Challenge: When Was The Last Time You Did Something New?

As I (slowly and painfully) approach 79, I thought that I was pretty much finished with “new things.”  Life had other ideas.

I recently tore a tendon in my left shoulder – probably shovelling snow.  I’ve never done that before.
I recently broke a rib – while sitting in my easy chair. I’ve never done that before.
I took the wife to the big, St. Mike’s, downtown hospital in Toronto, first for an endoscopic test, later for a pre-admission appointment, and finally for a difficult endoscopic surgery.  I’ve never done that before.

If I thought that traffic problems on the North-side bypass highway were bad, I ain’t seen nothin’ like the strangely-named, lake-hugging ‘Expressway’ I needed, to reach the hospital.  About the same volume of traffic, but with two or three fewer lanes to carry it in each direction.

It was a gigantic parking lot, sluggishly flowing along like a huge glacier, at barely better than a brisk walking pace – cars and trucks cutting others off, and drivers darting from lane to lane, frantically trying to gain a little space, and time.  I could see the hospital from the road, but the overhead electronic sign said that estimated arrival time at my exit was still 17 minutes.  I’m surprised that the reported rate of road rage and homicide isn’t higher.

That’s where the map program told me to drive six blocks north, and turn left onto Queen Street, where the hospital was located.  When I reached Queen, street signs said that left turns were prohibited.  Instantly, we were lost in a maze of narrow, crowded, one-way, no-turns-allowed, downtown streets, and were half an hour late eventually reaching the hospital.

This entire trip, especially the ‘Expressway’ portion, is not for the inexperienced or faint of heart, and not one that I cared to repeat.  The next “New” thing that the wife and I are going to do, is ride a train.  We have both ridden trains, but that was over half a century ago, shortly after steam engines gave way to diesels.

What will be “New” about it, will be the fact that it will be on a Commuter Train.  Every workday, tens – perhaps hundreds – of thousands of people commute hundreds of miles, from all over Southern Ontario, by means of 12 different rail-routes to go to work in the Big Smoke, using a system called GO-Trains.

The wife and I will use the Kitchener-to-Union Station, Toronto, portion of one of them.  Our Osteopath tried to convince us to use the regular Via Rail service.  ‘There’s more foot and leg room, and the seats are larger and more comfortable.’  And the difference in ticket costs for a one-way, one-passenger ride is, VIA – $89 vs. GO-Train Seniors’ price – $9.  Six trips, times $80/trip savings, totals $480!  For almost $500, I’d ride in a sardine can.  I was born at night – just not LAST night.  Take the GO train – cheap, simple and easy – no fuss, no muss, no expensive gas, no getting lost, no driving stress, no outrageous parking fees.

Assuming that all goes well – and since the best GI endo surgeon in the world, is performing the operation, in the best GI hospital suite in Canada, there’s no reason to assume otherwise – the next ‘New’ thing that the wife and I will try, as a celebration, is to drive to the more-easily and safely reached IKEA store on the near side of Toronto.

We’ll do the tourist thing and people-watch, and have the Swedish meatball lunch, perhaps with a Carlsberg Dark beer, and maybe some lingonberry jam.

’22 A To Z Challenge – Z

Our old mix-tapes had sides A and B.  It is only reasonable that their replacements should be CDs.

I used last year’s A To Z – Y post to babble about watching old black and white films on YouTube, an old and already, almost obsolete platform.  I thought I might close this year out by writing about an older system of watching even older moving pictures.  Ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Alva Edison Presents his fabulous

ZOETROPE

zoh-ee-trohp ]
a device for giving an illusion of motion, consisting of a slitted drum that, when whirled, shows a succession of images placed opposite the slits within the drum as one moving image.

ORIGIN OF ZOETROPE

1865–70; irregular <Greek zōḗ life + tropḗ turn

Western society has come so far, so fast, perhaps nowhere quite much as in Entertainment.  For centuries – millennia – a flickering candle was the zenith of amusement and attention-holding.  Technology has changed entertainment, particularly the visual arts – films, television, and videos.

A century ago, Lon Chaney – Senior – the great makeup genius and actor, played a Jekyll and Hyde type role in a film.  He walked around a ‘tree’ as Jekyll, altered nothing but the way he held his body and face, and came around the other side as the evil Hyde character.  Some women watching the movie actually fainted.  Play today’s Alien, or Predator, or even The Matrix, and we’d have the entire audience aswoon.

