Occupied On Fibbing Friday

Christine, of Stine Writing, threw Pensitivity101 a curve ball in the comments on this post about occupations, so she decided to go with that for the final FF of 2022.

My alternatives on these are!

  1. What is a dentist?

He’s a husband/boyfriend who’s been exiled to sleep on the couch in the rec-room/family room, and usually has no idea what he said or did to rate the sentence – but is happy to enjoy a day or two of delicious silence.

2. What is a paralegal?

It’s a husband and wife law firm, where they argue about how to best split the fees, not only for bragging rights, but for maximum tax avoidance.

3. What is a Nanny?

That’s my Grandma – and she’ll have no nonsense from you.  Sit down quiet and eat your oatmeal porridge.  There’s sheep to shear, and tartans to be wove.

4. What is an auditor?

Male or female, they are the long-suffering clerks who, in short shifts, man the Returns Counter at Marks and Sparks, the week after Christmas.  They’ve heard it all before, and believe none of it.  “No ma’am, you may not return that (horrid) jumper without a sales receipt.  Even if we allowed it, you may only get an exchange, not a cash refund.  And besides, you cow, your generous gift-giver got it at Value Village.

5. What is a programmer?

He’s any normal male with a TV remote control.  Women use a remote to find out what’s on television.  Guys use it to find out what else is on.  512 channels – Click, Click, Click, Click….

6. What is a cartographer?

She’s the Natalie nattily-dressed (or He is the spiffy-dressed, don’t ask – don’t tell) airline flight attendant who seems to have been sampling the bar, before she/he wields that drink trolley like a weapon down the aisle, ramming unsuspecting knees and crushing toes.

7. What is a musician?

A Music Ian is the unofficial titled bestowed on a poor (or so we claim) Scotsman – too often a Stewart – who is dragooned into establishing the order that pipe bands will perform at Military Tattoos.   He’s LIKE a Geordie, only with administrative OCD.  Some bands want to be first, to make that all-important first impression.  Others demand to be the closing act, to be best remembered.  At least it’s all done with tablets or lap-tops these days, and disputes are no longer settled with claymores.

8. What is a cordwainer?

He is a misguided Eco-Warrior who eschews heating his home with fuel oil or natural gas.  Instead, he spews his CO2 into the air by burning pieces of trees.  Near the end of a particularly long and cold winter, his pile of dried firewood is dwindling quickly, and he’s trying to figure out how he might surreptitiously add his neighbour’s garden shed.

9. What is a taxidermist?

It is any London cab-driver, what with the pea-soup fog, interspersed with blinding rain.  They had to invent Satnav for the immigrant drivers.  Star Wars came as no surprise to the old guard.  Use the force, Luke!  Use the force – to figure out where the bloody Hell we are in this garden-maze of streets.  I think they drive by sense of smell.  Charred steak-and-kidney pie??  Must be the Drunken Crow pub.  Turn right here.

10. What is a penciller?

The last of a dying breed, soon to be extinct – the actual, live editor.  He is found now only at the most upscale of publishing firms, having been replaced elsewhere by SpellCheck, GrammarCheck and Grammarly.  But Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

He scans manuscripts with an eagle eye, and a handful of coloured pencils, speaking/writing a strange, arcane language – lede, stet, dele.  Our hoped-for perfect submission is returned, looking like a kindergartner’s art project – black, green, red – add this, take out that, spell this.

Beware if it is adorned with blue pencil.  That means you’ve used salacious language which is not allowed, unless you’re writing a sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, or a porno movie plot.  The doorbell rang.  Clad only in a shorty robe, the voluptuous young housewife answered the door.  It was the handsome young pool-cleaner.  🙂

Dum Crinimals

I’ve stopped asking, “How stupid can you be?”
There is no upper limit!  Some people are taking it as a challenge.

Even more proof that crime doesn’t pay.

Next time, take off the blinders
Derek Pierson tried to rob a convenience store.  He walked in, looked directly at the clerk and told her to ‘give the money up.’  What he didn’t notice was that a member of an armed robbery task force – wearing a shirt marked ‘Shreveport Police’ on the front and back, as well as ‘Police’ on the sleeves – was standing in an aisle ten feet away.

