I hope, by the time I publish this, that the gunfire has died down, the fires are out, the smoke has cleared, all the Biden inauguration rioters protesters have been arrested, and Nancy Pelosi’s lectern has been returned – again.
This polar expedition into American politics is brought to you by the words
Flavorless, tiresome, prosaic
Lacking ideas or intelligence, empty, stupid, inane
Boastful or vain, ostentatious
I borrowed them from the Kardshians, to give to Donald (Here’s your hat – What’s your hurry) Trump, as a going away present. Twenty years of Keeping Up With them produced less damage to the American culture than four years with him. He didn’t even have enough class to attend his own going-away party, but snuck away to Mar-a-Lago, like the phoney Wizard of Oz behind the curtain. He would not accept the inevitable, and step aside with grace and dignity. How a man plays the game says a lot about his character, but how he loses says it all.
I wonder who wound him up and set him loose on the unsuspecting public. Perhaps he is a self-made megalomaniac. At least when George W. Bush’s lips moved, you could see Dick Cheney’s hand stuck up his ass.
Speaking of an ass…. There’s another word I’d like to pin on this donkey as hee-haw sulks off into the sunset.
He is so full of ego – and other substances – that he really thinks that the entire American population idolizes him. He truly believes that someone – somehow – stole the election, and the second term, from him. He has loyalty only to himself. Anyone of his political confederates who fails to completely and immediately agree with him, gets tossed under the bus. In fact, he’ll drive the bus. We couldn’t hear it, inside the White House, but he brought his trademarked phrase – You’re Fired – with him. He ruined more political careers than compulsory lie-detector tests.
Words beginning with the letter V are not much more common than X, Y, or Z. I’ve used so many to roast Trump with, that next year, we may have to drop in at The Stag Shop, and purchase a Vibrator. 😉
Twice, last summer and fall, our two new Scottie Terrors Terriers came back into the house at night, smelling of skunk (….only, not). They didn’t get sprayed, but were nearby when it happened. A quick bath for each of them and their collars, and everyone slept peacefully.
Everybody knows what a skunk looks like, and what one smells like. The odor is sharp, acrid, bitter, nasty. This smell was none of those; it had more like a ‘husband crawling into bed, after a baked bean dinner’ stench – almost a sweetish tinge to it.
After the second occurrence, I was in the back yard, picking up what dogs put down and – What’s this?? A chunk of dried hide, as big as my hand, with black and white fur on it…. and over there, a second piece, just as big,,,, and yet a third piece, half as big.
The wife insisted that her little angels wouldn’t eat a skunk, and we found no bones, but I don’t see any cat-sized animal losing that much skin, and surviving. It’s a pity, too! Skunks will eat rats, and garden slugs. As the snow began to fall, I noticed cat-prints in it, across my driveway, up my front walk, across in front of my porch, and disappearing, because the house kept the nearby snow melted. Probably a cat that a neighbor allows to roam.
As winter progressed, and the snow piled up nearer the house, I realized that these ‘cat-prints’ led to a hole under my concrete porch. 😯 Uh-oh! This can’t be good! My resident skunk was no fool. It roamed both my neighbors’ yards, usually keeping 8-foot wooden fences between it and the too-often yappy dogs.
Skunks are nocturnal. I flicked on the light, and opened the front door one night at 4 AM, to retrieve my ‘morning’ newspaper, and there, six feet away, was the skunk! I quickly and quietly closed the door. The wife went out for a coffee date with an ex-co-worker. Just as the women returned at 3 PM, the “nocturnal” skunk retraced that earlier path, right in front of them.
They both got a good look at it. It was definitely a skunk…. only, it wasn’t marked like a ‘skunk’, and it didn’t move in that hoppy, undulating way that skunks move. When she got in and settled, the wife grabbed her laptop, and researched “Skunks.”
Has no natural habitat, only un-natural, like its own imagination, and Ego-sphere
This is the American Mac-and Cheese-Head skunk. It is continually raising a big stink, but it’s usually restricted to the Washington DC, or Mar-a-Lago areas.
Apparently, there are 12 kinds of skunks, several of which can exist where I live. It couldn’t be a European Polecat. At first we thought that it might be an Eastern Spotted Skunk that we’d spotted. More careful study revealed that it is most likely a Hooded Skunk.
