.

1. Why was the Mona Lisa smiling that enigmatic smile?

Because she got her hair done, just in time for the portrait.

2. Who painted The Laughing Cavalier?

Actually, it was Lenny, from Rodrigo’s Painting and Decorating, but it wasn’t his fault.  If the horse’s ass rider hadn’t been yucking it up, and had been paying more attention to where he was going, instead of his Smart Phone, he wouldn’t have walked under Lenny’s ladder.

3. As per the song why was the Policeman laughing?

Because his unmarried daughter had just told him that she was pregnant with twins, and he knew that she had never been on a double date in her life.

4. Who sang ‘I started a Joke?’

That was Chris Rock, just before Will Smith got up and slapped him.

5. From which film did Little April Shower come from?

It was a porno flick, titled Golden Memories.

6. What was the family harvesting in the Panorama programme on April 1^st 1957?

That was spaghetti, but it was a meager crop, because spaghetti trees do not do well in England.  The only things the UK has in abundance, are pea-soup fogs, and Carry On movies.  The Italian TV networks seemed to have no reason to boast about their bumper crops of penne, and rotini.  And the trees near the Mediterranean shore were laden with lots of juicy calamari.

7. Who played the Court Jester?

That was Richard Moll, playing bailiff, Bull Shannon, in the hilarious TV series, Night Court.  Oh, the rest of the cast were amusing, but Bull brought a serious silliness to his character, like the time he tried to stop an escaping male tween.  He jumped out in front of him in the corridor, and pointed his finger at the kid, who said, “Yeah??!  Waddya gonna do with that?”  Bull replied, “Poke a 4-inch hole in your forehead if you don’t stop.”

8. Why are Jokers wild?

Because they think that they are hilarious, but no-one else does, or takes them seriously until someone has been injured.  The video for vocal group, Home Free’s version of Castle On The Hill is a sad example.  The she of the featured couple is the worst.  She steals toilet paper from an outhouse, before her he is finished, convinces him to climb over a locked gate, to TP the tree in someone’s back yard, pushes him backward off a dock into shallow water at the edge of a small lake, ignoring possible rocks or submerged branches, and ends by handling fireworks and shooting roman candles at each other.  What fun!!  Adding another entry to the Darwin Awards list.  😯

9. In which country is April 1^st officially a bank holiday?

That would be Lichtenstein.  It’s a land-locked little country, high up in the Alps where you can get a Flag Of Convenience for your ocean-going ships, to evade avoid onerous restrictions, such as high taxes, safety regulations, and minimum-wage laws.  The entire country is scarcely larger than the parking lot of a good-sized McDonalds, but they manage to shoe-horn in dozens of discreet, don’t ask – don’t tell, financial institutions, where movie stars, drug lords, and tin-horn African despots hide their ill-gotten riches and filthy lucre.

10. If today is your birthday, what star sign are you?

No Stopping!
No Standing!
No Loitering!

He took her for a car-ride, and showed her a sign that said, Yield.
She showed him one that read, Refuse.

*

Senior Texting Comedy

Teens have their texting codes (LOL, TMI, OMG, TTYL, etc.).

Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD – At the Doctor’s

BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral

BTW – Bring the Wheelchair

CBM – Covered by Medicare

CUATSC – See You at the Senior Centre

DWI – Driving While Incontinent

FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

FYI – Found Your Insulin

GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA – Got Heartburn Again

IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL – Living on Lipitor

OMMR – On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing.. Can’t get up!

TOT – Texting on Toilet

TTYL – Talk to You Louder

WTP – Where are the Prunes?

WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

SYAG – See you at the Gathering

***

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

The man said “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

“The gun was loaded with blanks,” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair.”

***

An old geezer became bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$.  So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh!! — “This is Gasoline.”  Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”  Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory; I cannot remember anything,”  Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so,” Here’s your $1000 back.” (Giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”

😳

Make Book On Humor

Subject: Muslim Bookstore

So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore.

The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me.

I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

***

This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly,  “As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because my mum said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World.”

***

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”

***

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.”

“Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

Birthday Fibbing Friday

I paddled up the canal to Pensitivity101’s house, skillfully passing narrow-boats in my Kevlar inflatable kayak.  When I drew near, I heard her talking about musical reasons for more lies.  She wanted to know:  Who sang these?

