Fibbing Friday 20/3

Instead of waiting for pensitivity101, I sent her a list of topics to lie about and share with others.  The email came back marked

Return To Sender
No Such Recipient
No such Address

So I guess I’ll just have to share these with lucky little you.

1. How many years bad luck do you get if you break a mirror?

It depends on which one you break.  Knock something off the counter and break the one in the wife’s purse, and the tornado should dissipate by tomorrow.  Break a Hepplewhite one when she drags you out antiquing, and you’ll see a shattered image of two years’ savings disappearing.

2. What shouldn’t you walk under?

15.000 steps a day, if your wife put you on an exercise program, bought His and Hers Fitbits, and registered as your Friend.  When she goes to bed early, I lie on the couch watching Netflix, hang my leg over the edge, and tap the floor.  Next morning, See honey!  Quota achieved!

3. Why are black cats crossing your path considered unlucky?

One of the reasons that we bought this marvelous old mini-mansion, was the big, stone fireplace in the main room….  Until a bat got in down the chimney, and our previously-white cat chased it through the ashes, and back out onto our new, previously-ivory Persian rug.  😳

4. Why do we ‘knock on wood’?

To be closer to our Maker.

Jesus was helping St. Peter at the Pearly Gate one day.  A very old man shuffled up.  St. Peter asked him what he had been on Earth.  He replied that he had been a woodworker.  Jesus looked closer and said, “Dad?”  The old man peered back and said, “Pinocchio?”

5. Why are horseshoes considered lucky?

Know how to stop a runaway horse?  Bet on him.  I don’t know how they can run with those heavy steel things on their feet.  Couldn’t we get them a couple of pair of nice, light Reeboks?

6. Why do we cross our fingers for good luck?

To keep the stupidity and gullibility from leaking out.  This superstition stuff is all fake.  I’m a Virgo.  Us Virgos are highly skeptical and don’t believe in any of it.

7. Why is 13 considered an unlucky number?

Because there are only 12 slices in an extra-large pizza.  Sorry bro, you got here too late.  You’ll have to order another one – and while you’re out getting it, pick me up a six-pack of Heineken Dark, k?

8. On the other hand, why is 7 considered lucky?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours, why are there locks on the doors?  7 is the end of the overnight shift.  If Apu hasn’t been beaten and robbed by some junkie by then, he considers himself lucky.  I’ve never been robbed here at the Archon’s Den during any of my late-night shifts.  I see those ne’er-do-wells slinking by in the dark.  They look up and see me watching them, and put their dog between us.

9. What is signified by itchy hands?

You’ve been doing too much shopping, and slathering on that disinfectant at every store.  I’m glad this COVID is almost over.  My hands have absorbed more alcohol than I have.

10. Why should you not put shoes on the table?

With my wife’s cooking, the roasts are always so dry and tough, shoes could get sliced up and eaten without anyone even noticing.

***

It’s no wonder that Christian Apologists get their Bibles in a knot with me.  It’s not that I’m an Atheist.  It’s that I keep breaking the Thou shalt not tell a lie Commandment.  Which one is that anyway??  The 14^th??

 

Objectively Speaking

There are no objective morals, but there are ethics that work well with civilization and we should follow them for our benefit and the benefit of others.

So, your argument is that there are no objective moral standards, that we each conduct ourselves according to our own desires at the moment.  Presumably you want people to treat others with respect, the way you do, right? Why should anyone do that?

Let’s ignore “morality”, because it’s a concept invented by the religious, particularly, recently, by the American ‘Christians,’ but about the specifics of which, no two Christian groups totally agree with each other, and go with the Secular Humanist concept of The Greatest Good For The Greatest Number, which benefits the individual, their society, and the human race at large, and which is empathetically NOT according to our own desires at the moment.  If you don’t want the greatest good for the greatest number I don’t even want to know why not, just a previous warning. If you want to know if slavery is immoral – ask a slave.

What an original thought! The dictatorship of the wise and just majority. The majority won’t enslave anyone. That’s never happened before.

Yep! We will just declare the majority our god and take a poll every time we need to make a decision about anything.

Do Secular Humanists agree about everything? Does any large group of people? Would it not be a miracle if they did? Would it be a good miracle? Without some sort of basis for judging the matter, how would we know? Because everyone is in agreement? Would that be it?  I can explain why something is right and why something is wrong. Do you have an answer? Nope! All you do is make unsupported assertions.

