My alternatives on these are!
- What is a dentist?
He’s a husband/boyfriend who’s been exiled to sleep on the couch in the rec-room/family room, and usually has no idea what he said or did to rate the sentence – but is happy to enjoy a day or two of delicious silence.
2. What is a paralegal?
It’s a husband and wife law firm, where they argue about how to best split the fees, not only for bragging rights, but for maximum tax avoidance.
That’s my Grandma – and she’ll have no nonsense from you. Sit down quiet and eat your oatmeal porridge. There’s sheep to shear, and tartans to be wove.
4. What is an auditor?
Male or female, they are the long-suffering clerks who, in short shifts, man the Returns Counter at Marks and Sparks, the week after Christmas. They’ve heard it all before, and believe none of it. “No ma’am, you may not return that (horrid) jumper without a sales receipt. Even if we allowed it, you may only get an exchange, not a cash refund. And besides, you cow, your generous gift-giver got it at Value Village.
5. What is a programmer?
He’s any normal male with a TV remote control. Women use a remote to find out what’s on television. Guys use it to find out what else is on. 512 channels – Click, Click, Click, Click….
6. What is a cartographer?
She’s the Natalie nattily-dressed (or He is the spiffy-dressed, don’t ask – don’t tell) airline flight attendant who seems to have been sampling the bar, before she/he wields that drink trolley like a weapon down the aisle, ramming unsuspecting knees and crushing toes.
7. What is a musician?
A Music Ian is the unofficial titled bestowed on a poor (or so we claim) Scotsman – too often a Stewart – who is dragooned into establishing the order that pipe bands will perform at Military Tattoos. He’s LIKE a Geordie, only with administrative OCD. Some bands want to be first, to make that all-important first impression. Others demand to be the closing act, to be best remembered. At least it’s all done with tablets or lap-tops these days, and disputes are no longer settled with claymores.
8. What is a cordwainer?
He is a misguided Eco-Warrior who eschews heating his home with fuel oil or natural gas. Instead, he spews his CO2 into the air by burning pieces of trees. Near the end of a particularly long and cold winter, his pile of dried firewood is dwindling quickly, and he’s trying to figure out how he might surreptitiously add his neighbour’s garden shed.
9. What is a taxidermist?
It is any London cab-driver, what with the pea-soup fog, interspersed with blinding rain. They had to invent Satnav for the immigrant drivers. Star Wars came as no surprise to the old guard. Use the force, Luke! Use the force – to figure out where the bloody Hell we are in this garden-maze of streets. I think they drive by sense of smell. Charred steak-and-kidney pie?? Must be the Drunken Crow pub. Turn right here.
10. What is a penciller?
The last of a dying breed, soon to be extinct – the actual, live editor. He is found now only at the most upscale of publishing firms, having been replaced elsewhere by SpellCheck, GrammarCheck and Grammarly. But Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
He scans manuscripts with an eagle eye, and a handful of coloured pencils, speaking/writing a strange, arcane language – lede, stet, dele. Our hoped-for perfect submission is returned, looking like a kindergartner’s art project – black, green, red – add this, take out that, spell this.
Beware if it is adorned with blue pencil. That means you’ve used salacious language which is not allowed, unless you’re writing a sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, or a porno movie plot. The doorbell rang. Clad only in a shorty robe, the voluptuous young housewife answered the door. It was the handsome young pool-cleaner. 🙂