Flash Fiction #263

PHOTO PROMPT © Sandra Crook

EXCESS TO REQUIREMENTS

It’s a good thing I’m retired, and have nowhere to go and all day to get there.  They’re hauling the raw material for Trump’s wigs away.  It’s going to a carpet factory to make new flooring for Kamala Harris’s office. Perhaps when it’s delivered, someone could teach her how to pronounce her name correctly.

Her Father, Kamal, pronounced his name, kah-mahl, so, properly, hers should be kah-mahl-ah.  I wonder if the chicken or the egg came first.  Someone would have us believe that there is no connection to Islam, and she’s a white Valley Girl, with a name resembling Pamela.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story

A Flash Of Humor

 

I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.

***

One day a preacher and a boy with his little red wagon were walking down the street when a wheel fell off of the wagon.  Goddammit! The boy exclaimed.

Son don’t you dare use the lord’s name in vain! You say ‘God bless! instead, the preacher scolded

The next day they’re walking and two wheels fall off of the little red wagon.  The boy caught himself after he said it – Ah goddammit….. Sorry!

The Preacher – Boy what’d I tell you?! You say God bless it when that happens and don’t let me hear you cuss like that again!  ……Yes sir, said the boy.

Day three rolls around and three wheels pop off the wagon.  God fricken dammit oh shi—SORRY SIR!

Boy this is the last time I’m gonna tell you to stop using the good lord’s name in vain! You say God bless it instead!!!

So the fourth day rolls around and all four wheels pop off of the wagon and the little boy paused for a moment – …….God bless it….

*All four wheels pop right back on the wagon*

The preacher – WHOA GAWD DAMN!

***

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, Did Santa get you that?

Yes, replies the little girl.
Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year! and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?
The cop chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!

***

Three nuns were walking down the street each lost in introspective thought when a man wearing only a trench coat jumped out from behind a hedge and flashed the nuns. Well the first nun had a stroke! Then the second nun had a stroke as well. The third nun wouldn’t touch it.

***

The wife stormed into the pub last night, as the boys and I were downing shots of tequila.
“You’re coming home right now.” she yelled.
“No I’m not!” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

***

I told my wife I was going to pick up Beer and Pizza on my way home.
She probably regrets letting me name our sons.

***

I’m just going to put an Out Of Order sticker on my forehead, and call it a day.

***

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank.
He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.
When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.

He went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor, I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.”
The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.
“Out of curiosity” the coastguard asked, “What did it taste like?”
The fisherman replied, ”Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”

A Perfectly Good Day – Ruined!

 

The son recently collided with “What If?’
Somebody rear-ended him on his way home from work.

He left work at 7:30 AM.  Four or five blocks down the 4-lane, cross-town thoroughfare, he realized he’d forgotten his drink thermos at work, and went back to get it.  Back on the road again, he was soon humming along in the center lane, in light, 8 AM traffic.  Suddenly the car, two vehicles ahead, came to a complete stop, to make a left-turn across two lanes of oncoming traffic.  The car behind it slammed on its brakes, and the son managed an abrupt stop.  He just had time to look in the rear-view mirror to see a windshield way too close.

THUMP!!

Damn!

Now the What If kicked in.  What If I hadn’t gone back?  I’d be home, safe, having a snack.

The other driver works in the next city, 15 miles away.  He was also coming home after a midnight shift – a little tired, a little distracted, with perception, attention and reflexes a bit slowed.  The son lifted the tailgate, and used the big, flat storage surface as a writing desk to exchange information.  We both have the same insurance company, just different brokers.

Neither driver called the police, but someone must have.  Soon, a sport-brute, Police power-wagon pulled up behind them, and Officer Zygote turned on his flashers and climbed out.  The son said, “I felt like John Wayne in True Grit.  Hell, I’ve got work-boots older than this kid.  Is he really old enough to drive that thing?”

He spoke to the cop first.  They were just finishing when a steady drizzle began.  He and his co-worker passenger sat comfortable and dry in the back under the improvised awning, while the other two exchanged info in the rain.  It’s not the vehicle damage that’s the biggest piss-off.  The insurance company will pay to fix that.  It’s the lost time, and bureaucracy.

