Dancing Around Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 was inviting us to provide alternative artists (real or fictitious) for these song titles:

1. Stop in the name of Love

Some Biblical guy named Onán
No glove – No love
Spill your seed upon the ground

2. You can call me Al

Al Bundy did it first, but he just didn’t have the voice, so he went on to become the world’s greatest shoe salesman.

3. Till you come back to me

Yo-Yo Squash and the Rebounds

4. I just wanna dance with somebody

This song was made famous by Billy Idol just before closing time, at many a karaoke bar.  He said that he asked The World to dance, but, “I’m dancin’ with myself.”  It gives you a thumbnail sketch of his personality.  Sine-Aid Sinéad O’Connor told him that, “Nothing compares to you – favourably.”

5. Won’t somebody dance with me?

Were you doing shots with Billy Idol??!  I just answered this, above.  Could I hear the refrain from asking again?

6. Two out of three ain’t bad

That’s the new campaign theme song for ex-President (and we hope he stays that way) Donald Trump, ever since an aide told him that there were 34 felony charges against him, but he’d only been convicted of 22.  He also explained to Trump how to figure out how many two out of three were.  The Donald told him that he didn’t need to, because the marks he got back in maths class were “HUGE!”

7. Ghost riders in the sky

As a supplement to Up and Away, Into the Wild Blue Yonder, this has been adopted and sung by the USAF Stealth Plane Squadron.  Can’t see us – can’t hit us.  With their planes’ strange angles and radar non-reflective coating, from the ground they have the perceivability of a robin.  Nothin’ to see here, just us clouds.

8. Ticket to Ride

This is the new fight song for the Underground Transit Authority Constable Squad.  Determined to combat the plague of Chavs and other louts jumping turnstiles, they go where and when it most often happens, and lie in wait, concealed behind kiosks and pillars.  When it occurs, they leap out and put the arm on the culprit.

Oy.  ‘Alf a mo, chum.  ‘Ere’s a citation for criminal trespass, and theft of services.  It earns you no-charge transportation to the local nick, where you can explain your anti-social activities to a judge in the morning.  Like The Edgar Winter Group says, that’s your Free Ride.

9. Totally devoted to you

Melania Trump, serial monogamist Donald Trump’s third (?) wife.  She wanted to change the title a bit to, Totally devoted to your bank account, and my lifestyle.  The hit on the B-side was, It’s Not Rape Until the Cheque Bounces, and includes the lyrics, We know what you are.  We’re just negotiating the price.  😳

10. Me and You and a Dog named Boo

A duo of the English teacher, and the Maths teacher at my high school.  They wanted to title it, You and I, and a Dog Named Pi.

Twenty-Tooth Fibbing Friday

My tablet chimed with a picture of a courier package delivered to my porch.  At first, I thought it might be the badger taxidermy kit I’d ordered.

Local council has told Pensitivity101 that I can’t be lurking around her little cottage.  I’ve been caught lying so often, that she shipped me another list of questions to be truthfully creative with.

1. What did the couch say to the toilet?

What do you think of the rectum, as a hole??  I feel it is a source of shit, and should be wiped out.

2. What caused the last traffic jam in town?

It was that girl, who moved here from the big city.  The friendly one, with the deep V-neck sweater that don’t stand for virgin any more.  The one with the short-short-shorts that barely cover her assets.  The town’s only got one pay-for-time parking meter – the one she always leans against.

3. What really powers the Internet?

It’s the download of the energy potential between the two poles of cognitive dissonance – Religion vs. Atheism, Flat Earth vs. Globetards, Faith vs. Scientism and Darwinism.  It’s like using geothermal to heat your home.  If you dig down far enough, someone’s always spewing some heat about it.

4. What is really between Trump’s ears?

MSN just published an image of a super-gigantic black hole.  They claimed that it was at the center of the Greater Magellanic Cloud.  The image was a little blurry, but I’m pretty sure I saw that Mac-and-Cheese orange hair above it.