Oh dear!!  You do seem to expend considerable time and energy, putting words into other people’s mouths.  Us ignorant Atheists, Agnostics, Humanists, and Secularists don’t declare anything to be God(like).  There is no compulsion – which far too many Christians ignore, anyway – but you are expected to think for yourself to make informed self-interest decisions.

Perhaps you have heard of Secular Humanism under its other name – Representative Democracy and Rule of Law.  It is the absolutely worst system of governance – except for every other one.  You might give it a try.  A few minor, unimportant World Nations have, and surprisingly, it seems to work.

This is where the populace selects wise and capable leaders.  They tell them what they want their country to look and act like.  They trust their elected officials to deal with the BIG moral issues, like assault, theft, and murder.  They know that the legislature will enact laws to forbid certain acts and actions, and provide penalties for those who do.  That way there’s no need for a referendum for every moral decision.  The answer to the basis of right and wrong, is mutually-agreed-on enacted laws.

Sadly, far too many Good Christians fail to join in.  They clog up divorce courts, rehabilitation clinics, and prisons.  Per capita, there are ten times as many Christians in penitentiaries, than Atheists.  In States like California, Nevada, New Mexico, and Texas, every second inmate is named Jesus.

This then leaves individuals free to personally judge the finer moral points, like….  Should my bodily autonomy be violated, and I’m forced to carry a fetus to full term, if I’m told that I must, by a priest with no ovaries, or wife who has them??

Should I hate fags and homos, if ordered to do so by a priest/preacher who is raping altar boys??
Should I take marriage advice from an unmarried priest??
Should a priest (Who isn’t supposed to be having sex) be allowed to dictate how, when, how often, what position, whom I may – and may not – have sex with??

Why do you look at the mote that is thy brother’s eye, but do not see the plank that is in thine own eye?  👿

’23 A To Z Challenge – E

The Sound of silence…. Music…. Language

Each language has its own sound – its own tempo – its own delivery.  Even if you don’t know what the foreign speaker is saying, you can often tell what language it is, simply by the sound of it.  Italian and Spanish sound like the machinegun chatter of chickadees on meth.  French sounds like the speaker is trying to evade being charged with child luring.  German sounds like someone is training a dog, and Russian seems spoken by a crew of cesspool cleaners.  I often know the area where an English native is from, just by the local accent.

Most languages don’t change much, or very quickly.  Spanish-speakers can read El Cid in the original, while Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, written at the same time, requires a translator.  English evolves, and its sound has changed over time.

It’s not just the new words, and the new meanings and usages of old words.  It’s that the world, and therefore the language, has grown larger, and more complex.  We have less time, to say more.  The construction is getting shorter, quicker, tighter, and wider, but not as deep.

A century ago, or two, we had the time – at least the privileged, educated,  upper crust – to converse and orate, using grandiloquent, polysyllabic words, often from Latin or Greek bases.  Those idyllic days are gone.  The grand old days of the unhurried Romance-era are long past.

I recently read a piece from another archaist like me – someone who likes to throw the occasional impressive antique usage in.  He used the word

EFTSOON

Soon after, before 950; Middle English eftsone,Old English eftsōna.See eft², soon

While it was a sweet, caramel-sundae kind of word, we just don’t have the time for it anymore, in our fast-paced, frenetic lives.  The leisurely, imposing sound of it has been replaced by curt, businesslike words like ASAP, or stat.

The Good Old Days were only good for the cream of the social crop, but their relaxed, melodious language usage was pleasing to the ear.  Hurry back ASAP stat soon for another helping of blather.

List Of ‘IST’ Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know what our suggestions were for this list of ‘ists,’ please.

1. Philatelist

These are OCD people like my loony-bin neighbour, who will only associate with men named Phil – like Phil Collins, Phil Silvers, “Dr.” Phil McGraw, golfer Phil Mickelson, and his dentist, Phil McCavity
.
2. Botanist

A botanist is any one of a gaggle of teenage girls, set loose with daddy’s credit card, in a retail mall.  A negativist is a person who warns that bricks-and-mortar stores will soon be extinct, and we’ll buy everything online and have it delivered.  Not while these frenetic females exist, and they want to try on every top, in every store, and test every shade of lipstick, before bragging, “See what I bot.”

3. Naturalist

A naturalist is a person who frequents a clothing-optional beach, or nudist colony, to acquire a tan without tan lines.  Many of them are strippers exotic dancers, but you’ve already met Dick Brown.  Just wait until he gets skin cancer, then he’ll be Spotted Dick.

