Call Screening One-Liners

Can I call you back….
….in a few beers?

There are two ingredients in trail mix….
….M&Ms – and disappointment.

I’m getting WAYYY too comfortable….
….looking this ugly all the time.

Follows diet.  Diet doesn’t follow back….
….Unfollow diet.

Vegans, if you’re trying to save the animals….
….stop eating their food.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but….
….if it runs out, I’ll drink the red.

Your debt will stay with you….
….if you can’t budge it.

My new stair-lift….
….is driving me up the wall.

I prefer my kale….
….with a silent K.

If the world didn’t suck….
….we’d all fall off.

He who laughs last….
….didn’t get it.

Forklift operators hate my puns….
….They find them unpalletable.

Procrastination is a dish….
….served eventually

When I get a headache, I take two aspirins….
….and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

Your call is important to us….
….so here’s a 40 minute flute solo

I heard the word “icy” is easy to spell….
….Looking at it now, I see why.

I just can’t handle….
….automatic doors.

I once worked in a cheap pizza joint to get by….
….I kneaded the dough.

If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed….
….If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Why don’t you ever see the headline….
….Psychic wins lottery?

Reading can seriously damage….
….your ignorance.

’22 A To Z Challenge – V

HUSBAND-SPEAK – or – LONG-MARRIED-LANGUAGE
How to say a lot, without saying anything

What do you want for supper?HMmmh?
Archon, I’m talking to you!  Are you paying attention??!Uh-Huh!
Shall I make Mac-and-Cheese?Unh-Unh.
What about liver and onions? –Ggcck!!
How about some potato pancakes?OOOyum!
We got our credit card statement today.  We owe $1200 this month. Oooff!
My sister called.  She’s coming to visit, Sunday. – Tthththbbh.

She says you should get your ass off the couch, and get more exercise. – Humph!

And now, some words about words that aren’t actually words.  They are

VOCABLES

any word, either written or spoken, regarded simply as a sequence of letters or spoken sounds, irrespective of its meaning – like Tabernacle – pronounced Tabber-nack – Which French-Canadians use as profanity.  Or Sapristi – which is used as an expression of surprise, or a meaningless intensifier.

a vocal sound intended to carry meaning;

I know how to keep my mouth shut.  I almost starved to death one time.  Wouldn’t tell my parents that I was hungry.  Never again!!  I better not keep this up, or I’ll end up saying nothing about everything.  The only things quieter would be a nod, or a head-shake, but you’d still hear the marbles rattle, and perhaps a few fall out.

Don’t slip on any when you come back on Wednesday for a bonus comedy post.   😆

Bagged Fibbing Friday

Here we go then, with Pensitivity101’s mixed bag from last week……….

  1. What is boisterous?

That’s a group of young males having fun.  They can be loud.  They often shout and yell.  It’s the opposite of gurlsterous, where young females play together.  They screech and squeal in such high tones that neighbourhood dogs have their paws over their ears.

2. What is a womaniser?

That is Cerberus, the modern, three-headed Hellhound consisting of Woke society, and Presentism, aided and abetted by years of eating and drinking food from plastic containers, which leech out pseudo-estrogen, all contributing to Real Men becoming simpering wimps.

3. What is a faux pas?

It’s the front foot of the quick, red vulpine animal that jumped over the lazy, brown dog, which the nobility chase with horses – the unspeakable, pursuing the inedible.

4. Define plumber

A crack addict.

5. What is a sous-chef?

(S)He is a high-class victuals preparation expert, who does so using copious amounts of wine and various liqueurs.  Sometimes, they even put some in the food.

6. What is antisocial?

She is my Father’s younger sister, after she’s imbibed 5 or 6 Medicinal toddies.’

7. Why did they call the wind Maria?

How do you solve a problem named Maria?  I thought they called the wind Mariah, but what do I know about music??  I can’t Carey a tune in a bucket.

8. Where would you find a kettle drum?

Underneath the big corn popper at the movie theater, or county fair.

