Time Hobbles On

Growing “Older”
How many do you identify with??

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me (sobbing): “I can’t see you anymore — I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
My physical exercise instructor (exasperated): “But you did only one sit-up.”

I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being senior is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’m lazy. The truth is, I’m just being energy efficient.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, that once you get old you to stop being polite and start being honest.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the COVID vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?  😕

A Fibbing Friday With Connections

Pensitivity101’s theme was song connections this past week.  As usual, I’m a week late, and a joke short.

1. Who recorded Mouldy Old Dough?

It was a lament by Scrooge McDuck, until he managed to get his money vault climate controlled, and the deterioration stopped.  In today’s electronic banking age, all his little digital ones and zeros are spiffy clean and shiny.

  1. What colour icing was on the cake in MacArthur Park?

If it was in MacArthur Park, it would have been tartan.  It slid sideways in the picnic basket, and touched some of the other food.  That’s how we got Green Eggs and Ham.

3. Who sang they were made out of Gingerbread?

Whoever they were, they were likely British of some flavour.  North Americans are so addicted to sugar that we put it in our breads.  USA Americans purchase so much sweet pastries that they can’t even spell Krispy Kreme correctly.  Canadians are a bit better, but our national coffee shop chain, Tim Horton’s, singlehandedly supports the honey industry.

4. Who sang Tutti Frutti?

The 1910 Fruitgum Company??

5. Who recorded Green Onions?

Booker T (Jones) and the M.G. – which stands/stood for Memphis Group.  The hypercorrect incorrect lie was that it was MGs, and referred to hot-damned MG cars, because it was released at the peak of surfer/hot-rod rock.

6. Who had a boy lollipop?

A lot of people!  The girl lollipops don’t have that long stick.  Just think what you’ve been grasping, all these years.

7. What is a Tangerine Dream?

That’s the witness protection alias of a Dutch international banking and financial institution.  They came to North America as ING, and confused lots of people.  (That’s a low bar to clear)  Folks wondered, Are they lyING?  Are they borING?  Are they gougING? So they became ING Direct.  The fog only became thicker, so they suddenly became Tangerine, and the confusion all cleared up.

8. Sugar Sugar or Honey Honey?

Yes please!  But on alternate mornings.  My incipient diabetes can only take so much.

9. Who sang Sugar Pie Honey Bunch?

Kellogg’s Cereals, and Post Cereals, did for years, until consumer protection groups and pediatric nutrition organizations forced them to reformulate their breakfast foods out of psyllium fiber and bran powder, making the boxes more appetizing and nutritious.

10. Do you need Hot Butter for Popcorn?

Not always.  Sometimes I like mine sprinkled with Tex-Mex flavor powder, but only if it’s prepared by the Muppets’ Swedish Chef.

’22 A To Z Challenge – N

 

NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!

Now that I have your attention….  I got nothing.  😳

I would like to believe that Vladimir Putin won’t go as far as to start lobbing nukes, just because he can’t get his petulant, entitled way, and take possession of a chunk of Europe best known for its export of strippers and mail-order brides.  I think that he will come to his senses prior to that point, but I’ve been wrong before.

He guaranteed his sycophantic nincompoop BFF, The Donald Trump, an uninterrupted supply of future trophy wives, and we all saw how much and how often his reign term in office went bad.

I used the word nincompoop intentionally.  It has come to have a soft, inept, amusing, meaning, but it came from the Latin, non compos mentis – not in one’s right mind, crazy, F**king insane!

I once read an article by an American writer (Whom I did not know was American), in the (Canadian) Macleans Magazine, which described a Canadian politician as a

NUMSKULL

I agreed with his assessment, but sent him a snippy email which read, “It’s numbskull, not numskull, you numbskull.”  He responded with considerable restraint and grace, telling me that he put a B in the word when he submitted it, but that someone at the magazine had edited it out, apparently to make room to add a U to one of his other words, to make it ‘colour.’

NEVER MIND

I felt like such a nitwit.  😳

’22 A To Z Challenge – D

 

A number of word-nerds often wish that some older, arcane and archaic words were still in common use, if only to provide insults for the office prankster, the Karen supervisor, and the sneak-thief who steals lunches from the break-room refrigerator.

