Chili Cook-off

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn-Down-the-Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA!! I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yankee, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report.

If you can even see the keyboard to type a comment after that one, you’re a better man that I am, even if you’re a woman.  I would love to give credit to whoever fabricated that piece of genius, but sadly it came to me unattributed.

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18 thoughts on “Chili Cook-off

  1. lowerarchy says:

    I can smell it from here…

    Like

  2. BBOOKS - Blog Books says:

    😀

    Like

  3. whiteladyinthehood says:

    LoL. That was cute, Archon.

    Like

  4. I sympathize with poor old Frank. Taking the lid off the jar of chili powder as it passes over the bean pot in an upright position is about right for my taste. I’m gonna go look for a beer. Just reading this has my mouth burning.

    Like

  5. Pucker Up Buttercup says:

    Real Texas chili … so hot it burns you twice!

    Like

  6. Sightsnbytes says:

    nice post, I laughed at poor Frank even though I would probably be just as bad.

    Like

  7. Nicole says:

    Hilarious! I could never make it as a judge a chili cook-off. I value my stomach lining.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      You’re close enough to know some of these cooks. Good thing you know to stay away from them.

      Like

      • Nicole says:

        Definitely. If I eat chili, chances are I made itself, which I rarely do because I like using fresh beans to make it. I’m generally not a fan of Tex-Mex cuisine either… I know what authentic Mex should taste like. Don’t need Tex around to muddy it up.

        Are you familiar with the 80’s TV show Mama’s Family? Your blog posts reminded me of an episode where Mama – played by Vicki Lawrence, her uptight neighbor and daughter-in-law have a chili cook off of their own just to prove to themselves who made the better chili. In the end, Vint, her son ended up with a massive stomach ache.

        Like

  8. As a Texas resident (not by choice, but the result of corporate downsizing), this post is spot-on. The folks around here think that liquefying your intestines is a sign of accomplishment… 😉

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      There’s well-spiced, and then there’s just plain silly. I had a nephew whose pepper shaker was bigger than a grapefruit (and refilled about every week). After a fried egg, his plate was black, with a white circle in the middle. He and his GI tract may still be alive. I lost track when I moved here to Sauerkraut-ville. 😳

      Like

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