5. What is in the heart of Africa?

African trypanosomiasis may also cause a myocarditis. The protozoan parasite, Entamoeba histolytica rarely causes a pericarditis while Toxoplasma gondii may cause myocarditis, usually in immunocompromised hosts. The larval forms of the tapeworms Echinococcus and Taenia solium may cause space-occupying lesions of the heart.

All in all, not a very nice place to be.  Like Blackpool on a Saturday night.  It’s small wonder that British colonialists were glad to finally give it back to the natives.

6. What was the last meal eaten in the Garden of Eden?

Apple pan dowdy.

7. Who built the pyramids in the Yucatan?

One of Donald Trump’s earliest real estate development corporations.  They led directly to the first time he went bankrupt.

8. What is the highest form of flattery?

It’s my (possibly soon-to-be-ex) buddy, Bob, when he gets all smoked up, and full of booze, and calls me to come get him at 3 AM, and be the designated driver.  I love you, man!  You are beautiful, did you know that?

9. Speakeasies were not secret bars, what were they?

Open-mic nights at the local Comedy Club.

10. Alcatraz isn’t a prison, what is it really?

It’s the new home of Archon LLC, Sociopath, and Procrastinator clubs.  We held a Sociopath meeting, but nobody showed up.  We haven’t got around to scheduling a Procrastinator Club meeting yet.  We have leased a small wing to the Kardashian Petty Cash and Bling Repository Department.

11. What is in Hamburger?

Wiener schnitzel, sauerkraut, St. Pauli Girl lager, and Linzertorte.

12. What is the real question and answer to number #12?

Why is a mouse, when it spins??  The higher, the fewer!!
A brothel??  If we can’t get ‘em to drink beer, how are we gonna get ‘em to drink broth?

What??!  No applause??  No fan mail??  Well, you asked for it!  There’ll be another post on Monday.  😀

’22 A To Z Challenge – U

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What word or phrase – beginning with the letter U – will I choose as a theme, this time?

As the singer, Tom Jones says, It’s Not Unusual.  But then, can you really trust a man who was willing to lop off his last name, to take advantage of a movie presentation of an old, smutty novel, to help kick-start his career??  😕

Words in the dictionary, beginning with the letters X, Y, or Z, are not terribly plentiful.  Words beginning with U, seem a bit more abundant – until you realize that most of them are un-something – the negatives of a bunch of positive words.

I am willing – I positively revel – to be G.O.D. – the Grumpy Old Dude blogger, grumbling about this and that.  But I don’t want the entire, overarching theme of my website, to be negative.  I don’t mind bitching about certain foibles of society, but overall, I want it to be

UPBEAT

A musical term which has come to mean; optimistic, cheerful, happy

I am positive that Donald Trump, and many other politicians, are total, and complete ASSHOLES!  Perhaps we should try to choose political leaders who are UN-assholes….  Are there any??!  😳  Maybe we could issue a UKASE – edict, order, directive, ruling, decree, fiat, proclamation, that no assholes are allowed.  Now that would be positive!

On my way out, I’d like to introduce you to my new, non-sequitur pet, an

URUBU

A Portuguese, vulture-like turkey buzzard.  Handsome little devil, isn’t he??!  😉

Legal To Drink On Fibbing Friday

I received a parcel via courier the other day.  I thought that it might be the sea monkeys that I had ordered from Amazon, but it was another batch of Fibbing Friday prompts from Pensitivity101.

1. What is a humdinger?

Someone once asked Monica Lewinski if she’d ever taken it into her head to make money.  She replied that Bill Clinton had never paid her.  Most of us know that a Hummer is not only a gas-guzzling penis surrogate.  With a humdinger, the added fillip is digital anal insertion at the moment of truth.  It really adds something – or so I’m told.  No wonder she has a stain on that blue dress.

