Fibbing Friday Babes

 

Last week Pensitivity101’s theme was Out of the Mouths of Babes.

You might be familiar with them, but if you didn’t know what they were, what are your thoughts?

1. What is a Moo Moo?

It is a billowing, figure-concealing, caftan-like dress worn by women who get married, and don’t want to attract the wrong kind of attention any more.

2. What is a Bow Wow?

That’s when an amply-endowed female performer with a low-cut top takes a curtain call.

3. What is a Gee Gee?

She’s the younger sister of the Bee Gees.

4. What is a Botty Cough?

The wife said that she’d been sitting, knitting, in her chair so long that her ass fell asleep.  I said, “I know.  I heard it snore three times.”

5. What is a Chookie Egg?

There are two kinds of people
1: Those who can extrapolate from insufficient data

This is an IKEA joke.  Some self-assembly is required, or it falls flat.

6. What is a Choo Choo?

Oh, that’s right!  You haven’t seen me at an all-you-can-eat buffet.  People who don’t watch closely think that I absorb the food through osmosis.

7. What is a Tick Tock?

Someone once said that rap music was so that Negroes with otherwise no talent, could make outrageous amounts of money.  Tick-Tock is its recent technological successor.  People with otherwise no intelligence – who make the Kardashians look smart and talented – post short videos of things that they do, on the internet.  They would give their soul – if they had one – for a handful of likes and follows.

8. What is a Paw Paw?

An adopted child – with two dads.  Don’t ask.  Don’t tell.

9. What is a Heffalump?

Dat vas me, ven ein told mein doktar, “I heffalump on mein arm, und it hurts to salute.”  She told me to stay oudt of those places….  No, vait – das vas eine different joken.”

10. What are Jammies?

They were the five friends I hung out with in high school, who decided to form a band, (Two of them had never touched an instrument.) because The Beatles did, and made a skillion dollars, and five guys from the next town did, and got a few gigs at a cheap dance hall.  Someone once asked me what I played, and I replied, “The radio.”

I (Heart) Modern Medicine

Congratulate me, everyone.  I am the proud papa of a bouncing baby angina.

Increasingly, over the past month, I have noticed that, following any small amount of vigorous exercise, I got a feeling of constriction in my chest, and a strong ache, right up into my throat, causing a gag reflex a couple of times.  My Osteopath felt it might be cramping muscles, or jammed ribs, from poor posture while I read in my easy chair, but she (strongly) suggested that I contact my doctor.

It was well that she did.  I went home and called late in the afternoon.  As soon as I spoke the two magic words – Chest Pains – Shit Happened!  I got an appointment at 11 AM the next morning.  When I described my symptoms, she told me that I have a case of Angina Pectoris.

Since angina is caused by a clogged artery, she immediately prescribed a cholesterol medication to be added to my list.  She wanted blood and urine tests.  I wanted to use a lab near my house, but she insisted on a branch in her medical building before I even left.  On my way out, her assistant told me that she’d booked me for a bone-density test at the hospital.  The doctor referred me to the Cardiology Associates there, also.

The next day, my Ophthalmologist called, and wanted me to come to her office to measure my eye for the new lens that she’s going to insert.  She knew this when I was there a month ago.  Why didn’t she do that then??!  It entailed a 20-minute drive across town, for a 5-minute procedure, and then a 20-minute drive home.  I’m scheduled for surgery at 7 AM, April 30^th, so wish me luck tomorrow.  To prepare, I received three different eye-drop medications – one to begin two days before the operation and the others to continue a week – and 4 weeks – after.

MD says that angina is medically considered “Normal, Acute, or Emergency.”  I’ve gone from normal, to acute.  She said that, as acute, even with her referral, it could take two – three – even four months to be seen.  She said that, if I have a bad attack, to immediately go to Emergency.  It’s caused by over-exertion.  I have found that sitting and taking deep breaths makes it disappear.  I don’t want to drive, even if the son didn’t have the car at work, and it would be gone by the time I arrived.

She told me, to shortcut the wait, to go to Emergency at 6:00/6:30 AM, tell the triage nurse that I’d had an attack, that my doctor wants me to be given a stress test and evaluated.  The new crew comes on-duty at 7.  Take a friend, a couple of books, and some food and drink.  The wait could be ten or twelve hours – but I’ll be seen and assessed that day.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular option.  Medically, I’ve become – and will remain – Busy, Busy, Busy!
Busy
Stayin’ Alive!
Stayin’ Alive!