My attempts at entertainment are definitely spinning, and often best viewed through a narrow slit.  I’ve got to get out of this heavy white jacket.  I’ve got the month of April to put into motion.  😉

Fibbing Friday From The Vault

Last week, Pensitivity101 explored her archives and found some questions set by Teresa Grabs.  Here is a selection of some more of her questions.

  1. What was the first thing you saw when you looked out the window?

I was awakened by the screech of tires.  When I looked out the window, I saw a number of official-looking Cadillac Escalades delivering an alphabet to me.  On the sides were printed – FBI, CIA, NSA, TSA, EPA, CSI, KPD, FEMA, SPCA…. and I think there were a couple more, UPS, DHL, even a KFC.

2.  What is your favorite way to prepare hot dogs?

It’s a trick I learned, working with a friend one summer in a fast-food booth near the beach.  Customers who wanted a hot-dog, often also wanted French fries.  While I was crisping the fries, I would drop a wiener in the hot oil with them.  The wiener sinks to the bottom.  When it’s fully cooked, it rises to the surface.  It’s ready in under a minute.  Take it out.  Pop it in a bun.  It even has a nice, light, crispy skin.  Customers loved them.

3.  What is one thing you covet more than anything else?

Covet!!  It says Covet.  I thought it said cover.  I was going to tell you about the 1959 movie, Cast A Long Shadow.  It starred Audie Murphy, an actor who was so short that he cast a shadow about as long as a pencil stub.  I’m on a rotation diet.  Every time I turn around, I eat.  My shadow is not only long, it’s very W..I…D...E.  When I go out to pick up my mail, 5 or 6 neighbourhood kids can cool off in my shade.

4.  You see the wishing star…what is your wish?

I know that he’s wishing that all these crazy fellow-fans hadn’t recognized him at the airport but…. please, Keanu Reeves, could I have a selfie and an autograph??!

5.  You don’t want the leprechaun’s gold…what do you want?

I want that big cast-iron kettle/pot that he’s got it stored in.  (Has Marie Kondo not showed you how to save space and store it in dresser drawers?)  I could make a GIGANTIC batch of chili in it – maybe even enough to share with the rest of the family.  😉

6.  What is the first thing you order at a vegan diner?

A taxi to get me to some place that serves real food.  I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to eat salads.  I eat things that eat salads.  When I saw the name Greenleaf, I thought it might be a poetry bar tribute to John Greenleaf Whittier, full of hippie-types.  Maybe I could even score some weed…. You know, green leaf.  😎

  1. Where would you like to visit next?

I would like to re-visit a tiny little hamlet in East-Central Ohio, where an online friend and his wife live – no lie.  We managed to visit them for a few hours, ten years ago, and would gladly return for a day, a week, a month, but I’d soon need to return to civilization for the medical support.

It’s a (small) dot of nothing, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by Amish.  When I came to this city, almost 60 years ago, it advertised itself as The Biggest Small Town In Canada.  It was not unusual to hear German /Pennsylvania Dutch spoken on the streets and in the shops, and see Mennonites – Canadian Amish-lite – and horses and buggies/wagons.  Decades of hot air and job immigration infusion have ballooned it out for miles, driving many Mennonites away.  I miss the feel of the countryside.

Any such trip is going to have to wait until some amount of financial sanity is regained.  Available funds in retirement are thin enough.  Years ago, I went to Florida with my brother, when the Canadian dollar was worth 75 cents/US – four of mine, to spend three of theirs.  I thought that was about as bad as it could get.  Between Trump and Putin, the Canadian dollar is currently trading at $.7256/US.  👿

8.  What is actually in the Doomsday Seed Vault?

The seeds for the likes of kale, chard, watercress, radicchio, chia, and all the rest of the food plants that the Yuppity Vegans try to tell us are good for us, but are really out to kill us.

9.  Who killed J.R.?

The LGBTQ2+ cabal.  Either that, or the Alphabet Mafia who visited me this morning.  😳

10. What is yellow snow?

That’s an indication that I’ve got the cheapest, but most effective home security system.  If any potential burglar manages to break in, even if I’m not home, the neighbours will call the cops with a noise complaint, to stop all that damned barking.  I don’t know if my two Scottish Terriers are territorial enough to bite a stranger, but if you don’t know the steps of the dance they do, you could easily be tripped, and land on your klarn.  😳

What Does That Say About You?

The following people were arrested for assault on the English language, and possession of more than 2 grams of Redneck speech.

Pros

I could smell the odor of petroleum esthers – a Jewish queen tells me they’re esters.

Pretend to swipe and glide through the air – Pretend you read the script, and it’s swoop.