Then there are terms that even word historians wonder how and why they came into existence, and no-one misses when they’re gone.  Such a one is

DELIVERLY

When I first ran into it, I thought it was just a misspelling.  Even when I checked it on a dictionary site, there was the red underlining, but it admitted that it was real, and meant
adverb Archaic. quickly, deftly.
A Middle English word dating back to 1300–50

If we had quickly and deftly, why did we need deliverly??  It is related to the old command to, “Stand and deliver!”  This was not about a parcel, or a speech.  It referred to a quick, deft, armed response to the challenge.

Everything old is being used for something new.  People are not shopping at bricks and mortar stores anymore.  Instead, they buy online, and have things delivered to them.  I occasionally see FedEx, or Purolator, or DHL, or even Canpar (Canadian Parcel Service) trucks in the neighborhood, but there’s not a day when I don’t see a local, Intense Delivery Service, Mercedes Sprinter van, delivering up and down the street.

Sad to admit, it has stopped at our place more than a few times.  The wife will say, “I wonder if that knitting pattern book that I ordered, will be delivered today.” – and her tablet will chime, with a photo of the package on the porch.  So, if you want your delivery deliverly delivered, use an Intense courier company.  😉

How was my delivery of this post?  Please be quick and deft with your responses.  😀

’22 A To Z Challenge – B

 

Good afternoon class.  Today we’re going to discuss a phoney and valueless word, which came to epitomise a phoney and valueless city.  If it fell out of the mouths of anyone other than Englishmen, it would be Birmingham, but the rustic tongues of the northern shires turned it into

Brummagem

bruhmuh-juhm ]

showy but inferior and worthless

WHAT IS THE ORIGIN OF BRUMMAGEM?

Brummagem, an adjective and noun meaning “showy but inferior and worthless; something of that kind,” comes from the local Birmingham (England) pronunciation of Birmingham. The original (and standard) spelling and pronunciation of the city is bir-; the nonstandard or dialect spelling bru– is an example of metathesis, the transposition of sounds, a very common phenomenon.

Compare Modern English bird with Middle English brid (brid was the dominant spelling until about 1475; the spelling bird is first recorded about 1419).

The name Birmingham is first recorded as Bermingeham in William the Conqueror’s Domesday Book (1086); spelling variants with Br- first appear in 1198 as Brumingeham. In the mid-17th century Birmingham was renowned for its metalworking and notorious for counterfeit coins.  At the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, there was an abundance of both metal, and men who knew how to work it.  It was easy to substitute cheap steel for valuable silver.

Brummagem entered English in the second half of the 17th century.

My Scottish ancestors, up in Glasgow, might steal an Englishman’s silver coins, or serve him a bowl of dodgy oatmeal, but they’d never stoop to counterfeiting.  Some of them might have been crooks, but they were honorable, honest crooks.   😉  😳

Looking Back – Again

The weirdest things formerly taught in schools

Part Two:

Pluto is a planet

Kids used to be taught that our solar system has nine planets, and that Pluto was the ninth.

They were taught wrong. On August 24, 2006, the icy ball 7.5 billion kilometers away had its status downgraded to “dwarf planet,” courtesy of the International Astronomical Union.

It didn’t have enough gravity to clear its orbit of debris, which is one of the characteristics required to be considered a planet,” says Mary Colson, an eighth-grade teacher.

Darkroom skills

While some schools may for retro reasons offer photography darkroom courses, digital technology has largely killed the need to go into dark rooms and develop film in baths of toxic chemicals. Besides the dangerous chemicals, equipment and supplies for the outdated developing processes are hard to find.

Diagramming sentences

In the days of old, elementary students were taught to diagram sentences, to understand their underlying structure. These parts might include a subject, a verb, an object, adjectives, adverbs and so on. But the system developed by Reed and Kellogg fell out of favor as educators moved away from such regimented methods of analysis to freer forms of expression.

Using blackboards

The old blackboards and chalk first got downgraded by the introduction of computers and now are increasingly replaced by more versatile whiteboards, which can accommodate eye-catching marker colors and even serve as projection screens. Kids no longer have to clap together two chalk erasers to clean them, sending up clouds of particulate.

“Chalk really isn’t good for anything. It gets all over your hands and your clothes,” agrees a fifth-grade teacher in New Haven.