4. Taxidermist

He’s one of the new urbanites, who works from home in one of those giant housing densification buildings, complete with its own retail/service area.  He doesn’t own a car because there’s only 100 parking spaces for 12,000 residents.  He very seldom physically leaves the building.  Most of his ‘trips’ are digital and electronic.  When he does go out, he relies on Uber, Lyft, buses, and cabs.

5. Anthropologist

‘Anthropo’ – a prefix indicating “manlike” An anthropologist is someone who expends time and energy, trying to prove or disprove the likes of Sasquatch, or the Yeti.  If they’re searching for hairy, ill-mannered, sub-humans who utter incomprehensible noises, they’d be better advised to frequent any Glasgow pub on Saturday night.

6. Scientist

“Science” means knowledge. A scientist is a person who asks questions of the Universe, to know how it works.  I tried doing that, but the Universe said, “Hold on!  I’ve got a question for you.  After tilting against the windmills of Disney and the Florida teachers, how the Hell does Ron DeSantis think he has a ghost of a chance to be president?

7. Strategist

A strategist is a person like Phil Harding, of the Time Team, who digs through the layers and tiers of rock and dirt, to find historical relics and ancient fossils.

8. Protagonist

A protagonist is an adult who wishes to get some exercise and fresh air, and shed some of the stresses and strains of modern busy and complex society by once again embracing the childhood games of yesteryear.  There are also promarblists, and prohopscotchists.

9. Pharmacist

Use your imagination!  I’d use mine, but it’s still stunned by that Ron DeSantis story.  I told you that I would someday post a three-legged dog – (or a nine-armed squid) – of an FF list.

10. Biologist.

A biologist is someone whose job it is to prove that you’re a hell of a nice person – as long as you’re dead.  It’s up to them to sift through your life, and assemble a quarter-page newspaper blurb about your achievements and successes.  Very seldom does it mention that the featured fictional character lived in a multi-million dollar mansion because they were a shark of a lawyer who created six acrimonious divorces, and four bankruptcies.  😦

.

 

RAPE!

Rape has disappeared.  It is no more.  Sadly, not the act, that’s still all too common, but the word – the term.  Woke insists that no-one’s delicate sensibilities shall be offended, and I am offended by that.

As a ten-year-old, after I had read for the third time that some young female had been raped, I just asked my Mother what “Rape” was.  It never occurred to me that any male would force a female to have intercourse.

Caught completely off-guard, she went into some embarrassed, her-sensibility non-offending story about, “Well, you know when a man doesn’t want to have a baby….” which just left me totally bewildered.  Not wanting to have a baby didn’t seem to have anything to do with it.  I knew what sex was.  I understood the mechanics.  Flap A went into slot B, even if I didn’t yet have a rigid Flap A.  One of my more street-wise friends soon set me straight.

In every medium, “Rape” has been replaced with ‘Assault.’  If the newspaper or television station is really daring, it might be “Sexual Assault.”  C’mon!  Call a spade, a spade!  I think that this just trivializes the concept of rape.  (Sexual) Assault is one thing.  Rape is something completely different and far worse.

Sexual assault is an over-ardent teen boyfriend, managing to unhook a bra-strap in the backseat of a car.  It is a handsy restaurant manager patting waitress’s butts.  It’s even Donald Trump “grabbin’ them right by the crotch, ‘cause you know they want it.”  It’s not “Rape” until it gets to FHRITP, or, until the check bounces.

Rape is degrading, and the result of expressed power and anger.  While not wanted or consented to, sexual assault is usually the result of overactive hormones.  Show some restraint and control, guys, or you could end up in prison, where you might find out what rape is really like.  😛

Elementary School Comedy

The children were lined up for lunch at the cafeteria of a Catholic Elementary school.  At the head of the line was a big pile of apples.  A nun wrote a note that said, “Take only one.  God is watching.”

At the end of the table was a tray of cookies.  A young student made a note that said, “Take all you want.  God is keeping an eye on the apples.”

***

Most people don’t know this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food, without telling everyone around you.

***

Police in Utah released video of an incident where a 4-year-old fired a single shot at them following an altercation involving the child’s father at a McDonald’s drive-thru. The restaurant manager said his Utah location had mistakenly received Happy Meal toys intended for Texas.