Already 30 minutes behind, the officer told them that they had to go to the Police Accident Reporting Center on the south edge of town.  The son dropped off his co-worker, and drove another 20 minutes to get there.  With COVID, you don’t just walk in and report.  There’s a sign on the door, instructing people to text an extension.  You are assigned a number, and wait your turn.  Thinking that there would be a delay, the son called home to report, and woke me.

He was immediately called in, and had to tell me that he’d call and explain later.  Cute, little, blond, female, Special Reporting Constable took his report, and slapped a Police sticker on the bumper.  She was impressed that he had all the necessary information at hand.  Car accidents do not bring out the best in people.  Many of them stumble in, not sure of their own name, much less the other driver’s, licence plates, insurance policy numbers, etc.

Now the clerical haze began to thicken.  First, the son re-called me, and explained.  When he arrived home, it was after 9:00 AM, so he called the actual insurance company.  Then he called the broker, and talked to the agent.  Then he called his passenger to tell him that he was now part of an official accident report, and might get a call from police and/or the insurance company.  Next, he chose one of the two authorized repair shops, called them, and drove over for an inspection and repair estimate.

Damn these all-electronic cars!!  Two of the three back-up proximity sensors don’t work.  The impact is barely visible to the naked eye, but the entire wrap-around bumper may have to be replaced.  A June-bug splat may take $2000/$3000 to fix.  We might never know the final cost.  The insurance company will pay, and the agents can argue it out.

On the way home from the body shop, the son heard a traffic report on the radio.  We have a report of a collision in the center, westbound lane, Victoria at Chestnut.  Property damage, but no report of injuries.  Be careful in that area.  The son said, “That was over an hour ago.  I’ve been home twice since then.  I always wanted to be on the radio, but not this way.”

Since the car would be in the shop for several days, he had to call a car-rental agency to arrange for a replacement.  He took a pain reliever and a muscle relaxant.  The wife told him to call the Chiropractor, who had an immediate opening, and took him in, but he had to later call the insurance company again, and speak to the Personal Claims clerk to get this, and continuing treatments, covered.

What if?  What if??  What If??!  Like the story of how a wasp in a car caused an accident and killed three passengers, such a tiny irritation has caused so much chaos and confusion.

***

We lost our handicapped parking permit.  We took it from our car, and put it in the rental.  When we returned the rental to the body shop, we both forgot to remove it.  A week later, some woman in a parking lot got pissy when we pulled into a handicap spot.  “Where’s the permit??”  The repair shop staff deny ever seeing it.  The young man from Enterprise, who retrieved and cleaned the rental, claims it wasn’t there.  Today, we begin the arduous bureaucratic, and possibly expensive, task of replacing it.

I’ve Been There And Back


 

 

 

 

Lost in thought – and other places.

I recently read a post from a young Canadian female, about making a wrong turn at night, and driving into the United States.  She said that she had submitted the tale as a Creative Writing essay, and had received an ‘A’ for it.  I expected a teen-ish high schooler, or a college student.  While not bad, I mentally edited it for a few word-usage, spelling and punctuation errors.

She wrote that, as the driver, she and her boyfriend went out for a late-night McDonalds run.  They followed the border, and mistakenly turned south, into the US.  This could happen almost anywhere along the border, but I suspected British Columbia.  Then the story said that she inadvertently took the up-ramp to the bridge in Windsor, and wound up in Detroit.  But the bridge to Detroit doesn’t go ‘South.’  It faces North-West.

She managed to find the entrance to the tunnel to return to Canada, to the north(?), but it was closed for maintenance.  After some more driving and searching, she managed to get back on the bridge.  The Industrially-Polite Canadian Border guard listened to their story, and let them back in without passports.  The McDonalds was now directly in front of them, but they’d spent their burger-bucks on two bridge tolls.

When I viewed the post, I did so, on the WordPress reader.  When I commented, it took me to her actual site.  There I was met with a photo of a partially-clad, full-figured young female, and claims that she was a model, an actress, and an author (?), with 20,000 Facebook followers.  A sort of Canadian-Lite equivalent to the Kardashians – famous for being famous.