1. Money, Money, Money
   

A duet between Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, recorded at the Scrooge McDuck Studio.
2.   Another Brick in the Wall

Donald Trump, but he never even got the wall started.  Apparently, the Mexicans couldn’t get financing, even with him co-signing.
3.   Rocket Man

Elon Musk
4.   Everybody wants to rule the world

Vladimir Putin
5.   Life on Mars

The NASA Philharmonic and Choir
6.   Monster Mash

Gordon Ramsay
7.   Tiptoe through the Tulips

The City By-law Enforcement Officer who had to put up all the signs in the park that read:

All dogs must be on a leash!
Owners must pick up after their dogs!
Fine $75

8. I wanna hold your hand

Every Black guy, stopped by a white, American cop.  It’s better than him holding your neck for eight minutes, with his knee
9.   Ruby Tuesday

Glinda the Good Witch’s younger cousin, Myrna The Mediocre Witch of the Flea Market.  She was the one who sold the fancy red shoes to Dorothy.
10. Get the Party Started.

In Canada, it was Teresa May, the optimistic head of the Green One-Trick-Pony  One-Seat-Party, but you may have her ilk where you live, idealistic, but ultimately useless.

A Perfectly Good Day – Ruined!

 

The son recently collided with “What If?’
Somebody rear-ended him on his way home from work.

He left work at 7:30 AM.  Four or five blocks down the 4-lane, cross-town thoroughfare, he realized he’d forgotten his drink thermos at work, and went back to get it.  Back on the road again, he was soon humming along in the center lane, in light, 8 AM traffic.  Suddenly the car, two vehicles ahead, came to a complete stop, to make a left-turn across two lanes of oncoming traffic.  The car behind it slammed on its brakes, and the son managed an abrupt stop.  He just had time to look in the rear-view mirror to see a windshield way too close.

THUMP!!

Damn!

Now the What If kicked in.  What If I hadn’t gone back?  I’d be home, safe, having a snack.

The other driver works in the next city, 15 miles away.  He was also coming home after a midnight shift – a little tired, a little distracted, with perception, attention and reflexes a bit slowed.  The son lifted the tailgate, and used the big, flat storage surface as a writing desk to exchange information.  We both have the same insurance company, just different brokers.

Neither driver called the police, but someone must have.  Soon, a sport-brute, Police power-wagon pulled up behind them, and Officer Zygote turned on his flashers and climbed out.  The son said, “I felt like John Wayne in True Grit.  Hell, I’ve got work-boots older than this kid.  Is he really old enough to drive that thing?”

He spoke to the cop first.  They were just finishing when a steady drizzle began.  He and his co-worker passenger sat comfortable and dry in the back under the improvised awning, while the other two exchanged info in the rain.  It’s not the vehicle damage that’s the biggest piss-off.  The insurance company will pay to fix that.  It’s the lost time, and bureaucracy.

Already 30 minutes behind, the officer told them that they had to go to the Police Accident Reporting Center on the south edge of town.  The son dropped off his co-worker, and drove another 20 minutes to get there.  With COVID, you don’t just walk in and report.  There’s a sign on the door, instructing people to text an extension.  You are assigned a number, and wait your turn.  Thinking that there would be a delay, the son called home to report, and woke me.

He was immediately called in, and had to tell me that he’d call and explain later.  Cute, little, blond, female, Special Reporting Constable took his report, and slapped a Police sticker on the bumper.  She was impressed that he had all the necessary information at hand.  Car accidents do not bring out the best in people.  Many of them stumble in, not sure of their own name, much less the other driver’s, licence plates, insurance policy numbers, etc.

Now the clerical haze began to thicken.  First, the son re-called me, and explained.  When he arrived home, it was after 9:00 AM, so he called the actual insurance company.  Then he called the broker, and talked to the agent.  Then he called his passenger to tell him that he was now part of an official accident report, and might get a call from police and/or the insurance company.  Next, he chose one of the two authorized repair shops, called them, and drove over for an inspection and repair estimate.

Damn these all-electronic cars!!  Two of the three back-up proximity sensors don’t work.  The impact is barely visible to the naked eye, but the entire wrap-around bumper may have to be replaced.  A June-bug splat may take $2000/$3000 to fix.  We might never know the final cost.  The insurance company will pay, and the agents can argue it out.