***

Because of the surgery, this week’s Wednesday post may be on Thursday.  😀

Direct Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 was directed to a site recommended by fellow blogger Archons Den.
Who, Little Old Meeee??   😎
These are the first batch she selected for your definitions and thoughts please:

1. Groak

None of this, “Kiss me, and I’ll turn into a prince, rot!”  This is what frogs really say, often, just before they become lunch at a bistro.

2. Nefelibata

This was the female child of the Egyptian goddess, Nefertiti.  The Woke brigade are trying to amend all history books to give her name as Neferbosom.  😮

3. Paranymph

The wife of one of two physicians – Paradox – in a medical partnership.

4. Flummery

This is the expulsion of copious amounts of natural gas, after a good feed of baked beans.  If foods with Sulphur, like egg yolks, are also consumed, the RSPCA will show up to ensure that it doesn’t get blamed on the dog.

5. Sirenize

Hurrying down Interstate 75 a bit faster than all the other traffic??  The State Troopers will sonically let you know that it’s not a good idea, with a better noise than that British coppers’ Wee-Waw, Wee-Waw.  I say old chap, could you see your way clear to pull over?

6. Carker

He’s the parking valet at a low-rent hotel.  As their sign says, Please remember what your parking attendant looks like.  We don’t employ one!

7. Smatchet

Get arrogant, or just oblivious, and run a red light.  This is how your car, and probably several others, will end up.  Put the damned cell-phone down!

8. Shivviness

A noun to describe knife fights and inmate murders in prisons.

9.Sprauncy (Sproncy)

This is the word I use to describe my personal appearance/style – also called shabby chic.  The wife says I look like I combed my hair with a pillow.  ‘Pigpen’ from the Peanuts cartoon strip has blocked me on Facebook, and as I walked past a Salvation Army Thrift Store, a clerk came out and offered me a free makeover.

10. Druxy

This is how you feel when you pick up a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts for the family, on your way home, and then have to hide the empty box when you get there.

 

Keeping An Eye On You

Old age is upon me, and The Game is beginning to be played a bit differently.  I turn 80 in September.  The Province of Ontario, in an attempt to reduce the number of incompetent drivers, insists that I be retested soon, and every two years.

I still think that I am as good a driver as most, and better than far too many, if a little aggressive.  My only worry was about my eyesight.  It continues to decline.  Recently, I had my yearly checkup with my ophthalmologist.  The technician asked if I had noticed any deterioration.  I said NO.  She then ran some tests, and showed me what I had not noticed.

After retinal surgery several years ago, I received a new, plastic lens in my right eye.  The vision is clear, except for a small divot/dead zone in the center.  I rely on ‘averaging’ with my left eye.  The tests showed that cataracts were clouding the left lens, so that my vision was down to 20/50, the Province’s limit.  The eye doc told me that she will schedule me for day surgery, to insert a new, plastic lens in the left eye, some time in June or July, depending on the hospital’s schedule.  This will give me time to heal and adapt, by my birthday.

I recently spoke to a lady who had just turned 81, and went through this last year.  She said that all they had her do was draw an analog clock, showing 10:15….  W.T.F!?  My Osteopath told me that she went through this with her mother and her progressive dementia.  Often, they don’t even check vision.  They are more worried about loss of cognitive ability on the roads.  As the son says, if you can’t find your car keys, that’s just memory.  If you don’t know what car keys do, they want you off the roads.

I was willing to draw a digital clock, with two squares and some numbers, but they insist on a circle, a center dot, a big hand and a little hand.  Anyone our age should remember what they look like.  With the lens/vision situation taken care of, I feel fairly confident, even if the retesting is more complex.

I’ll keep you updated, to know whether I’m allowed to do more driving than just making other people crazy.  So, Here’s lookin’ at you, kid. Soon.

Alphabetic Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 said that it was time for an A B C.
Definitions for these words please (but your responses can start with any letter):

1. Abomasum

I just didn’t have the stomach to dream up a silly definition for this word.  It’s not like I’m some dumb cow, just delivering on demand.

2. Absquatulate

That’s the workout procedure that the wife is trying to get me to do.  My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  ”Overweight” is what hangs past my belt.

3. Amphisbaena

This is a child’s – and sometimes adults’ – unreasonable aversion to taking a bath.

4. Antimacassar

Composed mostly of wives who are not allowed to accompany their husbands to the pub, this is an action group which is trying to prevent Scottish men from making drunken fools of themselves.  😮  As if!  Might as well try to legislate that the sky is green.