2. What is Hopscotch?

It’s a little dance I do on my way to the washroom (More of a stagger and stumble, than hop) over all the Legos and stuffed toys in the living room, after I’ve had one or two – or twelve – Glenfiddich, to wind down from another day of COVID mandate lockdowns.

Singer Bobbie Goldsboro had to go to Emergency, and get three stitches in his big toe, after he stumbled into a small pile of dried Rice Krispies, milk, and far too much sugar, that his son had dripped off the coffee table while watching morning cartoons.

3. What is Boeuf Bourguignon?

She is Shia LeBoeuf’s mother.  She has been underwhelmed by his movie portrayals, and is so disappointed and embarrassed that she is going back to her maiden name.

4. What is a Lady In Waiting?

She could be any one of the professional party girls from either of the local universities who attended the drunken orgies St. Patrick’s Day or Homecoming street parties.  I’ve peed on this stick, and I need to know if there’s one blue line, or two!  😯

5. What is a lupin?

Canada has a Francophone Federal opposition party politician named Pierre Poilievre, whose name translates roughly to pea-picker – like Tennessee Ernie Ford used to say,  “Bless your little pea-pickin’ heart.”  Lupins are members of the pea-plant family.  How many peas can a pea-pickin’ politician pick while waiting for his Golden Handshake??!

6. What is brimstone?

For twenty years, the wife and I were deliriously happy.  Then we met.  Brimstone was the one in her engagement ring.  Once I had presented that to her, my life began circling the outer ring of Dante’s Hell, just like the remains of yesterday’s burrito dinner going down the toilet.  I could have married anyone I pleased, but apparently I never pleased anyone.

When we got married, the wife and I agreed that I would handle all the big problems, while she took care of the small stuff.  In over 50 years of marriage, I have never had to make a major decision.  The wife says that I have to go now, because I’m getting too maudlin – and the cat-litter tray needs to be cleaned out.  😉

7. What is a Lady’s Slipper?

It’s the see-through part of Cinderella’s costume that the Prince got to keep.  I’m not sure how.  At the stroke of midnight, the horses turned back into mice, and the coach reverted to being a pumpkin.  Why didn’t the dropped shoe change back into an eggplant??!

8. How long can a snail sleep?

I can’t get mine to sleep.  He keeps racing across the floor and up the walls, harassing the dogs.  I should never have kept one as a pet in my meth lab.

9. Up to 1 trillion germs can be found on which part of the body?

Donald Trump’s tongue.   😛  Did you see how many ‘Good Christian’ asses he had to kiss to get into power??!  And then, when a reporter asked him what his favorite Bible verse was, he couldn’t articulate one, because God shut his tongue down, so that he could not blaspheme.

10. What is a Puffling?

It’s an old, out-of-shape guy like me, whose two life-long hobbies have been to add pounds of weight, (Kilos, for those readers in Metric countries) and years of age. (Years, for those readers in Metric countries)   The only thing I run now, is my tongue.  My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  I get winded just changing my mind.  It’s a good thing that I don’t do it often.  I’m not opinionated – it’s just that I’m always right.

Someone asked me if I was the King of Non-Sequiturs.  I couldn’t answer because I was busy delivering  a completed Fibbing Friday post to Pensitivity101 that was so old that I needed Indiana Jones to help me dig it up.

Mixed Bag Fibbing Friday

Questions for last week were a mixed bag and Pensitivity101 was looking forward to reading what we came up with – finally.

1. What is a bobby pin?

That was the Choke Hold/Body Slam that the Security Patrol Police Officer put on the lout who recently threw eggs at Bonnie King Charlie.

2. What is a Whoopee Cushion?

It’s the device that short, little MS Goldberg uses, to appear to be as tall as the rest of the Valkyrie co-hosts on The View.

3. What is a cock-a-poo?

That’s the cutesy name that the nurses give to the commodes in the men’s sections of the old-folks homes long-term care facilities.