The agent, who had stopped by on a routine security check, pulled his gun and arrested Pierson without incident.  The officer described him as looking ‘like a deer caught in the headlights.’  I guess I picked the wrong place Pierson told police.

Talking trash
Minutes after getting a report of two men trying to break into parking meters, police began looking for suspects.  It wasn’t hard.  Witnesses said one wore an all-black outfit, while the other was dressed in a bathrobe.  Police located one likely suspect near the scene of the crime.

They began searching the neighborhood for the second suspect, when they were attracted to a garbage dumpster by the sound of a ringing cell phone.  When they lifted the lid of the bin, they found the second man inside.

Ignoring the rule of thumb
A robbery at a Git-N-Go Convenience Store in Des Moines was called off for lack of convincing theatrics.  ‘Well, I could tell he didn’t have a gun.’ said the clerk at the store.  ‘I knew it was his finger.  I could see his thumb sticking out of his coat pocket.’  The would-be robber, who acted tough and even inserted a harsh expletive in his demand for cash, wanted to argue.

‘It is a gun,’ he told the clerk.  ‘No it isn’t,’ the clerk replied.  The frustrated suspect left the store, but paused a moment in the parking lot, perhaps to go over in his mind the argument he’d just lost.

Thief tracking made easier
Kurt Husfeldt and two others were arrested in Lindenhurst, NY in possession of 14 stolen electronic devices that they apparently assumed were cell phones.  However, they were actually global positioning devices from a nearby municipal facility, and police just followed their signals to Husfeldt’s house.

Googled
A man was arrested in connection with a 2005 bank robbery, after leaving a trail of cyber-clues.  Police said that he was staying with a woman at the time of the robbery, and spent a great deal of time on her computer.  He borrowed her car the day of the robbery, and returned with a lot of cash, claiming he’d won it at a casino.

Police say that he walked into a Liberty Bank branch and handed the teller a note demanding money.  A week later, his woman friend contacted police, saying she recognized him from a surveillance photo on a newspaper website.  A police search of the computer revealed numerous searches concerning bank robberies, including one for the branch he hit, and another for ’How To Rob A Bank.’

Banks for telling me
A would-be robber in Austria, was arrested after he tried to hold up his local town hall, mistaking it for a bank.  Wearing a mask, and waving a toy gun the unemployed man burst into the town hall, and shouted, ‘Hold-up!  Hold-up!’  The building has a sign indicating that it has an ATM, on the outside wall.

He realized his mistake when a town employee explained to him where he was, and he then fled into the nearby woods.  He was arrested when he came back to pick up his motorbike, which he had parked outside the town hall.

😳   😆

’22 A To Z Challenge – O

I’ve been told to try to keep my posts family-friendly.  This post will be suitable for the Manson family, or the older, nearer Black Donnelly family.  I damned near shit a brick, a couple of years ago, when my son casually told me that, “They let Charles Manson out of prison.”  When I’d caught my breath, he continued, “It was feet first, but they let him out.”

I get a kick, listening to Christian Apologists loudly, firmly, declaiming in a religious debate, when it becomes obvious that they don’t know what they are talking about, and are wrong, but they desperately won’t accept it.  Today’s off-color word is

ONANISM

As The Princess Bride movie told us, I don’t think that means what you think it means.  Masturbation is not high on the list of Christian talking points, but it does get mentioned by a certain group.  From the time of the Bible, a faction of deeply insecure, (mostly) men, believe that there is some mystical power in sperm, and that it is a sin to ‘waste it on the ground,’ and rail about the evils of masturbation.

Strangely, this group usually also denounces female masturbation, even though there is no sperm involved.  They just don’t want anybody else to get some enjoyment, if they’re too tight-assed to get some themselves.  What are you using for birth control??  So far, just my personality.  They call it self-abuse, as if pain or physical damage were being inflicted.

The term originates with the story of Onan, who was forced to marry, and mate with, his brother’s widow.  Not wanting any possible child of his dead brother to be thought to be his, he withdrew at the point of ejaculation, and ‘spilled his seed upon the ground.’

I DON’T THINK THAT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.

Therefore, Onanism is not the masturbation that Good Christians condemn, but rather, coitus interruptus.  I recently listened to a female caller denounce birth control, because she felt that, “All life is sacred, from conception to death.”  Hello!!!  Have you seen the definition of CONTRACEPTION’???!  Trance gender isn’t allowed by God – No, but stupidity and illiteracy are.

