One day, a man put an ad in the classifieds –“Wife wanted”
The next day he got a hundred emails. They all said the same thing. “You can have mine.”
What did the patent office employee say about Edison’s new light bulb?
“Whose bright idea is this?”
Job interviewer; To start, you’ll be making $20,000. Later, that will rise to $40,000
Me; OK, I’ll come back later then.
If you had to choose eating tacos every day of your life, or being skinny….
Would you pick hard or soft tacos??
I don’t trust journalists. Sometimes they wear badges that say “Press”, but if you press them, they just fall over, all surprised.
A baby can drink a bottle and fall asleep, and people say that it’s cute. But when I do it, I’m an alcoholic.
People tell me that I should stop using F-bombs.
What the Fuck is an F-bomb?
My daughter screeched, “Daaaddd, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to begin a conversation.
Joe: “My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.”
Pete: “Glad you can laugh about it.”
Joe: “But I laugh more.”
Joe: “When I was a kid, my parents always said, “Excuse my French” after a swear word.”
Pete: “My parents said the same thing to me.”
Joe: “I’ll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked me if I knew any French.”
The Grandson works as a barista at Starbucks. The other day, he had two young females in. Suddenly, one of them gushed, “Wouldn’t it be great to have hot, all-vegetable smoothies?”
He said, “I didn’t have the heart to tell them that soup already exists.”
Joe: “I asked my wife, ‘If I die, will you remarry?”
Pete: “What did she say?”
Joe: “She said she will live with her sister. Then she asked me if she died would I remarry?”
Pete: “What did you say?”
Joe: “I said, no, I will also live with your sister.”