On the way home from the body shop, the son heard a traffic report on the radio.  We have a report of a collision in the center, westbound lane, Victoria at Chestnut.  Property damage, but no report of injuries.  Be careful in that area.  The son said, “That was over an hour ago.  I’ve been home twice since then.  I always wanted to be on the radio, but not this way.”

Since the car would be in the shop for several days, he had to call a car-rental agency to arrange for a replacement.  He took a pain reliever and a muscle relaxant.  The wife told him to call the Chiropractor, who had an immediate opening, and took him in, but he had to later call the insurance company again, and speak to the Personal Claims clerk to get this, and continuing treatments, covered.

What if?  What if??  What If??!  Like the story of how a wasp in a car caused an accident and killed three passengers, such a tiny irritation has caused so much chaos and confusion.

***

We lost our handicapped parking permit.  We took it from our car, and put it in the rental.  When we returned the rental to the body shop, we both forgot to remove it.  A week later, some woman in a parking lot got pissy when we pulled into a handicap spot.  “Where’s the permit??”  The repair shop staff deny ever seeing it.  The young man from Enterprise, who retrieved and cleaned the rental, claims it wasn’t there.  Today, we begin the arduous bureaucratic, and possibly expensive, task of replacing it.

Flash Fiction #250

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot

THE LONG, SLOW CLIMB

When is a Starbucks not a Starbucks?  When it’s right across the street from the city hall, but in a building that’s designated Historic, on which they can’t hang any exterior signs.

He’d studied welding in Community College, till he found out about clothing fires, toxic fumes, and blindness from ‘welders’ eye.’  Waiting for his barista betrothed, he was soon as adept as any employee, and was quickly hired, himself.

COVID slashed their hours and income in half, but it did give him free time to study online, as a Civil Engineer.  Education is the best way up and out.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a visual prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Missing Punch Line

A man walks into a police station and tells the desk sergeant, “My wife’s gone missing.”

The desk sergeant says, – “How long has your wife been missing?”

-The man replies, “About a month.”

The desk sergeant says, “A month?! Why are you just reporting it?”

The man answer, “- “I can’t find any clean clothes.”

***

The newly married man asked his bride, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Darling,” she replied sweetly.  “I’d have married you no matter who left you the fortune.”

***

12 Commandments For Seniors

#1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop making you mad.

#4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”

#6 – “On time” is when you get there.

#7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

#9 – Lately, You’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 – Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.

#12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:

“One for the road” means going to the bathroom before you leave the house.

***

Jokes That Ring A Bell

Is it true that telemarketers don’t have managers….
….they have ring leaders?

Is it true that it only takes one telemarketer to change a light bulb….
….but they have to do it while you’re eating dinner? 

Is it true that the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate….
….because he was afraid the ring would give him away?

The other day I had a call from a telemarketer in Egypt….
….I think they were trying to sell me on a pyramid scheme. 

If a zombie was a telemarketer….
….would you call him a dead ringer?

Did you hear about the crow who worked as a telemarketer?….
…. He was fired for Just Caws.

I have a friend who really enjoys his job as a telemarketer….
….it seems he has found his calling.

Last week I went fishing for telephones….
…. but they kept ringing off the hook.

The other night I left my phone under my pillow and when I woke up it was gone and there was a $5 bill in its place….
…. I think might have been the Bluetooth fairy.

I just can’t picture myself….
….without a camera phone.

***

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

***

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50.

A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: “$45 due for consultation”.

***

There were three restaurants on the same street. One day, one of them put up a sign said, “The Best Restaurant in the City.”
The next day, the second restaurant put up a larger sign which said, “The Best Restaurant in the World.”
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said, “The Best Restaurant on this street.”

***

 

Flash Fiction #236

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

FAIR TRADE

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t!  You get down off a duck.

I got a dog for my wife.
Seems like a good swap.

I saw a sign that said, Watch For Children.
I thought, that’s a fair trade.

Maybe I could get the Traders to exchange some new jokes for these old ones.  I would trade two weeks of COVID isolation for a fortnight visit to Wilmington, NC, to see how it took 75 years for Southerners to trade their insecure, racist bigotry, for acceptance, and peaceful coexistence.  It’s still not perfect, but it’s better.