I was watching Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball yesterday, and there was a wrist injury – but I’ll be okay to post again in a couple of days.  C U then.   😉  😎

Tweets For Twits – Just Deserts Course

If you didn’t know yet, God is on Twitter.  He has a few more things to say about the human condition, which He takes no blame or responsibility for.

In an ideal scenario, the President of The United States, and the worst person in the world, would be two different people.

I genuinely can’t remember making you all this stupid.

To paraphrase me: Being gay is not a choice.
Being an asshole is.

America: Where a black man can’t take a knee on a football field for 30 seconds, but a cop can take a knee on his neck for eight minutes.

Most people who doubt a woman’s claim of assault, do NOT doubt that I had a son who rose from the dead.

You should not vaccinate your children – unless you are absolutely sure that you want them to live.

Next time, no people.

There is life in outer space, and it is intelligent, and that’s why it is staying far from you.

If gay people are a mistake, they’re a mistake that I’ve made hundreds of millions of times, which proves I’m incompetent, and cannot be relied on for anything.

The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting.
Isn’t it nicer to believe that you all descended from one couple and their incestuous children??!

Just because Jesus died for your sins doesn’t mean that you should keep committing them, assholes.

THE FIVE STAGES OF CLIMATE CHANGE
Denial
Guilt
Depression
Acceptance
Drowning

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he’ll contribute to the global over-depletion of the oceans.
So give him a salad, maybe??!

The answer to the question, “Can people really be that stupid?” is always yes!

If you can’t get along with CANADA, you’re not human.

Standing up for what you believe in isn’t a virtue, if what you believe in is awful.

I am now the most unverified account on Twitter, and the biggest unverified entity in the Universe.

150 different species go extinct every day.
You keep not being one of them.

Six feet away, or six feet under.

I apologise for this virus interrupting the global catastrophe already in progress.

Saying “guns don’t kill people” is like saying “defibrillators don’t save people.”

Artificial Intelligence is not a threat to Humanity.  Natural stupidity is!

Somewhere in China, there’s a bat getting high-fives from every other animal he meets.

It’s only been a short time, but Steven Hawking has already proven, to My Face, that I don’t exist.


Fuck you!

Marriage is between a man and a woman – except gay marriage, obviously.

The people who call out my name Sunday morning aren’t as much fun as the ones who call it out Saturday night.

These are not His final words, just the last ones in this post.

Tweets For Twits

I can’t be everywhere, and do everything at once.  I’m only G.O.D.  so I prayed to my friend God, to increase Mankind’s average intelligence.  It’s a long, slow job, so He opened a Twitter account, to say some things on my behalf.

Homosexuality is not a choice.
Homophobia is.

Abortion should only be permitted in the case of rape, or incest, or when a woman wants it.

If I had wanted people to wear COVID masks, I would have made them with the ability to manufacture and wear them – which I did.

Most people who question the legitimacy of the COVID vaccine, do not question the legitimacy of a 2000-year-old book that says I had a son who rose from the dead.

I’m going to turn the Universe off, and then on again and see if that works.


He didn’t have a driver’s license either, dipshit


Wrong!  That’s why I gave you two hands.

Every word in the Bible is literally true.
It’s just when you group them together into sentences, that problems arise.

I don’t recall making you this stupid.

Funny, you never hear of anti-ventilators.

Next time, dogs own people.

Every dog is a therapy dog.

The same people who won’t believe the sea is rising, happily believe My son could walk on it.

There is no vaccine against stupid.
And if there were, the stupid wouldn’t take it.

Every day I meet more and more unvaccinated people.

Out of curiosity, where were you all planning to move, after you’ve destroyed the Earth?  Because I assume you’ve thought that through, right??!

At this point, the idea that I would ever “Bless America” is so absurd it’s funny.


And soon you’ll get to thank him in person.

This Thanksgiving, I’m grateful to those who don’t believe in me, for protecting the world from those who do.

Swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, ON A BIBLE, is one of life’s great ironies.

Will the owners of the blue planet between Venus and Mars, please attend to your vehicle!
It’s overheating!

Bullshit

I applied to be a god in India, but apparently they’re overstaffed.

The great thing about COVID is it’s willing to change to be part of your life.