Leaving Christian tracks on the vending machines – lines of holy fingerprints, leading to printed tracts

Waited for the nurse to hove into view – Sorry, Mr. Pretentious, hove is the past tense of heave.

Japanese gun deaths at 0.001 percent per 100,000 population vs. American gun deaths at 13.7 percent per 100,000 population – just one superfluous word killed a lot of extra people.

GMO foods cause a sleuth of medical problems – Sherlock Holmes tracked down the word slew.

A lack of nurses has only exasperated the problem – I am exasperated that you don’t know exacerbated.

The searcher found a cash of coins – Coins are cash, but he found a cache.

If you have flu symptoms please corn teen yourself – with a dictionary.

Amateurs

I am a bonified, card-carrying lesbian – but not a bona fide dictionary-carrying linguist.  I didn’t think that lesbians got bonified.  😳

Fake meat, made in a peach tree dish – Julius Petri will have some of that meat in his dish.

My sir name is Hendrix – and my madam name is surname.

Who blead the weak into poverty – They’re probably weak because they bleed.

I marched all over the play to find the culprit – and found him with Shakespeare, in the place that had the English textbook.

My family should know that buy now – I don’t buy that spelling of by.

A blue band on the ship’s haulHaul out the dictionary, and look up ‘Hull.’

Synonym rolls, just like grammar used to make – I can’t swallow that phrase.

Someone stole my car’s catholic converter – Have the priest pray that you’re not fined.

He was under the rest for stealing – and for arrested English development.

The government is letting in Muslims and referees – Yeehaw!  Hockey Night in Canada!

1.5 Cu/ft. Michael Wave for sale – Hi, Mike.  Could you nuke my leftovers, please?

Flying saucers are just an optical conclusionDoctor, My Eyes Is that more wrong with one, or two?  One, or two?

Elon Musk berst in to (sic) the press conference – I’ve got nothing for that, but Musk is his own smart-ass comment.  Just ask his seventh son, X Æ a-Xii – (When he gets out of therapy)

This is a courtecy note – Scammers should have the courtesy to spell it correctly.

Why can’t I do it?  My best guest – has a guess that it’s just writers’ cramp.

It amounts to chop change – Don’t be a chump, get it right

Black people were bread to be laborers – I think they were more meat than bread.

Free woshing masheen – comes with Spellchecker

His redneck neighbor has a was Maxine – with no Spellchecker

Chair has scuff Mark’s on front – probably from that woshing masheen

Insider One-Liners

 

The fridge is a perfect example of….
….What’s on the inside counts.

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

The days of good grammar….
….has went.

Do more things that make you….
….forget to check your phone.

It’s a good thing farting isn’t….
….contagious, like yawning is.

I don’t have all my ducks in a row….
….I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.

I’m into CrossFit….
….I cross my fingers and hope my jeans still fit.

On the surface: Cool as a cucumber…
….Underneath: A squirrel in traffic.

Well! Well! Well!  If it isn’t….
….the consequences of my own actions.

My body has absorbed so much sanitizer….
….when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

The buttons on my jeans are taking….
….this social distancing thing too far.

Don’t blame others for the road you are on….
….That’s your own asphalt.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are….
….That’s your parents’ job.

Me; This show is boring….
….My boss; Again, this is a Zoom meeting.

I looked up my symptoms on Google….
….Turns out I just have kids.

Mental note….
….Real notes work much better.

Everybody’s been talking about….
….your paranoia.

Don’t worry, password….
….I’m insecure too.

My personal style is best described as….
….”Didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Never give your printer a hint that you’re in a rush….
….They can smell fear.

Pros and cons of making food….
….Pros – food
….Cons – making

My recliner and I….
….go way back.

Life is just a series of obstacles, preventing….
….me from taking a nap.

My Friday was going pretty well….
….until I realized it was Thursday.

Different Kind Of Fibbing Friday

Time for something a little different from word definitions.
Pensitivit101 explored her archives and found some questions set by Teresa Grabs who was the originator of Fibbing Friday.
There are some gems so if any questions for March seem familiar, you can understand why!

  1. What did you find in the unopened can of mixed nuts?

Schrodinger’s cat.

  1. They just cancelled your favorite TV show – what do you do?

Start to rebuild your IQ level.  If Facebook and Twitter had burned down, we’d have some decent politicians and we wouldn’t be in this Brexit mess.

3. What is the answer to 3 Down?

Prevarication.

4. What do Scots wear under their kilts?

I wear Argyle socks and my Sgian Dubh, ‘cause I’m a sharp dresser.