***

Join the merry band of Friday Fictioneers.  Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple https://rochellewisoff.com/ site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Flash Fiction #226

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE

I came off the Parkway, to surface streets, and at the top of the ramp stood a 30ish female with a sign saying

Homeless and Hungry
Anything will help

Seat-belted in, guys can’t reach wallets. Women with purses are good marks.

Clothes are neat and clean – there’s an insulated bag, stuffed with something. Under/behind it is a $125 backpack, better than mine. Its carry-handles tied around a sign-post, is a Wal-Mart bag full of groceries, including four cans of Campbell’s soups. It’s hard to make those up over a campfire.

I’m not saying she’s a scammer, but she looks it. 😳

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Smitty’s Loose Change #12

We (the wife) have acquired a new medical specialist, a Physiatrist (fizz-eye-aah-tryst). This is a term invented by another doctor in 1957. It originally was an alternative to physician, or GP, to distinguish from the growing horde of specialists. Over the ensuing 60 years though, it has come to refer to a doctor who specializes in pain management and control.

He recommends and co-ordinates with chiropractors, osteopaths, massage therapists, and physiotherapists. He can prescribe specific medications, but usually leaves it to the patient and their GP. He can recommend exercises for specific muscle groups, for home, gym or physio sessions. As a last resort, he is trained and authorized to administer injections of analgesics or cortisones.

His clinic is not – and may never be – authorized to administer the long-term, IV-drip, pain-med infusions that I drive the daughter 60 miles every 8/9 weeks to get.

***

I recently got a phone call from a polling firm, working on behalf of my electricity supplier, Kitchener-Wilmot Hydro. While seeming simple, the questions were actually rather confusing. They wanted to know why I had chosen K/W Hydro, and what it would take for me to recommend them to another potential user.

They asked about draws, perhaps one or more customers could have their monthly charge written off. The finances are a closed system. It takes X amount of money to purchase and distribute power. If one (or more) people don’t have to pay, then the rest of us all have to pay a bit more. I don’t want to pay any extra, and, if I were to win, I’d feel guilty about the rest paying more.

Then they asked about rebates. If they can afford to give rebates, then they’re overcharging us. The final suggestion was to donate money to charity. It’s a feel-good idea, but, either they’re overcharging, or we’re all going to pay more, to finance that scheme.

I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but the truly bizarre thing about all this is that they hold a monopoly. No other power-supply company can operate in this district. We have Hobson’s choice – take it, or else. The only other options are to freeze in the dark, or buy a Honda generator at Home Despot. And, my bill went up to help pay for this useless survey.

***

I’ve been translating German names again. Some of them give cause for wonder/amusement.
Einwechter = one – of a half. One what?? Of a half of what? I suppose the Germans know.
Kieswetter = cheese weather – which is a sky overcast with small, dark, chunky clouds that resemble cheese curds. How in Hell you get named after rain clouds, I don’t know. No wonder these people tried to conquer Europe – Twice

***

Arbitrary

How you’ve heard it: “His bookshelves are organized in a totally arbitrary way. “What it means: Random, erratic, unpredictable, not based on coherent logic whatsoever.

It may be unpredictable to you. It may appear erratic, but it is not random! ‘Arbitrary’ means selected, or chosen. The books on the shelf may be arranged by size, by color, by the number of pages, or even in reverse alphabetical order of the authors’ first names. You may not see the order. You may not agree with the logic, but the owner arbitrarily chose it. He may even have chosen random.

***

My neurologist, the guy who probably saved my sight – the doctor who was willing to throw me in the trunk of his car and drive me 60 miles to a hospital specializing in eye health – has been charged with 34 counts of sexual harassment, and had his medical license revoked. I did not see that coming.

***

We recently survived another Federal election. One of the son’s co-workers asked him – based on the number of lawn signs – who he felt would be the winner in our neighborhood. The son replied that it looked like Re/Max Realty was out ahead, with Century 21 close behind. The son held out hope for a young upstart named Butter Tart Festival, holding a revival meeting at a local tourist trap. The worker protested, “Aren’t you ever serious?” “Sometimes.” “See, there you go again.” Ya just can’t win.