9. What is a kango drill?

It is an Australian Military Band marching maneuver.

10. What makes bread rise?

Inflation!  😳  And petrol, and rent, and….

Give Us Barabbas

Beneath my What If? What If? What If? post, Barabbas himself became an Apologist For Jesus, and left this extended comment.

Allow me to apologize for my brothers. I believe God gives every person a choice to believe or not. I’m not responsible for your choice and though it saddens me, I must respect your choice. May God meet you where you are and draw you to Himself “with chords of kindness” not clever or manipulative arguments or threats of eternal punishment. Have a wonderful day and again, I apologize for my fellow Christians that may have pushed too hard and far without respecting your freedom. – Barabbas

One:  Do not apologize for others.  It only highlights their misdeeds, mistakes, and contradictions.  It also makes both of you appear weak and needy.  Be honest.  Only apologize for your own errors.

Two:  Do not ever label my disbelief as merely a choice!  Never have I suddenly just chosen to be a petulant, rebellious asshole.  My Atheism is as fundamentally part of my being as my gorgeous brown eyes.  I have been an Atheist longer than you have been alive.  I got that way, not through choices and options, but by observing Reality as it presents itself to me.  The reality is, I see no God/gods.

Three:  A little convincing evidence of the existence of your specific God, and that you are somehow privy to what He/She/It/They will and will not do, would be a lot more useful than your vaguely-expressed wish and hope that someday – somehow – your Reality-impaired pet entity, will finally show up to see me, and validate all your unproven assumptions.

There was a reason that saccharine was banned.  Your ‘all sweetness and light and love and kindness’ delivery is, perhaps, a little less grating than those Apologists who promise me Hell and eternal damnation if I don’t agree with them.  At least they have the courage of their convictions, and are not afraid to express them.  Yours is cloying, and sickly sweet.  I feel religious diabetes developing.

Four:  Are you in the church choir, or should the line read, “with cords of kindness”?  You promised me no tricks or threats, but that sounds suspiciously like church BDSM – a little God bondage.  😳

Five:  You must lead a sheltered life, if you think that Mr. Torpedo-Victim did more than ruffle my hair.  I have engaged with Bible-thumpers who would have him for breakfast.  I feared none of them on a philosophy and logic basis.  The only reason I have hung back from some, is the modern, technological concern about flaming, hacking and doxxing.  Some of those good, loving, Christians quickly forget that ‘turn the other cheek’ command, when their beliefs are refuted.

Online Christian debaters give me as much freedom as I give them.  I allow them every opportunity to make foolish, irrational claims, and they let me point out the errors in their arguments, and make fun of their presentations.  See, everybody has fun.  👿

O No – O Not

 

Once upon a time, in olden Greece, there lived two little vowels, almost identical twins.

Recently, I was watching videos…. Perhaps on a site I shouldn’t have been at.  😳

Attention!  Your computer has notified us that it has been infected by a very contagious virus.  You have been locked out so that we can contain it.  Please call the toll-free number listed below so that we can erase it and prevent further infection.  Failure to do so can result in a permanent shutdown, and loss of files and data.

Not that I’ve ever received such a notice.  😉

I watched a young man talking about realizing something about these two Greek vowels.  In English, there is only one letter ‘O,’ but it is pronounced in two ways.  There is the long O, like in the word No, and the short O, like in the word Not.

In Greek, there are two Os – Omega, and Omicron.  He had just become conscious of the fact that – the long O, the big O – was Omega, and the short O, the small O – was Omicron.  It’s so blindingly obvious…. after someone points it out to you.

He looked so familiar.  Who was this young man taking so much delight to explain such a minuscule linguistic detail about a foreign language, with such fervor?  My old eyes aren’t what they used to be, but I’m pretty sure it was me.

My next post, on the rapid increase of initialisms, will all be in English, despite the fact that there really is no such language.  FYI, LOL, LMAO, ROFL, FWIW, IDK, LY, TTYL.