4. Why are some chicken eggs brown and some white?

White eggs are caused by sun-bleaching, by light that enters henhouses while various chickens leave the nest, and root for food during the day.  When some farmers found out how much they could charge for brown eggs, by calling them ‘Organic,’ they boarded up all the windows.

5. How would you describe cardboard?

Foursquare, upstanding and self-contained, are the only words that come to mind.  It’s difficult to think outside the box.

6. What do a pony and monkey have in common?

They do not believe in Creation.  An All-Knowing God would not have been dumb enough to put Mankind in charge of the Earth.  The Great Apes have filed an injunction to have a portion of the family tree lopped off.

7. What is a USB key?

Similar to the Bat Signal, it’s the device I use to summon my creative Muse.  Either it needs a new battery, or Erato is on an extended, drunken orgy with Bacchus – again.  No inspiration this week.  😳

8. What is a golden handshake?

It’s one that you don’t want to get from any of the staff at a food-service business.  That’s the reason that restaurants have signs in their washrooms that insist, “Staff must wash hands before returning to work.”

9. What is an orange pippin?

It’s just an ordinary pippin that wanted to do some sun-bathing, but forgot to slather on lots of SPF Global Warming/End of the World sunscreen.  Note:  may be related to a certain ex-US President.

10. What is Teflon?

I’m still not sure.  I tried to do some online research, but none of the information seemed to stick with me.

’22 A To Z Challenge – N

 

NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!

Now that I have your attention….  I got nothing.  😳

I would like to believe that Vladimir Putin won’t go as far as to start lobbing nukes, just because he can’t get his petulant, entitled way, and take possession of a chunk of Europe best known for its export of strippers and mail-order brides.  I think that he will come to his senses prior to that point, but I’ve been wrong before.

He guaranteed his sycophantic nincompoop BFF, The Donald Trump, an uninterrupted supply of future trophy wives, and we all saw how much and how often his reign term in office went bad.

I used the word nincompoop intentionally.  It has come to have a soft, inept, amusing, meaning, but it came from the Latin, non compos mentis – not in one’s right mind, crazy, F**king insane!

I once read an article by an American writer (Whom I did not know was American), in the (Canadian) Macleans Magazine, which described a Canadian politician as a

NUMSKULL

I agreed with his assessment, but sent him a snippy email which read, “It’s numbskull, not numskull, you numbskull.”  He responded with considerable restraint and grace, telling me that he put a B in the word when he submitted it, but that someone at the magazine had edited it out, apparently to make room to add a U to one of his other words, to make it ‘colour.’

NEVER MIND

I felt like such a nitwit.  😳

’22 A To Z Challenge – M

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgotten Words – Forgotten Attitudes

What do we want?

GOOD MANNERS

When do we want them?

Right now!

Are we likely to get them??!

F*&@ no!

In a world where the words we use, and our attitudes, are supposedly of utmost importance, words are regularly passing out of use from the English language.  We become dumbed down intellectually, ethically, and spiritually. Here are a few words which have been forgotten, though they were in regular use just a few decades ago. Interestingly, they’re all related in meaning:

Modesty

Humility

Courtesy

Honesty

“I pray thee then, write me as someone who loves his fellow man.”  (Abou ben Adhem)

Donald Trump is gone, although, if he can evade the FBI on his magpie collection of classified documents, he’s threatening to return in 2024.  While he facilitated much of the above, and vindicated it to a too-large swath of the American population, he was not the cause of it.  He was merely a visible symptom of the cultural rot.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Be nice to each other out there.  Okay?  The life you save may be your own.

Thus endeth the reading of the first lesson.  More of the usual drivel soon.

XXXV Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 is in a silly mood this week so she decided to invite us to mix and match.
Fictional characters or real people, who would you pair the following with? If you wish, you could give your reasons.

Interviewer;  If you could have dinner with anybody, alive or dead, who would you choose?
Beauty-Contest Blonde;  The live one.

