And Now For Some MATH One-Liners

MATH stands for….
….Mental Abuse To Humans.

I put my root beer in a square glass….
….Now it’s just beer.

Do you know what seems odd to me?….
….Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?….
….It’s two gross.

What are ten things you can always count on?….
….Your fingers.

How can you make seven an even number?….
….Just remove the S.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100….
….She’s a perfect 10, but imaginary.

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
….He could binomials.

Why was the equal sign so humble?….
….She knew that she wasn’t greater or less than anyone else.

Why did Pi get his drivers’ licence revoked?….
….He didn’t know when to stop.

Are vampires good at math?….
….Not if you Count Dracula.

Why is math codependent?….
….It relies on others to solve its problems.

How can you stay warm in a cold room?….
….Huddle in the corner.  It’s always 90 degrees.

Why was algebra so easy for the Romans?….
….X was always 10.

What did the zero say to the eight?….
….Nice belt.

Did you hear the joke about the statistician?…

He got soaked crossing a river….
….because it was one foot deep on average.

Why is statistics no-one’s favorite subject?….
….It’s just average.

When you keep missing math class….
….It really starts to add up.

Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?….
….Just cos.

What did the triangle say to the circle?….
….You’re pointless.

What shape should you always be careful of?….
….A trap-azoid.

Who’s the King of the pencil case?….
….The ruler.

What do baby parabolas drink?….
….Quadratic formula.

What do you call an angle that’s gone through the garbage disposal?….
….A wrecked-angle.

Fighting For One-Liners

I just won my first cage fight….
….The parrot didn’t know what hit him.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue….
….I couldn’t put it down.

I hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house….
….He did every other thing on the list.

I made strawberry jam today….
….It was a jarring experience.

….Eating an entire bag of chips by mistake.

Women only have two problems….
….Nothing to wear, and no room for all their clothes.

Life is like a helicopter….
….I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

It’s probably just my age….
…That tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

The Devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”….
….I said, “Bring pizza.”

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking about politics….
….Someone will show up to argue with you.

When a clock is hungry….
….It goes back four seconds.

I often break into song….
….Because I can’t find the key.

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay….
….For the 22nd time.

I’m not lazy….
….I’m just in Energy-Saving Mode.

What do you call a person who studies soft drinks?….
….A Fizzicist.

If I eat 3 bags of chips, and drink 4 cans of soda, what do I have?….
….No self-control.

My wife said, “I’m going out for a couple of hours.  Do you want anything?”….
….I replied, No, that’s enough.”

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I started reading the dictionary….
….By 3:00 AM I was past caring.

To the two criminals who stole my calendar….
….I hope you both get six months.

Did you hear about the criminal who pick-pocketed a dwarf?….
….How could he stoop so low?

I’ve heard of a lot of dumb criminals….
….But bakery robbers take the cake.

I think I need professional help….
….A chef, a butler, and a maid should do it.

Did you know that 2 or 3 glasses of wine a day….
….Can reduce your chances of giving a shit.

Let’s talk again, after they find….
….A cure for your personality.

Tradition is….
….Peer pressure from the dead.

My New Year’s resolution is to procrastinate….
….I’ll start tomorrow.

’21 A To Z Challenge – I








Well, let me tell you about Ahab the Arab.  Or you could just click on that title, and let Crazy Ray Stevens tell the story.

Ahab claims that he snuck into Fatima’s tent, and….

There he saw Fatima layin’ on a zebra skin rug with Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes and a bone in her nose ho, ho.  There she was, friends, lyin’ there in all her radiant beauty, eating on a raisin, grape, apricot, pomegranate, bowl of chitterlin’s, two bananas, three Hershey bars, sipping on a RC co-cola listenin’ to her transistor, watchin’ the Grand Ole Opry on the tube, readin’ a Mad Magazine while she sung, “Does your chewing gum lose it’s flavor? “Ahab doesn’t mention me being there, but I was.  I was giving Fatima lessons in being


Having or showing a disposition to avoid exertion; slothful:
inactive or relatively benign:
slow, inactive, sluggish, torpid.

Maybe Ahab figured that I was a eunuch.  Perhaps he thought that I was just another overstuffed pillow.  It’s hard – literally – being indolent on a zebra-skin rug.  The sand underneath is very unforgiving, and it gets into some uncomfortable places.  I said to Fatima, right after she got back from giving the Sultan a lube job, that we were in Persia – try to get the Great Camel-Chaser to provide some softer Persian rugs.

There was a lot more fruit in that bowl before Fatima got back.  If I’m going to be obese, I’m going to do it the healthy way.  Chocolate is bad for my complexion, and R C Cola???!!….  They say that Coke can be used to remove rust from cars, but the government should stockpile    R C Cola in case some of the UFOs they are studying turn out to be extraterrestrial.  A high-velocity spray of that stuff can repulse aliens, and destroy their craft.

