Alphabetic Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 said that it was time for an A B C.
Definitions for these words please (but your responses can start with any letter):

1. Abomasum

I just didn’t have the stomach to dream up a silly definition for this word.  It’s not like I’m some dumb cow, just delivering on demand.

2. Absquatulate

That’s the workout procedure that the wife is trying to get me to do.  My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  ”Overweight” is what hangs past my belt.

3. Amphisbaena

This is a child’s – and sometimes adults’ – unreasonable aversion to taking a bath.

4. Antimacassar

Composed mostly of wives who are not allowed to accompany their husbands to the pub, this is an action group which is trying to prevent Scottish men from making drunken fools of themselves.  😮  As if!  Might as well try to legislate that the sky is green.

5. Atingle

The wife claims that I’m not a very good DIY electrician.  Well, she’s in for a shock.

6. Bailiwick

Bailiwick is the brand name of the pail-sized citronella candles that Canadian campers use to ward of backwoods mosquitoes that are big enough to molest seagulls.

7. Bafflegab

Any of Donald Trump’s speeches or Tweets.  (Do we call them Xs now??)  Comprestand??!  Covfefe!  😮

8. Calliope

This is a stew from Kenya, which the wife discovered the recipe for. It’s delicious, but a little difficult to get the gnu meat for.

9. Cornucopia

That’s the college that the wife’s podiatrist went to.

10. Cryptozoology

This is the modern collection of the strange and weird, NFT, digital, online creatures.  You have to pay with Bitcoin, to be allowed to view them.

***

So, what are you doing for Easter??

Oh, just hangin’ around.

Peace, For A Change

The Man Who Does Not Trust Himself – Beats His Wife

The initial furor and uproar about gender reassignment, seems to have largely died off.  Just a few observations.

Men are the most likely to be present at these rantings.  From the comments – the more testosterone-infused, the more Bible-imbued, the more likely a comment, the more numerous the comments, and the more judgmental and moralistic the comments, about something which really is none of their business.

Women appear seriously under-represented at the sermonizings.  Maybe they’re just happy that there is one less dick-waving guy, and one more empathetic gal, or are smart enough to know that it really doesn’t involve them, or their religion has conditioned and controlled them not to speak up, especially in the presence of men.

Another observation – all the light and heat seems to be generated only when a male tries to become a female.  When male swimmer William Thomas wanted to become female Lia Thomas, the He-Man howls could be heard from coast to coast.  When Ellen Page decided to become Elliot Page, a male actor/performer with no discernible talent or presence….  Crickets!!

While I was ensconced in a downtown Toronto hotel when the wife was having cancer surgery, a theater down the street was crammed to the SRO signs.  I had to walk on the far side of the street because the sidewalk was jammed with people trying to attend a show titled, Pageboy.

I wondered what kind of a program was being presented, but quickly decided that it didn’t matter.  She/he/it/they could stand on the stage for an hour, and recite the entire American ZIP-code catalog, from sea A to shining Zee – from Maine to Hawaii.

These folks weren’t here for the talent or entertainment.  P. T. Barnum’s freak show had closed.  They just wanted a look at the little weirdo.  They wanted to be reassured that someone else had a life even more bizarre than theirs.    😮

Scriptural Humor

It cannot be found in the scriptures, but one story has it that upon his resurrection, the Lord appeared to a certain fisherman.

“I am Jesus – My death has saved all who do or will believe, and I am returned to show the Father’s love and power.“

“No, you’re not Jesus, so bug off, you’re scaring all the fish,” answered the old fisherman.

“I see thou are full of doubt. What would thou have me do to show who I am?“ replied the Christ.

“Walk across the river,” he tells Jesus.

So Jesus starts walking across the river. Next thing, he sinks and disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old man says to him, “There you are, see, you’re not Jesus, you can’t walk across water!“

Jesus responds, “Well, I used to be able to do it until I got these darned holes in my feet!“

***

I remembered to spring forward….
….but I think I pulled a muscle, doing it.

***

A group of Americans were touring Ireland.  One woman in the group was constantly grumbling: The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group reached the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Kissing the Blarney Stone brings good luck all your life,” the guide explained. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today, so no one can kiss it. Maybe we can return tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the cantankerous woman snapped. “We have another dull tour to attend. So, I guess we can’t kiss that silly stone.”