Note-taking

Before there were smartphones to photograph teacher presentations or record their lectures, students had to take notes—that is, on paper with pen. While technology may be more convenient, research shows that students have to pay more attention to what is being said or shown when they take notes, so they learn better.

Civics

Up to the 1960s, it was common to have separate high school civics courses, designed to teach students about community service and the government. But these courses have been slashed with school budgets, leaving the majority of schools civics-free. Some education experts believe that civics courses develop young people’s critical-thinking skills, making them more engaged in public debates and more likely to participate in elections.

Spelling

Apparently some students might have trouble spelling ABC as schools move away from explicit instruction in spelling, perhaps driven by computers and their easy spell-checks.

Writes a literary expert J. Richard Gentry in Psychology Today: “America has moved to a toxic system for delivering spelling instruction in spite of an extensive and evolving body of research showing that direct and explicit spelling instruction is required for students to master the Mechanics of reading and writing.”

Sewing

Teaching sewing skills to girls has become passé, as gender roles have become less strictly defined.  Still, with six in 10 adults unable to sew well or at all, there might be a rationae for both sexes learning to mend tears, and sew on buttons.

“We have shifted away from the anachronistic view that girls should sew as an acquired life skill. Now we would say that boys or girls who want to go into textiles [need to learn certain skills] and we would try not to be gender specific,” says Julie Nugent, chief executive of the Design and Technology Association.

Math drills

Again, calculators, smartphones and personal computers are making serious math drills less common in schools. But many educators push against the idea of always letting machines do the thinking for us, and losing the chance to exercise our mental chops. The benefits of math drills just add up.

Tough gym classes

Chances are, kids’ memories of gym class today are much different than their parents’. In the 1960s there was a push towards high-intensity fitness regimens. Today kids are more likely to be given choices that let them avoid team sports and sweaty workouts. However, with childhood obesity and sedentary lifestyles at an early age becoming an issue, a return to gym-class tough love might be in order.

A Blast Of One-Liners

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office washroom….
….With an air-horn.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself….
….And stupid – we should fear the shit out of stupid.

Stop shaming fat people….
….They have enough on their plate already.

My wife made me join a bridge club….
….I jump off next Tuesday.

I stayed at a really cheap hotel….
….They stole my towel.

Another name for the Highway to Hell….
….Is the Route of All Evil.

I removed all the bad food from my house….
….It was delicious.

My housekeeping style is best described as….
….”There appears to have been a struggle.”

In wine there is wisdom….
….In water there is bacteria.  You decide.

People just write ‘Congrats’….
….Because they can’t spell ‘Congrajlashins.’

A procrastinator’s work….
….Is never done.

My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son starts dating….
….Apparently jealousy was the wrong answer.

I often question my sanity….
….Occasionally it replies.

A Frenchman asked a librarian for a book on warfare….
….She replied, “You’d only lose it.”

Who invented fractions?….
….Henry the 1/8th

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary….
….I know next to nothing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol….
….Dignity is not one of them.

My stomach is flat….
….The L is silent.

My friend brags that his 3-D printer can print a gun….
….Big deal, I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I have a joke about fireflies….
….That most people say is brilliant.

My dentist asked me when was the last time I flossed my teeth….
I said, “You should remember.  You were there.”

This old-age stuff….
….Has come at a bad time of my life.

Anti-racism is when white people protest….
….Against other white people, for being white.

TILWROT II

Take me out of the ball game.

In the early 1960’s, before I arrived in this burgh, interest in, and support for, Junior, City-League Baseball was waning.  One local team felt that they needed $10,000, a considerable sum, to pay for a year’s uniforms, equipment and transportation costs, and no sponsors were coming forward.

One 16-year-old, baseball-crazy boy had an idea.  He would sit on a 6’ X 6’ platform on top of a 50 foot flagpole in the ball park, until the amount was raised.  He lasted three days, until unexplained stomach pains caused the same fire crew and ladder truck that put him up, to lower him down again.  His almost-feat was recently recounted in the ‘Flash From The Past’ history column in a Saturday newspaper.  His name was Ken Fryfogel.

Things I Learned While Researching Other Things – Act 2 – Fryfogel

The name Fryfogel is very uncommon.  Ancestry.com only has 298 listed in North America.  The unnumbered few in Canada are all in Ontario, and I suspect, most right here in Southwestern Ontario.  I decided to research.