COVID shutdowns are finally being relaxed.  I’m not quite as relaxed about that, but Oktoberfest is on its way, and I’m practicing my impersonation of Roll Out The Barrel.  I’ll trundle back over and publish another fascinating post on Wednesday – right after I snitch another fig from that bowl.  😉

Lost And Found

Some people can handle electronic communication.  Most people can’t even handle reality.  I notice, among those blogs I read, that some folks are connected just about every way there is to be connected.  Besides the blog, there is Facebook, and Pinterest, and Stumbledupon, and, and….you know who you are, and all the ways you have for others to feed your egos.

Every day there are more videos of inattentive fools walking into fountains, and light poles and each other.  I watched one walk off the edge of a train platform yesterday.  He really smashed his left knee on the edge of the platform, and then banged his shoulder and head on the steel rail.  Ontario has passed a law prohibiting the use of handheld electronic devices by the driver of a vehicle.

The Mayor of Toronto was photographed reading a document while driving to work.  A newspaper columnist asked if it was not illegal to take a picture of him while driving, but it could well have been a passenger who did so.  There was a small plane crash in British Columbia, which killed the pilot who was thankfully, the sole occupant.  The best guess for a cause was that he was texting while flying.  “Hey, Bob, do clouds have lumps in them?  IMHO LMFAO LOL WTF?”  Splat!

The Region of Waterloo and the twin cities of Kitchener and Waterloo are proceeding with light-rail transit.  This was started a few years ago, when both the local and world economies were in much better shape.  Despite the economic down-turn, they are determined to forge ahead.

We will get our own tax money back from the Provincial and Federal governments to cover about two-thirds of the projected cost, and be responsible for the balance ourselves directly.  We are told that it will cost nine hundred thousand dollars, so the local taxpayers will have to pay three hundred grand, but what government project ever came in, even close to budget?  My bet is that it will run a billion and a quarter, and taxes will rise.

We were also told at the beginning, that this was to provide needed transportation upgrades, but independent studies have proved that to be a lie.  Politicians lying to us??!  I’m appalled!!  They have finally admitted that this is a scheme to improve the city cores.  Old stores have been converted to condos downtown.  We convinced two departments of the big community college to build near the city hall, and an old tannery building has been converted to high-tech offices, including a local Google branch.  All very nice, but it’s going to cost!

The city has been busy trying to expropriate bits of land for right-of-ways, and stations.  They wanted to hack the front off one property for road widening, and found that the city already owned the strip in question.  Further to the south, they took bits off several properties, until they came to one particular piece.  They only needed an inches-wide strip, just over a square yard off this narrow property.  Found, one un-claimed piece of land!  Lost, the legal owner!

A century ago, a business-man and his wife established and owned a well-known local soft-drink company.  At that time, it was way out past the edge of the city.  Now, of course, it’s well within city boundaries, and right where they want to run the street-railroad.  The plant is long since torn down and the property sold.  This narrow lot may have been part of the land their home sat on, but it was never sold.  The newspaper article says, “It doesn’t even have an address.  It sits between 530 and 534.”  Then, wouldn’t it be number 532?  What it doesn’t have, is a building with a visible number on it.

The plant was sold in 1944, and the newspaper says there has been no commercial activity for that location for 68 years, no sales, no purchases, no leases, no building permits.  Does anybody notice what I noticed?  No tax notices mailed, no taxes paid and nobody asking why not.  The longer it lasts, the deeper it gets buried.  Did no-one, in sixty-eight years, think to ask about it?

The only son and his wife are both long dead, and childless.  The city is asking the public’s help in locating any possible heirs.  The two adjoining properties don’t accrue ownership, but may have acquired easement rights.  Oh!  This one is going to be a long, complicated and expensive problem, all for a couple of inches off the front.  Why not just seize it for unpaid back taxes?

The city is receiving assistance from a local historian named rych mills.  That’s pronounced Rich and, like k. d. lang, he doesn’t capitalize his artsy name.  The paper has told us in previous articles where he was involved, that he doesn’t capitalize his name….and then they capitalize it in the articles.

The section of town where this property is, is our skid row, populated by hookers, drug dealers and users, three tattoo parlors and a methadone clinic.  I can understand the city hoping to improve it, but, will it just move the problem somewhere else?  Is anyone else old enough to have seen the Jack Lemmon movie, Days of Wine and Roses?  His girlfriend lives in a terrible New York tenement apartment, infested with cockroaches.  He bug-bombs the apartment, to drive them out, and almost gets attacked by the residents of neighboring apartments where he drives the bugs.