I can’t fault her for her little mishap.  Something very similar occurred to us.  Back before 9/11 and passports, the wife and I spent a weekend in Niagara Falls, Ontario.  After checking in Friday night, and eating dinner, we drove on down to the end of the big highway to Fort Erie, ON, and began looking for the terminus of the romantic Riverside Drive, which would take us back to our hotel.

Somehow, a wrong turn in the darkness took us into the one-way driveway to the Duty Free shop.  There is no bridge toll from Canada to the States – nowhere to stop – nowhere to turn around.  With no other exits, we were soon in Buffalo – almost.

As soon as I got off the bridge, I immediately slowed and pulled onto the road shoulder on the fast side.  I carefully dodged a few orange, nylon traffic cones, drove across the paved median, and butted into the line of Canada-bound cars.  There is a bridge toll to cross from the US to Canada, so I was soon confronted by an American Border guard.

I carefully explained what had just happened, and said that I just wanted to get back.  They might as well have robots doing the job.  Do not distract a public servant from his well-rehearsed spiel.  I had just related what had occurred.
“How long have you been in the United States?”
“Uh, going on ninety seconds now.”
“Did you purchase anything while you were in the country?”
(What…. from the trunk of your car, parked over there?)  “No!”
“Very well, away you go then.”

I was happy to pay a(n American) dollar to return to the land of socialized medicine.  We postponed any moonlight trips up the Riverside Drive, until we were sure that we’d found it in the daylight.  Over the years, we have been a number of places that we did not intend to be, but that was the only time that it was in a foreign country.  I’m back, and ain’tcha glad??!  😉

Smitty’s Loose Change #13

I just won the jackpot – and I don’t even gamble.

I notice things.  I find money, because I look where people will lose money.  The $100 bill that I picked up from a grocery store checkout line floor, had been stepped on by the two customers in front of me.  I check the overflow chutes of the coin-counting machines found in many grocery stores.  I found 40 pennies in one, before Canada stopped minting them.  I still find the occasional few, because the machines have been set to reject them.

I recently left my neighborhood store, and glanced at the chute as I passed.  There were coins in it.  Not just a couple of pennies, or a bent dime, or a foreign coin that I could add to my collection.  The chute was full.  I bent over to see what they were…. and they were Loonies and Toonies – Canada’s, one and two dollar coins.

I quickly looked around, to see if there was someone cashing in a machine receipt – someone who would yell, “Get away from there!  That’s my money!”  No-one was paying me the least attention.  I took a large handful and dumped it into my shirt packet – and another large handful – and another large handful.  I scraped the last of it together and poured it into my pocket, affecting an off-the-shoulder look as I scuttled out.

I hoped to beat my $100 dollar record.  When I got home, I sorted it out.  21 Toonies = $42, 33 Loonies = $33, and 4 quarters, totaling $76.  Not a bad reward for just paying attention.  The next day, I only found two dimes.

***

Newspaper article headline
Should Kitchener aim to end all traffic injuries?

Nah!  Let’s maintain the ‘Run Em Down’ protocol we’ve always had!

Duh.  While that headline may seem rather silly, what the article was (delicately) asking, was, how much tax revenue can we afford to spend, for how much reduction in injuries.

***

How can you tell when a Christian Apologist blogger is lying?
That’s a trick question.  They’re always lying!
The liars are the majority, who won’t enable comments.  They make strawman claim after special pleading claim, but won’t engage in debate, or allow Atheists to offer counter-arguments.

The ones who are even worse than this, are the ones who edit out comments they don’t like.  I found a Christian trivia post which asked, “Who did Paul say should not be allowed to continue to Cyrene, because he had left the group?”

Knowing what would happen, I gave two answers.  Howard Stern?  Ray Comfort, because he went out for more bananas?  (If you don’t get the Ray Comfort joke, Google it.)  Sure enough, when I returned the next day, I had been excised.