“Well,” the guide replied, “it’s said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll receive the same good fortune.”

“I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.

“No, ma’am,” the exasperated guide responded, “but I’ve sat on it.”

***

I caught my great-grandson chewing electrical cords, so I had to ground him.  He’s doing better currently though, and conducting himself better.

***

Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid, and make bad decisions.

***

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar.
Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in.
It’s currently half empty…

Old Bag Fibbing Friday

Pernsitivity101 gave us another mixed bag last week. Your suggestions for these please……………..

1.What is a juggernaut?

That’s a hillbilly who’s disappointed that he wasn’t accepted into a NASA program, however…. if the moonshine-powered engine in his General Lee repro lets go, he might achieve orbit.

2. What is an HGV?

It’s a new Snowflake disease, caused by too much Woke in their system.

3. What is an off roader?

In Canada’s winter/spring weather, it’s any idiot driver with too much lead-foot – macho – booze – drugs – stupid.

4. What is a 4 X 4?

It’s a pressure-treated,, waterproofed timber that you stick in the ground, to hold up your back deck – if you’re not playing with a full one.

5. What is a turbine?

That’s the headgear worn by some curry-eating selling, Asian immigrants.  The ones with forehead dots are push-starts, and the little sheet-head ones are pull-starts.

6. Where will you find an octave?

Wherever two string quartets are having a duelling cellos competition.

7. What is a dovetail joint?

That’s a Chi-Chi bar with bird-decoration motif.  You haven’t lived until you’ve had cockatoo-shit in your Old Fashioned!!?

8. What is a Messerschmitt?

That’s my brother, and a few similar cousins.  Their home décor theme seems to be “Didn’t expect the police raid.”

9. What is a tangerine?

It’s a lovely, old 1941 ballad from Jimmy Dorsey’s orchestra.

10. What is a mattock?

That was the silver-haired, geriatric, Grumpy-Old-Dude lawyer TV role that actor, Andy Griffith played, after he moved out of Mayberry, and stopped being Opie’s dad, Dopie.

Son Of: Humorous Answer To A Seriously Stupid Question

 

Ohh….  Did the big, bad firearm scareums??  Here’s a bit of facts and truth to calm you down.

WHY DO GUN NUTS INSIST THAT THE AR15 IS SEMI-AUTOMATIC, WHEN IT IS CLEARLY FULLY AUTOMATIC, WITH A HIGH CALIBER MAGAZINE?

It is clear that the Federal Government has passed legislation, banning the production, sale, and possession of fully automatic firearms, except for specially licensed groups, such as police or Armed Services.

It is clear on the manufacturer’s website where they state that, as a good, corporate citizen, not to mention avoiding being prosecuted for a Federal crime, the AR15 is available only as semi-automatic.

It is clear that the actuator switch on the side of the receiver does not have an indication for fully automatic firing, unlike its big brother, military model.

The “AR,” of AR15 does not stand for Assault Rifle!  The manufacturer is Armalite, and it is an Armalite Rifle.

It is clear, when you reached the point of over-emotionally ranting about the high caliber magazine, that you really don’t know what you’re talking about.  “CALIBER” refers to the diameter of the bullets fired, not the magazine.  The Army has changed from ammunition that kills the enemy, to stuff that just annoys them, and ties up four support staff, for every wounded soldier.  The 5.56 mm slugs that the AR15 fires equal .223 Caliber – barely barn-rat plinking size.

If you meant a HIGH CAPACITY magazine, I suppose that 20 rounds might seem like a lot to a rube whose chickens only lay a dozen eggs at a time, but the Army has 30, and 50-round banana-clips, and 100-round drum-mags.  Perhaps you could make it clear why, despite all of the above data, you insist on claiming that it is fully automatic.

It is clear that Chicken Little wants the rest of us to help him run around, shouting, “The sky is falling!  The sky is falling!” but the vast majority of us are too busy laughing at idiots like him and Flat Earthers, to be bothered.

***

Personally, I think that most AR15s are purchased as a penis-substitute, by insecure men, but if you’re going to campaign against them, the least you could do is some research, to get your arguments correct – or just be honest.  That would be novel.  🙄

’23 A To Z Challenge – Z

I don’t hate everybody….
I don’t know everybody!
People are perverts….all except me – and possibly you.