***

Three doctors were playing golf. The heartless cardiologist led the gutless gastroenterologist by 3 strokes. The dermatologist didn’t care because he had no skin in the game.

***

Funny, In Spite Of Everything
A farmer was standing by a fence along his property. Suddenly God appeared before him. God said “George, you have been a good man during your life. As a reward, I’m going to grant you one wish. But you must know that I will grant the same wish to your neighbor.” The farmer thought about it for a moment and said “kill my cow.”

***

A blonde complained to her friend, “It was terrible at the movies last night! I had to change seats five times.” “Why? Did some guy bother you?” “Yeah. Eventually.”

When my kids text me “plz” because it’s shorter than “please,” I text back “no” because it’s shorter than “yes!”

Joe answered the knock on the door. Some kids in costumes said, “Give us candy or we’ll bad mouth you on social media!” Joe was taken aback. “Huh?” he said. The kids concluded, “Sorry, man, it’s trick or tweet!”

My new blonde girlfriend got all angry on me last night when she saw my phone. “Who in the hell is this Amber Alert?!”

I purchased a Senior’s GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get there, but why I wanted to go there in the first place.

***

Face The Music Fibbing Friday

It was Pensitivity101’s birthday last Friday so she was having a ‘day off’ and glad to post another set of questions provided by Jim Adams.  Thanks Jim.  It’s okay.  Since I turned 70, I’ve had a lot of ‘off days.’

Music

Why did Don Mclean drive his Chevy to the levy?

That whole American Independence thing began with, “No taxation without representation.” So there was no Levy.  Instead, Don expected a big party – a soirée – a levee, but there was only some damn dam, keeping the trout stream out of his basement.

Who will stop the rain?

Homosexuals!  Some Fundamentalist preachers claim that droughts are caused because of the existence of too many gays.  Other Fundamentalists claim that hurricanes, giant thunderstorms and floods are caused by the presence of too many gay guys.  If we could just get all the gays spread out over the world in the right proportions, we could probably defeat Global Warming.

Where does the love go?

Over to Wembley Stadium.  Rafael Nadal stores it in his racquet case, because he almost never needs to use it, the oaf.

Who shot the deputy?

Mr. Johnson shot the deputy, even though he insisted that he was just working his side gig as an Uber-Eats driver, delivering egg fu yung to Mrs. Johnson on Mr. Johnson’s Rotary Club meeting nights.

Why was nobody getting fat except Mama Cass?

Did you ever see her eat??!  After last week’s big society gala, it was her that I followed to the buffet.  That woman sure could suck back the food.  If she’d been British, their vacuum cleaners would be called Elliots, instead of Hoovers.

How did the blackbird break its wings?

It inadvertently flew in an open window of the home of our local meth lab.  It flew out again, a few minutes later.  Observers report that it was travelling at 130 real Miles Per Hour, and gaining altitude quickly, when the catastrophic failure of both lift surfaces occurred.

What did the Traveling Wilburys find at the end of the line?

A prince, calling all the way from Nigeria, to tell them that he had $200 Million U.S. that he would give them 10% of, if they would just provide their banking information so that he could transfer it out of the country.

What instrument did Mr. Bojangles play?

The spoons!  After also following Mama Cass to the buffet, and finding it as empty as Mother Hubbard’s cupboard, Bill Robinson decided to use some of the now-useless cutlery to do a bit of busking and make enough coin to order a pizza.

Who lived on Desolation Row?

Bob Dylan’s mother.  So, Mister Musician, are you proud of yourself?  Your Father and I worked our fingers to the bone, and scrimped and saved so that you could go to a nice school, and get a profession, like a doctor, or a lawyer, but do we get any thanks??  Oh, no!  You want to play a guitar, and blow a silly harmonica.  At least you changed your name.  Maybe no-one will know.  You should have got a nice job, like an undertaker.

Why couldn’t the Rolling Stones get any satisfaction?

It was probably because of all the drugs that they ingested – any, or all, in combination.  I mean…. Keith Richards, snorting his father’s cremated ashes??! – And he wouldn’t even share a line with Mick and the rest of the boys.  Ron Wood looks like he stocks his bar with formaldehyde.

’23 A To Z Challenge – D

Don’t be a horse’s ass!  Use some horse sense.  Someone once decried steam locomotive trains, saying that travelling more than 40 MPH would drive people insane.  Sorry!!  They came in that way.