5. Atingle

The wife claims that I’m not a very good DIY electrician.  Well, she’s in for a shock.

6. Bailiwick

Bailiwick is the brand name of the pail-sized citronella candles that Canadian campers use to ward of backwoods mosquitoes that are big enough to molest seagulls.

7. Bafflegab

Any of Donald Trump’s speeches or Tweets.  (Do we call them Xs now??)  Comprestand??!  Covfefe!  😮

8. Calliope

This is a stew from Kenya, which the wife discovered the recipe for. It’s delicious, but a little difficult to get the gnu meat for.

9. Cornucopia

That’s the college that the wife’s podiatrist went to.

10. Cryptozoology

This is the modern collection of the strange and weird, NFT, digital, online creatures.  You have to pay with Bitcoin, to be allowed to view them.

***

So, what are you doing for Easter??

Oh, just hangin’ around.

Boring Fibbing Friday

Bored with your job title? Here are some really creative ones Pensitivity101 thought she’d share.
What do you think these are?

1. BD Ninja – is Luthor Lothario in Accounts receivable. He’s got a wife and a mistress, but he’s also had sex with 12 other women in the last year.  There’s an office pool about when he’s going to die, and who, or what, is going to cause it.  Exhaustion is a strong candidate, right after ‘Angry Husband’
2. Head of Schmoozing – Was the Baptist preacher who was the biggest reason that I stopped going to church. After a 30-minute, hellfire and brimstone sermon, he would race to the front door to glad-hand every parishioner trying to exit.  People just wanted to go for lunch.  Hell, people just wanted to go to the loo, and he was stuck in the doorway like a corpulent cork.

3. Ambassador of Buzz – Would be Snoop Dog. A comedian talked about being on the same bill, and being invited into Snoop’s STAR dressing room after the show.  He said that there were six guys in the room, but seven blunts being passed around.
4. Colon Lover – My proctologist. It wasn’t the most fun I’ve ever had, but it was way up there.

5. Digital Dynamo – Is the rowdy road-warrior who races up the rapidly-reducing merge lane, cuts me off, honks his horn, and then gives me the middle finger. Were he British, I’d receive two.
6. Wizard of Light Bulb Moments – Is the male hillbilly neighbour. He saw Chevy Chase’s “Christmas Vacation” movie, and wants to be just like his character.  It’s a good thing we live near the Niagara Falls Power station.  You can see his house from orbit.

 

 

 

 

7. People Partner – Is the term that Melania Trump wants to be known as, after the inevitable attention-span divorce.  She’s sick and tired of her Secret Service FLOTUS codename being, Orangutang Wrangler.

8, Dr. Fix – Is my hillbilly neighbour’s veterinarian. He has a sign out front that reads, “Have your dog spayed.  It makes them less nuts.”  She took her pedigreed puppy in last year, when she first got him, but this year she’s screaming, “You didn’t tell me that I couldn’t breed him.”

9. Captain of Multitasking – That’s our Office Clown Manager, Jack. Jack of all trades – Master of none.  So many projects started – So few actually completed. 😮   We’re thinking of taping him to his office chair, and force-feeding him Ritalin from a Pez dispenser.

10. Money Maestro – Is my darling wife. I’m glad someone is taking care of the bills.  I have all the financial credentials of a drunken sailor on leave.  I think she picked up her skills from that five loaves and seven fishes Bible story.

 

29 Fibbing Fridays

Sleepy Time

Not content with merely having us talk in our sleep, Pensitivity101’s partner in crime, Melanie wanted us to lie in our sleep.  Okay, so, Now I Lie Me Down To Sleep.  Sleeping is so easy that I could do it with my eyes closed.  Lying though….??   No Comment.

To sleep like a __________guy who has committed no crimes or sins.  See!  I told you I could lie.

Sleep is the best ____________excuse not to get all the tasks on the Honeydew list completed.  But sweetie, the doctor said that a man my age needs an afternoon power-nap.

Let sleeping __________politicians lie.  Most of them lie, whether they’re awake, or asleep.

I’m going to ______________ sleep much better when I substitute this Memory-Foam mattress for the hay.

Sleep like the ____________guy in court on a paternity suit.  The judge asked him, “Did you ever sleep with this woman?”  He replied, “Not a wink, Your Honor!  Not a wink.”

Go to sleep with the __________case of cold beers, and a fishing rod, in your boat.  Just hope you don’t have a startling dream or nightmare, or you’ll have to enroll in Christ’s Walking On Water School.