***

I heard a TV weather forecast during the cold snap around Christmas.  The announcer warned not to travel to Canada’s Prairie Provinces, because the temperatures could go down to Negative 35.  I’ve never heard that expression used before.  It sounds like we owe somebody some weather.  Technically, it’s correct.  Plus and Minus are mathematical terms which indicate actions.  Five, minus (take away) three, equals two.  Have any of you ever heard a weather forecast which included the term “negative” temperatures.  My new online friend from Kenya is exempted.

***

After claiming victory over an infestation of rats, Oh Rats!, they came back for a second round.  I tried to turn the central air-conditioner on, and found that they had chewed their way in through the tiny hole that carries the tubes to the outdoor unit…. and the control wire.  😯  😦  After that repair, I sprayed the hole full of expanding, hardening plastic foam.

I had replaced the flexible dryer hose with another plastic one, because the path the tube takes from the machine to the outside vent is quite twisty, and complex.  To prevent another attack from that direction, I hired Dryer Vent Wizard to install solid, aluminum tubing.

The installation tech was, indeed, a wizard.  When he moved the dryer, leaving a hole in the floor, to the basement, Mica, my Fred Astaire-dancer, Bengal cat showed up to supervise.  Workers like this now all take pictures with their smart-phones, as proof of work done.  We didn’t even know that Mica was there.  He leaned up, took a photo, showed it to us when he finished, and sent it to us by email.

Flash Fiction #235

PHOTO PROMPT © CEAyr

YOU CAN’T GET THERE FROM HERE

How do you get to the K-W Oktoberfest Parade??!
Well, I wouldn’t start from here.

Summer road construction diversions were completed in time for the autumn detours.

Just go around the big COVID Obstruction, then straight through the Bicycle Virtue-Signalling Snafu, where 5000 traffic cones have produced cycling lanes, but reduced miles of four-lane major streets to two-lane parking lots.

Seating in beer tents will be every third chair, and special Pandemic masks, with little holes to drink beer through straws will be provided.

Extra test kits, and extra hospital staff, will be on hand.  Have fun, but stay safe.  👿

***

I published a post some years ago, https://archonsden.wordpress.com/2012/07/30/you-cant-get-there-from-here/ with the above title, describing traffic problems on local streets, which were laid out by cattle, rather than surveyors.  The City has gotten bigger, but so have the traffic problems.

Last year, we had 700,000 people attend Oktoberfest in 9 days.  At this time, the 2020 Oktoberfest is still a go. with – what is hoped are – sufficient safeguards.  There will be no parade, and fest-halls will not be as crowded as elevators.  The Oktoberfest Committee seem to be hoping that COVID – rather than a chunk of the population – will be dead by Canadian Thanksgiving, or a vaccine available.

My home is out on the West side of town, so that prevailing winds should blow any infection away from me.  I’ve installed HEPA filters on the air intakes, and won’t be leaving the house for over a week.  😆

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple https://rochellewisoff.com/ site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Egging The Dog On

Egg

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma – then it hit me.”

***

Two dogs are trotting down a city street, when they discover a row of parking meters, newly installed on their favorite section of sidewalk.  “Look at that!” one dog says to the other, “Pay toilets!”

I took my dog to a bonfire recently.  I was enjoying myself, but my dog seemed depressed.  Suddenly he started howling and I realized why.  We were burning all his toys.

***

I’m not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

—–

“You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.

—–

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 PM or so.

—–

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

—–

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming; I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

—–

I gave all my dead batteries away today … free of charge.

—–

The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical – and whatever you do, don’t try to figure out Who is Who.

—–

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so that if I ever get a life I’ll be notified immediately

—–

To the guy who invented “zero” … Thanks for nothing.

___

The Disappointment Club is pleased to announce that the Friday meeting is cancelled.

***

Stoner thoughts are highdeas.

***

When telephones were tied with a wire – Humans were free

***

Self-esteem is the feeling which makes us attribute our failures to bad luck, and our successes to good judgment.

***

I was looking for that thingy that peels potatoes and carrots.  I asked the kids if they’d seen it.
Apparently she left me a week ago.

***

A blonde adopted two dogs, and named them Timex and Rolex.
Her friend asked her how she came up with the names.
She replied, “They’re both watch dogs.”