Fryfogel appears to be a Germanic name, like Vogel – which is a bird, or Logel – who was a cooper.  Surname-meaning websites just shrugged.  I tried a translation website, but got nothing.  I tried changing the spelling from ‘el’ to ‘le.’  I tried pulling it apart, into Fry, and fogel – nothing.  I tried entering ‘fogel’ into a dictionary site.  I got, No listing for ‘fogel.’  Did you mean fodgel?’

I don’t know.  Do I??!  I’ve never run into the word.  What does it mean?   Yorkshire/Scottish dialect – a short, fat person-by extension, a fat hen.  So, a Fryfogel is someone who cooks up a big fat chicken.  Twenty miles from here, at the intersection of a concession road and the highway, halfway to Justin Bieber’s ex-home, stands the historic, 200-year-old Fryfogel Inn.  😎  What better name for an innkeeper than one that says that he’ll serve you up some fried chicken along with your ale?

I’ll be serving up some more interesting drivel in a couple of days.  Hope to see you then.  😀

Spam Scam

When I first started blogging, I thought that I could inflate my number of posts by making fun of my spam.  I did one, then later, another, but quickly realized that everybody gets spam, and some of it is a lot more interesting than mine.

Most of the fun ones have disappeared, although I recently received these $2.39 translation program beauties.

March 9, 2019 at 7:18 am  (Edit)

very well claimed!If I recognized effectively… I can’t consider I remaining this eye-catching temperament trait out- unconditional loving compassion!!!I as soon as go through upon a bumper sticker:“Pricey God, Make sure you assist me in the direction of be the particular person my canine believes I am.”I need to don’t forget this each and every working day! Owing for the reminder.

Dear God, help me be the kind of person that my dog thinks I am.  I need to remember.  Thanks for reminding me.

And this one, about my work history:

Hello everyone, it’s my first vsit at this website, and piiece
of writing is genuinely fruitful desibned ffor me, keep up
posting such articles orr reviews.

Just look at those red underlines…. Oh wait, you can’t see them.  All those spelling and grammar mistakes – I hope it’s your last vsit…. Uh, visit.

My spam seems to have settled down to the same six remarks, attached to the same six comments, (one of them only two Emojis) on the same six (old) posts. I get dozens each day, in Spanish, which say, Muchas gracias. ?Como puedo iniciar sesion?  (Thank you very much. How can I log in?)  I regularly get a few, mostly from Hairdressing sites, which say, My goodness.  You seem to have the magic touch.  Any chance you could help me pick a lottery ticket?

A batch of identical ones has recently started pouring in, advertising an herbal treatment for deafness.  That’s about as useful as putting crystals in your car when it runs out of gas.  Only one so far, but I got a glowing, first-person-user review for Dr.(?) X’s absolutely, positively guaranteed two-week miracle cure for genital herpes.  Strangely, it did not mention the inevitable Nobel Prize in Medicine which must have followed its discovery.

I recently received a span which stood out from the rest, if only because it ran on, and on…. and on – for 7142 words.  It must have been sent out in bulk, otherwise why would the Akismet program have sieved it out?

It came from something/someone named Defense Of Israel.  I had neither the time nor patience to read it all, especially when 5% of it was in Hebrew,
ולירושלים עירך ברחמים תשוב ותשכן בתוכה כאשר דברת, ובנה אותה בקרוב בימינו בנין עולם, וכסא דוד מהרה לתוכה תכין:  ברוך אתה ה’, בונה ירושלים. את צמח דוד עבדך מהרה תצמיח, וקרנו תרום בישועתך, כי לישועתך קוינו כל היום:  ברוך אתה ה’, מצמיח קרן ישועה.

but it maundered on about the times that Israel has been invaded, the Six-Day War, Golda Meir saving the country, and how OPEC and the Arab League are working to drive the Jews back into the sea.

The author seems to feel, like the Christian Evangelicals in the USA, that the modern country is going to Hell – perhaps literally – and the only way to rescue it is to impose the strict 7 Noahide Religious laws.
Carry out justice – prohibition of any miscarriage of justice.
No blasphemy – Prohibits a curse directed at the Supreme Being.
No idolatry – Prohibits the worship of any human or any created thing. Also prohibited is the making …of idols and involvement with the occult. This necessitates an understanding of the One G‑d of Israel and His nature.
No illicit intercourse – Prohibits adultery, incest, homosexual intercourse and bestiality, according to …Torah definitions.
No homicide – Prohibits murder and suicide. Causing injury is also forbidden.
No theft – Prohibits the wrongful taking of another’s goods.
Don’t eat a limb of a living creature – Promotes the kind treatment of animal life. It also encourages an appreciation for all kinds of life and respect for nature as G‑d’s creation.