1. William Shakespeare

Daniel Webster.  As fast as Will With a Quill could make up new words, old Danny Boy could put them in the dictionary.
2. Donald Trump

I was going to pair The Donald, and BoJo, but that’s Dumb And Dumber double jeopardy.  If Dashing Don doesn’t get smart and learn to keep his mouth shut, I’ve located a wholesale importer of Personal Lube that he’s gonna need when he gets sent to Club Fed.
3. Margaret Thatcher

I asked both The Rock, and Jason Momoa, if they would be interested in being her escort, but they both said that she was a better man than either of them.  Instead, I found a SCA armourer who could keep her in steel underpants.
4. Peter Piper

Not that Charlie Brown!  This Charlie Brown!    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbBr2bgAbcM
Why’s Peter Piper always pickin’ on me??!
5. Gordon Ramsay

If Iron Lady Thatcher’s armourer wasn’t too busy, perhaps we could get him to fashion the equivalent of a chastity belt for Ramsay’s tongue, and be able to dine in peace and quiet
6. Jessica Rabbit

Jessica said that she wasn’t really bad, she was just drawn that way, so I would swipe her left with James Dean – the ultimate Bad Boy.
7. Boris Johnson

These guys won’t hang out with him anymore because they claim he stole their act.  He could use a good cartographer to chart his course into political obscurity.  Donald Trump’s hairdresser is free, as is the guy who never got a chance to build that Mexican wall.  BoJo could have him start one at Dover to keep the Eurotrash out of Avalon.
8. Einstein

If we introduced Steven Hawking to Einstein, perhaps he could teach the old dog some new quantum tricks.  If the battery in Hawking’s voice synthesizer didn’t run out of juice, they could discuss The Whichness of the Why until a philosophical black hole formed, and we all rotated into an alternate reality where Woke, and Cancel Culture didn’t exist.
9. Wolverine

He could form a Siskel and Ebert-type duo with Freddie Kruger, and create a podcast about the social significance of Charlie Chan movies.  There would be a lot of sharp dialog and pointed comments.
10. Worzel Gummidge.

I would introduce him to the Oz Scarecrow.  They could debate which one was outstanding in his field, which of them was just a stuffed shirt, who couldn’t keep it in his pants, and how to get a good roll in the hay.

Make Book On Humor

Subject: Muslim Bookstore

So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore.

The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me.

I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

***

This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly,  “As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because my mum said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World.”

***

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”

***

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.”

“Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

Birthday Fibbing Friday

I paddled up the canal to Pensitivity101’s house, skillfully passing narrow-boats in my Kevlar inflatable kayak.  When I drew near, I heard her talking about musical reasons for more lies.  She wanted to know:  Who sang these?

1. Money, Money, Money
   

A duet between Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, recorded at the Scrooge McDuck Studio.
2.   Another Brick in the Wall

Donald Trump, but he never even got the wall started.  Apparently, the Mexicans couldn’t get financing, even with him co-signing.
3.   Rocket Man

Elon Musk
4.   Everybody wants to rule the world

Vladimir Putin
5.   Life on Mars

The NASA Philharmonic and Choir
6.   Monster Mash

Gordon Ramsay
7.   Tiptoe through the Tulips

The City By-law Enforcement Officer who had to put up all the signs in the park that read:

All dogs must be on a leash!
Owners must pick up after their dogs!
Fine $75

8. I wanna hold your hand

Every Black guy, stopped by a white, American cop.  It’s better than him holding your neck for eight minutes, with his knee
9.   Ruby Tuesday

Glinda the Good Witch’s younger cousin, Myrna The Mediocre Witch of the Flea Market.  She was the one who sold the fancy red shoes to Dorothy.
10. Get the Party Started.

In Canada, it was Teresa May, the optimistic head of the Green One-Trick-Pony  One-Seat-Party, but you may have her ilk where you live, idealistic, but ultimately useless.