Sharing My World

Standing in for Melanie, pensitivity101 has sponsored a post, urging us to “Share Your World.”  Since I’m a selfish old bugger, I refused, and changed the title.  Always on the lookout for a good blog-theme, and being garrulous, loquacious, vociferous, talkative, voluble, gabby, thesaurus, and repetitive, I’ve decided to bare all.

Here are this week’s questions:
1.  Do you have family photographs on display in your main living room?

Yes, we do, finally. For years the living room walls have been adorned only with prints of artists’ originals, including one by a friend/artist, who turned it into a Remarque by painting an extension of a flowering Magnolia branch, out onto the matte.

The family pictures, including a water-color of the daughter, spinning yarn, begin at the half-landing, and extend up the stairway wall toward the bedrooms.  It looks like the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Gallery, caught in a stiff breeze.

Having run out of upwardly-mobile vertical space, the recent birth of the Great-grandson required finding space in the living room to hang a photo of Mr. Blue Eyes on one wall, and a montage of him and his parents, printed on fabric at Staples, on another.

2. What was the best vehicle you owned?
This could be a pushbike as a kid, your first car, a motorcycle, or something else.

I would be hard-pressed to pick any of the vehicles we’ve owned, as a Favorite. Each has been what we needed at the time. We started with a couple of sedans.  As the children grew, we graduated to a station wagon.  As we became more rotund, numerous and arthritic, we’ve moved up to an easier entry, 7-passenger sport-ute.

Automobiles are sedate and functional.  For cheaper, easier, more fun and freedom transportation, I owned 5 Jap-crap, rice-burner motorcycles, over 20+ years.  If I were forced to pick, I would probably choose the last – a Corvette blue-on-blue, Honda CB750K

3. Did you pass your driving test first time?

I did! I had to choose between two cities with examination centers, each 25 miles away from my home town. One possessed steep hills, and examiners known to reach over and turn off the ignition half-way up, to see how you coped.  I picked the flatland one.

I took the test in a left-hand drive Vauxhall, exported to Canada.  I lost four points, not once, but twice, for failing to gear down the manual transmission for turns, and lugging the engine.  I needed 90% to pass and ended with 92%.

4. Does loud music from a neighbor or passing cars annoy you?

Thank an un-named (and possibly imaginary) deity for allergies and air-conditioning. We remain inside mostly, with the windows closed. Our nearest neighbors are quiet, and those who play music while they’re on their decks, do so at reasonable volumes.  The son works all night, and tries to sleep all day.

Idiots in cars, with their radios jacked up to 11, puzzle me, but usually don’t anger me.  At a light, some fool rolls up beside me.  My windows are up.  His windows are up, and I can still hear his stereo blasting and the bass just a-thumpin’.  I think it’s like buying a hot-damn car as a penis substitute.  They’re compensating.  And it’s often some young white dude, blaring Black rap.

Gratitude:
What has made you smile over the last seven days?


Grumpy Archon is getting soft and mushy in his old age.

“Happy/Smile” is not the same as gratitude.  Despite claiming to be grumpy, I am easily pleased.  Mining humor sites for future blog-post jokes, and interacting with fellow bloggers keeps me happy and smiling.  I am grateful that, even as I have reached the age of 78, I still remain reasonably strong and healthy.  I much prefer seeing the green side of the sod.  If that changes, I’ll let you know.

Socialized Humor

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. “Help me, I’ve been mugged and viciously beaten” he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: “You know the person that did this really needs help.”

***

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn’t receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: “Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office.”

***

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.”

***

A classic is a book that everyone wants to have read, but nobody wants to read.

***

Hamish Farquarson the 3rd of Old Lothian died and left his wife £50,000 with the instructions

‘’Spend it on a lavish funeral and a memorial stone’’

At the wake the wife’s sister asked how much of the money she had spent.

‘’All of it’’ replied the wife…’’Just like he instructed, ’£10k on the funeral and wake and £40k on the memorial stone’’

‘’Blimey’’ replied the wife’s sister….’’£40k – how big is it’’?