This explains the difference in the smell of the spray. More recently, I opened the front door again at 4 AM, and heard squeaking and squealing beneath my porch. Either it was complaining about the new Wi-Fi password I’d installed, or I have a female, raising a litter. 👿 It’s gonna be an interesting spring. Besides a husband who likes spicy burritos, 🌯 what do you have that creates a stench where you live?
….But I can stretch it over Toronto’s CN Tower. Here’s a chance for you to do the same. Take the following list of questions, and provide interesting, entertaining and informative answers which might have people questioning your sanity, as well as your veracity.
What is the difference between a gooseberry and a grape?
A gooseberry is like a grape, but with a bad case of mold. Cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny, but if you swallow a gooseberry whole, it will tickle your palate all the way to the bottom.
What is meant by skid row?
That’s what happens when I don’t change my underwear every day. One little brown stain in my BVDs, on laundry day, is forgivable, but when there’s a whole line of them, the wife says that I am going to involuntarily take that ‘Eat A Tide Pod Challenge.’
Why do elephants have big ears?
The better to hear you with, my dear Red Riding Hood. I am the elephant in the room. You should just put down the basket of bananas that you brought, and leave quickly, before you get stepped on. Don’t worry about making it back home safely, through the deep, dark woods. There was a pervert, transvestite wolf here when I arrived, all dressed up in one of Granny’s nighties, but I didn’t see him, and accidently sat on him. FYI: Granny’s gonna need a new bed too. Sorry!
What is green and travels at thousands of miles an hour?
The Canadian Federal Liberal eco-energy plan. Cover up five acres of soya-beans with ugly solar panels. Generate electricity at 12.3¢/Kwh. Sell it to the Americans for 3.8¢/Kwh. Put huge, ugly wind turbines in dairy pastures. Reduce milk production and farmers’ income by 20%. Generate electricity at 11.7¢/Kwh. Sell it to the Americans for 3.8¢/Kwh. Continue until the country is bankrupt, or the infrastructure has collapsed.
What is the difference between minimum and maximum?
I thought a mini-mum was a young, sexy female parent, with a high hem, and a maxi-mum was an older, more sedate one. The difference between minimum and maximum is actually a very fine line that either of them might cross on a 4-hour drive to a vacation campsite, with two young kids in the backseat. Are we there yet? I gotta wee! How long have we been driving? Bobby’s lookin’ at me! I gotta go poo-poo! Billy shoved me! Do cows have batteries? I went poo-poo in my pants. You don’t mind if I practice my soccer kick on your seat, do-ya? Drive faster honey. Risk a speeding ticket! If we’re not there in five minutes, I’m gonna bury one or both of them behind a big cedar tree.
What is a pantry?
It’s not spelled right, but this is a pan-tree – with a cooking utensil hanging from every branch.
What is a carnivore?
I am a carnivore, whenever the carnival comes to town. The rides are fun, but I head straight for the food lane – hot-dogs, hamburgers, French fries, caramel corn – are all okay, but they have Deep-Fried everything – corn dogs, cheese, ice cream, Mars bars. I walked past one booth, and the sign just said ‘FRIED’. I asked the guy, “Fried what?” “Nothing,” Just a big catcher’s mitt of fried dough, like John Pinette’s beavertails. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6y0GhNFcY6k I had two, with cinnamon and powdered sugar coating, and some Maple syrup.
What is another word for oriental?
I officially admit defeat! I can’t think of a serious, or humorous, way to define “Oriental” in a single word. I am just waiting to see what other people do with the prompt. I could do a bit about Orientals’ North American driving looking like they learned to pilot vehicles with rickshaws in Tokyo, or tuk-tuks in Indonesia.
I could riff on their hive-mind, and the likelihood of them ignoring American social patterns to get a great education, and a 6- or 7-figure job, but I don’t want to be counter-cultured, or even doxxed, by a squad of #YellowLivesMatter ninjas.
What is the difference between pussy willow and catkins?
This is FHRITPGrab Her By The Pussy-willow Trump,
and these are my cat-kins.
What is a felony?
I’m not sure, but if a person who commits burglary is a burglar, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron. It is a great irony that, as God has created us, everything that we like, enjoy, desire, strive for – is bad for us. W.C.Fields said that everything he liked was illegal, immoral or fattening. Salt, that makes things taste good? – causes heart problems. Sugar, in candies and yummy do-nuts – rots teeth and causes obesity. Smoking ruins lungs.