5. How did the platypus get its name?

My SoSo Great-Great-Grandfather bestowed that name on it.  At least witnesses at the time think that’s what he said.  Aside from being Scottish, his pronunciation was never the best because he was the official taste-tester at a whiskey distillery just outside Canberra.  Some folks said that he had a drinking problem, but his mates said he never had a problem drinking.  He died when he tripped, and drowned in a big vat of it.  When the foreman told his wife she said, “Ach, Robbie, ya ne’er stood a chance.”  The foreman replied, “Sure he did.  He got out three times to go to the loo.”

6. You find a treasure map – what is the treasure?

It’s peace and quiet on a small, independent, bucolic island in the Caribbean, named Tikoyya, where ‘Woke Society’ has been declared a terrorist organization, and local ordinances forbid the import or possession of any of those Snapgram/Instabook/Facechat thingies.

7. They are making a movie of your life – what is the biggest whopper they invent?

Wanting to make me appear rustic and pastoral, they claimed that I was born in a log cabin.  I was born in the woods, to an old Momma wildcat, and didn’t build that cabin until I was almost three.

8. Bollocks doesn’t mean what Americans think it does…what does it really mean?

The problem is not with the meaning of the word.  The problem is with the idea of Americans – THINKING!  😳

9. What did you give the last person who asked you for a tip?

I said, don’t bet on the Eagles in the Super Bowl, and don’t take any wooden nickels.  I will safely take them off your hands because I’m a numismatist, although I’ve never been charged or convicted.  It just means that I’m a coin collector.

10. What is over the next hill?

Sisyphus, pushing a huge rock.  His shift is over, and I’ve come to relieve him.

Smitty’s Loose Change #20

So there I was, minding my own business, living my best life when all of a sudden this old guy snuck up behind me and took over my body.

***

The wife recently told me that there could not be a city in Turkey, or Iran, or Spain, founded 2000 years ago, that the city of Vidalia, in Georgia, named itself after – because the people in Georgia had it trademarked.

***

We must share space on this planet.  We have no good reason to make any appeals to anything supernatural, or to God(s), so it is up to us to work together, co-operatively, to resolve our differences and make the world a better place.  If answers are going to come, then those answers will come from humans.

***

Dear Lord!  I just got a 7200+ word porno spam, with 57 segments, and links to a wide variety of kinky fetish sites.  It took me three days to read it all, coz I can’t last that long.   😉

***

This has to be one of the best grammar posts I’ve ever read. The way you artfully included each error in this post is almost like art—a true God given talent. I am quite obsessed with grammatical errors ever since my professor at one of my past colleges told us to look for a grammatical error in real life and send him a picture of it for extra credit. I am now inspired myself to make a post about grammar. You’re doing the lord’s work

Perhaps you’re right. Every time I boast to the wife that I’ve found another one, she does a facepalm, and mutters, “Dear Lord.”

She don’t know me very good, do she??!

***

Among other things, Guru Food Products manufactures Energy Bars.  They must be healthful, possibly organic, and good for you.  The advertising blurb on the side of the box, seen at a Wal-Mart checkout line, says that they are – Made In Plants.

***

A world without God or purpose may seem harsh and pointless, but that alone does not require God to actually exist.

***

Gently urged by legislation, local businesses are (finally) eliminating single-use plastic items.  Earlier, they charged 5¢ for plastic bags.  Many people began bringing their own cloth bags, but many more happily paid the price.  Now local stores only offer paper bags.  The discount store charges 10¢/ea and the big supermarket charges 15¢.

Plastic drinking straws have disappeared.  I’m glad I have a few heavy-duty ones in my glove compartment, which I bought at the Dollarama last year.  In my youth, we had wax-coated paper straws.  The new paper straws are not coated.  You’d better suck up your iced coffee quickly, or they disintegrate.

Closers on bags of bread and buns are now made of grey-board (multi-layer paper).  I eat very little bread.  A loaf might last me a month – if I freeze it, bringing out a couple of slices at a time.  Paper closers do not survive well in the freezer.  Again, I trade them out for plastic ones that I saved earlier.

’22 A To Z Challenge – Y

The Beatles sang Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

But The Rolling Stones sang

GET YOUR YA-YA’S OUT

Originally a Rolling Stones live album, (get yer ya ya’s out) the term usually means “to get your extra energy out” or “to blow off some steam“. One can do this many ways; it really depends on what type of person you are.

To indulge/vent an urge that society does not approve of — this can be fighting, partying, drinking, having sex, smoking pot… whatever. It implies that there are other times when you’re a “respectable citizen” and repress the urge — full-time party-animals are not getting their ya-ya’s out because they always act that way.