One day last year, Dictionary.com reported increases in the number of look-ups for several words.  Some were political, like MAGA, and Antifa.  The research on them was understandable.  The word

ZOOLAGNIA

Had had an 1800% increase in research.

First, I had to know WHAT.  The Psychological Dictionary describes it as carnal attraction to animals.  Then I wanted to know WHY.  Just what, and where, had something occurred, that spurred an 18-times increase in interest in that term. Perhaps it was only one guy last month, and 19 this month, but still….  When I went back to double-check the exact definition, Dictionary.com no longer admits that the word even exists.

I never found out, and it’s probably just as well.  The guy at my last job who brought in animal porn, was convicted of raping his teenage daughter.  He tried to race me on my motorcycle from a traffic light and cut me off, with his full-size van.  Several years later, apparently someone knocked on his door, and then shot him dead.  It seems that someone hated him even more than I did.  👿

Musical Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 was inviting us to enjoy a musical interlude, but what alternatives can you come up with for these?

1. What is a French horn?

It’s a warning device found on every automobile driven in Montréal.  The brakes dey don’t work, eh?  Fix de horn.  Four well-marked lanes for traffic on one-way streets, and the traffic is five cars wide, driving them.  😮

2. What is a cornet?

It’s the cone that the Frogs French-Canadian Montréal drivers put ice-dream in, after a hard day of Demolition Derby on the streets.

3. What is a clarinet?

It is a free hair-management device that is included with some bottles of a certain women’s shampoo.  The wife has 8 or 10 bottles of different products.  It’s almost difficult to get into the shower.  She has shampoo, pre-shampoo, stripper, conditioner, shampoo with conditioner, straightener…. Etc. etc. etc.!  I have one bottle, of shampoo…. Actually, the label just says, Hair Cleaner.

4. What is a snare drum?

I set a wire trap to catch the neighbour’s cat which shits in the flower garden, directly under my front window.  I added a little noise-maker to announce when it was successful.

5. What is a viola?

New ‘Plastic’ bill version

She was Viola Desmond, Canada’s “Rosa Parks,” who brought racial integration to a Nova Scotia movie theater in 1946.

6. What is a double bass?

That’s when you catch two large fish in the same afternoon.

7. What is the difference between a Concert, Upright or Grand?

These are the differences among the many husband-improvement lectures that the wife provides, and depend on the level of my perceived sin, and whether her arthritis is flaring.  Some are long and lyrical.  Some are firm and clear, and then there’s the occasional five-act opera that ain’t over till the fat lady sings – and sings – AND SINGS!

8. What is campanology?

It is the information contained in a how-to booklet, which tells you how to erect a tent, and get a fire started.

9. What is a trombone?

Is what a guy gets, if he takes two Viagra pills.

10. What is are timpani?

This is the medical term for eardrums.  I called the tinnitus hotline…. But it just kept ringing and ringing….

Smitty’s Loose Change #24

The Grandson got to the supermarket nearest to me before I did.  As a New Year’s present, he brought me from the chute of their coin-counter, a Canadian quarter and nickel, an American quarter, two nickels, two dimes – one a 1946, worn flat and almost illegible, and a bronze?/brass? – It ain’t copper – a One something coin from Serbia.  I need to research it, to find what it is, and made from.  This is my first Serbian coin.  I have several from Croatia, but none from Serbia.

***

I keep forgetting to work on my writing. I keep forgetting to write and submit my writing. Buy my books on Amazon.

I was going to, but I keep forgetting.  😮

***

If u cud recomend me a book. wot wud u recomend?

***

If you’re wearing a mask, why do you care if I’m not?  Yours works, doesn’t it?
If you’re sober, and I’m driving drunk, why do you care?  Your seatbelt and airbags work, don’t they?

***

What part of your morning routine takes the longest?
Me: Deciding to get up.

***

Other countries don’t think as we do, and their languages do not express themselves as we do.
The German surname Rosenthal is translated as Rose Valley.  English assumes that there is more than one rose in the valley.  German does not leave it to chance.  ‘Rosen” is plural.  The name more precisely/pedantically means “Valley of Roses.”