‘’Oooh, about 7.5 carats’’ replied the wife

***

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many per day?
Man: Three.
Woman: How much do you pay for the beer?
Man: About $5 each, including tip.
Woman: How long have you been drinking?
Man: About twenty years.
Woman: Three beers a day equates to $450 per month, or $5400 per year.  In twenty years, that totals $108,000.
Man: Sounds about right.
Woman: Do you know that if you had put that money in a bank account, after interest, you would have had enough to buy an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your fucking airplane?

🙄

First And Ten Fibbing Friday

Here I go with Pensitivity101’s first ten (in the second week) of 2023:

1. Aurora Borealis is also known as

Ashley Carbonera, but only by people who knew her before she became a famous porn star.

  1. Who was Farouk Balsara?

He was a Syrian refugee who sneaked into the UK by floating across the English Channel on a raft he built, using plans he got off the internet from some Colombian who floated into the USA.

  1. Chasing Cars is by which group?

The Stray Dogs, before they changed the name of the group to The Stray Cats.

  1. What is Detritus?

That was Baskin & Robbins 32th flavor of ice cream.

  1. Eggplant is also known as

The colour of Elton John’s favorite pair of shoes.

  1. Who is Filbert Fox?

He is/was the best friend of Gilbert Grape, in the movie adaptation of his life story.

  1. Gentoo is a what?

The family who run my local “Curry In A Hurry” outlet.  😳  I stop there every time after my mandatory sensitivity training sessions.

  1. Rutabaga is also called

A Swede, by many Brits, until Sweden found out about it, and threatened to stop exporting Volvos, Saabs, and replacement mobile phone parts to England, unless it stops.  The Scots also have a derogatory term for Swedes, but no-one can understand what they’re saying, so the Swedes just assume they’re drunk – as usual.

  1. What is IPlayer?

He’s the thoroughly-modern male who relies on his electronics to get lucky in love.  He has swiped right so many times, the notches on his bedpost are threatening to collapse it in mid-tryst.  Ooh, kinky!

  1. Jambo is a greeting in which language?

India Elephant – in African elephant, it’s Tantor.

’22 A To Z Challenge – U

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What word or phrase – beginning with the letter U – will I choose as a theme, this time?

As the singer, Tom Jones says, It’s Not Unusual.  But then, can you really trust a man who was willing to lop off his last name, to take advantage of a movie presentation of an old, smutty novel, to help kick-start his career??  😕

Words in the dictionary, beginning with the letters X, Y, or Z, are not terribly plentiful.  Words beginning with U, seem a bit more abundant – until you realize that most of them are un-something – the negatives of a bunch of positive words.

I am willing – I positively revel – to be G.O.D. – the Grumpy Old Dude blogger, grumbling about this and that.  But I don’t want the entire, overarching theme of my website, to be negative.  I don’t mind bitching about certain foibles of society, but overall, I want it to be

UPBEAT

A musical term which has come to mean; optimistic, cheerful, happy

I am positive that Donald Trump, and many other politicians, are total, and complete ASSHOLES!  Perhaps we should try to choose political leaders who are UN-assholes….  Are there any??!  😳  Maybe we could issue a UKASEedict, order, directive, ruling, decree, fiat, proclamation, that no assholes are allowed.  Now that would be positive!

On my way out, I’d like to introduce you to my new, non-sequitur pet, an

URUBU

A Portuguese, vulture-like turkey buzzard.  Handsome little devil, isn’t he??!  😉

Flash Fiction #292

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot

AN ESSAY: BY ARCHON

My writing method – Teacher says to get marks, I have to make a story outline, then fill it in.
Doesn’t work.  I leave a space at the top, write the story, then build the outline.

I just open the mental floodgates and let the concepts spill out.  I take an idea from here, a pun from there, stitch it together like Frankenstein’s monster, and hope that creative lightning will weld it together into a coherent story.  Sometimes I win.  Sometimes you lose.  Then I use my patented,© push-broom, accurate, re-filing, storage system, ready for next time.

***

If you’d like to join the fun, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.