Alcohol ruins marriages, friendships, and livers. Drugs…. Don’t get me started! I can barely handle reality. I don’t know why anyone would want to do drugs. Sex – causes abortions, STDs, bar fights, battered wives and divorces, but we keep striving for them all. Is resisting temptation supposed to be good for us??! Why couldn’t He just create us, already loving broccoli, liver, and Disney movies?
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen.”
(This means: “Glad to meet you! Don’t drink the water. The cows have shat in it.”)
The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Trump’s Presidential run. I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”
The rancher replied: “Use both hands.”
tRump suffers from liabetes
A couple were going to go on a vacation down South, but the wife had an emergency at her office. So they agreed that the husband would go as planned, and his wife would fly down and meet him at the hotel the next day.
When the husband got to the hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he’d got there OK.
As he typed in her email address, he made a typo and his message was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife instead. It just so happened that her husband had sadly died the day before.
When the grieving old preacher’s wife checked her emails, she read the one from the vacationer, let out a piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.
At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:
Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.
Two cows are standing in a field.
The first cow says to the second, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”.
The second cow replies, “Good thing I‘m a helicopter.”
So all the animals all gathered and were having a party,
Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time, suddenly a chameleon goes to the middle of the room, says, “Check this out” and starts changing color of his skin for a minute straight.
Once he’s done he says, “Let’s see any of you do the same”.
Suddenly an octopus appears from the crowd and says: “Hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road, or whether the road moved under the chicken, depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There was already a chicken on this side of the road.
A beginner’s guide to physics
Relativity: When the family gets together Black holes: What you get in black socks Critical mass: A big group of film reviewers
Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore
“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title If I Were a Millionaire.” Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
malaphor – Is also called an idiom blend. Most of us have heard one or two. Many of us have created one. It happens when the mind is so busy putting together a sentence that we mash together two idioms, to produce an amusing-sounding result.
Recently, a lady blogger said, “I’m slipping on my words.” This is a mixture of, slip of the tongue and tripping over one’s words. The cube-drone who invented, “trial by error,” was having trouble justifying his project’s expenses, and combined his two trials, trial and error, and trial by fire.
The guy who was angry at a tRump apologist showed restraint, but invented, “biting my teeth” by melding biting my tongue, and baring my teeth (in anger). Biting your teeth is as hard as biting the back of your neck, or biting your elbow – although, a recent online poll asked if I could lick my elbow – which makes me suspect that some Ubangis can do it.
An advertising executive said that he had to “pull the bullet”, because he was forced to bite the bullet and pull some strings, to get assistance from senior management. ….Speaking of pulling some strings – a television comedian told an interviewer that he had “pulled out all the strings” on his recent special, mixing the pulling strings (to get the best production,) and pulling out all the stops on an old organ, to get the grandest performance from it.
I’m usually only confused with one thing at a time. Have you created or heard some other malaphors?? 😕
Battered, bruised and bleeding, the Christian Apologist scuttles forward. Desperate to level the debate playing field, and to achieve some validation, relevance and equivalency for his arguments, he claims, ‘Atheism Is A Religion.’
No it’s not! How dumb do you come??! The only reason that any two Atheists share a world-view, is that there are more Atheists than there are basic world-views.
Waaah! Atheists claim to be intellectual and logical, but they’re using emotion-based ridicule against Christians. (That emotion-based belief stuff should be reserved for the Christians.)
If you’d accept fact-based evidence, instead of dismissing it out of hand, we wouldn’t have to. We’re merely fighting fire with fire – or in this case, mud-slinging and name-calling. We know that you’re busy, campaigning for Trump. Atheism is only the lack of belief in God, or gods.
Frantic to have ANY handle to hang an argument on, the Apologist grasps at the word, ‘only.’ “Atheism must be more than ONLY! Atheists believe in Science. Atheists accept the Theory of Evolution. Atheists claim that they have morals, and that they are ‘Good Without God.’ It must, somehow, be more than only.”
Hold on, cowboy. Climb down off your hobby-horse. One thing at a time!
What do you do for a living? Truck-driver? Are you only a truck-driver??! For example, you’re not a truck-driver and a guitar player – or a Jeopardy! fan? Do you have to be a Christian to be a trucker? Are all truckers Christians? Do all truckers hate faggots? Do all truckers feel that a wall should be built, to keep illegal aliens out? Are only truckers moral?