I recently opened a (Canadian) Chinese fortune cookie.  The English side said, “Your reputation is worth more than money.”  The French side said, “Your reputation is worth more than nice perfume.”

***

I was recently offered ‘Dark Roast’ peanut butter, and jumped at the chance.  I wondered if it would be like dark roast coffee – a brighter, fuller flavor.  It is one chain’s ‘No-Name’ brand.  Would it be from the overcooked nuts at the bottom?  Nah.  It’s just promotion,, more lying advertising,  decent, un-homogenized peanut butter that needs the oil stirred back in prior to every use.

***

I joined Linked-In because I thought that it was a social media thing, like WordPress, or Facebook.  I soon found that its main drive was an online networking group, helping people make connections, and find jobs.  Since I’m a dedicated, industrial-strength retiree who doesn’t want a job, nor can aid anyone else in getting one, I soon ignored it.

I recently received an invitation to add someone to my circle, Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada!  I didn’t do so, and a week later, I got another, identical request.  Is there an upcoming election that I haven’t heard about??!

Rather Pointed One-Liners

I’m not a cactus expert….
….but I know a prick when I see one.

I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes….
….I’m even thinking of making a few more.

I was grilling a chicken last night….
….For the last time, why did you cross the road?

How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 9
Step 12
Floor

When it comes to great sex….
….It’s not the meat.  It’s the tumidity.

A fool and his money….
….are never around when I need them.

I’m responsible for what I say….
….not what you understand.

I went to the paint store to get thinner….
….It didn’t work.

I knew the psychic was a phony….
….the moment she took my check.

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that…
….6 out of 10 people

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician….
….You’ll never hear the end of it.

I was sitting in traffic the other day….
….Probably why I got run over.

I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents….
….by discussing politics on social media.

Just got my doctor’s test back, and I’m quite disappointed….
….Turns out, I’ll never be a doctor.

I married my wife for her looks….
….but not the ones I’ve been getting recently.

I was going to do a post about anticlimaxes….
….but in the end, I didn’t.

Propaganda is when an Englishman….
….takes a good look at something.

I have a recurring dream….
….where I divide 10 by 3.

Knock, knock….
….Who’s there?….
….Granddad….
….QUICK!  STOP THE CREMATION!

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids clickbait….
….Her answer may shock you.

A man asks a librarian for a book about noise levels….
….She replies, “Sure, what volume would you like?”

I don’t believe in skeptics….

I wasn’t going to drink after my shift….
….then I worked my shift

Cycling Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 gave us more recycled questions from Teresa Grabs who was the Fibbing Friday originator:

1. What is the most intelligent life form on Earth?

Sasquatch, and their Asian cousins, Yeti, for staying so far away from humans that they are just rumors and myths.

2. Why did we really go to school?

So that Mum could congregate with the rest of the neighbourhood Wine For Lunch Bunch.  Sometimes mine would call Nan, and apologize.

3. What did teachers do during recess?

Lines!  Back in my day, it was Canadian Club.

4. How did you get to school?

With special dispensation from the local School Board, and only after Mom and Dad signed the Special Waiver, guaranteeing to hold them blameless.

5. What was life like before the Internet?

It was a lot like Real Life.  Since the advent of the Internet, it’s been a Cosmic Joke that no-one gets.

6. What is the best thing about social media?

Being able to opt out, and ignore its seductive siren call.  Using this life plan, I have personally rescued 47 IQ points from being destroyed.

7. What is your favorite thing to put chocolate sauce on?

That was a stripper Exotic Dancer, who called herself Cherry.  But that was long ago, and far away.  Now for an exciting evening, I put Ben-Gay on my right hip.

8. Doctors were all wrong…humans don’t need water. What do they need?

REVENGE!  👿  Tell the boss you don’t think that my work is up to company standard??  You’ll rue the day.

9. Dolphins are not mammals. What are they?

They are the Orca’s equivalent to the Internet.  If you are lucky enough to see one, it’s not just frolicking for humans.  It’s rushing an order to get Free Willy, tickets to the Taylor Shamu concert.

10. There is a Lost Dutchman’s Mine, but where is it?

The treasure-map said to go to the North Pole, turn west, and take 143 paces, but I think it’s up in Nelly’s room, behind the wallpaper.