Catch some ___________shoplifters, because that’s your job as a Loss Control Officer, not napping, back in the stockroom.

Wouldn’t lose a moment’s __________ enjoyment at the sleep apnea clinic over it.  The techs come into your little bedroom during the night, to ask if you’re asleep.  That’s not creepy at all.  Then I no longer snore.  The seal on the CPAP machine facemask breaks, and does it for me.

Burn the ____________nearby covered bridge at both ends.  It’s like painting yourself into a corner, only you can get to sing Buster Poindexter’s song Hot! Hot! Hot!

Sleep with one ___________ computer tab open.  It’s the only way I know what I was working on last night.  At my age, the only time I can remember something, is if it’s happening right now.

I’m gonna take a nap and get some rest, to be ready for Monday’s post.  All this thinkin’ exhausts me.  😉

 

Pisces, Libra, Virgo – But No Cancer

THE DEED IS DONE!
SHE MADE THE CUT!
(actually, someone else did)
THE WIFE IS HOME, SAFE AND SOUND, WITH ONLY FOUR NEW HOLES IN HER HIDE.

When last we left our comely heroine, she was waiting for a surgeon to schedule an operation to remove a possibly cancerous polyp from her duodenum.  A Japanese doc was to do it on March 29^th for a YouTube instruction video.  On the 27^th, the office said that he had declined.  The schedule reverted to April 16.  On the 12^th, the secretary of the Toronto endoscope surgeon reported that he felt he didn’t want to risk removing her Cancer and referred her to a thoracic surgeon at another Toronto hospital.

He needed a CAT-scan to know what he was getting into, and scheduled one at a local hospital.  When she got there, they told her that they would be using medical dyes for image contrast.  Previous such dyes have caused serious allergic reactions.  They gave her a prescription for 2 Prednisone, a steroid that reduces swelling, and 2 heavy-duty antihistamines.  When she obtained them, and tried to rebook the test, she found that only the doctor could do that.  April came and went.

She finally got the scan on May 5^th; he got the results and called on the 8^th.  His office would email some authorization forms, and schedule the operation – soon.  Then we were told that she had to have another CAT-scan of her lungs.

Finally, the operation was scheduled for June 15^th.  The doctor who we were dealing with was the head surgeon – the bureaucratic manager – of a three-doctor team.  He passed her off to yet another surgeon, a youngish female Chinese-Canadian with great hands, and good control.  In the end, the operation was not performed by a Ninja, but by a Kung Fu queen.

She told me that she would try to do it laproscopically, for minimal invasion – should take about three hours.  If there were problems, she’d have to incise, and open the abdomen – about eight hours.  At 3-1/2 hours, I began to worry.  At 4, and 4-1/2, I worried harder.  Finally, just at the five hour mark, I was told that it was over.

Kung Fu Katy told me that there had been some minor delays, but she’d been able to do it lapro.  Between the CAT-scan, and the poking around, she knew exactly where it was.  She cut a tiny circle and popped it right out.  Initial hospital test said that it was not cancerous, but it got sent to a lab for macro testing.

We hope that the growth shows no cancer, or that it is minor and contained.  Free, socialized medicine or not, a person could die of all this bureaucracy.

***

The wife’s four-week, post-op check-up has come and gone.  We thought that we might have to go to Toronto again, but the little surgeon was satisfied with a telephone interview.  Because of the stress of the surgery, and the anesthetic, she’s a little weaker and more disoriented than before, but the four little drill-holes all healed up nicely.

There had been enough time that the lab report was in.  While the growth was sprinkled with pre-cancerous cells, there was no indication that any of them had mutated.  She has been declared cancer-free.  We had hoped that the polyp was the cause of previous bouts of irritable bowel, causing extreme pain and diarrhea, but since she’s had one post-op bout, that hope has been dashed.

The surgeon mentioned that she might refer the wife back to the endoscope doc at the other hospital, just so that he could check from the inside that all was well.  The wife has experienced no problems, no pain, no noticeable internal bleeding.  We have not heard from the endo-doc.  If we ever do, it may necessitate another commuter-train adventure.

Thanx for your interest and concern.  😀

Challenge: How Do You Begin The Day?

How do I begin my day?  Grumpy, groggy, giddy, bleary, resentful – and two other sleepy dwarves.  I know it beats the alternative but, as W.C. Fields so wisely put it, “All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia bed.”