You can be Only about one issue, but still be very involved in many others, some of which are only vaguely connected to the one under consideration. Some Atheists believe in evolution. Some don’t. Some Christians believe in evolution. Some don’t. Some Atheists trust science. Some don’t. Some Christians trust science. Some don’t. Many Atheists are highly moral. A disappointing number of Christians aren’t.
Prove that Atheism is true.
There is so much semantic, social, emotional and Theistic baggage attached to that challenge, that I’m surprised the writer didn’t throw his back out, just wrestling it onto the screen. In attempting to prove equivalence, this Christian apparently thinks that Atheism has similar many and magnificent claims and beliefs that his religion does.
Compared to say, Christianity, the footprint of Atheism is small. It is only the lack of belief in the existence of God. On a personal basis, my Atheism is the rejection of all your bullshit claims. What do I believe? I believe that you are deluded and desperate. The mere fact that I write that, and make that statement, makesmy Atheism true.
Many Apologists get so intense at winning theargument – at trying to prove Atheists wrong – that they forget what the original point of discussion was. DOES GOD EXIST, OR NOT??! Can you prove it? Even if, tomorrow, we found that everything that we think we know about The Big Bang and Evolution is wrong, (And, with the mountain of scientific results we have, that is vanishingly unlikely.) it still doesn’t justify a claim that God did it. One thing at a time.
Through luck, and association with a particular social group, the man who purchased the book, later got to actually meet the great man, Stephen Hawking himself. He informed him that he had bought and read the book. Largely through Hawking’s handler, the man who guided his wheelchair and who had learned to interpret his minuscule movements, he was asked what he thought of the book.
He replied that he had not understood a word of it. Well…. He got words like a, to, at, the, and, but the rest were over his head like an umbrella. Hawking was surprisingly pleased by this, because it proved that the man had actually read it, even if he didn’t get it.
I tried to get a copy of this book from the library thirty years ago, when it was first published, but it was too popular, and I finally gave up. Recently I thought I’d have another go at it. Hawking’s writing style is pleasantly clear and easy. He claimed that he wanted to provide this information for the ordinary person. Your ‘Ordinary Person’ may vary. MAGA-hat-wearing Trump supporters won’t be forming book clubs to discuss it, nor will it be a hot topic at truck stops.
Even though I’m retired, I’ve kept up my dues to the United Nerds International Union. I was a good halfway through this small (214 page) book before I had to start checking terms and concepts. After the body of the book, Hawking included 2-3 page bios on the likes of Einstein, Galileo, and Newton, to show how their works and discoveries have provided the foundation for modern understanding of the universe.
For a book on time, Hawking spent the first several chapters discussing/explaining matter. Matter and Time are interwoven. You can’t have time without matter. When I was born, scientists had only recently discovered that molecules were made up of atoms. The Second World War brought us the A-Bomb – the atom bomb. A few years later, the thermonuclear hydrogen H-Bomb was produced. These showed that the atoms could be torn apart, and jammed together, made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons.
More powerful and delicate devices, like the CERN Collider, have shown that even these tiny building blocks are made of even tinier bits. Like strange little trouble-making Gremlins, they have names like quarks, muons, pions, mesons, leptons, tachyons, baryons, gravitons, and bosons. While they are too small to reflect light, fun-loving physicists label them as red, blue and green, and insist that they have ‘spin,’ based on how they react with each other, and reality.
Hawking eventually got around to explaining time – how it (so far) only flows in one direction, from past to future. He showed how it is subjective, and is influenced by mass, and speed of travel. I’ve run into most of these terms and concepts before, but it was nice to see them laid out so completely and clearly.
Ordinarily, with a book so nicely written and presented, I’d be recommending it, but not this one. For most of you, your only concern with time is that you arrive at work before the boss gets grumpy about your ETA. If Hawking’s successors are successful at using black holes to reverse the flow of time, you’ll never have to worry about that again.
There was a young lady from Bright
Who could travel faster than light
She set off one day
In a relative way,
And returned the previous night
This book is different – a niche market. Unless the checkout clerk down at Geeks R Us knows you by name, I suggest giving it a pass. Don’t pass up the chance to read my next post. It will be available in no time at all.