The COVID vaccine is part of a secret Government plot to keep you alive, so that you can work productively and raise your children.

If you think I’m pro-life, you’ve never read the Old Testament.

Fuck You!

When someone says, “I have a right to my opinion.” They mean, “I have a right to someone else’s opinion that I found online.”

People, I can’t just ‘damn’ any ‘it’ that you’re mad at.  That’s a procedure. Do the paperwork.

The first step in saving life on Earth, is admitting that you are the problem.

I apologize to my non-American followers for the strictly US focus recently.
Now that the election is over, I promise to tell you how shitty your countries are too.

My Son’s middle name is Fucking.

I never would have made you this smart if I knew you were going to be this stupid.

When people say, ”Jesus take the wheel” they forget that He no longer has feeling in his hands.

Thinking that ”They’re out to get you,” falsely implies that you are worth getting.

I TOOK BETTY WHITE??!  NOW?
I am a terrible, horrible cruel, miserable God.

I am developing a new strain of anti-vaxxer that is even more resistant to reality.

Instagram and Facebook are currently not working, as are Democracy, Society, and a healthy sense of self.

Sometimes in life, all you need is for half the country to shut up.

MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
Lose twenty planets
Exorcise more
Blight more veggies
Work on the Upsilon variant
Bless fewer sneezers
Bless fewer countries
Save fewer Queens
Be more judgemental
Work more mysteriously
Floss

I cannot believe what people can believe.

He says it much better than I can, but He’s not done talking.  He’ll/we’ll be back.   😛

Malleable Morals

In the middle of a pile of feel-good, but unproven, religious claims, the amateur Christian Apologist suddenly – CLEARLY – wrote….

But we know genocide is evil. Since it IS morally wrong, we know there must be a standard beyond us which is the standard of goodness, righteousness, and justice.  That standard is God. And without God, you can’t say genocide is wrong because that’s just your opinion.

If genocide is evil, and morally wrong, why does the God of the Bible not only condone it, but urge and support it??! I’d ask the Amalekites, but…. you know.   😳

The Amalekites were burning their new born babies over statues as a sacrifice to their gods. They were raping and murdering people. That’s who they were. They were evil and wicked people.

 Is genocide evil and immoral, or not??! You posited a concrete, objective statement that it was, with God as the good, moral, righteous and just basis. Now you seem to be claiming that even though God caused and aided the genocide, the people who were wiped out deserved it.

Maybe they did, but you can’t have it both ways. Now your claims and morals, and the morals of your God, are suspect and subjective. Even your God’s little flood snit-fit to cover the fact that He had made a mistake, and was not in control, was the greatest example of genocide ever recorded…. or made up. The Egyptians and the Chinese don’t seem to have noticed it.   😯

One of my readers wondered why I seem to avoid addressing good Christian arguments, and only pick on the stupid ones.  Partly, it’s because of the entertainment value, but it’s mostly because there are no ‘good’ Christian arguments – only less stupid ones.  It’s all low-hanging fruit.

A young – but none too bright – Apologist has his own YouTube channel, where he posts videos refuting Atheists’ claims, although it often seems as if the whole point is to make Atheists look good.  He supported Ray Comfort’s Holy Banana theory, until an Atheist shot it down in flames.

He recently posted a video in which he, in all apparent seriousness, claimed that, Evolution must be false, because it’s racist.   Darwinism relies on “Survival of the Fittest,” and, if we evolved from African-Americans, how could there still be African-Americans??

If Americans came from Europeans, why are there still Europeans??!  If God created us from dust, why is there still dust??!  So few words – so many mistakes/lies.

Apologists don’t even like to use the word Evolution, lest it gain some validation.  They use the pejorative, Darwinism, dismissing it like crystals, or reiki, or horoscopes.  It does not ‘rely on’ Survival of the Fittest – which does not mean what this racist little fuck seems to think it does.  And, “Evolved from African-Americans”??!  He’s not even smart enough to deny that we evolved from monkeys.  😳

A 15-year-old, male Atheist, tired of listening to his Bible-thumper mother, conned her into calling in to The Atheist Experience podcast.  With absolutely no training in Theology, Philosophy, logic or debate, she faced a moderator who was.