The 20^th Century and the 21^st have been a period of great, rapid, technological advancement and development.  Some people are able to keep with part, or all of it, better than others.  Bigots sometimes denigrate middle-Easterners, by calling them camel-riders.  That sometimes is a good idea – the camel-riding, not the name-calling.

A scientific expedition to research a geographic anomaly in the Sahara, hired a Bedouin guide who was reputed to know the desert well.  They loaded him in one of their jeeps, and tore off into the sand.  After a day of driving they stopped, and asked him where they were, and where their destination was.  He had no idea!!  He knew the desert by how long it took to get to any part of it, by camel.

Trafficking in stupidity!

There are waaayyyy too many car drivers who should be restricted to horse-drawn carts, pulled by

DOBBIN

a horse, especially a quiet, plodding horse for farm work or family use.

A horse would be smarter than many drivers.  I don’t drive much anymore, but I DO watch some “Idiots in Cars” YouTube videos.  A horse would get out of the way of a lot of these accidents.  I’ve bitched that some people don’t drive past the hood of their car.  The worst of them don’t drive past the end of their nose.  These are the ones who should take a bus, a cab, or an Uber.

Oh, the road lanes separate ahead, and there’s a concrete divider with buttress at the end.
I’ll just keep driving right into it.
I’m going so slow, that someone is making a left-turn in front of me.
I won’t bother to swerve to avert a collision, or put on the brakes.  I’ll just drive slowly right into them.

A small rancher in Wyoming rode his horse several miles into what passed for a small town one evening.  He hitched Lightning outside a roadhouse bar, and went in and got snozzled.  At closing time he managed to clamber back into the saddle, smacked the horse on the rump, ordered Home, and slumped over the saddle-horn.

Lightning was happy to head back home, where there was food, and water, and other horses, so off he trotted.  Just outside town, an ambitious, officious State Trooper pulled the pair over, and charged the rancher with drunk driving.  Sometimes it’s just best to pay the damned fine.  Sometimes it ain’t.

He went to court, and argued to the judge that his horse was not a motor-vehicle as defined by law.  Also, in his condition, he was not in care and control of his autonomous transport.  The judge agreed, and dismissed the charge, saying that he felt the horse was the smartest of the three.

Saddle up and ride back on Friday, to meet Lyin’ Brian, my evil Fibbing Friday twin.  😉

CANCER!

Well, that title got your attention!

The wife is going to be on TV – YouTube, actually – opposite a world-famous star.
I’ll send you the link later if you want.
You won’t see her face, just her guts, if you have the guts to watch.

The local YouTube videos are liberally sprinkled with Ontario Health PSA’s.  Middle-aged and older women, some alone, some with husbands/partners, all smiling at the camera, with the printed tagline,
I’m here because we caught it early!  😀

IT was cervical cancer!  Twenty years ago, a pap-smear result had me driving the daughter 75 miles to a specialty-clinic in the London, Ontario University Hospital, for a little nip and tuck, and removal of a small, pre-cancerous – or just-cancerous, polyp.  She’s still here because they caught it early.

THEN THERE’S THE WIFE!
It all started innocently enough….
(How often have I used that line?)

After the wife fell down and banged her head, her doctor started a battery of tests to find out why.  The first thing she discovered was that the wife was mildly anemic.  The cause is often a minor internal bleed, so she ordered a colonoscopy and a gastric endoscopy.  This is the wife’s fourth colonoscopy in 12 years.  She made the G.I. guy promise to do the top end first.

He found and removed several polyps from her stomach, upper intestine, and lower intestine….  Then he found a big, nasty one right exactly where you don’t want to find one – at the narrow bottom of the duodenum, the hardest point in the body to get to, and work at.  The local doctor and hospital have about an 80/85% confidence level, so he referred her to a specialty-clinic at St. Michael’s Hospital in Toronto.  Any of the four surgeons, and the hospital’s high-tech equipment, rate 90/95% confidence.

He sent along color pictures.  We thought that the March 6^th visit would be for removal, but this guy wanted to do some more research.  A needle biopsy had indicated no evidence of cancer, but the big-city sawbones felt sure that there were some cancer cells sprinkled through it, that were randomly missed.

Whether cancerous or not, this thing’s got to come out – ASAP!  Already it almost blocks the passage, and getting bigger.  Scheduled surgery in Kitchener would have been mid-September.  Especially if this thing goes cancerous, that would be far too late.  The Toronto-doc could schedule it for mid- April.

