Twenty Sick Fibbing Fridays

Pensitivity101 was having a yard sale, to get rid of some of the old cheap crap cherished items from the narrow-boat.  I spotted this list, and paid her tuppence, thruppence, ha’penney for all residual creative rights.

1. What makes a hyena laugh?

He has read a bunch of these Fibbing Friday posts, and gets quite a chuckle out of all the lion that’s going on.
2. What is Mrs. Claus’ Christian name?

She has no ‘Christian’ name, because she is not a Christian.  She is a Norse Wiccan, who received her true name, which should never be revealed because it gives others power over you, from her head priestess.  Santa is in charge of distribution.  His Missus is in charge of production.  He calls her Elvis, because she keeps all the elves in line, and they bow or salute, and call her SIR.
3. What did little Jack Horner pull out of his pie?

Pieces of pepperoni and hot Italian sausage, a small container of jalapeno-cheddar dipping sauce, and a coupon for $1.00 off his next Domino’s pizza.
4. Where will you find the brightest star?

I’m not sure, but it won’t be anyone over at the Oh, Kardashian Corral.  If you add all their IQs together, you still wouldn’t get a bra or butt size.
5. Which is the odd one out: feather, light, middle, heavy, dead?

Let’s see….  Letter count is 4, 5, 6, 6, and 7.  Four of them are adjectives, while ‘feather’ is a noun – or a verb.  I know!  These are the names of the most recent types of neutrinos, found at the CERN atom-smasher.  They go along with the up, charm, top, down, strange, bottom types already catalogued.  Either that, or the odd one out is the person who composed this list.
6. What makes gas?

Kwicherbichin!  I told you that I would cut back on the burritos.  Honestly!  This is the Internet, not smellovision.
7. Why do ants march?

To get to April, May and June.
8. What is a gaffer?

This little gaffer is my Great-Grandson, the fastest land animal on Earth – a toddler who has been asked what’s in his mouth – now that he has learned to walk.  He’s wearing a gansey sweater that his Gigi (G. G. = Great-Grandmother) knit for him.  Gansey began as Guernsey, because the style was supposed to have originated on that Channel Island.
9. What is a polygon?

That’s a lost parrot.
10. Why have all my questions begun with the letter ‘W’?

Because it sounds a little more erudite and intellectual than starting with, “How come….”

Now that the odor of mothballs has dissipated, I’ll dismiss the charge of attempted assault on frivolity, and return soon with something truthier.

Marriage Can Be Humorous

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.  I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”  “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.  “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”  She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

***

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City.  He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B. With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?  He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted. “Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.” Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?” The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.” He mused on that information for a minute and said: “Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?” “A Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”

***

The wife crashed the car today – again.  She told the police that the guy she ran into was on his cellphone, and drinking a beer.
The police told her that he can do whatever he wants in his own living-room.

***

The COVID conspiracy-theory nuts insist that the Government is trying to inject nano-bots into us to track and trace all of us.

The government has denied this.  They say that they would never do that to law-abiding citizens.  They know who the trouble-makers are by their phone conversations and Internet browser histories and credit card histories and the satellite imagery of their houses, and data extracted from their birth records, passports, immigration and emigration records; so rest assured, they have identified who not to track. They only track all the other poor fools.

***

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies’ Night Club.  One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a ten-dollar bill.  When the male dancer came over to us, she licked the bill, and stuck it to one of his ass cheeks.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a twenty-dollar bill.  She called the guy back, licked the twenty, and stuck it to the other butt cheek.  In another attempt to impress the rest of us, a third friend whipped out a $50 bill, called the dancer back, and licked the bill.  I was worried about the way things were going, but she just stuck it to one of his butt-cheeks.  My relief was short-lived.

Seeing how things were going, the guy gyrated over to me.  Now all the attention was on me, and the guy was egging me on to top the $50.  My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet!!?  What could I do?

The woman in me took over.  I took out my debit card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home.

***

I worked with a guy who just irritated everyone in the shop.  Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear.  He must have suspected that he was annoying, because he asked a co-worker, “Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?”
The guy replied, “It saves time.”