She tried to present a variety of silly, unprovable, kindergarten-level claims, which he quickly and easily refuted.  Her defense then was that he had spoken sternly to her and embarrassed her in front of her son.  The poor dear!  For many of them, that’s what it comes down to.  Some of them need to be spoken to, sternly.  👿

A Blast Of One-Liners

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office washroom….
….With an air-horn.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself….
….And stupid – we should fear the shit out of stupid.

Stop shaming fat people….
….They have enough on their plate already.

My wife made me join a bridge club….
….I jump off next Tuesday.

I stayed at a really cheap hotel….
….They stole my towel.

Another name for the Highway to Hell….
….Is the Route of All Evil.

I removed all the bad food from my house….
….It was delicious.

My housekeeping style is best described as….
….”There appears to have been a struggle.”

In wine there is wisdom….
….In water there is bacteria.  You decide.

People just write ‘Congrats’….
….Because they can’t spell ‘Congrajlashins.’

A procrastinator’s work….
….Is never done.

My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son starts dating….
….Apparently jealousy was the wrong answer.

I often question my sanity….
….Occasionally it replies.

A Frenchman asked a librarian for a book on warfare….
….She replied, “You’d only lose it.”

Who invented fractions?….
….Henry the 1/8th

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary….
….I know next to nothing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol….
….Dignity is not one of them.

My stomach is flat….
….The L is silent.

My friend brags that his 3-D printer can print a gun….
….Big deal, I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I have a joke about fireflies….
….That most people say is brilliant.

My dentist asked me when was the last time I flossed my teeth….
I said, “You should remember.  You were there.”

This old-age stuff….
….Has come at a bad time of my life.

Anti-racism is when white people protest….
….Against other white people, for being white.

Bungling Burglars

Phone a Bungling Burglar!

A bungling burglar in the USA has been arrested after he left his mobile phone on charge at the house of one of his victims. The man was disturbed while rifling through rooms in the house in Washington DC and jumped out of a window to escape. Police searched the house later and were surprised to find a cell phone that didn’t belong to anyone at the house, charging in a socket. Officers called one of the numbers in his contacts, told them the phone owner had been involved in an accident and asked for his name. That led to the 25 year old man being arrested and later charged with ten burglaries.

Dutch Bungling Burglar

A stupid criminal was caught after he fell down a chimney while escaping over the roof of a house he had just broken into. Police in Maastricht, Holland, arrested the 33-year-old after being called out by the house owners who heard his calls for help. The man had tried to flee out of a roof window with his booty of cash and jewellery, but tumbled in the dark and got stuck inside the chimney.

Another Bungled Chimney Burglar Story

A burglar who got stuck in a chimney while trying to break in to a Los Angeles home has been jailed for two years. Bungling burglar Marco Antonio Espinoza was also ordered to pay the owners of the house more than $10,000 to repair the damage done when fire fighters freed him. When he was caught, he told the police that he was doing building work on the house.

Bagging A Burglar

A ‘would be’ robber had to drop his bank looting plans after he forgot to take with him a bag into which the stolen money could be put. Apparently, the young man in his 20’s, entered a local Chase Bank branch early on Monday morning and passed the cashier a piece of cardboard on which was written ‘Give me your money,’ reported the Detroit News. He told the bank teller to ‘hurry up,’ but when she asked him if he had a bag to put the money into he became flustered and confused and ran off without the cash.

The Bungled Get Away

The two criminal masterminds planned their heist carefully. They knew the courier would have a suitcase full of cash.  They waited for his car to pass, then pursued him at high speed, shooting at the vehicle until the courier was forced to pull over. Armed robbers made off with what they thought was a suitcase full of cash – they were in for a surprise. Back at their secret hideout, the bandits prepared to force the locks and spring the cash.  That’s when they noticed their plan had gone horribly wrong; instead of taking the money, they made off with a first aid kit. Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said, ‘If there was an award for the dumbest crooks, they would certainly be in the running. ‘

Car Thief – Loser of the Week

A car thief who ran out of gas in rush hour traffic was arrested after police helped him push the stolen vehicle to the side of the road reports The Moscow Times.  Helpful officers in Moscow, Russia, were about to leave the scene and let Alexei Ashurin wait for breakdown services when they noticed the red 15 year old Volkswagen’s lock was broken and a screwdriver was sticking out of the ignition. After checking the number plate, they discovered the vehicle had been stolen and that Ashurin was wanted for a string of other motoring thefts.  He admitted to stealing the car and this stupid criminal is now facing up to two years in prison.