***

Two wind turbines were in a field.
One asks, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other replies, “Well, I’m a big metal fan.”

***

Doctor; I’m afraid your condition is fairly advanced.
Patient; It was in its early stages when I first sat down in your waiting room.

***

How does my doctor expect me to lose weight, when every medication he prescribes says, ‘Take with food.’

***

Me: Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.
Doctor: Sit there and don’t stir.

Flash Fiction #226

Scam

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE

I came off the Parkway, to surface streets, and at the top of the ramp stood a 30ish female with a sign saying

Homeless and Hungry
Anything will help

Seat-belted in, guys can’t reach wallets. Women with purses are good marks.

Clothes are neat and clean – there’s an insulated bag, stuffed with something. Under/behind it is a $125 backpack, better than mine. Its carry-handles tied around a sign-post, is a Wal-Mart bag full of groceries, including four cans of Campbell’s soups. It’s hard to make those up over a campfire.

I’m not saying she’s a scammer, but she looks it. 😳

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Friday Fictioneers

A Shining Light

jack-o-lantern

I could never get my parents to buy a pumpkin for Halloween. They just made me stand in the window.
It wasn’t too bad until the candle started to burn the roof of my mouth.

The worst thing about retirement, is having to drink coffee on your own time.

Damned dyslexia! I just found that I sold my soul to Santa.

What is an alarm clock?
A small mechanical device to wake up people who have no children.

It’s not a cheaper car that people want – it’s an expensive car that costs less.

“What business are you interested in?”
“Everybody’s”

My cat can talk. I asked him how much was two minus two, and he said nothing.

Don’t complain about the traffic. If there were fewer cars on the road, it would be even harder to find a parking spot.

A man walked into a military surplus store and asked if they had camouflage pants.
“Yes,” the clerk replied, “But we can’t find them.”

My girlfriend admitted that she was once a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It may seem judgmental, but I’ve only known her since she was Christine.

I am so good at home repairs, that they have a special VIP section for me at the Emergency ward.

I ordered a bed from IKEA, and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Everybody’s a tough guy – until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes.

The trouble with trends – In 15 years, people on HGTV will be saying, “All those white cupboards look terrible, and we have to put up some walls between the kitchen, dining room and living room.”

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her back yard, so I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a couple of weeks.

So, here I am, watching Property Brothers, and the lady’s “profession” is dog manager, and their budget is $750,000! What did I do wrong with my life?

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Movies show people kissing in the rain, but I’d just like to see a guy who’ll run out and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Am I the only one watching HGTV who’s hoping that the house will exact some horrifying vengeance on those people inside?

***

Repeat Performance

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger,
Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

One-Lines Of Wisdom

Billy Crystal

A potpourri of thoughts on life from various comics and entertainers – some wise – some otherwise. See if you can identify any of the submitters.

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”

“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.”

“Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.”

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'”

“If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.”

“I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece. And my other niece.”

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, ‘denigrate’ means ‘put down.'”

“My wife, we get along good ’cause we have our own arrangement. One night a week I go out with the boys, and one night a week she goes out with the boys.”

“I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He’d just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.”

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

“My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.”

“Let me ask you a question, who do you think has more freedom—the married man in America or the single man in communist China?”

“Housework won’t kill you. But then again, why take the chance?”

“I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.”

“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.”

When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business.”

“I’m a godfather. That’s a great thing to be, a godfather. He calls me ‘god’ for short. That’s cute. I taught him that.”

“Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.”

“I wish people would stop making fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates.”

“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.”

“Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult.”

“Nobody is worried about a government shutdown. They’re worried about it starting back up.”

“I was having a great day until I woke up.”

“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

“Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number.”

“My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.”

“I’m a gentleman and I was always taught it’s rude to talk about a woman’s age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.”

“I look at wives the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.”

“Get-well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick, you’re missing half the fun.”

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

“If you don’t do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you’ll live forever. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy with any and all bodily functions.”

“I didn’t wake up in a new Bugatti this morning…. I’ll try again tomorrow.”

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.”