First of all, my morning usually starts about 1:00 P.M.  To mind the house, the wife, the pets, deliveries and phone calls, the son and I balance two odd shifts.  I stay up till 5 AM.  The son works a midnight shift, gets home at 8 AM, and, him going to bed at 1 PM usually wakes me up.

Occasionally, for things like doctors’ appointments, I might arise somewhat earlier.  One day, after making sure that both sets of plumbing still work, I came down when the son was still up.  He remarked that, for at least the first half-hour, I was like a whirling dervish, or my hero, Taz, the cartoon Tasmanian Devil, never still for a second.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the wife is not known for finishing tasks.  Doors and drawers gape partly open, waiting to be damaged, or to smash unwary knees, elbows or heads.  Dishes that could be in the dishwasher, or soaking in the sink, sit on the cupboard.  Food scraps sit beside – or occasionally on – the compost container.

The son often empties one of the two containers of iced tea in the fridge, so there is iced tea to be made.  Dogs want out….  Dogs want in.  Their kibble bowl needs to be topped up.  Their water bowl needs to be scoured and refilled.  Cat kibble dish needs to be filled.  Soft cat food needs to be put out, and yesterday’s dried-on dish needs to be soaked and washed.  Apparently I’m the only one who knows how to do these things.  And let’s not forget the kitty-litter tray in the basement.

I try to start my informal to-do list by taking a thyroid pill.  My metabolism runs a bit slow.  It’s one reason I gain weight.  I’m supposed to take it on an empty stomach, and wait a half-hour for absorption.  Finally, I can take seven more pills, of 6 different medications/supplements – a general anti-pain pill, an antihistamine because of dogs and cats, two Vitamin D pills, because of my vampire lifestyle, one Vitamin C for general health, a pill to stop further prostate enlargement, and a maintenance dose of Cialis to improve blood flow to help it work.

I don’t think it’s fair.  Like many older males, I got an enlarged prostate, which interferes with achieving an erection or orgasm.  So the doctor put me on a medication, the side effects of which are to impede the ability to achieve an erection or orgasm!  I asked my doctor to do something to lower my sex drive.  She says that, at my age, it’s all up in my head.  I told her, “That’s why I want you to lower my sex drive.”

At last, I can begin to think of making myself some lunch, but often the wife will request that I make her something first.  She’s only been downstairs three or four hours, but she’s been far too busy checking Facebook, or playing Words With Friends, to make something herself.  She once asked me to take her somewhere she’s never been…. So I showed her the kitchen!  😛  🙄

Finally, the sprint is run.  The race is won.   At last I have time to sit and relax, and perhaps read my newspaper and solve the word jumble, and do the crossword puzzle.  Let’s see, six down….  Constantly occupied – in 4…. = BUSY.  😉  😀

Elementary School Comedy

The children were lined up for lunch at the cafeteria of a Catholic Elementary school.  At the head of the line was a big pile of apples.  A nun wrote a note that said, “Take only one.  God is watching.”

At the end of the table was a tray of cookies.  A young student made a note that said, “Take all you want.  God is keeping an eye on the apples.”

***

Most people don’t know this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food, without telling everyone around you.

***

Police in Utah released video of an incident where a 4-year-old fired a single shot at them following an altercation involving the child’s father at a McDonald’s drive-thru. The restaurant manager said his Utah location had mistakenly received Happy Meal toys intended for Texas.

***

Three doctors were playing golf. The heartless cardiologist led the gutless gastroenterologist by 3 strokes. The dermatologist didn’t care because he had no skin in the game.

***

Funny, In Spite Of Everything
A farmer was standing by a fence along his property. Suddenly God appeared before him. God said “George, you have been a good man during your life. As a reward, I’m going to grant you one wish. But you must know that I will grant the same wish to your neighbor.” The farmer thought about it for a moment and said “kill my cow.”

***

A blonde complained to her friend, “It was terrible at the movies last night! I had to change seats five times.” “Why? Did some guy bother you?” “Yeah. Eventually.”

When my kids text me “plz” because it’s shorter than “please,” I text back “no” because it’s shorter than “yes!”

Joe answered the knock on the door. Some kids in costumes said, “Give us candy or we’ll bad mouth you on social media!” Joe was taken aback. “Huh?” he said. The kids concluded, “Sorry, man, it’s trick or tweet!”

My new blonde girlfriend got all angry on me last night when she saw my phone. “Who in the hell is this Amber Alert?!”

I purchased a Senior’s GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get there, but why I wanted to go there in the first place.

***