A Funny Magistrates Court Story

This hilarious story may make you laugh at the stupidity of some crooks.  We cannot, however, vouch for its veracity. A man arrived the magistrate’s court, he was charged with impersonating a policeman. On arrival he was wearing a blue baseball cap with the word ‘police’ on it; a fluorescent yellow jacket, with ‘police’ on it, he was carrying a truncheon, a can of CS spray, and he had blue flashing lights in his car. You will, no doubt wish to know how he came to be arrested. It apparently happened like this: he flagged down a car with two men in it, pulled them over and said ‘Police. You’re nicked.’ They answered, ‘No mate. You’re not police – we are.’ Funnily, he had stopped two off-duty detectives in an unmarked police car and so ended up in court. You could not invent a story like it.

Bungling Burglar From Mexico

Robbers broke into the Telefonica Movistar cell-phone store in Morelia, Mexico recently with the aim of stealing some mobile phones. In their haste to get away they grabbed the first phones that came to hand – hollow replicas, used normally for display purposes only. Employees explained that the bungling burglars overlooked real cell phones and cash in another part of the shop.

Surely One of The Dumbest Criminals:

A man who had spent 20 years in prison for bank robbery back in 1963 thought he would try again in 2003 in Spotsylvania County, Virginia, USA. He demanded and received several thousand dollars from two surprised bank cashiers and as he fled he spilled $100 notes in his wake as he attempted to stuff the cash into his pockets and get away. When he reached his hired getaway car this stupid criminal realized that he had locked his keys inside. This bungling burglar promptly took to his heels and fled the scene on foot followed by two passersby who grabbed him. The fleeing felon attempted to pull out his gun but failed, and shot himself in his leg but kept fighting his would be arresters; one of whom shot the suspect. The local police have charged the robber with 8 felonies, including robbery and 2 counts of attempted murder. The suspect was attended to in hospital and recovered. No, you couldn’t make it up

Just Say No To – Jail!

Poor Chastity Eugina Hopson was so worried about her possibly-tainted meth that she actually contacted the police about it. Officers at the Granite Shoals Police Department in Texas were trying to catch the county’s dumbest drug users when they posted a fake Facebook story about Ebola-tainted meth. The post said, “If you have recently purchased meth or heroin in Central Texas, please take it to the local police or sheriff department so it can be screened with a special device. DO NOT use it until it has been properly checked for possible Ebola contamination!””

Hopson, 29, saw the post and was understandably afraid that her meth could be… wait for it… dangerous. She responded to the department’s post on Facebook, and they gladly took her sample in for “testing.” Hobson was charged with possession of less than one gram of a controlled substance.

***

18 year old Ruben Zarate wanted to rob a muffler shop in Chicago and demanded money. Unfortunately it was mostly in the safe. Zarate decided that he would try again later. To save himself some time, he left his cell phone number with the store employees. That way, they could call him when the manager returned.

***

Police had an easy time tracking down Floridian Mack Yearwood, wanted in connection with an assault that took place over Labor Day weekend 2016, after he used his own wanted poster as his Facebook profile picture. One of Yearwood’s friends commented “Nice mug shot,” to which Yearwood responded “Thanks buddy!” Another friend expressed more concern: “Holy sh*t ding-dong, are you planning on getting this sh*t squared away? I’d like to see you again at least before they find you.”

Cops in Stuart, FL, north of Miami, used Yearwood’s FB to track him to his brother’s house, where he was arrested. According to the arresting officers, a bag of weed tumbled out of Yearwood’s pocket as he was cuffed, and he politely asked the cops not to charge him for possession.

Writing on the Stuart Police Department Facebook page, Cpl. Brian Bossio noted “Facebook is a great way to communicate and connect with old friends and family… If you are wanted by the police, it’s probably not a good idea to use the ‘Wanted of the Week’ poster of yourself as your profile pic.”

***

Demetrius Robinson, 28, wanted to rob a Golden Pantry store late one night, but he needed to pass the time as naturally as possible until he and the clerk were alone, so he decided to fill out a job application. Not a bad idea, except he left his real name on the application, along with his uncle’s phone number. After he robbed the store, it didn’t take long for police to track him down. He didn’t get the job.