This polyp is so large, so nasty, and so inaccessible, that our surgeon had all three of his partners watching the view-screen, offering thoughts and opinions, while he worked.  The best choice for removal was endoscopically, rather than invasive abdominal surgery.  He was pretty sure that he could take it out, but there were potential problems.  It’s a big mushroom.  If he snips it off too high up the stem, it and/or the cancer might regrow.  If he cut too close to the bottom, he might perforate the thin duodenum wall, damaging the liver and pancreas, and necessitating the abdominal surgery to repair the mishap.

One of the reasons that his best scheduled surgery date was mid-April, was that on March 28, 29, and 30^th, the clinic and hospital were hosting a world-wide conference of the best G.I. surgeons, including a ninja-Japanese surgeon with a confidence rating of 99/101%.  If this guy is not number one in the world, he’s in the top five

They were watching for problem cases like the wife’s, so that he could show his talents.  If we agreed, she would be part of a video of his work, to train and improve other surgeons.  Two of the benefits were that the operation would be done three weeks even sooner, and it would be done by the world’s best.  Of course we agreed – all that, and for free, under Canada’s socialized medical system.

***

Stay tuned.  Murphy got a chance to read the first draft, and has added some plot twists in the next chapter.   😳

Fibbing Friday Royale

Last week’s Fibbing Friday from Pensitivity101 was based on a fictitious major event to which you, the reader, were invited. Below are 10 questions to lie about: Give them your best shot!

1. What would you do if you found yourself seated next to a disgraced member of the family?

So, they caught up with you too??!  I’ve got a friend who knows how to disable CCTV cameras, but she wants a few bucks.  Wanna go halfsies?

2.  How would you react if you were subjected to ‘Hatgate’? That is someone with a monstrous hat being seated in front of you.

I would begin by quietly informing her that the Red Hat Society meeting was in the adjacent hall.  If that wasn’t successful I would stand up to take photos – six or eight times – ‘accidently’   knocking her millinery masterpiece on the floor.  I might even try to assist her putting it back on, and skewer Meh-Damn’s Madame’s ear with a hatpin.  It’s too bad that smoking in public has been banned.  I Someone might burn her hat and her hair-sprayed coiffure to the ground.

3.  Photographs are not allowed, but you have a plan to take pictures………. what is it?

An Etch-A-Sketch – with a pinhole camera in the back.

4.  The person on your left has fallen asleep. How would you wake them discreetly?

Wake them??!  Hell, I’d use their shoulder as a pillow.  If anything resembling ‘exciting’ occurs, I’m sure they’ll notify me – might even make a new friend.

5.  The grand entrance occurs and something is not quite right from your point of view. What is it?

The guest of honour, and all support staff, appear to think that I should give a damn.  I had six or seven gin and tonic antidotes to that at the local, before I arrived.

6.  After the service, it’s time for the buffet. Not quite sure where you’re supposed to go, what do you do?

Me??  Not know where the food is??  Shirley surely you jest, and stop calling me Shirley.  Follow my nose – or just follow the rest of the ravening horde.

7.  Making small talk over the canapés is awkward. What do you do to make it less so?

Make LARGE talk!  Wave my arms – one of which has a full drink.  Declaim loudly, and at great length, about what a genius Shakespeare was, and how he must have been a time-traveler, because the psycho-socio-political plot of Hamlet so closely matches the reign of Emperor term of President Trump – until there’s no-one left near the rumaki.  I love those little fellows.

8.  Time for the Speeches and they seem to go on for hours. What do you do to keep awake?

Count the number of times each speaker uses a phrase like, lay in wait, instead of ‘lie,’  or, I could care less.  The loser winner would receive a free, elementary-school English textbook.  There should be lots available.  Obviously they’re not using them in the schools.

9.  You are suddenly asked to say a few words at the podium. How do you react?

The solution is in the challenge.  Being a man of few words – I’ve said them.  Is the bar open?

10.  It has been a tiring experience and you catch 40 winks in a quiet corner. When you wake up, the venue is in darkness. What do you do?

Use my Smart phone to download such songs as Goodnight Irene, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Sleepwalk, Sweet Dreams, Talkin’ In Your Sleep, and the Everly Brothers’, Wake Up Little Suzie, to pass the time till the janitor comes in to open back up again in the morning.  I wouldn’t call the wife, though.  I want her to think that I’m having a good time at a bar, or picking up women.