For the less adventurous of you, there’s always the 2002 movie, Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

I’m almost to the end of this alphabet challenge.  Do you think that I’m happy?
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

Do you think that I’m damn fool enough to start another cycle in a couple of weeks??
You bet your YA-YA’S!

Word Is It’s Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 has some more familiar words and wants to know if I can make up new definitions for them.  Step back!  You’re about to be impressed…. or it could just be gas.  🙄

1.   Silicone

It’s the name that the Kardashian Family LLC trades under, on the stock exchange.

2.   Fluff

It’s one of the kinder epithets used to describe many of my blogposts.  It’s why I am current President of The Fluffernutter Society.

3.   Loofah

That’s how I greet the arrival of my (much) larger cat, when he launches himself onto my abdomen while I’m taking a nap in my recliner chair.  His mother was a Bengal Cat, but I think his father was a concrete building-block.  😳

4.   Caddy

It’s the car that every MAGA motormouth, owns to Buy American.  It’ll pass anything but a petrol station.  Some of them have tried the new electric version, but can’t find a long-enough extension cord.

5.   Pedantic

It’s a mischievous trick or prank that your child plays on you.

6.   Tangent

He’s a bloke who’s returning from two weeks in the sun in Spain.  Is that Dick Brown?  It should be.  It’s been on the nude beach all week.

7.   Muffler
That’s the new euphemism that the Woke society is using these days.  It sounds so much better than Cancel Culture.  We’re just trying to prevent anyone having their feelings hurt.  They’re like lawnmower parents – mowing down every little obstacle, so that the young never learn how, or build the strength, to deal with adversity.  At least there’ll be lots more upcoming candidates for Fluffernutter President.

8.   Calamity

That was the supposedly haunted house that was in a book and a movie, some years ago – The Calamityville Horror.

9.   Archive

Archive was my Mother.  She named me after herself.  Archon is the male version of the name.

10. Fortify

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like an over-ripe banana!  It seems like only yesterday, but that’s how old I was 33years ago!

Tell Me If You’ve Heard This One – Ate

And the Word came to me from above – and from below, and from all sides – for the Word was ubiquitous.

Concoct – to prepare or make by combining ingredients, especially in cookery
to devise; make up; contrive; make up
The disturbance and interruption in the interrogation gave the suspect time to concoct an alibi.

Cruciverbalist – a designer, or aficionado of crossword puzzles
A word which describes me to a T, or a tee, or a tea
Even the most skilled cruciverbalist has trouble with the New York Times Sunday Crossword.

Ecocatastrophe – A disaster caused by changes in the environment
Polluting the water, and harming its wildlife, the Gulf oil spill was an ecocatastrophe.

Hippogriff – A fabulous creature resembling a griffin, but having the body and hind parts of a horse
A hippogriff named Bucklebeak features prominently in the Harry Potter series.

MishpochaYiddish; An entire family network comprising relatives by blood and by marriage, and sometimes including close friends; clan
She invited the whole mishpocha to the Seder.

Mukluks – Soft boots worn by the Inuit, often lined with fur and usually made of sealskin or reindeer skin.
Her furry mukluks kept her feet warm during the winter.

Odious – deserving or causing hatred; hateful; detestable.
highly offensive; repugnant; disgusting.
The captured prisoners were given a particularly odious task.

Primogenitor – A first parent or earliest ancestor
A forefather or ancestor
Typewriters are the primogenitors of today’s computers.

Pestiferous – Bringing or bearing disease – pestilential – pernicious; evil
Informal; Mischievous, troublesome or annoying
Carrying salmonella and other diseases, houseflies can be pestiferous guests in your home.

Propine(verb) To offer as a present
She was shopping for a housewarming gift; something perfect to propine to her new neighbors.

Pulchritudinous – Physically beautiful; comely
She looked pulchritudinous in her elegant ball gown.

Taradiddle – A small lie; a fib; pretentious nonsense
To avoid spoiling the birthday surprise, the mother told her young son a taradiddle.

Tiglon – The offspring of a male tiger and a female lion
Zoo staff were surprised and delighted when the mixed-race feline couple conceived a rare tiglon.
Personally, I’ve never encountered this word.  I’ve only heard of Liger, which, to me, seems to make more sense.

Watershed – An important point of division or transition between two phases, conditions, etc.
The Montgomery bus boycott was a watershed moment in the Civil Rights Movement.

Word is, it’s time for me to move on again.  Just follow the trail of bread cookie crumbs to my next post.