***

Eoise Reaves stretched the limits of “to serve and protect” when she approached a policeman and asked him to help her get her money back for the poor-quality crack cocaine she’d just purchased. She showed him the crack, which she had tucked away in her mouth, and he placed her under arrest. How does one know when crack has gone bad?

***

Amateur criminal and professional dumb-dumb Christopher Kron made every mistake possible in robbery history when he tried to rob a restaurant after it closed one night. Not only did he trip the silent alarm, but when ADT called the restaurant after being notified, Kron answered the phone and gave them his REAL NAME. He returned to the restaurant the next day and was recognized by an employee who had seen the surveillance video. Kron was arrested on the spot.

***

A man in Stockholm, Sweden was a bit upset when the 13-year-old girl he’d been courting didn’t show up for an arranged sex meeting. When the teen stood him up, the man found her home phone number and called her father to demand a refund. Obviously things didn’t end well.

***

Two men arrested in Houston were accused of stealing an iPad and using it to take selfies that they unknowingly uploaded to the owner’s iCloud account. The men appeared in the photos displaying money they were also accused of taking from the victim.

Not For A Billion Dollars

Charles Ray Fuller, a Texas dumb-dumb, tried to cash a bogus check for $360 BILLION. To top it off, the check wasn’t even made out to him. He was arrested on forgery charges and sentenced to a million billion years in prison.

***

A West Palm Beach, FL man was arrested on a slew of charges, and was perhaps a bit too honest on his arrest report. He listed his occupation as “drug dealer” and was charged with being the most obvious criminal in the history of crime.

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Things were looking up for Frank Singleton when he was released from jail. However, when he realized that he didn’t have a ride home, he walked straight into the prison parking lot and attempted to carjack a woman. He was foiled when he realized that he couldn’t drive a car with a stick shift. As he was re-arrested – this time, for felony carjacking – Singleton told police that he simply “didn’t feel like walking.” We’ve all been there.

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Polish author Krystian Bala, might’ve gotten away with murder… if he hadn’t written about it in his book. His 2003 novel Amok became a bestseller in Poland, but he paid the price when police noticed that the details of a murder in the book eerily matched those of an unsolved case.

The similarities led the police to investigate further, discovering connections between Bala and the victim, including the fact that the victim was romantically involved with Bala’s ex-wife. Whether or not he was inspired by the OJ Simpson “novel” based on a similar subject is unknown. What is known that he received 25 years in prison.

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The dumbest policeman in the world, who was making some extra cash with drugs and prostitution, was brought to justice after driving a $170,000 Ferrari to work. Osman Iqbal, an officer based in Birmingham England, was jailed for seven years for running a brothel.

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John Pearce came to realize the hazards of daylight burglary when in the course of climbing through a window, his foot became caught, leaving him dangling upside-down in plain sight of pedestrians walking down the busy sidewalk. Onlookers proceeded to mock him mercilessly until police arrived.

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A 22-year-old man in Mineral Wells, TX landed himself behind bars after allegedly posting on his Facebook page that he had more than a dozen warrants out for his arrest. The warrants ranged from traffic citations to petty theft and totaled more than $1,200 in fines.

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Let it be known that you can now be arrested for ballin’ on a budget. William Anderson, 51, was arrested after attracting attention by applying for welfare while driving an H2 Hummer. Thinking it an odd sight, the local sheriff ran the plates, and the vehicle came up as stolen.

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An Ohio man reportedly called 911 numerous times, threatening to harm himself, after he had downed an entire bottle of Everclear because his pet pig, Millie, had eaten all of his marijuana. He was charged with disorderly conduct and later said that he would keep his weed out of reach of his pot bellied pig.

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A 56-year-old woman’s boldly idiotic defense in her trial for drunk driving was that the alcohol did not affect her because she kept one eye closed to avoid seeing double. She was sentenced to two months in prison. If she keeps her eye closed it could cut it down to one.

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A Florida man and woman spent two days trapped in what they said they believed to be a locked closet – until police let them out and discovered that the door was actually never locked.

John Arwood and Amber Campbell claimed they were chased into a janitor’s closet at Daytona State College in Daytona Beach, FL, by unidentified assailants. They were charged with trespassing and Campbell was also charged with violating her probation.