I received another – only 3300 words, complaining about Jewish dietary laws.  Apparently the writer wants to enjoy Tuna.  I can’t begin to imagine the time and energy that it took to compose and disseminate these massive missives.  I am at a loss to understand what the author felt that he would accomplish by doing so.

Apparently I now receive one of these once each month when I publish a post tagged ‘Religion.’  The most recent was a mere 1000 words about obeying the Torah, and being Jewish.  Either he’s running out of rants, finger strength, or Internet space.  Hey, leave some for the rest of us.  😯

Let’s talk about interesting spam – these ones, and any that you get.  😀

Don’t Talk To Me That Way

Where, once again, people whose level of literacy is limited to making an X, to vote for Trump, show what happens when you sleep through English class.  Our poor language, so battered and bruised??!  😯

Pros

Area light, held anywhere with a suction cob – Have another cup of whatever you’re drinking

It liked Christmas to lewd acts – Really, it likened pretension to illiteracy.

Catch lightening in a bottle – Only if it’s a Miss Clairol bottle

10 of which are located in Canada — five in Ontario, four in Alberta and one each in British Columbia and Saskatchewan. – Your school called.  It wants its math diploma back.

Electrical interference is omitted from an appliance – You could have omitted that, and used emitted instead.

Man fined for trying to fry chicken in Yellowstone hot spring – Well, I’m boiling mad about that.

I’d like to formerly address some issues – like, it was formerly spelled formally.

Snow squeaked under the souls of their boots – Holy footwear that eats fish on Friday…. Soles

He actually had a conscious – if he’d been conscious, he’d know that it was a conscience.

I included the numbers for your class elbow – My one elbow thinks that it should be below.

Tea is a sorce of gossip – It’s also a source of laughter and pity.

An inherit quality of the cave – Something he got in the will, from his father, The Cavern.

She had a rockin’, taught bod – I was taught that it was spelled taut

They we’re banned from the show – We’re thinking that they probably were.

Amateurs

I was airing on the side of Christianity – You should be erring on the side of correct English.

After a day of frockling around – I hope they were frolicking near a dictionary.

We our meant to be – We meant to say, are.

I sat out to write a story – Since you’re seated, use set.

I would part take of Communion – Soooo close – but no wafer to partake of

In this day-in-age the government – says, ‘In this day and age.’

Girl apholds American flag – and I uphold the right to spell it correctly
This one particularly irks me, because ‘upholds’ does not mean the same thing as ‘holds up.’  The photo of the girl with the flag was on the facing page, and the picture with this caption was a family picnicking in a park.  😯

Within a year in a half – she found that she should have written and.

The computer geek had a LAN line – that all the duct cleaners would land on

Put a parsley spring on top – of one too many Ns, and one too few proofreads

The great thing about homemade canned food – is the taste of cognitive dissonance.
Lest anyone think homemade pickles or jam…. This was a pot of chili for dinner.

Pain staking patience – staking might cause pain, until they discover painstaking = pains taking

Grab their phone and begin discretely searching – For the word discreetly.

Swair there alligensecne – I swear their spelling is shitty, no matter what their allegiance.

That old so-in-so – prefers to be called a so-and-so.
(That’s 3 of those don’t-see-‘n-says.)

He grabbed first prise – but it wasn’t a prize for correct spelling

Atheism has a negative tenant – he’s probably out, looking up ‘tenet.’

If God is a fickle of my imagination – He’s probably looking up ‘figment too.’

Wearing ten-gallon hats and stirrups – Pretty sure he meant spursStirrups are saddle parts.

The Government has done an admiral job – In general, it’s an admirable job

What can I say about that faithful day – You could say that it was fateful.

A belief froth with problems – Take your beer with a head on it over to look up fraught.

Rub salt in a womb – That adage rubbed me the wrong way, and caused a wound.

It took escaping a cult to make me real-eyes – I realize that you probably failed kindergarten.