Egging The Dog On

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma – then it hit me.”

***

Two dogs are trotting down a city street, when they discover a row of parking meters, newly installed on their favorite section of sidewalk.  “Look at that!” one dog says to the other, “Pay toilets!”

I took my dog to a bonfire recently.  I was enjoying myself, but my dog seemed depressed.  Suddenly he started howling and I realized why.  We were burning all his toys.

***

I’m not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

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“You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.

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I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 PM or so.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

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Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming; I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

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I gave all my dead batteries away today … free of charge.

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The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical – and whatever you do, don’t try to figure out Who is Who.

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I just ordered a life alert bracelet so that if I ever get a life I’ll be notified immediately

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To the guy who invented “zero” … Thanks for nothing.

___

The Disappointment Club is pleased to announce that the Friday meeting is cancelled.

***

Stoner thoughts are highdeas.

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When telephones were tied with a wire – Humans were free

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Self-esteem is the feeling which makes us attribute our failures to bad luck, and our successes to good judgment.

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I was looking for that thingy that peels potatoes and carrots.  I asked the kids if they’d seen it.
Apparently she left me a week ago.

***

A blonde adopted two dogs, and named them Timex and Rolex.
Her friend asked her how she came up with the names.
She replied, “They’re both watch dogs.”

***

Two wind turbines were in a field.
One asks, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other replies, “Well, I’m a big metal fan.”

***

Doctor; I’m afraid your condition is fairly advanced.
Patient; It was in its early stages when I first sat down in your waiting room.

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How does my doctor expect me to lose weight, when every medication he prescribes says, ‘Take with food.’

***

Me: Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.
Doctor: Sit there and don’t stir.

Flash Fiction #204

PHOTO PROMPT © Na’ama Yehuda

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

Shuffle, shuffle, wait. Shuffle, slosh, wait. Slosh, splash, wait.

Rain is running down the back of my neck. I think there’s a hole in my boot.

Unless you’re the lead sled-dog, the view never changes, just a line of assholes in front of you.

“What Honey? Oh, I was just listening to Alanis Morisette singing her first hit, on my iPod. Haven’t heard that in a while. Remind me again, why are we standing in line in the rain, waiting to get into a Kohl’s? They’re giving away free Knirps umbrellas to the first 50 shoppers??! Now, isn’t that ironic?”

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

***

Click above, if you’re enough of a masochist to want to hear her sing the only song about irony – that isn’t.

Flash Fiction #95

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot

RATS! CURSES!

“The moon is made of green cheese. Pass it on.”

“What??!”

“Don’t mind me. That’s just something I say, to pass time while I’m stuck in a line.  Sometimes people ‘get it’, and pass it on.  I hate being in long lines.  We’re just like those birds, only without a guiding wire, or a string of elephants, each holding the tail of the one in front.”

“Don’t you touch my tail buddy!”

“Well, the wait is worth it. I look forward to my morning Starbucks latté.”

“Starbucks??! That’s that line mister.  This line is for Justin Bieber concert tickets.”

Aargh!!!

***

Got to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

 

Flash Fiction # 16

If The Shoe Fits

“I want you to take me out shopping.  I need a new pair of shoes for Susan’s daughter’s wedding.”

“More shoes??!  Imelda Marcos used to borrow from you.” was the first thing he thought – not the first thing he said.  That was, “Yes, dear.”

Perhaps the comment he made after the fourth – or was it the fifth? – shop, wasn’t entirely enthusiastic.  She’d become a bit curt.

“Fine then, you don’t have to come in.  Just wait for me here.  I won’t be long.”

Right….he’d just glimpsed The Count of Monte Cristo in the mirror, all long straggly beard and hair.

 

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday picture as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.